The Vine: June 18, 2008
Hi Sars,
I have a friend, who I’ll call R., and R. has a friend who I’ll call Fuckface. R. is a pretty good guy, but Fuckface is quite racist.
I’ve often told R. that I can’t understand why he’s friends with Fuckface, and R always says something like “Well, he’s always been nice to me” or “Other than the racism, he’s a good bloke.”
As a racial minority myself, I’m rather uncomfortable with Fuckface, and I’m uncomfortable with R’s friendship with Fuckface. I can’t stand the idea of R. hanging around someone who would automatically dislike me on principle.(I can’t say that Fuckface has ever been rude to me personally, but I suspect that’s largely because R. has done a good job of making sure we don’t run into each other.)
So, a few weeks ago, I said to R. something like “I’m not hanging around you as long as you hang around with him.” R. thought I was being ridiculous. The result is that now R. and I never hang out. I guess he chose Fuckface over me.
So here’s my question: Was I out of line? What would you have done if you were R.? On the one hand, I realise I shouldn’t be delivering ultimatums. But on the other hand, I’m not the one saying racist things, so why am I considered the trouble-maker?
Since when is it “just racism”
Dear Just,
Wow, tough one.I don’t think you were out of line, but as I’ve said in the past, when you give an ultimatum, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that it’s going to go the way you don’t want, as it did here.In other words, it didn’t get the desired result, but if you really felt strongly that R. needed to choose — that you couldn’t tolerate a friend of yours also being friends with a known racist — well, that’s how you felt, and R. chose the racist, so what does that say.You know?
I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I were R., because that situation isn’t really one that would come up in my life.Not that I’ve never met or associated with any racists, alas, but it’s always been a different set-up — a not-very-close work friend of my own, for example, or an older relative who uses terminology that’s outmoded but who doesn’t appear to have any genuine animus towards other races (and was a relative, also, and old, so you make some allowances).I mean, I guess I wouldn’t have loved the ultimatum either, but I also wouldn’t be spending a ton of social time with a “quite racist” guy.
You’re “considered the trouble-maker” because you asked R. to make a decision that isn’t easy or comfortable for him; you confronted him with a difficult choice.And because Fuckface is probably perfectly pleasant and generous to him, R. may feel like he’s been asked to make too large a sacrifice.Sometimes people feel that it’s enough not to be racist themselves, and to put the boundaries any further out than that, like on other people, is a hassle.I don’t endorse that viewpoint or anything; I’m just saying that I think it exists, and it’s most likely what happened here.
It sucks, but…you know.Now you have to wonder what R.’s attitude towards you was when it was just him and Fuckface.You’re better off in some ways, I think.
Finally, at long last, I have finished the children’s book I’ve been working on for what seems to be an embarrassingly long time, considering it’s only six pages long.It’s an adaption of a French fairy tale, but really, onto my problem.
I cannot find a reputable publisher. Most publishers I’ve found do not accept manuscripts from anyone other than an agent, and the ones that don’t seem to mind are the ones that end up wanting me to pay them to publish it!
I can’t really see myself getting an agent, because I don’t write for a career, but short of that, do you have any advice for me?Or perhaps suggestions of where to look?And PLEASE, any suggestions other than Writer’s Market — my library doesn’t have it, I wouldn’t use it regularly enough to justify buying it, and I teach pre-K for eight dollars an hour.
So yeah.Sorry for being a putsmacker and setting limitations.
Sincerely,
Can’t A Girl Just Sell A Story Anymore?
Dear It Ain’t The Forties No More,
You need to get an agent.If you’re not willing to do that, you need to get a copy of Children’s Writer’s and Illustrator’s Market; last year’s is three bucks on Half.com.I understand that you don’t do this for a living, but you can’t wait around to get discovered.A lot of people write books; very few of them get published.If you’re not serious enough about the project to buy a book that will help you, I don’t know what to tell you.Nobody enjoys the hustle, really, but it’s part of it and you have to do it.
Either get a rep, who is familiar with the children’s-publishing market and can navigate it, or buy CW&IM and learn to navigate it yourself.I’d also suggest reading this entry and noting the advice you find in the comments (in fact, browse the whole site).You’ve written the book, and that’s great, but it’s not going to sell itself.
Hi Sars!
I need a little help which is sort of grammar-related.I am cross-stitching a wall hanging for some family friends as a gift.On the bottom, you are supposed to stitch the family name, like “The Smiths.”My problem is their last name ends with an “s.”There is not enough room to put “The Sanders Family,” but “The Sanderses” seems weird, as does “The Sanders.”I am leaning toward just stitching “Sanders,” but somehow that seems kind of cold.
Are people whose last names end in “s” used to the “-es” ending?What would you do?
I changed the name to protect the gift recipients!
Dear Gift,
“The Sanderses” is correct, and they are no doubt used to it.”The Sanders” is wrong.I wouldn’t have a problem with “Sanders,” myself, but if you don’t want to go that route, use “The Sanderses.”
Tags: friendships grammar workplace
all problems of the varied evils of differing degrees of racism aside, I’d defend R’s friendship with Fuckface on the basis that, in life, for many of us, friends that we really love and enjoy hanging out with and who understand us on a level where we often feel misunderstood are hard to come by. so while these friends may have aspects of their character that aren’t great, on balance we choose their friendship because in our world bubble having that friend means more to us than making a stand on an issue. I mean, don’t we all have friends that are kind of assholes? the idea that we’ll all draw solid lines in the sand around ourselves and our friendships and anything outside that box means the end of the friendship is a nice one, in some ways, and maybe true for some but I think unrealistic and personally exhausting for most. it doesn’t mean the behaviour is okay. I just understand the instinct to be self interested in a world where it’s easy to get lonely.
“I think it’s very important to keep sending the That Sort Of Nonsense Will Not Be Tolerated message, but that doesn’t get at the root of it. People will slap some more tolerable terminology on the problem to shut you up, but it doesn’t change their beliefs.”
Well, if you get them to shut up and stop acting racist, I think that’s the best victory you can hope for. I don’t think we can reasonably require of people that they not have odious beliefs; in a free society they’re more or less guaranteed. I think we can insist that people conform their outward behavior to certain social standards, or face some social consequences, and that’s about it.
And said consequences should vary with the particulars of the situation — sometimes shunning may be appropriate, but sometimes it’s really not, and the person actually in the situation is going to be a better judge than someone outside it. That’s why I’m not so keen on the zero-tolerance attitude I’m seeing here toward not only racism, but also people who associate with racists. Not that racism is ever a good thing, but zero-tolerance policies are basically always broken.
Just, it’s definitely a tough situation and I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer. You did what you had to in order to feel comfortable and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. R also had to struggle with what I’m sure was a tough decision for him to make. Hey, maybe one day bigotry will disappear altogether and we won’t have to make such awful decisions, right? :) Wishful thinking, I know. It’s hard to sustain relationships with people whose values differ from our own so much…and I don’t mean likes/dislikes- it’s more than a personal opinion being stated, and bigotry feeds on itself. I know I would struggle if I were in your situation and probably would come to the same conclusion. It just sucks you had to go through it at all.
“Can’t”–
To find a library near you with the Children’s Writer’s Market, try searching worldcat.org, with the title and your ZIP. It’ll show you all the libraries that carry the book you’re looking for, sorted by geographical distance from you.
Why, yes. Yes, I *am* a librarian.
As someone who married two summers ago into a last name similar in structure and origin to Sanders (we’ll pretend it’s “Flanders”), I was thrilled to see Gift’s letter. My own in-laws have an outgoing message that says, “You’ve reached the Flanders.”
I’ve maintained (with all due respect) that it should be “Flanderses,” just like “keeping up with the Joneses,” and the validation today was sweet indeed.
To Can’t: some other good resources are Harold Underdown’s site
http://www.underdown.org/
and the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators
http://www.scbwi.org/
Remember, at this point you’re essentially looking for a business to invest in your venture, and they’re not likely to do that if you haven’t done your homework properly. For instance, you say your story is six pages long–have you dummied it out to see how the text breaks up over 32 pages for a picture book? “French fairy tale” suggests Perrault (or maybe d’Aulnoy) to me, and there’s a lot of Perrault on the market–do you know which publishers have published a version of the same tale recently, which publishers might find this a nice fit because they’ve done other tales, and what your adaptation brings that others haven’t?
It’s hard to switch from creative genius to businessperson, but as Sars says, it’s what you have to do. Might as well do it well.
Racists–don’t like ’em. Agents–don’t have one, would get one if I wrote a book.
My last name ends in s, and I will tell you that the equivalent of “the Sanders” used as a plural drives me up the wall. Please do use “the Sanderses” whenever you run into that situation. I think attempted workarounds on that make people sound illiterate.
I feel that is a person chooses to remain friends with racists, especially over one’s non-racist or racialized friends, then one is a racist by association.
I’m sorry, but that’s condoning a damnable behavior right there… regardless of any attempt at putting a less-racial face on it.
People are racists, or they are not; their friends are allies, or they are not. If you choose the racist over the ally, then you’ve essentially branded yourself, I think.