Dear Sars,

I would really like an outsider’s opinion on my current situation.I have recently moved in with three friends, two girls and a guy.One of the girls is my fiancée, and we share a bedroom in this three-bedroom house, with the other girl getting a room and the guy getting the third bedroom.The other girl is the lease holder; I’ll call her “Jules” for the sake of the letter.

Before we all moved in together, we discussed how the rent would be divided, and it seemed to be decided that my fiancée and I would pay more than a third but less than half of the rent, since we were only using one of the three bedrooms.Jules’s boyfriend then got to her and convinced her that everyone should have to pay one fourth, his argument being that we are all paying for the entire house and not just a bedroom.My fiancée thinks we are getting screwed and should only have to pay a third, since most houses are divided up by bedrooms and not people.I don’t really know what to think, but in my opinion the answer lies more in what we agreed to at first, more than a third but not quite half.We have also offered to pay for half of utilities since that should probably be paid per person.

The house has a communication problem which is just making things more difficult to work out, and I hate to step on toes, but money is money and my fiancée and I are in college with not much to spare.So what do you think — should a house be divided by bedrooms or by people?

Thanks a bunch,
Perplexed in Columbus

Dear Perplexed,

What you initially agreed to sounds reasonable to me — more than a third but less than half acknowledges that you all use the whole house equally, but that you don’t each get a bedroom.And unless Jules’s boyfriend lives with you, he’s got no call to interfere.It’s not his decision to make.

Remind Jules that she already agreed to a split that looked more like two fifths for the two of you.If you like, you could also hint rather pointedly that, if her boyfriend plans to spend a lot of time at the house, he’ll have to chip in on the utilities he uses himself; otherwise he can, you know, shut up and mind his own.

Whatever you wind up agreeing to, get it in writing, and get it signed by all the housemates so that you don’t have to keep having the same annoying conversation every month.

Dear Smartie Sars,

I know you aren’t a shrink — but I need advice from someone who doesn’t know me, because all of my friends seem to be telling me only what they think I want to hear. I need real help!

So, I have this friend — we’ll call him “Bob.” I met him about two years ago when my boyfriend at the time played in a band with him. At the same time, I met Bob’s girlfriend; call her “Jane.” I became friends with Jane — we were kind of like band widows together and we all hung out as couples, et cetera. I always thought Bob was hella cool and sweet, talented, blah blah blah. And there was this unspoken thing of him having a little crush on me as well, although he was totally devoted to Jane and everything. Even she knew he thought I was “cute.”

Anyway, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I remained friends with both Jane and Bob. Jane and I would email on a regular basis, but I would only really see Bob when he was with Jane. They were living together up until last September, when they decided to move out from each other — but still be a couple. And he moved into an apartment on my street, with a mutual friend. I would see him occasionally and we became better friends. Meanwhile, he and Jane were not spending much time together, so they broke up. Then they got back together. Then they broke up again about two months ago.Now Jane and I are not really hanging out as much, and when we do, it seems awkward, because I am straddling the line and continuing to be friends with them both, and I think on some level she has always been jealous of the friendship between Bob and me, although NOTHING was happening while they were together — I honestly loved them both and loved them as a couple.

But lately I have been hanging out with Bob more, and it seems like something could happen with us. I am feeling about a million different things about this — guilt, confusion, excitement, horror, et cetera. I just don’t know what to do and am wondering what I SHOULD do. I love Jane, and even though we seem to be drifting apart, I am worried, because I know she will be devastated if Bob and I get together. But then I am also somewhat selfish, because I get along with him so well, and there genuinely seems to be something happening there…in the very early stages, as nothing has been remotely physical at this point, mostly because of my own little voices in my head worrying so loudly.

So, should I pursue something with my friend’s ex? I guess that is basically what it comes down to. No matter what, I am going to keep seeing him, and I am going to have to say something eventually, no matter what I decide. I just have no clue what I should do, and if something DOES happen — how do I break it to Jane?

Thanks for any help you can offer —
Crushed

Dear Crushed,

You want it both ways.You want to see what happens with Bob romantically, and you want to stay friends with Jane and not have her get hurt.Not going to happen, my friend.You’ve got to choose, and to live with your choice.

If you start something with Bob, Jane is going to get upset.If you try to protect your friendship with Jane, you could lose out on a great thing with Bob.There’s no third way, and I sympathize with the dilemma, but I can’t decide for you.Generally speaking, the rule is “don’t date your friend’s exes, ever,” but there’s a corollary to that: “…Unless you can live without the friend.”

But again, I can’t tell you what to do.I can tell you what I think you should do, which is to avoid getting into it with Bob, because the last break-up only occurred a couple of months ago and because, before that, the break-ups didn’t “take,” and he’s probably a little raw to get into another relationship right now.And I can tell you what I would probably do, which is to forge stupidly ahead with Bob without thinking about the consequences, because I tend to act on impulses that get me into trouble.

And I can tell you that you can’t have it both ways, but beyond that, you’ll have to figure out which way you think is best and go from there.If you do decide to pursue Bob, though, tell Jane right up front and get it over with.

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