Dear Sars,

I have to respond to Too Young For Mid-Life Crisis’s letter to you — as a twentysomething woman who has major clinical depression and has had it treated successfully, I see the lead weights attached to TYFMLC’s feet.Like cigarette smoking, being depressed becomes a comfortable habit.You don’t have to worry about forming relationships because you “can’t,” and you accept being overweight because you don’t have energy, et cetera et cetera.But the truth is, it’s scary as fucking hell to overcome depression.It’s almost like releasing a lifelong inmate from a federal prison after thirty years…will that person even know how to behave outside of his/her comfortable, habitual context? People hide behind their own depression because it’s an excuse, and it’s easy.It’s not so easy to live a life connected to others, because often, it hurts.I think that this is the root of TYFMLC’s hesitation to work on treatment until it pays off.And I want to say to her, don’t let it scare you — if you dedicate yourself to becoming well, you will absolutely be successful.

And you’re right, Sars, it took me six different psychiatrists and seven or eight different medications to heal myself, but it worked and it is so worth it.I have felt more and done more in my two well years than I had in 23 sick years.I think TYFMLC will find the same if she dedicates herself to the work.

Thanks, by the way, for the excellent column.I visit your page every morning, heady with anticipation, to read the Vine.

Warm regards,
Girl on the roof

Dear Girl,

Thanks for your input (and for the kind words).

Depression prevents people from living their lives fully — and unfortunately, part of living life fully is feeling some pain now and then, but depression brings the pain and hassle into the foreground and makes it seem insurmountable and inevitable.And it is inevitable, but it’s also manageable.Some people need more help to manage it, that’s all.

I’d also like to mention that the stigma attached to this sort of illness shouldn’t stop anyone from getting help (especially since, as I understand it, depression tends to magnify those feelings of worthlessness and weakness).Our society isn’t terribly forgiving of depression or panic disorder or even garden-variety neurosis, and I didn’t admit to anyone for a long time that I’d had panic attacks, because I didn’t want to “come off crazy.”But millions of people suffer from these maladies, and it’s perfectly all right to ask for and get some help dealing with them if you need it.

Sarah,

The letter from Too Young For Mid-Life Crisis could very well have described me two and a half years ago, right down to the depressive bouts starting when I was twelve. It described me so well, in fact, that my boyfriend was skimming the letter over my shoulder and thought it was one of my old journal entries. I had been working tons of overtime for years, wasn’t feeling satisfied with my work, gained 30 pounds in 18 months, felt lethargic all the time, and generally wanted to jump off a high overpass and splatter myself onto a busy highway.

Your advice to get a handle on the depression first was a good one. It’s true — once you have that under control, the other things seem easier to tackle. Depression is strange, though; sometimes just taking pills and waiting for them to kick in isn’t enough. I don’t know her situation, but in some cases exercise has been shown to have as much effect as medication. For me, it gave the extra positive feeling of actually doing something on my own to help kick its ass. Exercise would help raise TYFMLC’s energy/motivation level, and may also help lessen any sleep-related side effects she developed from the meds. I’m not even talking frenetic sweaty exercise, either — just a half hour or so of walking, cycling, rollerblading, or something whenever she can. In my case, I ride my bike to work and walk to do nearby weekend errands. It makes all the difference in the world.

It’s true that it isn’t fair that some of us have to work harder just to feel “normal,” but like you said, that’s the way it is. I’m off meds now but will always need to stay more active than most, so that’s what I do. Yes, it cuts down on my free time, but I’ve lived the alternative and don’t want to go back.

Something about her weight gain really struck a chord with me as well. When I was on Zoloft, I ate every damn thing in sight and gained ten pounds. I don’t know if this is common but it may be something to consider. Weight gain and depression can feed off each other, and a moderate exercise regimen could help both.

I wish her all the best of luck. Once I got a hold of myself, I could see that my friends really DID value me, that I was actually a pretty cool person, and that my job and my weight aren’t everything. I started to have more fun and dwell a lot less on my own moods and reach out more. I hope this happens for her too.

J.S.

Dear J.S.,

Yes, exercise probably would help — it releases beneficial endorphins, it has tangible results, and it’s “you time,” which everyone needs.

(Just a quick side note on the weight gain, too.Most women in their twenties gain at least a bit of weight.We don’t have the same bodies and metabolisms we had in college; we sit at desks a lot more.It’s a normal part of our physical maturation, and it’s important to get right in your head with it and pay attention to staying healthy and in shape, not to having that whippet waist you had senior year of high school.)

You’re also right that she can’t just “take some pills and wait for them to kick in”; she also needs therapy in conjunction with any medication she’s on.That’s not true of everyone, but in this case I think counseling is warranted.

Sars,

Too Young sounds like me three years ago.I was depressed, on medication, in therapy, and not feeling any better.I hated my job, but felt tied to it because it was the major I picked when I was 18.I felt that none of my friends wanted to be around me.I felt too lazy to exercise.

Finally, I felt I had had enough.I fired my therapist, quit my meds, and sought out a different approach.Another therapist recommended the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.That was what did the trick.And it is basically your advice, Sars. “Don’t like your life? Do something about it!”Of course they tackle it in smaller, easy-to-do steps.

Don’t like your job?Change it.How many other decisions that you made at 18 do you still agree with?Is it reasonable to tie yourself to that one?

Think your friends don’t want to hear from you?Call them up!You’ll find out that you were wrong.Your friends want to see you happy as much as you do.And through them you’ll meet new friends.

I have a new profession now, and friends I can call and see any time.Tell Too Young that the only way to guarantee that things won’t change is to do nothing.(And taking a pill isn’t “doing something.”)

Been there, not doing that

Dear Not Doing That,

It’s great that that book helped you so much, but Too Young should try more traditional medical/psychotherapeutic approaches first.

You’re very dismissive of “taking a pill,” but taking a pill has helped many many people, not least by breaking the short-term chemical cycle that depression often locks in place.Sure, maybe she can graduate later to a more self-governed treatment, but I don’t think reading a book is going to do it here.

Not to contradict my own advice or anything — I do think Too Young needs to get active, physically and mentally.But the actions you list above pose big problems for a depressed person, who may lack the self-esteem and motivation to “just do” a lot of things; that’s the whole problem in the first place.”Just doing” sounds great on paper, but in practice, it’s not necessarily something she can manage right now without help, at least at first.

Sars, I have a manners question I need answered ASAP.

I have accepted another job, and earlier this week I turned in my two-week notice here. That’s all fine.

A month ago, however, all the employees here were invited to a special lunch for the company at a local festival. We had to request tickets, and I did — because I didn’t know yet if I’d be leaving. I have no idea how informal this will be, but I am positive it’s not very formal at all. My last day here is the 27th, the lunch is on the 29th. My question is simple: Should I go or not?

I have worked here for two years, and all my closest friends work here, too. Most will be there, including my on-and-off boyfriend, who is kind of a bigwig (and he’ll probably still be my boyfriend then…but that’s another issue).

I’m leaning toward going, but I’d hate to be talked about later as being rude — particularly if it IS rude. I’ll be working closely with a lot of people here in my new job, which is kind of public…

Thanks for you help,
Short-Timer

Dear Short-Timer,

You’ll only have been gone for two days — it’s not like you last worked there three years ago and just decided to crash the buffet.I don’t think I understand the problem.And which “people” will you “be working closely with” at your new job?The people from your old job?Because otherwise, who cares?I don’t get it.

I suppose you could ask one of your superiors what they think is appropriate, but if that’s not an option and it’s really presenting a dilemma for you, give or sell the tickets to a co-worker and don’t go.

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