My best friend of I don’t know how many years started dating a new guy about seven months ago.Within weeks they had exchanged “I love you”s, and within months she had packed up and moved several hours away to be with him.That’s not what I have a problem with.

The problem is that my best friend I were once part of a group of friends . . . there are four of us, and at one time we would have done ANYTHING for each other.It’s not like that time was ages ago . . . it was, oh, say, seven months ago.See where I’m going with this?Ever since she met this mouth-breathing Neanderthal, we’ve seen her maybe a handful of times.We all live hours apart and we all have serious relationships, so it’s not like the rest of us are single and living in the same town, but we move things around and manage to get together AT LEAST for a weekend or two every few months.She, for one reason or another, can never seem to do that anymore.The last couple of excuses were, “I can’t come to see you because HE doesn’t want to go anywhere two weekends in a row,” and “I don’t know how will keep my son for me” (she has a four-year-old that she KNOWS she could bring with her if she wanted, and even if she didn’t, why couldn’t her love shacker keep him since, oh, I don’t know, THEY LIVE TOGETHER?).When he goes out of town on business, though, she’s suddenly all over us wanting to visit, wanting to talk on the phone non-stop, et cetera, and has even made plans to visit . . . until she found out he was coming back early, and then she cancelled at the last minute so she could be there when he walked in the door.

It’s not just us; she’s like this with her family too.She said that the human wind tunnel doesn’t like them and thinks that they’re bad influences on her and her child, so she hasn’t seen them since her move in February.Everyone is worried about her, and we all miss her fiercely, but we don’t know what to do.We’ve had two huge blow-ups over this in the past few months, so she knows how we feel, but it doesn’t seem to be doing any good.I just miss my friend, and if I thought this was just her adjusting and enjoying her new relationship that wouldn’t bother me nearly as much, but the “new” best friend now seems completely incapable of going anywhere by herself, making any decisions on her own, and recently gave me a lecture on how “a woman should be subservient to her man.”Should I be pissed because my friend is missing in action, worried because she seems to have been sold into the slave trade, or a mixture of both?Her last response to my concerns was, “You’re right, I’m a shitty friend, and I’m sorry you all feel that way.I don’t know what else to do.”

Now what?Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
The second-string friend and her fellow bench-warmers

Dear Second,

Your best friend has made her choice.She looked at her friends and her family, and she looked at her boyfriend, and she chose her boyfriend.She told you outright that she knows that she’s behaving badly, but that she has no intention of changing . . . and it hurts, but it’s done, and you need to acknowledge it and move on.

Things change.People can’t always meet the burdens of their friendships the way they could in the past.Your friend knows how you feel, and for your own sake you need to let it – and her – go.

I dunno, I think I have to disagree with you on this one.I’m getting married in September, and I’m inviting a few people that I haven’t stayed in close contact with over the last few years, but with whom I was once close.I don’t give a shit if they bring a gift or not. I just think it would be great to see them if they could make it, and I think they might be hurt if they found out I got married and didn’t even try to track them down to invite them.

I think that y’all should cut the woman some slack. Most people think of their weddings as a big get-together of all the people they’re close to and all the people that they don’t often get to see. My friends tend to use them as reunions of a sort. Unless this woman knows her old friend to be mercenary, I can’t imagine that she’s sending an invite purely in the hopes of getting another place setting. She probably feels that based on the relationship they used to have, it’s appropriate to invite her old friend to the wedding, especially as their families seem to be close – and the rest of the family will likely be invited. She might not expect them to show up, but wants to let them know that they’re welcome.And that whole thing about the gifts being “required” – that is more for the guest who is unsure, and not a strategic plot used to calculate how many “dummy” invitations the couple can send out to get gifts from people they know won’t show up (and have to be paid for, which, by the way, is freakin’ expensive) at the reception.That’s incredibly tacky and rather unusual, and I don’t know why that would be your first assumption.

I’m just a bit surprised that the childhood friend is getting marked right off as a selfish brat for INVITING an old friend, rather than ignoring her.The friend certainly doesn’t have to go (whatever, she can have “plans” that weekend), but I don’t think she should buy into the idea that the invitation was an evil and manipulative ploy rather than a polite gesture. It’s one thing not to go because you don’t feel like you’re close anymore, it’s another to read all this weird materialistic shit into it.

Not-so-cynical bride

Dear Not-so,

For most people, a wedding is a celebration, a party to honor the couple as they begin their new life together.But for other people, it’s an opportunity to rack up expensive appliances.It’s not the norm, certainly, but it’s not a figment of my cynical imagination either.Wake up and smell the “Dear Abby” letter.The childhood friend has ignored Kuchitabi for years now, but suddenly she wants Kuchitabi to share her special day?Or does she want Kuchitabi to share her special day . . . with a toaster?And do you really think the bride herself wanted to invite the whole Kuchitabi family when she’s drifted apart from Kuchitabi herself?I don’t think so.The bride’s mother probably put them on the list and told the bride that she’d “better” invite them.

Okay, we’ve strayed pretty far from the original letter, and I could go on all day about my capital-S skeptical feelings about “the wedding industry,” and the petty politicking that so often goes on with the invitation lists, and the myriad sexist conventions entrenched in traditional weddings, blah blah blah fishcakes, and I know I sound horribly suspicious and scornful and like I Have Issues, but the reality is that a lot of people use their weddings as a license for tacky, greedy behavior, and there’s no use pretending that it’s all smooches and camaraderie when it isn’t.

[NB: I don’t mean to imply that I think you’d do that.I don’t even know you.I’m just a sourpuss.]

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