Hi Sars,

I am getting married this summer, and I could use some
advice to resolve two disagreements between my fiancé
and me regarding the guest list and invites/RSVPs.

Due to both of our families’ financial circumstances
and my fiancé’s educational debt, I am going to be the
one paying for the wedding and reception.I have
budgeted a set amount for the wedding because, as much
as I want it to be a fun time, I think the wedding
should be about sharing our marriage with our closest
friends and family, not a Martha-Stewart-esque society
gala that would suck down my whole savings account.I
found some great bargains on a lot of things, and I
feel fortunate to be able to have a wedding and
reception for what I’m paying.In addition, I’ve
planned the whole thing myself because, if it were up
to him, we’d be off to Vegas.He just wants to handle
the tuxes and the groomsmen and be told when and where
to show up (but he’s been great about helping with
anything I ask him to).

Problem A is the guest list.I figured out that I
could afford up to 100 or so people and still have the
kind of reception that I want (either heavy appetizer-type food or a light buffet-style meal plus open bar —
NOT a formal, gourmet sit-down dinner), and added a 15-percent
cushion for assumed “no” responses.My fiancé
comes from a large family.Both of his parents have a
good number of siblings, and he probably has 40+
cousins (he’s not sure).

Between these family members, his immediate family
(also fairly large) and the friends he wants to
invite, our whole guest list is filled before I even
get past my (small) immediate family.I suggested to
him that we invite his immediate family and the
extended family to whom he is close, and send just an
announcement to the other family members.He thinks
this is rude and would offend the announcement
recipients.He also thinks I am worrying for nothing
because most of them won’t make the semi-cross-country
trek.I AM worried, because what if they do all show
up?I can’t afford to pay for all of those people,
and I really don’t want to take out a loan to have
people HE barely knows at our wedding.Not to
mention, I’m planning to include my family and close
friends in the festivities, and they’re going to take
up about 25% of the allotted guest list (that’s
about 30 people).This leaves 75 percent of the guest list
for him (that’s 86 people), and he says I’m being
unfair for asking him to pare down his family list.

Sars, it’s not like I’m asking him not to invite his
favorite Aunt Susie or his cousins that he grew up
with, but there are some relatives that he wants to
invite whose last names he does not know, and whose
addresses even his mother is having difficulty
finding.Is it rude to just send these people an
announcement?It’s kind of sticky because it’s his
family, not coworkers or high school friends or
something.

Problem B is the whole inviting and RSVPing process.
He wants to just send an invitation to each aunt/uncle
pair addressed to “The Smith Family.”I’m not a
stickler for etiquette, but everything I’ve read says
(and every wedding I’ve been a part of indicates) that
the invitation is addressed to all parties invited so
that it is explicitly clear who’s invited.If the
invitation says, “Ms. Susie Smith,” that means Aunt
Susie, not a date and not five-year-old Billy.He
also says that his family will have no idea what to do
with the RSVP cards, and he doesn’t expect that most
will send them back (even though his family is full of
very bright people, the return postage will be
included, and the card states, “The favor of your
reply is requested by June 1, 2003”) because “that’s
not the way [they] do things.”He says his family
works by word of mouth, and if they hear someone’s
getting married, they assume they’re free to show up
for the festivities.

If I am being unreasonable and/or rigid, please feel
free to bitch-slap me into the middle of next week,
because I don’t want to be the bride that gets so
caught up in etiquette and society crap that I chafe
everyone around me.Ultimately, I need a guest list I
can afford and a head count for the bakery, caterer,
and reception site.What do you think is a good
compromise?

Thanks,
Don’t Want To Be A Bridezilla

Dear Don’t,

“Compromise”?No.Just because he would rather do it in Vegas doesn’t mean he gets to be all “relaaaax, maaaan” about things now.

“Not the way they do things,” my white ass.It’s not their party, so you know what?They can do things the way other adults do them, or they can stay home.A wedding is not a come-as-you-are party.It has expenses attached to it, expenses for which you are responsible, and you have the right to put your foot down, so do it.He gets half the guest list — 50 percent, not a tenth of a point more.Period.He can fill it however he wants, and he can address those invitations in whichever way he sees fit, but he only gets half the room, and if he waxes vague with the addressing and 150 people show up, he will have to send home as many as you can’t afford to feed.He will, not you.

Do not negotiate.Tell him what’s what.If anyone’s acting rude and unfair, it’s him, and she who pays the piper calls the tune, so tell the band to strike up “You — Stand Where I Tell You And Shut It” and start dancing.

And while I’m up, let’s review what “RSVP” means, because in my irritating experience, a lot of voting adults do not seem to get that it means “please respond.”It does not mean “only tell me if you ARE coming.”It does not mean “only tell me if you AREN’T coming.”If it DOES mean that, the invitation will EXPLICITLY STATE “regrets only,” or something to that effect.(“Regrets” means you can’t come.)If you have received an invitation that has “RSVP” on it, YOU MUST “R.”Why?Because the host needs a head count, and it is rude to leave the host hanging while you wait to see if better plans come along.It’s the single most pervasive abuse of formal etiquette going these days, at least among customs we still observe, and frankly I don’t see the problem, especially when it comes to wedding invitations, which in most cases already have a stamp on them.Sit down, look in your planner, decide to go or not, and let the host know.Takes five minutes.

Dear Sars —

I’m underweight.I always have been.My boss, a dentist, is constantly making comments and asking how much I weigh today in front of and to our patients.I feel like a sideshow.Without the patients present I still feel that the remarks are inappropriate, but in front of them is horrible.I’m sure that if I was on the other end of the spectrum he wouldn’t dare comment, but his remarks are just as hurtful as if I was overweight.How do I let him know that these comments are unwanted without losing the job I’ve only had six weeks?

Light Lass

Dear Light,

Pick a moment when there aren’t patients around and tell him that the remarks are inappropriate and unwanted, and that you would appreciate it if he kept them to himself, particularly in front of the patients.Remind him that your weight is none of his business, and that if he has concerns about your health, 1) he needn’t, and 2) in any case, it’s a matter to be raised in private.

If an apology is offered, accept it, but do not tell him, “It’s okay.”It isn’t.It’s condescending and invasive.If he doesn’t offer an apology and mentions your weight again in front of a patient, tell him again, in front of the patient, that you don’t appreciate that kind of comment and you’d like him to stop making them.If that still doesn’t do it, quit.Surely you can find a dentist to work for who isn’t a jackass.

This past November I had gastric bypass surgery (yeah, stomach stapling) and have lost, as of this morning, 60 pounds.Yay, hurrah, huzzah for me.I feel better and look better, physically.Emotionally, not so much.

See, except for a couple of years in the early ’90s, I’ve always been overweight and had to deal with the misery that usually comes with being overweight.(I know there are some people who feel great about themselves no matter what, but I wasn’t then, and am not now, one of those people.)I still had a few dates and was still told how pretty I was/am (okay, yeah, thanks, whatever) but it’s not like I was getting whistled at or asked to the prom or any number of skinny-girl things.Also, I grew up without a dad or any male role models. This may mean something.Or not.

Now, at 60 pounds gone (and with 40 still to lose), I am starting to attract people and I am freaking about it.I have absolutely no idea how to deal with the looks, the propositions, the leers, the smiles, et cetera.It’s not like I’m model material or anything; I just don’t take up as much space as I used to.Guys are talking to me and to my chest and my legs, and guys are hitting on me, I think, and I have no idea what to do.Someone asks for my number, and instead of saying, “Thanks, but no thank you,” I give them my number and then don’t answer the phone for two weeks.Someone makes a remark, and unless it’s overtly nasty, and I don’t know if I’m being complimented or propositioned.

Part of me feels really offended. I mean, there’s less of me out there, but I’m still the same person and I’m all “why are you talking to me now when five months ago you wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire?”Part of me feels really great.Part of me wants to run and hide because I don’t know how to react, act, talk, et cetera.

I am very proud of myself for getting through the surgery (still have some problems, but it’s been worth it), and I’m enjoying buying new clothes, but I feel a bit resentful and flustered and almost like my privacy is being invaded (sort of, “What the hell are you looking at!?”) by anyone who seems to admire the results.What is up with that?

Any advice you can give is so greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
It Was Almost Easier Being Fat

Dear Almost Easier,

I think you should look into therapy — and you may have already done so, but if not, it would probably sort out a lot of these issues for you.

You haven’t told me whether your weight issues came from a physical problem like, say, a gland disorder, or whether you had just accumulated extra poundage as time went on, or what — but if it’s the latter, it could have something to do with you fearing your own sexuality.We’ve all heard of seeking solace in food, but that’s not quite the same thing; I’m talking about cushioning yourself in extra weight so that you won’t have to deal with the implications of being sexually attractive.

Now, I don’t know that that’s what’s going on with you.If it is, hey, I’ve done that too — a lot of women do it, because it’s easier for us to tell ourselves that we don’t get dates because we can’t wear a mini than because of some other less obvious, more scary and icky reason.It sounds faintly ridiculous, but it’s fairly common.And if it’s not, you’ve still found yourself in a strange position — you look different, but you feel the same on the inside, and you haven’t gotten accustomed to the kind of, for lack of a better word, fraught attention that you get more these days.Counseling could help you come to terms with some or all of those things.

Either way, don’t feel weird about feeling weird about the whole thing.Our culture’s attitude towards weight and physical beauty is so beyond fucked in so many ways that I think it’s totally normal for you to feel a little shell-shocked by the change.

Dear Sars,

When reading A Weighty Situation’s situation on
the Vine, I immediately thought of one of my
friends who is also of larger proportions.She
is a good friend, but when she comes to visit
from out of town, we find ourselves politely
telling her that we don’t have room for her to
stay.We have antique beds that would collapse
under her pressure.Actually, all of our
furniture, except in the kitchen, is old and
cannot be replaced.They are also sentimental,
being inherited from loved ones.They can handle
the weight of a more average-weighted person
easily.How does one politely keep a friend away
from and off the fragile furniture?

Last time I drove this friend around for a few
days, I had to get my car realigned (I had it
realigned before her visit) because of the undue
pressure on the passenger side.Any ideas?

Anal About The Antiques

Dear Anal,

As I said before, you really can’t tell a heavy person that she’s too heavy to come over and hang out.It’s just too harsh, plain and simple.But it is possible to have your friend over and still protect the heirlooms, if you don’t mind planning ahead a little and maybe spending a little extra money to do it.

As far as her staying with you, I would keep politely saying that you don’t have room.But what to do about the car, and having her by for dinner and whatnot?One word: Rentals.Rent a car for the duration of her stay — just a mid-range sedan jobbie.Get the damage waiver for an extra ten bucks and let Hertz deal with the alignment; overall, it’s still probably cheaper than the wear and tear on your own vehicle.Then go to Taylor Rental or a similar place and rent a few pieces of sturdy furniture that she can sit on, or buy it cheap on eBay or at Wal-Mart — nothing schmancy, just folding chairs and an indoor/outdoor bench or something — and put the frailer furniture away during her visit.You could even try to borrow the stuff from friends.When she leaves, return the furniture or put it in storage until she comes back to town.

It is kind of a pain, and it is kind of expensive, but it will save money and hurt feelings all around in the long run.

Hello Sars,

I recently moved across the country from Seattle to accept my perfect
dream job. I live in a small studio apartment with four talkative
parrots (I tell you this to let you know that things are probably
a little chaotic in my apartment when there are lots of people there).

Two friends from home are coming to visit me soon and stay at my
place. These two friends have been long-time friends of mine (I
introduced them to each other and they later married) and for a
long time, I felt they were my best friends in the world. But after
I moved, they suddenly were too busy to stay in touch with me, or
so it appears to me. I called them fairly often (at first, anyway)
but they rarely called me and I still email them at least once per
week, whereas they send short sporadic responses.

Now they wish to visit and stay with me in my apartment. At first,
I was excited about seeing them again and sharing my good fortune
with them. But as the time for their visit approaches, I am starting
to resent the situation, because I feel that I am only good enough for
them to talk to when they are looking for a free place to stay. Also,
I am in a stressful and demanding place in my career (working 70-80
hours per week, with little ability to stop this work schedule any time
soon unless something REALLY IMPORTANT happens), so I don’t feel that
I can deal with the added pressure of having all of us crammed into
my apartment for five days. Further, I don’t want to spend much time
away from my work. But so far, I have not been successful at making
them understand this.

Despite everything, I am hoping that my friends’ visit will possibly
help to mend what I consider to be damage to our friendship, that I
can trust them to be supportive and communicative friends as they
were in the past. But really, I have my doubts. They don’t seem to
appreciate where I am in my life or the amount of effort it takes
me to try to keep this friendship going, and they don’t tell me much
of anything about their lives, even when I repeatedly ask.

Add to all this…I have a love interest whom I have told no one
about and — so far — I have no desire to tell anyone about him,
either. My love interest is currently in Iraq and will likely be coming
home soon, or so it appears. I already promised him looong ago that
he can stay with me when he arrives here, but no one can predict when
he will actually show up. But it is VERY possible that he will arrive
when my friends are here. If he is here when my friends are here, I
wish to spend every second of time that I can with him — even if I
have to take vacation time away from my work to do this. He lives
on the other side of the country in San Diego, so my time with him
is very limited, and besides, we haven’t seen each other since January
2nd! We are working on developing a long-term relationship (and I am
considering moving across the country again in the future to be with
him, even though I prefer to stay where I am), so I feel that our
time together is very precious for many reasons.

I hope that I am simply worrying about nothing at all, that my love
interest and my friends will not show up at the same exact time,
which would make my personal life easy and uncomplicated. But things
generally do not work out that way for me, so I am expecting the
worst.

Basically, I don’t know what is “the right thing” to do in this
situation. I do not want to tell my friends about my love interest
even though it might make my situation easier for them to understand.
If my love interest shows up when my friends are here, I don’t feel
that I can ask them to stay in a hotel, and I don’t have the money to
stay in a hotel with my love interest. Besides, my parrots would be
upset having “strangers” stay with them. Do you have any advice for
a graceful way to deal with this situation?

Sleepless in NYC

Dear Sleepless,

Leaving your love interest entirely out of it…just tell them that you can’t have them stay with you.You don’t have to offer a reason, but if you feel compelled to, I think the fact that you live in a studio and your work schedule is insane should do the trick.If it doesn’t, too bad.They will need to arrange for a hotel.

People who don’t live in New York City tend to forget — or to not understand in a real way — how little space we live in here, and having guests for longer than a night or two is just plain physically inconvenient for a lot of us.It’s not that we don’t enjoy having guests, and I for one feel pretty guilty saying, “Yeah…sorry, I don’t have room for you,” but…that’s the fact, Jack.I live and work in one room, with two cats already in residence, and when I get rich and have a big house, you can live in the guest room in high Klipspringer style for as long as you want and we’ll have a grand old time, but until that day, it’s better for everyone if you HoJo it, and I think that’s what you’d better give your friends to understand.

The timing of your amour’s return from Iraq will work itself out one way or another, but it’s not a good idea to have your friends stay with you.You don’t have the space, and you do have unresolved issues in the friendship that living on top of each other for most of the week will not help to clear up.

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