Hi Sars!

Longtime reader, first-time writer.I’m hoping you can offer some suggestions for handling this rather awkward situation.

I met my friend, Janet, just over three years ago when I started working with her.We started out as work acquaintances, just exchanging pleasantries around the office and whatnot.She’s an incredibly kind, sweet and caring person and is pretty popular around the office.It wasn’t until we started hanging out socially a few months later that I met THE OTHER JANET (dun dun DUN).

Our first social occasion was a small party for a co-worker at a local bar.I sat with Janet and a few other people, so my attention wasn’t solely focused on her or her interactions with others — still, I noticed she got rather chilly every time she was approached by our waitress.A few people looked at Janet sideways when she loudly snapped at the waitress for bringing her the wrong size beer, but I figured, “Hey, she’s just having a bad day.It happens.”Either that or Janet was acquainted with this particular waitress and had been previously wronged by her somehow.In any case, this was the first time I noticed that Janet seemed to have a major problem with restaurant wait staff.

In the subsequent three years we’ve been friends, we’ve gone out to dinner together countless times.The behavior I mentioned above has happened on most of these occasions in varying degrees, usually over something completely harmless — tomatoes on a salad when she specified sans tomatoes, the server bringing the entree out too quickly/slowly, being seated too close to the front door/bathroom/kitchen entrance, and so on.I swear to you, Sars, it is impossible for the wait staff at any restaurant to make her happy.There is always something wrong, and it’s always an excuse to get huffy, slam forks or napkins onto the table and exclaim, “This is not what I wanted!”I can’t begin to describe how horrified I am when she has one of these hissyfits because, as a former waitress myself, I know what it’s like to be yelled at over inconsequential shit.Not only does it make the server feel terrible, it makes everyone at your table uncomfortable and a bit nervous (like, “Dude, what’s she going to go berserk about next?”).As a result, I’m uncommonly kind to wait staff (even when they’re incompetent) and I tip like a rich person (I’m totally not).This is not to say that I expect the same from all my dining companions, but come on — some measure of civility is expected, I think.

I would normally ascribe such behavior to a spoiled upbringing — I knew a lot of rich kids in high school and college and was privy to this sort of thing from them constantly.But I know Janet had a humble upbringing and I know she’s not like this with friends, family or co-workers.Just waiters and waitresses.I’d stop going to dinner with her to avoid getting in these situations, but dining out is just about the only thing we can do as friends with our strange work schedules.I really like her, but her behavior is really cramping my enjoyment of our time together.

How do I broach this subject to her?I’ve casually scolded her about it a few times in the past, but each time I was met with indifference or a response like, “She fucked up, she deserves it.”I disagree wholeheartedly, but my opinion doesn’t seem to have any sway at all.It’s as though she’s determined to find fault with the restaurant’s service and will nitpick on anything just to make our server feel bad.This has to be some kind of psychosis, right?

Signed,

If Waiters Are Spitting In Our Food Because Of This, I Am So Done

Dear Oh, They Are,

The next time she has a canary at dinner, lay it out for her: “Janet, I really enjoy our friendship and I like spending time with you — but when you treat wait staff this way, it makes me very uncomfortable.As a favor to me, could you please make an effort to behave more pleasantly towards servers?”If she blows it off again, well, there you go.It’s time to stop socializing with her in any sort of food-service environment.

You can tell her that this is your plan, or not; I do think that, if she chooses to ignore both the wait staff’s discomfort and yours by acting up again, you should tell her the next time she wants to make plans that 1) you’re not going to a restaurant with her, and 2) why.

You can tell a lot about a person from the way they interact with servicefolk, whether it’s a waitress or a cashier or the UPS guy, and what I already know about Janet, never having even met her, is that she thinks some people aren’t worth her respect or courtesy based on their jobs.You say she’s a kind and caring person, and she probably is — to you.For now.But how “kind” is it for her to keep behaving this way when you’ve already told her you don’t like it?And how good a friend is she if you spend all your time with her bracing for the next flare-up, or peering at your food for evidence of a hocked loog?

We’ve all had bad days and snapped at the lady at the bank.It happens — once in a while.Every time?It’s bad breeding, and that isn’t generally confined to one area of a person’s behavior.I’m not saying you should dump her as a friend, but she needs to see some consequences to this behavior.

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