Sars,

I couldn’t let your answer to the woman with narcolepsy go by. I’m not a lawyer, but I think people should know their basic rights under employment laws. In the US, the Americans with Disabilities Act provides legal guidelines for exactly her situation. Basically, if someone has a disability (defined as a condition that substantially impairs a major life activity), employers can’t discriminate against them in hiring and are obligated to provide reasonable accommodations for their disability if they are hired. If the disability makes the person unable to perform an essential job function, then employers can take that into account, but people have won large settlements from employers who didn’t hire them because it would be too much work to accommodate their disability. So legally, Narco-Girl has no obligation to disclose her disability, and even if she does, technically, the employer isn’t supposed to consider it in the hiring decision. (Very small employers are exempted from the ADA, and there is an clause about how accommodation can’t place an “undue hardship” on the employer, which all basically means that she might have better luck in getting accommodation if she seeks out larger employers.)

The same is actually true for arrest records — the EEOC and the courts agree that, because an arrest doesn’t carry a determination of guilt or innocence, arrest records can’t be considered in making employment decisions. (Convictions are another story.) Even if you tell an employer about it, legally, they’re not supposed to consider it. (And, if they’re at all conscious of their EEO obligations, it might freak them out that they inadvertently gathered inappropriate information during the interview.)

General employment info: http://www.eeoc.gov/facts/qanda.html
ADA-specific: http://www.eeoc.gov/facts/adaqa1.html

This is all just a general outline of my understanding of the law — Narco-Girl should definitely educate herself about the ADA and could probably find local or online groups that can help her determine whether her condition fits the definition of a disability.

I guess you can sign me,
Sorry to Be Pedantic

Dear Pedantic,

Don’t be sorry — I’m glad that you (and the others who wrote in to tell me much the same thing) are able to round out my advice.Thanks for the insights.

Dear Sars,

One of my oldest and closest friends (let’s call her Marie) is the instrumental music teacher at a local high school.This past school year, she’s gotten a bit too close with one of her students (we’ll call him Donnie).The relationship started out as nothing less than commendable — Donnie comes from a low-income family and his parents take little to no interest in him.Marie spent many hours after school helping him with homework, and soon Donnie was making As and Bs instead of Ds and Fs.

Now, Marie spends almost every evening with Donnie, “helping” him with one thing or another.She eats dinner with his family and watches movies with Donnie on the weekends.She introduces him as her “brother” and allows him to call her “sissy” (not at school, of course).I’m positive nothing sexual is going on between them, but that doesn’t negate how truly inappropriate this situation is.Marie claims that her husband doesn’t mind this relationship, which I’m not sure I believe.

To make matters worse, Marie was at Donnie’s one evening when Donnie’s father started hitting him (this was not the first instance of abuse, just that Marie witnessed). She refuses to turn the parent in (even though she is required by law to do so) because Donnie is 18 and she fears that his father will retaliate or kick him out of the house.Even after this incident, Marie continues to spend time at Donnie’s house and even calls his parents “Mom” and “Dad.”

I realize none of this is really any of my business, but I’m worried that her job and her marriage may be in jeopardy, as well as Donnie’s welfare.I’ve tried talking to her about this situation, but she refuses to listen.She becomes very defensive and shuts down.I think she has completely lost her mind!This is putting a huge strain on our relationship — I can barely talk to her anymore because all she talks about is Donnie.I have to bite my tongue to keep my opinions to myself because I don’t approve at all of anything she is doing.On the other hand, I’m worried that trying to talk to her will only cause her to feel resentment towards me and may even end our friendship.Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.Thanks so much.

A Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

You know that line in Election where Matthew Broderick’s character tells the teacher who’s sleeping with Tracey Flick, “What you’re doing is really, really wrong — and you’ve got to stop”?That’s what your situation reminds me of.

And it’s more or less what you should say to your friend: “Friend, I love you, and what I’m about to say, I say as your friend — but this Donnie thing is way over the line, and you’ve got to stop.You’re behaving inappropriately, you’re worrying me, you’re impossible to talk to on this subject or any other, and I don’t want to tell you how to live, but if you don’t find a way to step back from this whatever-it-is you’re embroiled in with this kid, I’m going to step back from you.”When you say it, mean it, and follow through on it.I know she’s a close friend of yours, but this isn’t about her actions or whether you approve of them.This is about a situation that is way bigger and more fucked up than you, and you need to distance yourself from it.

Your friend needs professional help.Her husband and her school need to twig to what’s going on.But that’s not your bailiwick, and short of interfering, which I certainly don’t advise, all you can do is tell her that you care about her, and then take yourself out of her loop until she gets her shit together.

I have a random-type question.

I’m fairly certain I’m in love with my boyfriend. He’s everything I really want or need in a person and so many extra things I just bask in.Love is a big issue with me because I’ve had people say they loved me very quickly in the past. Like after a few hours. So I’m very skeptical and hesitant to use the word.

The guy in question is totally understanding, and I think he might love me too. (Okay, I’m fairly certain if I said something he’d respond in kind, but that’s NOT the issue.) He was the first (and only) person I’ve had sex with. It was such a great experience (and continues to be) physically and emotionally.Could this just be a reaction to that? How do most people feel about their firsts (when the experience was good)?I make sure to tell him how much I care, without being tied to the L-word or anything quite as severe, so he won’t think I don’t care when I really really really do. I almost feel it’s too good to be true or I don’t deserve it.

Whatever. The point is, do I love him because he was my first and I associate all that goodness with him, or do I just love him?

Not Sure

Dear Not Sure,

Wow.What an interesting, tough question.I don’t even know where to begin, because love and sex get so tied up together and confusing sometimes.

Let me tell you how I experienced it.The first guy I slept with?Didn’t love him.Knew I never would.Complete pig.Cheated on me, pushed me around, the whole bit.But I went ahead and slept with him anyway, even though I didn’t love him, because I wanted to get it over with, because I wanted to have sex — to see what everyone kept talking about and obsessing over.Eventually, I found out about his umpteen other chicks on the side and dumped him, and then a few months later…

…I fell in love for the first time.At first, the guy got on my nerves, but I put up with him for a few weeks, and then one night we went to a summer carnival, and it started to rain, so we headed back to his house and hung out in his living room and listened to Depeche Mode, and I had a shirt of his on because mine had gotten soaked, and we just lazed around and talked about everything and nothing, and I went home that night and smelled the smell of him on my shirt, and I couldn’t lie still in bed, and I couldn’t keep a thought in my head, and I didn’t know what the hell had happened to me but I couldn’t wait to see him again, to hear his voice, to know that he existed somewhere on the earth, and it had just started to get light out when I sat bolt upright in my bed and said out loud, “Dude.DUDE.I’m in love with him.I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM.”

Let me put it another way.Love is like having someone’s arms around you when they aren’t even there.You’ll know it when you feel it, and it sounds to me like you do feel it.You’re just unsure of why, and nervous that it might be because you slept with him.

But sex can deepen and strengthen an emotional bond between two people.Sometimes, after you’ve shared that with another person, you feel more strongly towards them; the balance of caring for them is tipped towards something more.There’s nothing wrong with that.I didn’t feel that way about my first, but when I got around to sleeping with my first true love…hell yes.And there’s nothing wrong with your feeling nervous about saying The Three Words either, but you’ve gotta go sometime.

You love him.Why doesn’t matter — tell him, and enjoy the ride.

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