Sarah,

My good friend D and I (we are housemates in college) decided to live in DC
this summer, in a group house with a bunch of other people from our school. While we got off to a slightly rocky start (housemate problems, et cetera), we soon settled in, and even found good part-time jobs to supplement the measely internship stipends. Everything was going really well. Or so I thought.

This past weekend, D (who lives an hour away from our summer house) went home to see her dad for Father’s Day. She came back a day later than she expected, and when I got home from work, I found her crying and talking on the phone on our porch. When she got off the phone, I asked what was wrong, and she basically let the floodgates open.

She told me that she hates her internship, she hates her part-time job, and her parents constantly keep telling her to go home. This is her first summer away from home, and her parents keep telling her that she is depressed and that she needs to go home this instant. I am one of those people who can’t just be miserable, I always need to identify the root and fix it. So, coming from that end, I asked what exactly is making her unhappy at her internship. Her reply? “It’s boring.”

After we discussed all her options for an hour, she decided to drop her internship and apply to work at a candy store near the bookstore where I work (I am fairly certain they would hire her). I asked if she felt like that would be a waste of a summer (academically), but she said that she has worked as a lifeguard for three summers in a row and this would even be a change. She said she felt better.

Then this morning I was pulled out of a meeting at my internship by the secretary because D was on the phone. She was hysterical. She said her mom had called her and she was going home right away. There was nothing wrong with her family; she was just going home for a few days because her parents said it was the only thing that would make her better.

I don’t want to be selfish, but I am a little angry. First of all, I only came to DC because D convinced me (read: huge guilt trip) to come. I had an internship lined up in Boston and I was going to live near my boyfriend. Also, if she leaves, it would throw off our rent to the point where I am not sure we would be able to afford it. Finally, I feel like she is just giving up, and I feel like her parents are manipulating her completely! The girl is 21 years old and we are going into our senior year!Should I confront her? Am I being selfish? I know she has bouts of depression, and I want to be a good friend. How should I handle this situation?

Thanks,
Potentially Bad Housemate

Dear Potentially,

D’s parents live an hour away, and she’s still homesick?She’s “bored” at her internship, so she’s quitting?What a baby.We’ve all missed our parents and hated our jobs, but you know what?That’s too damn bad.She’s not nine years old.

D needs to grow up a little bit, and to suck it up a lot, and you need to put that fact to her — gently, but firmly.She made commitments, and she pressured you to make commitments, to a job and to a lease; if she wants to run out on her own plans, that’s fine, but she needs to make arrangements to cover her rent at the very least, and if she doesn’t hear that, call her parents and make them hear it.If it’s them behind this, then they can take the responsibility, but someone has to.You don’t have to bitch D out, but make it plain that you plan to stick the summer out and do what you said you’d do, even if she doesn’t, and she can do as she pleases but she’d better find a way to bring the rent back even or you’ll go over her head.

And tell her not to call you out of a meeting again, ever.D already has a mommy, and to pull you out of a professional situation to whine and cry about a non-emergency is unacceptable.

Hey Sars,

I have something of an odd problem.I am a young female college student at one of the most liberal universities in the country.Unfortunately, I keep experiencing…well, not quite discrimination, but something like its slightly-less-evil step-twin.See, I’m at this great school in north/central California, having arrived here from the great Midwest, about an hour away from St. Louis.When I reveal this apparently remarkable fact to my friends and associates, it’s not uncommon to hear such heart-warming sentiments as “Oh, really?Don’t people there have, like, three wives?” or “Oh, wow.How do you guys live without, you know, electricity and running water?” and the ever-popular “Oh, so I guess you have to hunt your own food or something.”Each of these is said with not-so-subtle undertones of disdain and/or pity and/or general snobbery.

What is with these people?It seems to me that they think that there is literally no civilization beyond the borders of their state.And this often comes from highly educated, supposedly intelligent individuals who unintentionally reveal their stupidity by telling me, in all seriousness, “Missouri?Oh, right, that’s on the East Coast.Oh, wait.It’s not?Oh, well. It doesn’t matter.”Some people are teasing, and some are seriously insulting my home.I may badmouth the Midwest, but that comes from a kind of affection deep down inside.These people are incredibly condescending and won’t hear an ill word about their cities or communities while seeing it as their right and duty to criticize mine.

How do I deal with these idiots?Tolerance/good humor worked for about two weeks, and acerbic sarcasm only works so well (and doesn’t work at all on repeat offenders).I’m getting completely fed up with this Californian superiority and need some good advice.

Fuming in the Forest

Dear Fuming,

I’m from New Jersey, so believe me when I tell you, I’ve heard that and much, much worse — from people had come to spend four years in New Jersey at college, no less.”Which exit?”Oh, ha ha.”But your hair is so…flat!”Oh, ha ha.”You glow in the dark, right?”Oh…ha.Ha.My sides.Splitting.Not.Why are you people here?If you hate it so much here, feel free to move to the real armpit of the East Coast — New Haven.Idiots.

My strategy?Learning lots and lots of positive things about Jersey — that it’s the blueberry capital of the world; that we signed the Constitution third; that we served as happy home to Thomas Edison and Charles Lindbergh, two great American heroes; that a Jersey girl can KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS in a bar brawl, people — and busting them out in defense of God’s Little Acre, then winding up with, “You don’t know thing one about the state except what you’ve seen from the window of a car, so cram it,” and changing the subject.

I suggest that you do the same.”Did you know that Missouri was responsible for [x cool thing]?””For your information, Missouri has the second-highest per-capita [export of vital grain or mineral] in the U.S.””Have you ever even been to Missouri?So where did you get [x derogatory bit of info]?Because that’s not true at all, which you’d know if you’d ever gone there.””And where are you from — Jersey?Please.Say hi to Jon Bon Jovi for me.”(We really really hate that one.)

But above all, don’t let it bother you.I love my state so much that I had its finest vegetable, the beefsteak tomato, tattooed on my arm.That’s where the name of this very site comes from.People make fun of that all the time, but I don’t care, because as any self-respecting Jerseyan will tell you, the Garden State rules.Love where you’re from, educate yourself about it, and blow off the ignorant comments.

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