Hi.

I’ll try not to make this problem sound complicated.

My boyfriend (D) and I have been together for nearly two years. This is for both of us the first boyf/girlf situation; we love each other but we know we aren’t going to be together forever or in fact any length of time, being young and quite liking the idea of sleeping with a good many people, et cetera. I’m 19 and he is almost 21.

I’m due to start a uni degree in September but will be staying in London (where we both live with our parents), so I won’t be at another end of the country. D will finish his HND (education thingy) in May or June and then plans to get some work experience and head off to Canada for three months with his best mate in early 2002. So our relationship would not last anyway; I’m not willing to wait around missing him for three months.

So there are several current problems. All of which I see as problems but D
does not. Exactly.

I see him going to Canada is putting an end date on our relationship. So currently I’m in “what’s the point?” mode. Also, I currently feel pretty unattractive. Which rationally I know I’m not. Okay, so I’m slightly overweight but I’m pretty and have boobs, et cetera. I also know that D still fancies me. He also loves me and I love him, but I equate love with sex; I see sex as an expression of love. He doesn’t. He doesn’t seem particularly interested in sex anymore. Although, reading back through my diary, this happened after the first six months, which I guess is normal. We have sex about once a week. We spend about three days together out of a week. He is incredibly affectionate (hugs and stuff), but I get hostile because I feel rejected. And then we argue and then I cry and blah.

Another problem is that we basically hang around at each other’s house and get bored and snap at each other. We seem to be stuck in a rut but neither of us can see a solution. We don’t have friends in common. We both have relatively few friends and his are mainly away at uni. We have discussed splitting up, but neither of us wants that as we are still in love and should be able to work this out.

We’ve also got health problems. D had glandular fever in October of 1999
and has been catching everything going round ever since. I have M.E. (or CFS if you prefer) and am moderately active, but we can’t exactly take up any athletic hobbies. I’m also mildly depressed but coping most of the time (on Prozac), but have been having experimental suicidal thoughts recently, although to be honest I can see myself committing suicide; I’m too stubborn to let life get the better of me.

I dunno. We’re both bored, and I’m miserable, and this makes D miserable. But we don’t want to split up. We have an honest loving relationship that I certainly think is worth saving. But we have got to the stage where something needs to change. We have the same arguments all the time (sex and Canada) but D does not see these as issues. I do. But I have no solutions, as I’m not sure what the problem is.

Argh.

I hoped writing this down would help. I’m still confused. Please could you give me some advice? Coming from a different perspective would be useful (and you give sensible advice and blah).

Help
Moochy

Dear Mooch,

At 19, I too thought that the simple fact of “in love” could trump all other problems.Yeah, we fight all the time, but We’re In Love.Yeah, he gets on my nerves a lot, but We’re In Love.Yeah, we don’t seem to have anything in common, but We’re In Love.

You may love each other, but that’s not getting it done here, clearly.Tell him that you want to take a break for a few weeks, for your own sanity; you want to think things over without him for a bit.Visit a therapist, don’t see D, get your head on straight about your future, and try to get your depression in hand.

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, you have to concentrate your energies on yourself for a while so that you can get better.Explain just that to D, take a few weeks off, and see where things go from there.

Dear Sars,

First of all, thanks for the down-to-earthness of Tomato Nation and the Vine in particular.I can see you’re a no-bullshit kind of gal, which is why I need your help!

Here’s the deal:my sister is 18 and still living with our folks in Europe (I moved out four years ago).My sister has had sex with her boyfriend who lives here, which I knew about, and while I didn’t love the idea, I supported her decision because I think one’s sex life is one’s own business.Also, she’s old enough to consent, and in fact was the one who wanted to have the sex.(Not that he objected, I hear.)

My mom, who tends toward the nosy at the best of times, asked my sister point-blank last week if she was having sex with the boy.My sis preferred not to lie and told Mom the truth.Mom flipped.Said she “knew my sister was having sex, but wanted to be proved wrong.”Said it was immoral and that she was debasing herself, blah blah blah.Why buy the cow…et cetera.So Mom calls me up and says she wants to discuss something regarding my sister with me, but tells me nothing yet.Then my sis called me and spilled the whole story.I told my sister that I support her and don’t think she did anything wrong.But I get the feeling my Mom is going to try to get me on her side and isn’t going to like my opinion.Sis is terrified that Mom and Dad are going to impose nasty controlling rules on her when they move back here (where boyfriend lives) in the fall.

Did I mention that my sister has to live with them for at least a few more years due to financial constraints?So moving out and telling them to bite her is not an option.

What should I say to my mom?And what should my sister do?

Thanks,
Sister’s Staunch Supporter

Dear Supporter,

It happens in families that siblings bitch to each other, and parents bitch to individual siblings, and parents bitch at each other, and siblings bitch at each other, “next time you talk to Mr. Stupidhead, tell him he could pick up a phone now and then” this, “oy vey, your sister — that nose ring is so trashy” that, “I can’t believe Ma had a kitten, I only stayed out till midnight” the other thing, “what’s her problem,” “what’s Dad’s problem,” “please talk to your mother,” “get Sar off my back,” forever and ever amen.My family is always hearing it from each other, about each other, all the time, but when my parents begin a sentence with the words “you might impress upon your brother that…” — well, that’s where I have to draw the line.I’ll listen to bitching, and do plenty of it my own self, but when someone else tries to enlist me in an argument, I’m like, “Um, no.Talk to him/her yourself.”

Stay out of it.If your mom unloads on you, remain noncommittal: “Uh huh.I see.Well, I can see how you’d feel that way.Right…right.Mm hmm.I’m sorry you’re so upset.”Don’t agree with her, or argue the point.You might try to find out what she’s planning to do about it, if anything, and why she feels so strongly about your sister’s sex life, but keep it neutral.And if your mother asks you to “talk to” your sister, politely decline to get involved, and ask her not to put you in the middle.

Your sister knows you support her; let her know that you’ll always be available to listen and bolster her, but tell her — as you told your mother — that you don’t want to negotiate this fight.Advise her to apologize to your mom, not for having sex, but for upsetting her.Maybe they can talk about the issue rationally if she approaches your mom that way.Beyond that, she’ll just have to wait for your mom to come to terms with it.

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