The Vine: June 22, 2011
A few years ago, I worked as a caregiver for elderly clients. One of my clients was Mr. B, and during the time I worked with him, I became close with his wife. Mrs. B was kind of like a surrogate grandmother to me.
I graduated from college in late 2009 and moved away. I miss Mrs. B and hope she’s doing well. I sent one Thanksgiving card when I’d first moved, but didn’t hear back. I’d like to send another card or letter to say hello. The reason I haven’t yet is that Mr. B’s health was quite poor, and — not to be morbid — I’m worried that he might have passed away. I feel like a heel for not knowing, though I’m not sure how I would, and I worry that if I address the letter to both of them when that’s the case, it will cause Mrs. B distress.
I’d really like to know how they’re doing, and let them know how I’m doing. How should I handle this?
Love the Vine, love the site. Thanks so much.
My Attempts Not To Be Rude Are Making Me Act More Rudely
Dear Rudy,
…Heh. It’s not rudeness; you’re trying to act sensitively, which in this case means that you’re not acting at all. It happens.
Before you address the letter at all, do a bit of research. This could get tricky if the Bs have a common last name, but if Mr. B has in fact passed away, Googling a string like “firstname B-lastname obituary” or “[Mr.’s firstname] [Mrs.’s firstname] B-lastname obituary survived” would probably bring up a death notice. If you know the name of their local paper(s), adding that to the search string would focus your results.
You can also hit up the uneuphemistically named Social Security Death Index. It’s somewhat hard to reach without going through a commercial genealogy site, but once you get to the SSDI, it’s free to search. Again, the more common the last name, the more creative you have to get, but presumably you know a few details that can narrow your search (knowing the place of either birth or death really helps).
So, you may get confirmation that Mr. B has in fact died — in which case you address the letter to Mrs. B, and note that you “heard” or “found” that Mr. B had died, how sorry you feel to hear it, and so on. No need to go into detail about how you got that info; again, these searches are legal, and in any case, it’s doubtful Mrs. B cares about the particulars.
But if you can’t confirm anything one way or the other, just address the letter to “the Bs,” express the hope that they’re both keeping well, and try not to worry about it. Word of a death sometimes takes a while to spread, and the family understands that, so go with the information you have.
Tags: etiquette
http://www.legacy.com has a nationwide obituary search feature (on the right). I work for charity that helps people with an always-fatal illness, and we use legacy.com to try to avoid exactly the same distress you are looking to avoid with Mrs. B.
Having recently taken over my mother’s estate, one of the things I did was put in a mail forwarding order for the address at which she lived. That way, I can get any mail from her many correspondents, some of whom may not know that she died. From my side, as a bereaved family member, it’s not particularly distressing to hear from somebody who doesn’t yet know.(She died after a very short illness, so word didn’t get out very far that she was even ill.) So my advice is to not worry so much about Mrs. B’s theoretical response to any tactful inquiry. You will have the opportunity to express shock and sadness when you hear the news; there’s no need to buy that before it’s gone on sale.
Just a side note- my grandmother LOVES getting letters but is completely unable to write back. I would keep age, arthritis and possible other infirmities as the reason for the ‘no reply’. As for the mister, mentioning him and that you are thinking of him is certainly appropriate.
I think you can send a note and maybe include your phone number? That way she can give you a call if she’s able.
Strangely, the death of “Jackass” cast member Ryan Dunn caused me a similar dilemma: A woman I know used to date another “Jackass” cast member. I didn’t know if she knew Ryan or his passenger, Zachary Hartwell, and whether I should send condolences. I opted for:
Since you used to date ____, it’s possible you knew Ryan Dunn and Zachary Hartwell, and I am very sorry for your loss. Such a tragedy!
She replied with:
Thank you [Isis]. ___ never introduced me to Ryan although because ___ shared a LOT of stories about him, I feel like a good friend has been lost.
I guess I got it right.
Another thought. 20 years ago, one of my sisters was a homicide victim. She’d lived at my mother’s house, she was only 23, and a few months after her death, a letter came addressed to her, from someone she met when she was on a trip while in high school. Of course it was a little upsetting to my mother and youngest sister, but the letter was very nice and they were able to answer it, breaking the news as gently as possible. At least Rudy knows it’s possible Mr. B has passed – my sister’s aquaintance would never have suspected.
Doing a kindness is never rude, as long as the kindness is extended in a thoughtful manner.
If the search tells you Mr. B has passed on, well, then you know. But if you can’t find out, addressing the note to both Bs won’t be rude. It means you bear both of them in mind, and that’s never bad.
If you can’t find out for sure, just write anyway and err on the side of assuming he’s still living. If you later hear otherwise, you can express your condolences then. Presuming someone’s death would be way worse!
Remaining family members generally understand that not everyone will have heard the news, and if he has passed, his wife is probably well aware of that; it’s not like you’d be “reminding” her by mentioning him. Also, I think it’s very nice to hear that someone fondly remembers one’s dearly departed (or not yet departed). It’s much worse to think that everyone has forgotten. So definitely do write, and focus on your memories of them and telling what’s going on in your life now, rather than “is he or isn’t he…?”
From experience, I think people are generally comforted to know that their family members are remembered fondly by others no matter how much time has passed since last contact. Twenty years after my father died, and nearly 50 years since last contact, I got a phone call for him from a shipmate in the Korean War. We met, he loaned me a copy of the ship’s log with fascinating details of life aboard a warship in combat, I scanned the log and gave him DVDs of it to share at the next crew reunion. It was good (and slightly weird) to have new stories to add to family legend/history.
I agree with Dorothy and Attica: write sooner, rather than later, and write on the assumption that he is alive. If he is dead or unable to reply, chances are that some relative will communicate back. I speak from experience: I made the mistake of assuming someone was dead because I had not heard from her in years. By the time I found out differently, I had wasted nearly a decade. She died a year later.