Dear Sars,

I’ve never done this type of thing, so I hope I can provide you with enough information to help me with my problem.

My wife and me have been married for two years. Most aspects of our marriage are fine, but she has some ways that, frankly, piss me off.

My wife likes to clean on the weekend. I don’t have a problem with that, but she wants it done when she wants it done and how she wants it done. I’ve told her, both sensibly and forcefully, that if she wants me to do something I’ll do it, but I’m not a little kid; don’t stand over my shoulder (figuratively speaking) and watch me do it and make sure I’m doing it right and all that. I’ve also told her that while I don’t mind helping, I’m not going to devote my entire weekend to cleaning up after I’ve worked forty hours (I work longer hours than her). I don’t go out with my buddies all the time drinking and just leave her at home — usually when we go somewhere, it’s together — but on the weekend I like to relax and wish she could do the same.

The other thing is when we have company. We entertain company on a pretty regular basis (about three times a month) and every time we do, she runs herself into the ground trying to straighten up and make sure everything is just right. She knows I’ll help her clean and I usually do take the initiative to be a keener when we have company, but she will get mad and yell and fuss…but then be all right when our company comes. She has this razor-like tone to her voice with me when we have company…almost like she’s gritting through her teeth.

Now, I’m a relatively clean person. I mean, yeah, things get dirty sometimes around here, but I don’t just live in filth. I wash dishes (by hand, sometimes), take out the garbage, let the toilet seat down, the whole nine yards. I’m a slob by no means.

I guess some guys can deal with this, but it goes deeper for me. My mom and my grandmother were the same way when company came around. They would get real fussy about cleaning and making sure everything is perfect and bark orders would snap at me…and then put on this fake grin afterwards. And I would just try to keep myself locked in my room until company left. They would make me feel so small when they were standing over me, fussing at me, and then go and entertain guests with this perkiness in their voice and big smile.

I never got up the courage to ask my mom and my grandma why they treated me so badly during those times, but I have asked my wife. She said that she wants her place to be clean, that I wouldn’t mind living in filth (not true), and that I don’t seem as interested in cleanliness as she is. I told her that I care about us having a clean place, but I’d rather us work together to clean and whatnot than her bark out orders and I just follow them. I also told her that we don’t keep a junky house, and if people were really that particular about our place…they don’t have to come. She just took that as me being unconcerned.

I do want people to feel comfortable at our place, but it seems like I’m not being as batshit as she is out of defensiveness. Is this is a woman thing that I don’t know about? Is she a narcissist? Am I too apathetic?

Signed,

Confused

Dear Confused,

It’s not a woman thing; she’s not a narcissist; you’re not too apathetic.Your wife 1) is kind of controlling, and expressing that in the way she manages not only the house, but the way you manage the house and the way you feel about managing the house; and 2) is conflating “doesn’t care as much about housework as I do” and “doesn’t care about her.”People do this all the time; I’ve done it myself.The obstinate refusal of one of my exes to pick up the goddamn bathmat and hang it over the goddamn shower-curtain rod reduced me to tears on several occasions, because he knew Hobey would drag it into the litter box and he knew I hated it when he (the ex, not the Hobe) left it on the floor to moulder and if he knew these things why couldn’t he just pick it up instead of treating me like a fuckin’ maid?!

Because he didn’t care, and as a result, he would forget to hang the bathmat, blah blah blah vicious circle.I didn’t learn it with that guy, but I’ve learned it by now, and it’s a cardinal rule of cohabiting with a significant other: if you care about a certain chore and your S.O. doesn’t, it’s pretty much on you to deal with that chore.It isn’t about fairness, it isn’t about “right” — it’s about accepting that your S.O. is what s/he is, and if what s/he is is a person who is laissez-faire about how often the laundry gets done, well, either buy extra underpants or take charge of the laundry yourself, because you can’t change people and you can’t introduce a naggy parent dynamic into the relationship.

Explain to your wife, again, that you do your best, for her sake, because you love her and you want her to be happy — you don’t actually give that much of a shit about cleaning, but you try, for her.Explain to her also that, when your best isn’t good enough for her, it’s not because you don’t care; it’s because the two of you have different standards, and if she’s that invested in having it done her way, she’ll have to do it herself from now on — either she delegates a given task to you and leaves you to it, or she does it herself.She can feel as pissy and put-upon as she wants to, but she doesn’t get to stand over you while you’re working, and she doesn’t get to take it out on you when company comes over, because it’s emotional blackmail and you ain’t paying that freight no more.

And the next time she does it?Strike.She’s advising you on how to wipe the counters?Hand her the rag, remind her you’ve talked about this, and go do something else.She’s giving you the fish-eye with people over?Take her aside, let her know that’s not cool because it makes you uncomfortable and hurts your feelings, and tell her the two of you can talk about what’s really going on after everyone goes home.

You have your own dynamics you’re not addressing here; you hated that your mother and grandmother acted like this, but you married the very same thing.The nagging, the passive-aggressive behavior, the inability to sit and relax instead of single-mindedly cleaning on the weekends…I’d have handed her the Clorox and gone out bowling years ago, but you’re getting something out of this.Something else is going on here, her need to control this very large aspect of the home you make together, your need to let her.Stop going along with it.It’s going to cause a fight, probably, but I think it’s a fight you two need to have to get to the bottom of why, after two years of marriage, this is still a battleground.

Because it’s not really about the chores.It never is.

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