Sars,

Long story short. I’m a 28-year-old only child of a single mother. My mom’s health has been, for about the last decade, what could casually be called a clusterfuck. The latest problem to develop is that she needs both hips replaced; she goes under the knife in the next few weeks for the first of two surgeries.

Separating all the other health problems and guilt issues that are coming up, and have existed for many years, about being the only son of a single parent (without any close family ties, mind you; her brothers and sisters live nearby but have never once gone grocery shopping for her), my question is this: Should I ask my mother who my father is?

Because the thing is, I don’t know. My entire life, I’ve never known. Mom does know, and, at my request, has never told me. There’s been a time or two where the topic has come up, and I’ve never gotten the details, but the standing agreement has been that when I want to know, she’ll tell me; until then, the issue is a non-issue.

And it really has been, my entire life. For whatever reason, Mom decided not to include my father in our life; I suspect that she knew that I would grow up in a home where there was fighting and unhappiness, and that’s what she had and she wanted none of it for me. And really, I wanted for nothing growing up, at least emotionally speaking; I never felt the lack of a father figure in my life was a deterrent, and Mom is a great enough parent for two people and then some, so I never had much more than an idle curiosity in the matter.

But here I am, after a decade of bad health, on the cusp of my mother having surgery. Not particularly life-threatening surgery, but surgery nonetheless, and I’m faced with a possibility of being parentless should anything goes awry. And now, I’m wondering if I should ask that question that’s been hanging around, on and off, my entire life.

I worry that, if something should happen, that the story will then die with my mom, and never being able to know is almost scarier than knowing. I don’t have any desire, really, to seek him out and have a relationship with him; it’s just a part of my life that I think, maybe, at some point, I’ll want to know. If she wasn’t having surgery, I wouldn’t ask now, but, well, she is having surgery, so here I am.

I honestly am stuck in the middle on this, and would like to have some input from a neutral party, which is why I turn to you. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thanks,

Wondering about the paternal unit