I just read the latest Vine, and I have to disagree with you.An invitation to a wedding or any other event in no way obligates you to give a gift.You give someone a gift because you want to.Because it is a way of sharing good wishes, not because it is an obligation.I am planning my own wedding and etiquette quite clearly states that gifts from one’s guests are not to be expected.

Of course that is not to say that the bride and groom (or graduating senior, or birthday person, or new homeowner, et cetera) won’t be expecting something after all.But, under no circumstances is one ever obligated to give a gift.

Pastiche

Dear Pastiche,

My gut reaction to this: wrong.A formal invitation received in the mail obligates the person in receipt to purchase a gift, whether or not he or she plans to attend the wedding in person.But I did a bit of research, and here’s what various folks in the “weddiquette” field have to say on the subject:

Sasha Souza, professional wedding coordinator: “The invitation to the wedding technically carries with it the obligation to send a gift if you are social with the couple or the family.”Souza equivocates so much with this statement that we could really take it either way.

The Wedding Channel‘s resident etiquette expert: “If you do not attend the wedding, you are not expected to send a gift, but it would certainly be appreciated if you did. Or perhaps send a nice card with your best wishes to the bride and groom, to arrive the week after their wedding.”Okay, the Wedding Channel agrees with Pastiche.But they also say this: “You’ve been invited to a wedding; you should send a gift.”Another no-decision.

Here’s Peggy Post: “You’re not required to send a gift, but usually you’ll want to, unless you don’t know the bride or groom well or haven’t seen the couple or their families in years.”Peggy seems to take Pastiche’s view on this.

So, according to the experts, Pastiche is right . . . and as I said yesterday, Kuchitabi’s long-lost friend is probably going for the gift-grab and not inviting her out of any sense of kinship.But I still maintain that, if you receive an invitation in the mail, the invitation puts you on the hook for a gift, and while it’s exceedingly bad breeding to troll for registry items from people you haven’t seen in ages, it’s equally bad breeding not to send some token of congratulations.

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