Sars,

This may not be a topic worth revisiting, but I thought I’d share what my friends and I did in our four-bedroom, five-person setup (one engaged couple plus three other people). We had initially agreed to the more-intuitive “somewhere between 1/4 and 2/5,” but difficulties with the other rooms not being equal sizes (one teeny tiny room and two really large rooms) meant that we had to find some way to work through all the variables.This may be anal, and it certainly is arbitrary, but we decided to divide the space into 1/2 bedroom and 1/2 house living.That meant that 1/2 of the total rent was split absolutely equally amongst the housemates.The bedroom half was split into four, with the couple dividing that portion up however the heck they wanted to.

Sorry this is so long and convoluted.The main point is that it’s important for them to remember that the bedroom is not the whole house (which is a point you made quite well), and that it’s possible — though perhaps a bit petty — to break things down into actual figures, if that’s what they need in order to be happy.

N

Dear N,

Good suggestion.The idea is to lay out the terms as “fairly” as possible, and then to stick to those terms, period.Otherwise every month ends with scraps about the phone bill and how many friends such-and-so had over and it’s just an ongoing nightmare.

Sars —

I wrote you last June about having an affair with a married man. It was an extreme rebound situation — I had just been dumped by my boyfriend of a million years and this guy is the opposite of my ex — physically imposing, unintellectual, sexual.I ended the relationship for the first time about a month after my letter to you when he went off to L.A. to film a movie.I didn’t speak to him until after I moved abroad to start my MFA.

He called two days after I’d moved to this foreign country and was sitting alone in my new flat.He begged me to come home the next weekend, told me he’d pay for my ticket, and I did.This continued all fall — I flew home every three weeks to see him, which was stupid on so many levels.I couldn’t fully engage in my life abroad, because I was staying hooked into this fruitless relationship.I came back to the States for the month of January and we broke up again for a couple of reasons, but mostly because a friend of mine told me she had been invited to his anniversary party.This made me realize that

a)he was not representing his marriage honestly at all, which he portrayed as two people barely speaking to each other;
b)I had believed him, which was stupid; and
c)I cared, which was even stupider.

We didn’t speak again for a couple months, and I turned my life around — I worked really hard at school, I dated someone really cool, I got a new therapist.But then the married guy called and I really am not sure why but I agreed to go meet him on Spring Break.Though it was a really “romantic” week — we got to do all kinds of things we can’t do when we’re at home — I still felt like shit at the end of the trip (surprise) and ended it.Again.

You can see where this is going — I spent a few months without him, had an amazing time, and came back home for the summer.I have not started the relationship back fully, but have seen him a couple times.

Here is my problem — not what to do with the “relationship,” that’s obvious, and once I stop hating myself, I’ll stop seeing him — the problem is my friends.I have a group of phenomenally supportive friends who have stuck by me through this whole degrading saga, who have been alternatingly loving and ass-kicking.I cannot put them through this again by telling them I’m seeing him again, but lying to them feels so much worse.

Should I be honest, or should I save them from having to listen to more of this?I feel like part of what keeps me with this guy is some fucked-up attachment to the drama (vacations to foreign countries, middle-of-the-night “I have to see you” meetings, passionate-but-untrue declarations that he cannot live without me and must leave his wife), and that the constant discussions with my friends feeds that drama.

Thanks,
Don’t have any excuse

Dear Don’t,

That depends.Do you not want to tell your friends because you think they’ll judge you?Or do you not want to tell your friends because you think the subject bores them?

Because if it’s the latter, I’ve got to tell you, it probably does bore them a little bit at this late date.You’ve got a problem, and of course they want to help you with it because they care about you, but you don’t seem to want to help yourself, and from their point of view, that’s getting kind of old.You know how they feel about it; you’ve all discussed it many times before.Again, it’s not that they don’t care.It’s that they’ve said everything there is to say, and it’s up to you to deal with now, and…you haven’t dealt.

But pursuant to that, if it’s the former, well, fuck them.We all get into these situations and get tangled up and stuck and don’t do the hard thing because it’s hard.You’ve got issues with the married guy that you haven’t worked out yet, and you’ll get there, but you’ll make mistakes first — that’s just how these things go, and true friends will sympathize and support you while you try to figure it out.

But you have to figure it out, not your friends, and you should keep that in mind if/when you tell them what’s going on.In other words, there’s no need to lie to them about it, but there’s no need to conduct a lengthy caucus on the subject, either.They know the deal by now, and so do you.Give them the headlines and change the subject.

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