Dear Sars:

I have a very unique and eternally irritating problem. It isn’t a new sort of issue. It’s a fairly old and long-lived issue. It’s only now that I have realized that, if I am to deal with it, I’m going to need to get advice from an extra-social-circle point of view. I, in my extensive screwed-up-ness, have a mild social anxiety disorder, among other things. It doesn’t restrict my lifestyle at all, as I am also fortunate enough to be perfectly comfortable on my own. Whenever the situation arises, however, that someone has stubbornly decided that he or she simply has to be my friend or die of a horribly painful aneurysm, that little niggling voice at the back of my head decides to put in its entirely unnecessary and unwelcome two cents.

See, I have a small and fairly close-knit group of buddies, most of whom know how mentally dysfunctional I am. Most of them have also had a fairly long term association with my life, three or four years at least. But still, even now, when I get especially “weird,” I’ll start thinking of ways they’ll get rid of me once they tire of my whining and my indecisiveness and my often-unexplained creepyness. And all these little scenarios in my head will expand themselves to such a proportion that I either immediately call them all up on the phone with the intention of inviting them over to my house and confining them there until they agree to sign a pre-nuptual-esque contract of terms should they ever decided to sever our friendship, or alternately giving them the brush-off in such a way that they will come to think of me as the anti-Christ. I am sick and tired of it, as I have talked to them about my anxieties and they have reassured me several times that they do not now and never will want to “break up” with me. I want to believe them, but that little middle-of-the-night, just-woke-up-from-a-nightmare-and-can’t-quite-put-my-finger-on-why-I’m-shaking-and-sweating voice keeps whispering that they’re lying, that tomorrow they’ll suddenly decide that egging my house and feeding anti-freeze to my dog is a good idea. Do you have any ideas on how I can make this stupid early-warning system of mine quit it?

Sincerely,
Anxiety Girl

Dear Girl,

You’ve admitted that you have a problem, but it’s one that’s beyond me to advise you on, so you need to take the next step — you need therapy, and you need it now.

Maybe you’re already in counseling, but if not, you need to go, and if you have already sought treatment, I think you’d better get more honest with your therapist about these issues, because it’s clearly not something you’ve dealt with properly.

I mean, there’s way way more going on here than your friends and your relationships with them.Social anxiety is usually just the tip of an iceberg, and the kind of irrational paranoia you describe isn’t something you can just will yourself not to feel.There’s a pathological fear of abandonment going on here, and you need professional help to bring it under control.

You seem to realize that your “dysfunction” isn’t par for the course, and it’s making you miserable, so it’s time to call in the cavalry.In the short term, when you feel yourself sliding into that mode of extreme insecurity, you can acknowledge the feeling, but you should resist the urge to act on it and muck things up; crab about it in your journal or something, but recognize that it’s not logical and that doing anything about it isn’t wise, and sit on your hands until it passes.Until you find a therapist who can help you work through your issues effectively, that’s the best you can do.

Sars,

I’ve been dating Mr. Wonderful for two and a half years, and we are planning to marry — it’s a great relationship. Before we started dating, I had a lot of self-esteem problems, and have constantly been working on this. I’ve gotten so much better, but occasionally hit a snag. One snag that keeps causing problems is a girl that works with Mr. W — “Mandi.”

Mr. W works with a lot of young people, and they all hang out together. From the first time I met Mandi, she’s blatantly ignored me, shot dirty looks, and said snide comments my way. Fine — I get the fact that she doesn’t like me for whatever reason. Whatever. But for some reason, on some level, it really gets to me — to the point that whenever I am in a social situation with her, I get upset. Mandi’s very friendly with Mr. W, who doesn’t like her too much but for work has to at least be civil to her, which I totally understand. He’s even spoken to her on several occasions about her behavior toward me, and first she denied it, then she said she was only doing it because I ignored her. She promised him that the next time we were together, she’d be different. And of course, she wasn’t. I tried to talk to her and she walked away, among the usual behavior. Poor Mr. W listens to me and talks it over with me every time I get upset, but I think he’s getting a little tired of dealing with it. Rightfully so. He tells me to just ignore it, that I am a better person than her, et cetera. But I can’t let it go. I start to doubt myself, get down, and panic whenever I’m near Mandi.

Can you offer any advice on how I should deal with this? I’m really tired of it and want to be able to go out with all these people without getting upset. I know I can’t not go when I know she’ll be there, so I need to work through this. FYI, this has been going on for over six months now.

Thanks, Sars.

Mandi-phobic

Dear Mandi-phobic,

Why does Mandi get to you?You mentioned that you’ve had self-esteem issues — what kind?Why would snotty, ill-mannered behavior affect you so much?Think.Write it down if you have to.What does the situation with Mandi remind you of?When you start to get upset and panic, what does that feeling recall for you?What’s in your past that felt familiar or similar to the feelings that Mandi churns up?

It’s upsetting when people don’t show us common courtesy, or act like bitches.It’s not “supposed to” go that way, according to the social contract that most of us follow; life isn’t an episode of Dynasty, and when others act nakedly unpleasant, it throws even the most self-possessed of us off our games.But usually we can assess the situation and decide that the behavior in question isn’t about us.Mandi doesn’t treat you like crap because of anything you’ve done; she does it because she’s a bitch.You can’t see that for some reason, and you need to figure out that reason.

I don’t see why you can’t just opt out of functions you know she’ll show up to, at least for a while.She’s not your work friend — you certainly can too “just not go.”Make other plans, tell Mr. W you don’t feel like it, whatever.She doesn’t like you and you don’t like her, so I don’t think you have an obligation to gut it out with her every time.

If there’s a social situation you do have to deal with, just avoid her.You don’t have to act like a bigger person.You don’t have to make nice.Stay on the other side of the room if you want to.If she acts like a twat, call her on it and cut her dead from then on.

But however you decide to handle her in person, sit down with yourself and think about why her social brattiness freaks you out so badly.

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