Dear Sars,

I’m a long-time reader, but a first-time writer. Anyway, I’m
currently spending a year abroad, in a beautiful,
student-friendly, European city.And while I enjoy the accents, and
going out to pubs, and have met a lot of nice people, the fact is I’m
incredibly lonely here.I’ve meet a ton of people with whom I can
hang out, but I haven’t meet anyone a really clicked with or could
talk to.I’ve tried to keep busy, and I’m a member of several clubs,
but no matter what I do I miss my friends, and family in the States.
There are times when I really like living here, but overall it has been
stressful and lonely.

I’ve talked this over with my parents and my best
friend.My parents feel that I should stay as long as possible, and
come home if I really can’t take it anymore.My best friend feels I
should come home to tomorrow and go back to my school in the States.
They all mentioned I have a tendency to stick with things I don’t
particularly enjoy, simply because I started them, which is the truth.

There are several problems with me going back home.Firstly,
because of a housing crunch, it might not be possible for me to
back there, and since my parents already paid tuition, they would lose a
lot of money.Also since the grading system is so different here, it is
possible that I wouldn’t get any credit for the classes I took last
semester, putting me a year behind in school.Thirdly, while I miss my
parents, if I end up living at home for the next nine months they will
drive me insane.Finally, I will probably never get the chance to live
in Europe again, and I don’t know how I would feel about myself if I
quit.

At the same time I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.
Every person I’ve met who is studying abroad is having the time of
their life, and I feel like I’m the only one who isn’t.It’s not that I
hate it here; it’s just that I don’t know if I can spend the next six
months here.So I guess my question is, Sars, do you think I suck it up
and stay, or go back home?

Lonely in the UK

Dear Lonely,

Suck it up and stay — for all the reasons you listed in your “problems” paragraph, and also because it’s not necessarily supposed to be easy.The year abroad isn’t offered to enhance your studies; it’s designed to make you stretch socially and emotionally, deal with separation from what’s familiar, cope with a different culture and unfamiliar surroundings.Stretching is uncomfortable, and right now, you’re feeling it.

It takes time to adjust, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been there long — which leads me to believe that “every person you’ve met” is probably exaggerating how good a time they’re having juuuuust a little bit, the same way people do freshman year when nobody really knows anybody all that well but you have to put on a show so you don’t seem maladjusted.Don’t worry about what other people are doing; do your own thing.Get to know the city.Stake out a coffee shop or a bookstore and make it your regular spot.Give it some time.It took me a year to feel like New York was home, and I’d grown up within sight of the place.

Stay, and stop viewing it as a test.It’s an opportunity.Focus less on how alone you feel and more on the relative advantages of being a woman without a country for a while.

Dear Sars:

I have a sort of weird problem, and it’s driving me nuts.

About a month ago I began work on a novel. It’s just a bit of fluff
but I’d like to try and get it published. I mentioned it to some
friends over lunch one day, and described the plotline in detail,
hoping to get their input. One of my friends, “Katrina,” thought it
was such a good idea for a story that now she wants to write it WITH
me.

I don’t really work well with others, especially not Katrina, so I
tried to subtly discourage her, saying things like, “Oh, I really
work better on my own,” and then, more blatantly, “I think this is a
story for one person to write, but we can form a writer’s circle if
you want and trade tips.” I thought she got the hint, but last week,
over dinner, Katrina presented me with ten typed pages of the story
she thinks we are writing together.

I’ve kept working on the book by myself, and told Katrina that I’d
lost interest in it. It backfired. Her response: “No problem, I’ll
write it by myself!” Every time we meet now, she gives me more pages of
“her” story to read.

I’m pissed that she’s stealing my idea. Is there any way to tell her,
gently, that it’s my damn book so she should back off? Other than
this, she’s a good friend.

Maybe I should hook her up with Jayson Blair?

Dear Blair,

No, there isn’t — especially not since you should have told her exactly that from the get-go.It’s your idea; you have the right to remind her of that, and to tell her that you consider her working on it uncool.

But you didn’t do that.Why she would even want to work on an idea she didn’t come up with herself, I don’t know, but if you want to reclaim it, you will have to do it in so many words; you will have to tell her that it’s your idea, and that you don’t want her doing anything else with it.

The problem is that 1) you lied about having any interest in it before, and 2) unless you want to sue her for intellectual property theft (a case you probably won’t win), you can’t really stop her anyway.My advice?Let her have it; decline to give input on it; come up with another idea of your own, and keep your lip buttoned about it.

I am at something of a crossroads, and I hope you can help me.I am
married, and the primary breadwinner for my little family (one husband,
two cats).My husband is getting his PhD, and is expected to be done
with the program in three years.He makes a stipend, which is roughly
half of what I make, and I do not make much.But my paycheck primarily
funds our lifestyle.When he graduates, though, if he gets a job,
he’ll make twice what I do, at the very least.But once again, that’s
three years away.

I am in my fourth year (and third job) in a career I no longer have any
interest in.The job itself is fine, day to day, my boss is great,
the people are pretty good, but the context of the job, the meat of the
job, well, I used to aspire that I might come to understand, but now I
don’t care and spend the day wishing it was time that I might go home.

So, where is this leading?Well, I want desperately to be a novelist.
I have been working since January on a massive project (let’s call it:
Novel 1), which is eating up all my spare time.So, now, instead of
resenting my job on its own merits, I resent it because I no longer
have the time to do anything much more than the most necessary tasks of
housework.And as might be expected, I am sleeping less to carve out
more time for Novel 1, and I am increasingly cavalier about getting my
work done.Therefore complicating my resentment with guilt.

I don’t want to return to a life spent watching TV to pass the time,
but this is getting ridiculous.I feel like I am doing both with less
attention than either requires, so that I can’t do either well, caught
between doing what I want and what I’m paid to do.

What should I do?I know that as little money as I make now, I would
stand to make less as a writer unless I am a genius or extremely lucky.
Should I shove my novelist fantasies off into the future, when my
husband may be able to support me and I can quit my job and not look
back?Should I damn the torpedoes, try to be less distracted and more
conscientious at work (probably a good idea anyway), while continuing
with Novel 1 (which at the midpoint is probably unsalvageable from a
commercial standpoint) and on to Novel 2 (already working on the plot
to this one), and hope I can sell something and if so, then quit my
job?Should I risk losing benefits and money and ask my boss if I
could go to part-time status?It is unlikely that I could find a
different job, or one more suited to a scientist who would rather be a
writer; we live in a small town and jobs are still scarce.

My Career Goes Bung

Dear Bung,

I think you just have to keep doing what you’re doing.Yes, try to focus better at your day job, so you don’t lose it and so you don’t feel guilty; yes, pitch Novel 1 overboard and devote your attention to Novel 2, because spending time that you strictly speaking don’t have on a project you aren’t really committed to anymore is wasting that time.

But you can do both.It might help to schedule yourself more rigorously, and I don’t mean add more time commitments, but rather write out a to-do list, rank things in order of priority, and start blocking off time that’s only spent on one thing, whether it’s chores or writing.One of the most useful skills you can have as a writer is the ability to turn it on and off when you have to, and if you have a dedicated time each day or each weekend when you write, it helps you to develop that skill and to make better use of the time you do spend on it.

But people do both all the time, because they have to, and…novelists have to, even after they sell a manuscript, because chances are you won’t be getting a Stephen-King-sized advance, but just do the best you can.Life will get in the way sometimes; wait for it to clear the lane and get back to work.It took me over a year to polish off 24 monologues, which in terms of time is a pathetic output, but…I had other shit going on, as we all do.Just keep plugging away.

Dear Sars,

Short version of background:After a disfiguring car accident, I took A LOT of medical leave.Unfortunately, it obviously affected my appearance.The question is not, however, about my self-esteem.

Here’s the long part: the results put me into a deep depression.I can’t explain briefly what it was like, except the word “crippling.”But the fact is that I lost track of everything important, (personal hygiene, cleaning the house, making appointment times with doctors and friends, walking the dog), the worst of which was not going to work.The TV and sites like yours were my only friends.I stayed up for hours feeling guilty, but not feeling like going to work.

My department suffered.According to my job “rules,” if I have a sign-off from my psychiatrist, it’s legal.But guilt made everything worse.I was spending my time watching TV, while everyone else was going to work.I keep thinking how many people are slaving at difficult or low-paying jobs without the health benefits I have.Your sites, articles, and writing would really suffer if you quit working for months, for instance.And someone cleaning tables has a more difficult job than I and would go into debt without benefits or paid time off.

Finally I got better.I came into work, and they had hired someone else for my job.Okay, since they decided we are partners.But she is nasty to everyone who corrects her, including me.And she harassed me incessantly.At first it was just dumb comments, such as “I saw a picture of you before the accident, and you were really pretty!” or “Have you considered going to a gym to get that accident weight off?”, et cetera.

I said nothing for a year, literally just stared, blushed, and turned around, until I found out that she was complaining about taking up work when I’m at doctor appointments for check-ups or therapy, though she hardly works.I still didn’t do anything.She started saying things that would offend Muslim people at work, which is more serious than being rude to other people, and she doesn’t know my religion — why would she assume?Then one day after a difficult, painful appointment she sarcastically said, “Oh, so you decided to come in today, after all.”

This time, I went to HR.They did nothing but talk to her, stressing the religion issue, and I told them that she’d take it out on me.She did.She told my boss to force me to take a medical leave since I’m unreliable.This is not true, since obviously people prefer to work with me.She sensed (correctly) that her days were numbered.And accused me of (practically) a crime to get rid of me.

HR did nothing, again, but when I mentioned the word “lawyer,” they got moving and transferred her to a department which I work with, anyway.I know part of this non-action was due to the fact that my depression, in their eyes, made my words unreliable, though I can’t prove it.

I’ve been told by many to take legal action.The problem is that I feel bad about bringing a suit against a place that was patient with me.I know the company would suffer.But I have to get out.I feel the need for revenge, almost, and I have to work with her, anyway.And I have no job prospects that would let me take the time off I need in the first few days of a job.I need a few more months of minor surgery.Ironically, I’m back into depression, almost.

Sars, from an outsider’s view, am I being a whiny baby?Everyone has work problems.Few people have a job that would support them as I do.But coworkers are even asking me why I don’t take action, and I’m desperate to leave, but still make house payments.

Thank you for reading this long question, which I tried to edit,
Depressed and Conflicted Again

Dear Again,

Don’t sue.It’s going to bog you down further in this situation, and I don’t think that’s what’s best for you.

You’ve got a lot of health issues, which aren’t your fault, but the fact is that your workplace has made every effort to accommodate you; you just straight-up failed to show, and when you finally did show, you still had a job and enough clout to get an unpleasant coworker transferred.You kept your benefits, which you need.You still get a paycheck.I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic here, but your issues aren’t the company’s fault either, and I think they’ve done plenty to help you deal with them.

I know you’d rather not deal with the situation as it is, but if it’s that or get another job, which you’ve said you really can’t do…just stay put.Keep your head down, do your best work when you can come in, and when you can’t, don’t complain, or apologize, or pay any attention to what other people say or might think.Minimize your contact with the bitchy coworker, and if she’s bitchy, ignore it; you’ve got bigger things to worry about.

Worry about those things.Don’t add a lawsuit to the other crap you have to deal with.Lawsuits do not get settled in a matter of days; they drag on for years, and lawyers cost money, and frankly, I don’t see anything clearly actionable here.Concentrate on your health and don’t get distracted by other crap.

I’ve got a totally disgusting sexual question.I’ve
asked my friends, and they don’t know the answer, and
they have also had the same problem.Here it goes.
Every so often, after sex, my boyfriend’s penis
smells.Now I understand that immediately after sex,
and before showering, this can happen.Hey, it’s sex.
But I mean the next day.After showering.And
sometimes it lasts a few days.And still more
showering.It doesn’t happen all the time, but it
does happen.

So do you have any idea why?My
girlfriends have noticed the same thing with their
guys occasionally, but were too embarrassed to bring it
up, thinking it was them just rubbing off on the guy.
Is that it?I know I don’t smell like roses or
anything, but this is nasty.So is this a common
occurrence?Or is my boyfriend just a dirty fucker?

Something smells fishy

Dear Fishy,

Lord, where to begin.Okay…first, you have to take into account where the average penis spends most of its time, to wit: in close quarters.So if your boyfriend’s penis smells a little ripe in, say, the afternoon, it’s probably for the same reason that his (or your) armpits don’t smell all that awesome at the same time of day.

But if it’s funky immediately after he’s showered, or it really does smell like he’s had a flounder down his pants, well, maybe he’s not using enough soap…or maybe he has something wrong down there.If he’s observing proper lathering protocols and wearing undies that breathe, it’s time for him to go to a urologist and get it checked out.

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