Hey Sars,

I’ve got a question involving housing for the summer. This summer, my two best friends and I found out that we all have internships in our hometown.We didn’t really feel like living with our parents again, but I found out that my dad was going to be away for most of the summer and he wanted us to housesit.I figured this was going to be the best of all possible worlds: living with my two best friends in a big house, but all of us can go home if we need to (my mom lives a mile or so away).

So, no problems, right? Well, friend A writes me to ask me if this random guy she kinda knows can live with us. I said no, because there was still the possibility that my dad’s thing might fall through, and I didn’t know this guy, and I really wanted the summer to be about the three of us. I told friend A this and she agreed, and said it was no problem and she had wanted the same thing (about the three of us). So no problems.

Then, I get another email from her, saying that her girlfriend might get an internship in town for the last five weeks of the summer and “please please please please” can she live with us. I might have an easy out because my dad would be coming back in early August, but I don’t know what the “last five weeks” would be for her summer.

Everyone I’ve talked to about this has said immediately, “No.” And I agree. I don’t particularly want to live with a couple, it just doesn’t sound fun to me. What if they break up? Get in a fight? But I don’t want to suggest this to friend A. And also, I really don’t want the summer to be friend B and me in one corner and Friend A and her girlfriend in another, and never the twain shall meet. Which I feel like it might be. I just think that living with a couple could cause some awkward moments.

Also, I’ve met the girlfriend only four or five times. While she seems like a totally awesome girl, and friend A really loves her so she must be great, I don’t really know her. And I don’t want to live with someone I don’t know.

I feel like since it’s my house, I get to make the call. But I’m feeling bad about this, and I don’t want to hurt friend A. How can I go explaining this to her? Am I even right to think this? Is she stepping over the bounds?

Thanks,
Landlord To Her Friends

Dear Landlord,

Say no.It’s not what you initially agreed to; if A wants to live with her honey, she can make other arrangements, but the three of you decided to live together for the summer.Not A’s friend.Not A’s girlfriend.You, A, and B.

I understand that you want to keep everyone happy, but if you say yes, you’ll just resent A if it doesn’t work out — and even if it does, A needs to let the people in her life deal with their own housing.

Say no.Use your father as an excuse if you have to, but make it clear that you won’t make exceptions, and that A should now stop asking you to.

Dear Sars,

I absolutely love your site! Your essays make me laugh until my side hurts. I myself am a budding writer;
essays just happen to be my favorite thing to write.

Anyway, here’s my problem.

I have just turned 13 and I am in the 8th grade. I have had a crush on the same person for about two years now. However, I have had smaller crushes on other people over the course of those two years. One of them happened to be my best friend, and we secretly dated for a week, but then quickly decided against doing anything more, mostly because it was too risky. After that week-long ordeal I realized that I really loved him and it wasn’t just childish attraction. However, he is my best friend and I know that I can’t love him, for the sake of my relationships with all of my other friends and teachers.

Well, I am back to loving my crush of two years again, who also happens to be my first crush. This guy is wonderful. He’s absolutely amazing, and I have always thought that of him. I know that I really truly love him.

There are problems with this, though. Many problems — so many I can’t count. First off, he’s 16, and I’m 13. He’s in 10th grade, and I’m in 8th. We don’t go to the same school, but chances are I will be with him for one school year before he goes off to college. I’ve known him since I was in diapers, but we didn’t become friends until I was in 6th grade. I didn’t have a crush on him until the very beginning of 7th grade. BOTH of his parents are my teachers, and my friends as well as my teachers. His younger sister is my classmate and one of my very close friends. I think my crush has a crush on his best friend, whom I’ve never met, but I know is very beautiful.

But he has a place in his heart for me, and I know this. There is a lot of romantic tension between us. He and I cuddle. That’s about the extent of the relationship I have with him. Cuddling. I love every minute of it, though. When he first started paying attention to me, I didn’t eat or sleep for four days. I loved every moment of that time, and I thought that I was dreaming the first time he put his arm around me and held me while I slept on his shoulder. And at the beginning of this school year, we almost kissed, but I chickened out. I can’t stop hitting myself in the head for that. I only see him every couple of months, and we don’t always talk. We have a lot in common, though, so it is easy to find something to talk about.

Now that I gave you an extensive background, here is my problem. I am not trying to boast, but I am one of the best students in my school, alongside his younger sister. Their mom (my teacher) loves me. I love their mom. She’s the best teacher I’ve ever had. She’s like a best friend to me. She knows that I love her son. She knows that we have had a few romantic encounters. She likes me, a lot, but I am hesitant to talk to her about this relationship that I have with him. Should I talk to her? Should I try to proceed with this wonderful yet sparse relationship? Please help! I’ve been trying to deal with this question for a year, and I love him more than anything in the world.

Truly In Love

Dear Truly,

Oh, dear…first love.What’s the line…never did its course run smooth?Well, welcome to it.

Should you talk to your crush’s mom?I don’t think you should.It puts you both in an awkward position, with the crush and with the crush’s sister, your friend.I would try talking to his sister before talking to his mom, frankly, and while you might not get the most receptive ear from the sister, I think it’s a better idea than talking to his mom.

Should you try to make a go of it with the crush?Hard to say.You seem pretty mature and self-aware, so I’d say go ahead and give in to the drama, but two things give me pause: 1. Whether it works out or blows up in your face, you and the crush and the crush’s family are all bound up with each other, and things could get very complicated very quickly.And not in a good way.2. Thirteen is too young to get into a sexual relationship.Yeah, maybe he’s not looking for that, but on the other hand, maybe he is looking for that.I know it sounds condescending, but as my friend’s mom used to say, you can never go back to holding hands.Life is long.Make sure you know what you’ve gotten yourself into, and don’t do anything you don’t genuinely want to do and/or know you’re ready for.

Whatever you decide to do, you’ll most certainly learn from it, but please, proceed with caution.I think it’s bullshit when grown-ups say things like “it’s not really love” and “she’s too young to know what she’s talking about,” and that’s not what I’m trying to tell you here.I believe that you love him; I believe that he has feelings for you.But just because you have an emotion doesn’t mean you should put it in play.Your crush isn’t that much older than you, and he’s not necessarily more mature at all, but he’s in a different place in life emotionally, and at thirteen, you probably think you can handle things even though you don’t quite know what those things entail.Again, don’t take this as talking down to you, but I remember thirteen pretty well even though it’s half a lifetime ago, and there’s a lot for you to figure out yet.Take it slowly.

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