Hey, I just read your response to the Missourian at college in California.

In order to stop people from badmouthing her home, she needs to show them something that they’ll find impressive.Knowing what’s important to college kids, I think all she needs to do is show them a beer commercial and point at the bottom of the screen:”Anheuser-Busch Inc., St. Louis, Missouri.”That is one BIG honkin’ brewery downtown.

There’s also stuff like the world’s tallest artificial monument (the Gateway Arch).The Dred Scott slavery case was heard at the old courthouse downtown.The state was home to both Mark Twain and T.S. Eliot, and of course Lindbergh crossed the ocean in The Spirit of St. Louis.

If all else fails, she can explain that Missouri is known as the “Show-Me State.”And when the idiot says “Show me!” that’s the cue to give him the finger and walk away.

New Yorker by birth, St. Louisan by choice

Hello,

I am at my wits’ end, so I thought that I’d give your advice a try.(I read your column every few days or so, and you seem to have more wit than most — maybe you have some to spare?)

I will be graduating from a professional/graduate school at the end of the month. The school is prestigious — nationally ranked and all of that. Approximately 40 percent of my classmates don’t have jobs yet, and I am one of the people in that number.Consequently, everyone and his uncle have asked me where I am working and why I don’t have a job yet.

What do I do when people continually ask me why I don’t have a job yet?I try to politely explain to them that I have been looking for a year and simply haven’t found a place that I am compatible with yet. Truthfully, I’m not really that choosy — I have a wide geographical area and a fairly broad range of subjects with which I can work. The conversation then degenerates into “Well, how picky are you being?What are you interested in? What are you waiting for?Don’t most people in your class have jobs already?” and other questions which never fail to raise my hackles.

How can I politely deflect these questions?I’ve managed to keep my cool so far, but I’m tired of being accused of being lazy and overly choosy — neither of which I am.I’m also more than a little sensitive about my employment status, because of several near misses. Help!

Chapped in Chapel Hill

Dear Chapped,

The people who ask you whether you have a job yet, or why you don’t, just want to make conversation.It’s lame, and it’s annoying, but you have to learn to shrug it off, because it isn’t going to stop.

Tell those who ask that you haven’t found a situation you feel compatible with yet, just as you told me; add, while smiling sunnily, that you know you’ll find something soon; change the subject.I remember well how judgmental those questions feel, and I still get that feeling from time to time when I tell someone that I work in Internet content and she’ll give me that pitying “you poor foolish girl” look.But these people don’t know your situation, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to correct their mistaken impressions.

It’ll die down when you get a job.Until then, compose a stock response and try not to let it bother you.

Dear Sars,

I’ve never written to anyone for advice before, but I like your style. You seem to have a good balance between listening to your head and listening to your heart.

First, some background. I’ve had clinical depression for years, and I take medication for it, but I still have days when I just can’t get out of bed. I have a lot of health problems, and I miss work a lot. I feel like a real piece of shit for it, but fortunately for me, my bosses are pretty understanding. I just wish my husband was.

I am not real happy in my current job, and I told my husband so the other night. I told him I don’t feel like I’m very productive because I don’t like what I’m doing and, as a consequence, I don’t feel I’m performing adequately on the job. (All my performance appraisals have been outstanding, so someone is happy with my work even if I’m not.)My husband responded that I’d better get out of there soon before I got fired. Not exactly the supportive response I was looking for, but I didn’t say anything.

I was home sick from work yesterday, and last night my husband made the comment that I’d better hang on to my job, because no other employer would be as tolerant of my absences. He’s right; I don’t know why anyone tolerates me or my absences. However, he’s my husband, and I expect him to be a little more supportive of me. Whenever I am sick, he is more worried about my getting fired than he is about my health. I told him last night that my boss has been very understanding of my health problems and absences, and that my boss is more supportive of me than he is.

I don’t expect my husband to pick me up when I’m down, and I don’t expect him to cover for me when I screw up. However, the two comments I’ve just told you about really hurt my feelings. I don’t expect him to lie to me and tell me I’ve nothing to worry about. If I say something to put myself down, I don’t expect him to build me up. But I don’t want him to agree with me, either.

I guess what I’m asking is if I’m being too sensitive to his comments and making too much out of them. I don’t expect him to fix my problems and make me feel better. But I think I have the right to expect him to not make me feel worse. I have a hard time opening up and telling him (or anyone) about my feelings. His comments make me not want to talk to him at all. If I can’t open up to him, what is the point of being married?

What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Gloomy Gus

I think that, the next time your husband busts out with a comment that tactless, you should bite his head clean off, like so: “What?What did you just say to me?You know that I struggle with this disease, you know that I already feel pressured and guilty when I miss work, you know that I feel bad enough about myself — and that’s what you choose to say to me?Well, thank you so much for your support, if by ‘support’ I actually mean ‘diplomacy-free and hurtful comments that don’t help at all.’Which is what I do mean, because when you say that shit, it makes me feel annoyed, bad about myself, and reluctant to open up to you about anything.No, don’t even — don’t even.I know that my disease and work absences are a concern, because they’re mine, and I know that finding sympathetic employers is difficult because it’s me who lives with this thing, and it’s not that you aren’t allowed to express an opinion, but for fuck’s sake find a nicer way to do it if I’m already in bed with the blues, because that shit doesn’t help.I’m going into the kitchen to bang the pots and pans.If you’ve got something to say that actually respects my feelings, feel free to come in and share that something with me.”Then haul your ass out of bed and slam the cookie sheets into each other for a few minutes while he thinks that over.

It must get frustrating for your husband, and worrisome — both that you don’t feel right and that your feeling not right might endanger the household finances.But there’s a way to put that so that you don’t feel even more sad and scared about the effects of your disease, and your husband needs to learn that way, because his way is rude and counterproductive.Tell him so, and don’t let him give you that “I’m just being honest” business, either.Again, there’s a way to speak honestly without speaking hurtfully.It’s a fine line, but it’s totally walkable, and he’s totally over that line right now.

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