Men’s deodorant/antiperspirant.For whatever reason, they just hold up better.That “strong enough for a man but made for a woman” thing is crap.Degree for men (the “sport” one) is the only thing that keeps me clean, dry and smell-free.A quick splash of baby powder over it softens the scent.

As for the whitening of shirt pits…as soon as the shirt comes off, pit-stained or not, rub in a dollop of dye-free detergent (I prefer All free and clear) and leave until laundry day.The deterg will break down any bacteria before they can completely stain.Resolve carpet cleaner does wonders for the already yellowed pit stains.Spray, let sit, rub for a bit and toss into the washer.

TJP

Dear TJP,

Thanks for the tips.The prevention aspect of the pit staining seems to involve rinsing out or otherwise pre-treating the shirt if you’re not washing it right away, so the little germies don’t have time to “set.”For those of us lazy slobs who don’t do whites very often, this just might work.

More solutions below; asterisks mean more than one reader suggested it:

fels-naptha (which I misspelled yesterday), available at www.vermontcountrystore.com*
Mitchum, men’s or women’s versions*
put cheap white cotton or paper inserts into the pits of your shirts, i.e. “pit shields” (you can also use a maxipad cut in half, which…good luck with that)*
add a chelated zinc supplement to your diet
Drysol, available by prescription*
Botox your pits
move to a less humid climate (hee…drastic but effective)
Lavilin, or a knock-off of same, available at Now Foods
Crystal deodorant spray
wait for a sale at Old Navy, then buy a boatload of white tees
Google “strongest deodorant without prescription”
switch to an alternate deodorant for a while in case your body is “used to” your regular one
stop wearing deodorant entirely
Fresh Sugar deodorant/anti-perspirant (at Sephora)
Maxim anti-perspirant
Fruit of the Loom girly undershirts
make sure you’re using Certain Dri correctly (it’s not like a regular stick; you only use it at night), and DO NOT SHAVE your pits right before using it
shave your pits daily
stop shaving your pits (…hee.)
apply deodorant to dry pits only
Secret Platinum
straight vinegar on the stains
don’t dry your white shirts in the dryer; it sets the yellow
Adidas Women’s Deo*
Almay Clear Gel*
Arm & Hammer Ultramax
Carbona #7 stain remover*
Arrid Extra Dry clear-gel formula
Dove deodorant*
dissolve five aspirin in water and dab on the pit stain before washing
Gobi Stick by Bliss Spa
Melaleuca Eco Sense Pre-Spot
Z-Absorb powder
make your own deodorant: fill a spritzer bottle with filtered or spring water; add 10 drops of tea tree oil, 3-5 drops of grapefruit seed extract, and essential oils to taste; shake vigorously and spritz under arms, in shoes, etc.
drink more water; you’ll sweat less, and the sweat will smell less
eat more bright vegetables, and eat ’em raw
put the deodorant on last, after you’re dressed
pre-treat yellow pits with Lestoil
pre-treat yellow pits with diluted ammonia
put baking soda on your pits in the shower; leave for 30 seconds
crystal roll-on (also good for the under-boob area)

I have heard, from various late-summer brides, that Botoxing the pits does work for some people; talk to a dermatologist.And I got so many emails about Drysol and Certain Dri, I can’t even tell you — and yes, those treatments are a bit uncomfortable, but people are evangelical about their effectiveness, and you don’t use them every day.It might be worth some discomfort if you can attend dress-up events and not worry about keeping your arms at your sides.

[And now…the match-making.I was sort of joking about that first-date thing, but what the hell, right?

Meet Erika.She’s a TN reader, so she’s obviously brimming with intelligence and good taste.But she’s finding her personal life a bit dull at the moment.Can you help?Let’s find out.]

“I’m 22 and living in Freehold, NJ.I’m sometimes described as ‘cute and sarcastic.’

Both guys and girls are welcome to apply.I like dog lovers, music fans, foodies, computer geeks, television addicts, Entertainment Weekly readers, anyone who will not be disturbed when I say things like ‘my wife, Lauren Graham,’ et cetera.Applicants must possess a basic knowledge of grammar and the ability to use the shift key.Extra points will be awarded for cool glasses, chubbiness, or artfully messy hair.(All of which I possess, by the way.)”

If you’d like to chat with Erika, or you have a friend you’re keen to set up with her, you can reach her at aeonian@gmail.com.Please do not let me find out that you’ve sent her any spam or goat porn.

Dear Sars,

I am getting married in less than two months.Don’t worry, this is not a wedding etiquette question.

See, Almost Husband (H) and I both have parents who divorced and remarried.So in all of the planning, we had to keep the peace between four sets of parents.Now my folks are pretty easygoing and have always gotten along — with each other and with H’s folks.But H’s Stepmom really has a problem with H’s Mom, for no logical reason that I have ever been able to figure out.

They both wanted to host our rehearsal dinner, so I tried to negotiate a co-hosting between the two of them.Mom didn’t want to have to deal with Stepmom (who can be very controlling, demanding and kind of a drama queen) — and even offered to split the dinner in half (Mom hosts cocktail hour and dessert, Stepmom hosts dinner — or something).But Stepmom wanted input in the whole thing.We get along with both of them pretty well, but H and I decided that since Mom had asked for hosting duty first, she should get to host the dinner.

When we told Stepmom, I was afraid she would freak.But she was suprisingly calm.We offered her lots of other ways she could be involved (i.e. hosting a morning-after brunch) — but she refused.So it was a little tense, but I was pretty happy with the way everyone dealt with things.

Fast forward to this week, when H gets a call from his dad saying that Stepmom won’t be attending the wedding.I’m pretty upset, but figure she may have some half-decent reason to skip out on the big day.I call to talk to her about it, and at first she goes on about how she hates to travel, hates hotels, but then the real reason comes out.She doesn’t want to be anyplace where Mom is, and she is angry with me for “picking” Mom over her.

Now I had been already told her that we were sad/hurt that she was choosing not to come, but when it turned out this was the reason, and when she started going on about how H and I “aren’t really her family” I got really upset.I was trying to keep my cool and tell her how shitty I thought she was being while not actually saying “you are shitty” because that’s not really the best way to make a point. While I’m sort of babbling about how we think of her as family, and we’d really like her to change her mind, she says she never wants to see me again.I’m taken off guard and actually start to cry because really, that hurts, while she continues that I am never welcome in her home, dead to her, et cetera et cetera.

Now, H and I have always had to walk on eggshells around her, and if she wants to be rude to me, H, and H’s Mom, we have no problem cutting her out of our lives without much thought.But I am worried about H and Dad, who tends to be controlled by his wife (once, she got mad at H for showing up late to a party, and she and Dad didn’t speak to H for three years).H still really wants his dad’s approval/acceptance/love and I don’t want to ruin that for him.Dad still plans on attending the wedding, but, of course, not the rehearsal dinner.

So to the question.Do I suck it up and grovel for Stepmom to try to get back in her good graces?I’m not really sorry for confronting her about the reason for her decision, but I would bite the bullet if I thought it would make things easier between Dad and H.For what it’s worth, H says he is ready to write them both off, but the issue is still fresh and it’s likely he’ll start to yearn for that father-son bond eventually.And if I do apologize, should I do it now, or wait until the emotion of the wedding has passed?I’ve never really dealt with family drama like this before, and I am at a loss.

Thanks so much,
In-law hell

Dear Hell,

Wait until after the wedding.The thing is, Stepmom doesn’t really care about the wedding itself; it’s all a big symbol, to her, of a past she wasn’t a part of, which threatens her status as the current wife, and if she can’t see beyond that, she can’t — but you’ve got bigger things to worry about, I think.

I would just decline to deal with it.Stepmom pulled a real dick move dumping all of her self-centered shit on you, and she did it by design — she thought she could enlist you as, like, a fellow “outsider” or something, and when you declined to do so, which, duh, because it’s really childish of her, she got angry.But you’ll notice that she didn’t address these issues with H.No, she took it to the bride so that she could play the martyred “you chose sides!” card in case she didn’t get her way…which, I’ll bet, she already knew she wouldn’t if she talked to H directly about things.

Don’t pick that card up.If you really feel that the root of this issue is that H and his dad continue to have a relationship, then stay out of the way and let H do what he needs to do in that regard.Beyond that, take Stepmom at her word — if you “aren’t really her family,” you’re no longer obligated to pretend that she isn’t a manipulative bitch.You already tried your best to mollify her, and she responded by barring you from her house and announcing the commencement of the silent treatment.Don’t waste any more time on her.

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