The Vine: June 2, 2004
To The Grammar Goddess,
Someone in my office insists that everyone use the word “finished” when a
task is complete. Every time one of us says, “We’re done,” she says, “Meat is
done. You are finished.” We’re all pretty sure that this distinction is, at
the very least, archaic, but we were wondering if this had ever been an
actual rule or just an idiosyncracy passed down from the employee’s mother.
The Done One (Charmed Recaps Shout-Out)
Dear Done,
I vaguely recall a couple of my teachers insisting on “finished,” too, but it’s not black-letter usage law.Garner notes that “done (= finished), when used as an adjective, is sometimes criticized, but the word has been so used since the 15th century.”
Short form: It’s a matter of personal preference, and not grounds for correcting others.
Here’s the deal, Sars,
I am 29 years old and I have been living away from my
parents
for seven years.Three years ago I moved quite a
distance
away from them (about 15 hours or so).The move had
nothing
to do with them in particular, but in pursuing my own
life.
I love my life here.I have friends here, a romantic
interest, and
the opportunity to play the music that I love.All
things that
I would have to give up, if I moved back to where my
parents live.
I was working at a terrible job that I wanted to quit
anyway.My
family was laying on the major guilt trip about not
being able
to be with them at Christmas, and I made the major
mistake
of quitting my job before finding another so that I
could visit
them at Chirstmas.
They offered to help me financially until I found
another job.
However, after extending the offer, they then starting
laying
the guilt trip on me for being so far from “home.”
Generally
going on about how they could “help me better” if I
lived
with them, they can’t afford to support two households
and
gave me the general impression that even though it was
them
that offered the help, that they don’t think I’ve been
trying
to find work.
If they can’t or won’t help out while I’m out of work,
then that’s
fine, I’ll find a way to get by, it was my mistake in
quitting
my job…but now that they’ve decided that they can’t
induce me to live with them by financial means, they
are
laying the guilt on thicker (“they” being primarily my
mother
and grandmother).
My mom calls me today and starts the conversation with
“I don’t suppose I could talk you into coming home.”
I
respond that I have a life here.She starts crying,
going
on about how she doesn’t understand why I don’t want
to live with them, how she worries about me all the
time
and how they could help me better if I lived there.
I tell her that it’s not that I’m trying to get away
from them,
but that I was miserable living where they live, and I
am happy where I am now, that if I returned to where
they live, they might be happier but I would be
miserable.
I know I’m being selfish and I don’t want to hurt my
mother,
but my life completely sucked before I moved here.
There
are no job opportunities where they are (my sister and
her
husband were out of work for nearly a year
themselves), there
is no opportunity to play music, which is the most
important
thing in my life right now and I simply am not happy
living
with my parents and especially my grandparents, who
live
in the same house with them.
I don’t know what to do.Should I give up my own
happiness
so that they can get whatever it is they get out of
merely
having me be “close” by, or just live my life and try
to ignore the guilt they keep heaping on?
Thanks,
Guilt-trippin’ in NC
Dear Trippin’,
Oh good GOD do not move back there.You have a life where you are; live it, and do so without taking any financial help from your family, because it’s clear they view that as an invitation to manipulate you emotionally.
What to do about the guilt trips, then?Well, just keep telling your mom what you told me — except subtract the parts about hating living with them and being miserable and whatnot, because it’s needlessly inflammatory.Just tell her that you love her and the family, you appreciate their support while you were out of work, you miss them, blah dee blah, but you have a good thing going where you are and (clear your throat pointedly here) you know she wants you to be happy no matter where you live.Doesn’t she.
If that’s not a snap she’s going to catch, just leave it and get off the call, but generally speaking, stick to positives — “I like it here,” not “I’d hate it back there” — and if she really cranks it up with the crying, drop an “I’m sorry you feel that way” and excuse yourself.Maybe she’ll figure it out and give up eventually, maybe not, but either way, don’t get sucked in.It just lets her know she can keep doing it.
Dear Sarah,
Almost a year ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. A drama ensued where I was dumb enough to date a friend of my ex’s, and my ex dated a girl that his friend liked.
Anyway, the girl dislikes me greatly. I never hang out with her, so it’s no loss on my part.
Anyway, both relationships fell out and I didn’t talk to my ex or his friend for a while. Then, I get an email from my ex and he wants to talk, hang out and pretty much be friends again. I agree. Being the complete sucker that I am, I started talking with him and his friend on a regular basis on MSN Messenger.
Then, just today, I ask my ex if he would like to grab a burger. And he promptly informs me that he’s going to be hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, the one that hates me.
It was like the bottom of my world fell out beneath my feet. It was then I realized that:
1) I very much still care for him.
2) I’m really jealous of this other girl and don’t like him being friends with her.
So, I want to get over him and stop being his friend. And I think the best course would be to cut every contact off from him and his friends. Or am I overreacting from my jealousy?
Teary-Green-Eyed
Dear Teary,
I agree with you.I would, however, try to avoid doing it too melodramatically.Tell your ex that it’s actually too soon for you and you don’t want to see him or hear from for a while, and then make yourself scarce and let your actions speak for themselves.
Heya Sars,
Love the site. Got a little quandary and need an outside perspective here.
First, some back story:
My boyfriend, K, works for himself as a general contractor. I’ve been with
him six years, and in that time, he has increased his business from small
jobs (home-improvement type stuff) to commercial work to supervising other
contractors. In the same time, he has had several fallouts with customers —
usually over money, sometimes over workmanship or scheduling or whatnot.
Hey, we all have work problems, right? I usually just listen to his problems
and try to help him figure out a solution if there is one. He almost always
believes the customer is at fault if a job goes wrong, and most of the time
I see his point. But he can also be hot-headed at times, and I know there
are two sides to every story.
Anyway, he is now thinking about expanding his business to a neighboring
town. He knows that my boss and my boss’s boss live in said town. He has
asked me to set up a meeting with them at my place of business to convince
them that they need his services. They both live in nice neighborhoods, and
he thinks that by selling to them he can spread his work around the town.
They’re both fairly well-respected folks — I work at a museum, so we’re
talking about the museum director and upper management.
But I feel a little uncomfortable with this idea. I mean, I’m willing to
pass along his business card and/or any promotional material he might have.
But setting up a meeting? At work? It seems unprofessional to me, as it
isn’t work-related. And what if they already have their own
handyman/contractor already? (To which K says, “I’ll convince them I’m
better.”) I’m worried he’ll give them a hard sell and that will reflect
poorly on me.
I’m even more worried that he’ll get their business and then something will
go wrong on one of the jobs. I’ve been able to separate myself from his work
conflicts in the past because they are just that — his conflicts. I will
help/advise when I can, but only he knows the people involved and the
particulars of the situation. If I introduce K to my bosses, am I partially
responsible if he has a disagreement with one of them? Will they think less
of me if they don’t like his work or the work of one of his sub-contractors?
I love K and I want his business to succeed. (Hey, we live together, and I
need him to pay his half of the rent too.) But he has an intense personality
that not everyone loves. And I don’t want to risk my job just to promote
his.
What do you think — am I overreacting and projecting problems where there
are none? Or being rightfully cautious and sensible?
Thanks,
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck,
Rightfully cautious and sensible, I think — the issue is how to communicate that to him when he doesn’t seem to get that he’s put you in an awkward position.
Which he has, and if you haven’t told him that in so many words, I think you ought to — that you feel it’s not entirely appropriate to engineer the meeting he wants.I mean, really.He wants you to support him in his work, and yet he doesn’t get that he’s putting you over a barrel with yours by trying to get in with your bosses.
Offer to pass along his contact info, but make it clear that that’s the end of your involvement, because you think it’s a bad idea for the two of you to get involved in each other’s work.He may very well get angry, but to my mind that’s proof that declining to deal with the meeting is the right call, if that makes any sense.
Hi Sars,
You have a great site and I like your advice.
I was sending a letter to a friend today and wanted to write the expression “It fits you to a T.”How is that spelled? “Tea”? “Tee”? “T”? Any idea where the expression comes from?
Thanks so much!
Lady Grey
Dear Lady,
Webster’s lists it as “to a tee,” although I imagine “to a T” is similarly acceptable, and in fact Funk’s 2107 Curious Word Origins, Sayings & Expressions lists it as the latter.
Funk says that many dictionaries attribute the expression to “the draftsman’s T-square, which is supposed to be an exact instrument, but the evidence indicates that the expression was in common English use before the T-square got its name.”(“To a T” shows up in the language in the seventeenth century, references to the T-square not until the eighteenth, or so Funk says.)So where does it come from instead?Funk thinks that “[t]he sense of the expression corresponds…with the older one, ‘to a tittle,’ which appeared almost a century earlier, and meant ‘to a dot,’ as in ‘jot or tittle.'”
Eh.Funk doesn’t always marshal the most impressive “evidence” in support of his etymological beliefs, and the idea that “to a T” is an abbreviation of “to a tittle” isn’t really a terribly intuitive one.I’d go with the T-square explanation.
Tags: boys (and girls) grammar the fam workplace
