Sars,

I am a recovering anorexic — whatever that means. Basically, I see no difference between my “recovering” self and my “anorexic” self, except that I have small periods of time where I remain in my weight range. I have been struggling with my eating disorder for two years, and have been hospitalized twice. The second time I was sent to a ranch that has the highest success rate of any eating disorder treatment center in the world. I spent nine weeks there and also spent $87,000. That’s not exactly money that I can afford to throw around again. In addition, if treatment at this place was not successful, doesn’t that imply that no treatment will be? The sole reason that I have been doing better since my return is because I don’t want to hurt my mother. But now that I am going off to college, nothing will be standing in my way. I’m not sure what to do.

Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

Don’t give up — not yet.Eating disorders can be extremely tough to root out permanently; the issues run very deep, and it takes time to address them all, and you’ll have setbacks, periods where you don’t make much progress.It’s easy to feel hopeless about it at times, and I don’t blame you, but you’ve got a bunch of things to take comfort from.

First, and to my mind most important: You acknowledge that you’re still battling it, and you want to get better.That’s not a small thing.Give yourself credit for that.Second, getting better isn’t correlated to how much money you spend on doing so, so don’t throw in the towel just because you and your family spent a lot of money on something that didn’t work — I don’t see any reason why it necessarily “should have” just because it’s an expensive place.If you really want to get yourself better and address your food and control issues, you can do that in a low-cost environment just as well as in a fancier one.The point is that you can do it, and you will.

And finally, the going-to-college issue.I know from experience that a lot of women go off to school and either develop eating disorders or worsen pre-existing disordered thinking, but any college you go to will have an eating-disorder support group — at least one — run through the health services department or the women’s center.If you go to college in a city of any size, the community will have resources for you to take advantage of too.It’s a situation you do have the ability to affect, if you choose to do so, and it sounds like you want to.

You will still have days where you find yourself counting Grape Nuts, and you will feel like crap about it, but that doesn’t mean it’s over.You can beat it, with time, and before you go off to school, I really think you should enlist your mother’s help, even though she’s going to worry and maybe get upset.Tell her that you need her to have your back, to keep an eye on you — not in a smothering way, but just to know that someone knows what’s going on with you and to buck you up for the fight now and then.

It’s your life.Keep fighting for it to be a good one.

Dear all-knowing Sars —

I’m wondering whether I should speak up in this situation. Here’s the story:
Nicole and I used to be really good friends in grade school, drifted apart
in junior high, and when we went to separate high schools, we sort of lost
all contact with one another…until a few weeks ago.

I ran into Nic and her boyfriend Tim while I was out shopping a few days
ago. They invited me to join them for a fast-food burger, and we all chatted
and laughed and had a grand time.

So, since then Nic and I have gotten back into talking and hanging out, and
I’ve learned that she’s engaged. She and Tim are getting married as soon as
she turns 18 in July. I think they’re making a huge mistake for several
reasons: Tim is her first serious boyfriend, they’ve only been dating for six
months, she hasn’t told her parents about the engagement, she doesn’t
intend to until after it’s a done deal, and of course, there’s the little
matter of her age. Regardless, I don’t think it’s my place to say anything,
since it’ll just sound like I’m judging and telling her what to do.

I don’t know Tim very well, but he seems like a decent guy. That makes this
even trickier. I’d have no problem speaking up if I could see signs of
abuse, or if Tim were obviously a total scumbag or something, but as far as
I can tell, he’s not.

I don’t know what to do, Sars. Should I shut my trap and stand idly by while
someone I care about makes what is likely to be a huge mistake, or should I
say something? What, if anything, can I say that won’t make me sound like a
horrible friend?

Thanks,
Sharon

Dear Sharon,

It does sound like a tight-fitting pair of Bad Idea Jeans to me, too, but I have a feeling Nic won’t respond well if you tell her she’s making a big mistake.But you’ve got another way to broach the subject, which is to just ask her about her decision-making process.

Don’t get all Grand Inquisitor about it — you haven’t been in touch for a while, so you can phrase it in terms of getting up-to-date on the back story.How did she meet Tim?When did they decide to get married — any special reason why there’s such a rush?How come she’s not telling her parents?Does she think they’re going to flip?Where are they going to live?How do they plan to make money?

If you ask in a “girl, dish the dirt” kind of way, she’ll probably open up, and maybe you’ll see an opening for expressing your concerns — which, to my mind, are valid.It’s one thing to get married young.People have done that since time immemorial, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.It’s the “not telling her parents” thing that leads me to believe she’s not mature enough to make what’s supposed to be a lifetime commitment to someone.

And in the end, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it.Try to find a constructive, nonconfrontational way to say that it doesn’t sound like the greatest idea, and once you’ve done that, that’s that.

Sars,

I read your site all the time and I really like it — you have great advice, so I thought you might be able to help me with my current dilemma (pardon my spelling please, coffee makes me a little dysfunctional sometimes).

So, here’s my question, almighty answerer of all questions (bleep)ed up in nature:

I have a real chance at messing up an ex-boyfriend’s heat-of-the-moment heartthrob mack player wannabe-type relationship with some chick he likes apparently. See, his email account still has the same password (my name) from a relationship about three years ago (psycho anyone?), and I turned on his saved sent items so I could read them (I’m not the stalker here, he’d do the same if he could).Well, anyway, he has all these weird romantic letters to this girl who hates me, and then more to another girl I don’t know, so…should I muck it all up and send the letters to the other girls? I mean, this guy did cheat on me and other horribly rotten things (like hit me and other crappy things), so I have the right, right? But then I run the risk of not ever being able to read these funny lame-ass emails again. I thought you of all people could help me out on this one.

Jittering in Caffeinesville

Dear Caf,

All right…no.Just…no.

You’ve written to me before about your self-esteem issues, and I’ll tell you again what I told you before: Get therapy.Your letter?Not coming from a healthy place.And I say that with sympathy, believe me.I have had many “vengeance is mine, saith the Sarah” moments of my own, and I can feel the impotent rage you’ve got going, and I feel for you.I do.But mixing it up with your ex’s new chiquitas isn’t the answer here.I mean, the primary reason not to do it is because it’s wrong, and it’s immature, and it’s going to make you look like an idiot, but leaving those issues aside to look at the bottom line?It’s not even going to give you the satisfaction that you think it is.

Why not?Because you don’t like yourself, and getting into it with him this way is only going to deepen those feelings…even if he’s partially responsible for those feelings, which it sounds like he is, because he’s a suck-ass.But you have shit going on that is so much bigger than him by now, and you really really need to get that shit dealt with, because you have no perspective and no sense of your self-worth that’s not in relation to other people, and that’s just no way to live.

Amputate him from your life.Forget his password; stay out of his shit.You didn’t deserve the crap treatment you got from him, but you need to find a more constructive way to deal with that, a way to channel your fury that’s not going to boomerang it back around onto you and make you even unhappier.I think counseling is the best option.But whatever you do, do NOT give that turd the satisfaction of wronging him, even in a small way.It’s not going to help.

Sars:

I have a terrible problem. I have been encountering this phrase — “in
terms of” — in writing and
in speech for decades, and I am so sick of hearing it, especially from social
science types, that I
don’t know what to do. I just hate it so much that the corrosive hatred is
eating me alive. It has almost
become an all-purpose, semantically nearly weightless, preposition that is
shoving other fine prepositions
aside for the purpose of obfuscation.I’m thinking of Orwell’s “Politics
and the English Language.”

What should I do?I fear that reason will soon desert me. Thank you for
your advice.

James M. Girsch

Dear James,

Well, I don’t know what you should do.I assume that you aren’t in a position to ban it from use at the moment — you aren’t editing papers that contain it, or running meetings in which it crops up — because you probably would have mentioned that.If you are in fact in such a position, start trying — gently, please — to eliminate it from the common parlance.

If not, well, it’s just one of those usage tics that you have to roll your eyes and tolerate, because it’s too widespread to fight, and on its own, it’s not incorrect.You can, however, take comfort in the Lord.No, not that Lord — Bryan Garner, who agrees with you completely, saying that the phrase “is often indefensibly verbose.Whenever you can replace it with a simple preoposition, do so…”Usually it’s used as a substitution for “for,” which doesn’t really need such a substitution, so it’s like “utilize” for “use”; people like to sound more erudite, and often don’t realize that adding more syllabage (I made that word up — don’t email me) doesn’t automatically accomplish that.

So…yeah.Not much you can do, except to avoid using it yourself and try to lead by example.

Hello Sars,

Okay, here is my dilemma: I have insecurity problems and am emotionally confused. Let me explain — I am pretty, have a loving and wonderful new boyfriend, a good job, and friends who tell me I brighten their day whenever I enter the room. Why is it that I make myself believe that I don’t have any of these things? I put myself down and can become very depressed, because I throw myself these stupid self-pity parties.

Here is the emotionally confused part…when I become depressed, I don’t like to be around anyone; that includes family, my friends, and my boyfriend. All of these people ask me what’s wrong, and although my face will show that I am very upset/sad about something, I tell them that it is nothing and then I brood and refuse to speak. I also get jealous over the stupidest things. (And I know that I have no reason to be this way, but I can’t get out of Anger/Sad Melodramatic Mode!!)My family leaves me alone, because we were raised to not deal with our emotions but to simply get over them. Any time I would feel sad/angry, my mother and father would berate me. I was told to suck it in and get over whatever the situation was and move on with my life.It’s hard for me to explain things, because I can never think quick enough on how to talk to people in person.

My boyfriend has tried to get me to be open with him, but ends up getting frustrated because I shut him out. I am also very clingy, and just last week he asked if we could have some alone time apart, that he wanted to hang out with his friends and that I should stop ignoring mine. Not to break up, mind you, but just occasional time apart to do our own thing. I got mad and stopped talking for about a hour. After I cried my eyes out and said WOE IS ME, a friend sat with me and told me to try my best to tell him why I feel the way I do. It’s baby steps, but I did, and his reaction was a positive one.

Okay, now to get to the point (I have another problem of rambling, but that would take another letter)…I have gone to the doctor and have been prescribed Prozac, and I do feel better. But what I am wondering is, am I normal? Is there a way to get out of these stupid attacks? Your thoughts would be nice. Be as blunt as you like. I think I am screwed up, emotionally and mentally.

Self-Pity Weirdo

Dear Weird,

Yeah, you’re screwed up.You’re insecure; you’re emotionally impacted; you’re not dealing.Join the club — it’s gigantic.

Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — it’s not about “normal.”It’s about “happy.”To take a page from Dr. Phil, it’s about what’s working for you.The way you feel, the way you act, it isn’t working for you.You’re unhappy, and it’s not abnormal to be unhappy.It’s just…unhappiness.It happens.Don’t beat yourself up about it.

You grew up in a family where emotional stuff didn’t get dealt with in a real way, so there’s that, and as a result, you’ve gotten depressed, so there’s that, too, but you can change the way you react to those things and to other emotional situations.The Prozac will help even you out a little bit and not feel quite so beaten down by everything, but you should couple the anti-depressants with counseling.Take a look at the ways your family led you into certain dysfunctional patterns of thinking and behaving.Figure out ways to address your emotions without feeling overwhelmed by them.

You’ve taken some good first steps — getting some help, trying to open up to your boyfriend.It’s hard; it’s not something you’re used to doing, but you can learn.Yeah, you’re a little messed up.Who isn’t?Don’t worry so much about what everyone else is doing; focus on learning to live your own life in a way that doesn’t feel like a muscle spasm.

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