Dear Sars,

Generally, I really dig your advice and think that it’s spot-on.I read Little Miss Purity’s letter waiting for the sort of verbal smacks you usually hand out to people who don’t understand where their rights end and others’ rights begin (say, for example, your response to Sight For Eyes).Alas, we all have our inconsistencies, and this seems to be one of yours.

Purity’s dad likes porn.That’s his right.She may believe that pornography degrades women — that’s another debate entirely — but it’s definitely not her right to emotionally blackmail him into stopping looking at it himself.If, say, her father thought feminism was a crock and didn’t want her mother looking at feminist websites, wouldn’t we all agree that it’s far outside his rights to harass her about it?The fact that Purity thought her father would hit on her attractive friend simply because he likes porn just demonstrates how unreasonable she’s being — many men and women look at online porn every day.Some of it is degrading to women, which sucks, and some of it isn’t.

As for the fact the he feels the need to hide it, that probably has more to do with the fact that he’s being harangued by both his wife and daughter, and treated like a pervert.What’s hidden festers.

Purity needs to realise that her father’s sexual proclivities are (a) totally normal and (b) not really her business.He’s not forcing her or her mother to look at it, but as an adult, he has every right to look at it himself.

M

Dear M,

Reread the original letter, and my response.

As far as rights go, you’re correct — one person’s end where another’s begin, and from where I sit, Purity’s father’s right to consume and enjoy porn ends where Purity and her mother’s extreme discomfort with it begins.And if you look at the original letter, you’ll see that he’s not using it discreetly; Purity has walked in on him watching it and has found evidence of his using it when he said he wouldn’t.

Ah, “what’s hidden festers.”It’s an educated way of calling other people prudes, isn’t it?But this isn’t about prudery.The use of porn is not in and of itself a bad thing, or indicative of a pathology, but this isn’t about the porn, either.Purity Dad doesn’t understand why his wife and daughter find it off-putting, and he doesn’t respect their feelings about it.Let’s substitute another behavior and see how that works in the same context.What if he liked to smoke pot in the house, or walk around naked?What if he refused to bathe, or work, or pick up after himself?Yes, he’s an adult, and it’s his “right” to do those things or not — but in the context of a family, a shared living environment, his rights have a narrower field.Like, there’s nothing “wrong with” not liking to pick up your socks, but if the other people you live with would prefer that you put them in the hamper because they smell and make a mess, well, you do it.

The use of porn is not a deal-breaker for me personally, and in Purity Mom’s situation, I’d try to find a compromise — do what you like, but keep it out of our daughter’s face.That’s the primary issue I have with Purity Dad’s porn comsumption.Call me a Puritan, but not all “open” and “free” behavior is good, and I don’t know that letting your daughter find your porn is particularly healthy.Lying to her about it when you know it upsets her certainly isn’t.

Hey, Sars…

As a guy, I had a pretty good chuckle at this chick’s letter.She really assumes the high moral ground, there, doesn’t she?BAD old Dad, FORCING her and her mother to shriek, wail, weep, write to strangers about his intimate behavior, and generally cause chaos.

Guys like porn.Almost all guys will enjoy porn at some point in their lives.Yes, it’s less-than-wholesome, yes, it can be degrading, yes, it’s kinda sleazy.But there it is, we like it anyway.As vices go, it’s hardly up there with smoking or drinking, but it’s not volunteering for the church bake sale, either, no.

That said, I would like very much to invite LMP and her mom to take a look at their own behavior.Is her opinion automatically more valid than his on the subject?Does Mom’s feminism automatically give her the clearer moral vantage on every subject?Does it not strike either of them that it’s not the porn causing the uproar, it’s their hysterical reaction to it?

Somehow, when I read about how she is blithely assuming her own father is a twisted psycho who shouldn’t be allowed to meet her friends or spend quality time with his wife, and then telling the whole world about it, based on his SHOCKING DECISION to look at internet boobies despite her CLEARLY STATED
dislike of them, I come to a slightly different conclusion about which one should be visiting the disciples of Dr. Freud.

Call me crazy.

Michael

Dear Michael,

Ohhhhh, that’s right — I forgot!If a woman disagrees with you or wants you to stop doing a thing you enjoy, and has the nerve not to back down from it, she’s hysterical!And crazy!Because we live in a Tim Allen stand-up routine where every woman is a squawky, nagging, irrational harpy riddled with logic-destroying estrogen, all specifically aimed at harshing the buzzes of straight men across the land!

Okay, I know that’s not what you said, but don’t dismiss women’s opinions as “hysterical” — it’s an annoying, insidious stereotype, and we nutty feminazis really, really hate that shit.We don’t love it when you assume that we all “shriek, wail, weep,” or otherwise act like Victorian poets in the face of a conflict, either.Because we don’t.Okay?Okay.Thank you.

Now, sing along if you know the words — this isn’t about the porn.I couldn’t give less of a shit whether guys look at porn, because 1) almost all of them do it, 2) ninety-nine percent of the time it’s just not a big deal, and 3) I used to proofread for Penthouse.It’s not the porn itself.It’s that the rest of his family finds the habit distasteful for whatever reason.It’s a courtesy issue.He’s lying about it, and he’s using it in a way that’s evident to his daughter, which, if she’s a minor child, is inappropriate.

If he wants to use porn, that in and of itself is fine.But he says he’ll stop, and then he keeps doing it anyway, and both the use and the dishonesty upset Purity and her mother, and he doesn’t seem to care enough to stop, and I don’t really think Purity should have to deal with that.I think it crosses a line.If Purity Mom had written to me, I’d have had a different answer, namely that maybe they should try some counseling but that, unless it had started to affect their sex life negatively, maybe it’s not a battle that’s worth fighting.

I agree that the leap from “my dad watches porn” to “my dad will hit on my friends” is a pretty big one, but if the man can’t even shift himself to hide the X-rated downloads from his daughter…I don’t know.

When you have a family, you give up a few individual freedoms.That’s how it goes.Purity Dad needs to rein it in big-time.If he won’t, and she can, Purity needs to move out so that it’s no longer an issue.

Sars:

For the past few months, one of my closest friends, a junior in high school, has been dating one of our teachers.He is 29 and she is 17.She thinks that he is her intellectual equal, and I don’t know what the hell he is thinking.I know both of them well enough to be sure that he isn’t taking advantage of her in any way.Still, I have an overwhelming “icky” feeling about the whole situation.

Now as if this wasn’t bad enough, a lot of her friends, and some people who aren’t her friends, have found out about the relationship.She has told one person herself. The others, including me, came to the conclusion ourselves.While she tried at first to keep it a secret, she would talk about him more than she should, she mentioned going to his appartment, she called him by his first name, et cetera.I don’t think she is completely aware that all of the consequences for him if or when more people find out.I know that he will lose his job and probably never teach again.I also know my friend, and she has a tendency to be pretty self-absorbed, so she might not even care about the consequences.She has nothing to lose and he has everything to lose. That is where I come in.

A really close guy friend of mine, and of hers, and I want to talk to the teacher.He isn’t aware that ANYONE knows; she won’t let us tell him.I like the teacher very much.I also used to have a lot of respect for him, although that has changed a little since I found out he was dating a student twelve years younger than he is.Under normal circumstances, he is pretty sensible, so I am afraid that once he finds out that ten other people in our town know — not to mention the fact that a rumor is circulating in a nearby high school that they are having sex — that he will break up with her.I know from past experiences that if he hurts her, she will probably tell everyone she knows about it.That means that even once the relationship is over, the administration is likely to find out.Another little problem is the possibility of her blaming me for ruining her fun, and hating me forever.

I have four days until my high school graduation.In August, I will start at an out-of-state college, and I probably won’t see my friend very often.I would like to just stay out of it and forget about all of the high school bullshit.I need some advice from an uninvolved, sensible adult.What do you think I should do?

Thank you,
Can’t Wait Until College

Dear Can’t Wait,

Witnessing the stupidity of others doesn’t necessarily obligate you to do anything about it.I mean, eventually, word’s going to get out, the teacher’s going to get fired, he’s going to dump your friend, she’ll start talking shit, blah blah blah…whatever happens is going to happen like a runaway train whether you try to influence the situation or not, so, don’t.Just get out of the way.

If you speak to anyone about it, start with an authority figure at your school who knows how to handle these issues, and if any adults ask you what’s going on, don’t lie about it.Otherwise, don’t get involved.

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