I teach at a community college in a vocational, para-professional health program.I am one of two full-time faculty members.Our students seem to have unofficially (hell, maybe they did it “officially” and I don’t know) elected me “Righter Of All Wrongs” in our program.My boss (and the program director, a well-known professional in the field), the other full-time faculty member, and an over-assertive baboon at times with our students, serves as the crux of many of the “domestic” disputes I mediate for the students.

Today, a tearful student came in to complain about how this other instructor (my boss) deals with giving “criticism” while handing back tests.This issue has come up between the two of us (my boss and I) before, because I personally don’t like the format he uses, mainly because it pretty much consists of picking out a student or two and berating them about their performance in front of the whole class.I won’t go into the problems, or the reasons, for why I hate this approach; just let it be said that he knows I don’t agree with him on this.This student, who was on the receiving end of one of these “feedback” sessions, was completely outraged.She felt belittled, intimidated, unjustly picked out, and violated.I listened to her, handed her tissues when she cried, and gave her my honest opinion of her skills and professional behavior (I’ve had her in other classes in the curriculum).I also feel like I blew her off slightly by referring her to see our dean to speak to her about my boss’s teaching skills and methods (she had already been to see the counselor earlier today).

It’s not that I’m afraid to confront my boss about this specific incident; I’ve done it in the past in a general-type way before.I just don’t think I could really effect any change on him.Plus, I must admit, the guy is my boss.When he retires in a few years, I will be up for his job.I’m also up for tenure in a few years, and I wonder if having a confrontation about this would be in my best interests.Basically, I’m torn between my place and my job here and defending this student.I don’t really feel like I’ve done all I could on the matter and am kind of afraid to do more.Not that I want you to tell me what to do, but since it’s such a small department, I don’t have any colleagues here at school, or even in the local professional community, who wouldn’t know immediately who I’m talking about.This kind of crap wasn’t covered in either my undergrad or graduate schooling, so I’m completely at a loss as to what my options at this point might be.So here I am.Any suggestions?

Thanks ever so much.I really appreciate all the work that goes into your site.On occasion, it really turns a dull and otherwise awful day into something much better.

Sharon

Dear Sharon,

Aw, thanks — for the kind words, and for reading.

I think you did just enough for the student who came to you.You listened, you suggested solutions, and you referred her to someone who’s in a better position to help her from here on out.It’s nice that the students think of you as a sympathetic resource, and that role comes with a lot of responsibility — but you have a responsibility to your own career as well.

I don’t think you need to change your approach here.Lending an ear, while perhaps also pointing out that that’s his teaching style and they shouldn’t take it so personally, seems like the best strategy, and that’s pretty much what you’re already doing.You might mention to your boss that his tirades put you in an awkward position with the students, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to turn it into a crusade or anything.

Dear Sars,

I’d consider having your baby, I love your writing so much.But I bet you hear that all the time, right?

So, I have a question for the Vine, which isn’t really an “issue” so much as a request for suggestions.I am planning a bachelorette party for a friend of mine (again with the weddings, you ask? Yes indeed), which will take place in August.There are seven of us bridesmaids (I’m not the maid of honor — li’l sis is, but she’s across the country…she will be attending, however) and about six other good lady friends who will be attending.

Now, from what I gather, you have lived in NYC for a long time.My friends and I, including the bride, either grew up in NYC or ended up going to NYU, so we’ve all been here for a while and have sampled a bit of everything the city has to offer.

While attempting to plan this bachelorette party, I’ve noticed that all the things people suggest doing (limo, Culture Club, going dancing, getting strippers to come to a hotel room and whatnot) are just so played out and run of the mill, especially in NY, where you can have anything, any time.In addition, considering our tenure here in the city, stuff like Lucky Cheng’s or La Nouvelle Justine are just…I don’t know…ordinary, I guess.We’ve done — well, almost everything.

Point is this:The bride is a wonderful friend and will LOVE whatever we, as the bridesmaids, choose to do, so that’s not my concern.I would just like to ensure that we don’t fall into full-on cheese mode, with the dumb-ass veil and the “last chance to get a piece of this” T-shirt and the penis-shaped pasta, penis ice-cube molds, penis cookies, and all that pathetic merchandise that should never, God willing, cross through the neon-bedecked threshold of Spencer Gifts to this side of the planet.I’d also like to make the party a little bit new and exciting to everyone in attendance, which is so hard to do with jaded New Yorkers.

So, do you have any ideas?It seems as though you have your finger on the same type of pulse of New York as my friends and I do, and I have a feeling that you could shoot out some great ideas.And we’re not opposed to leaving the city, either, so shoot away — shoot all over the tri-state area, if you so choose!

Please allow me to express my respect and admiration of all that is you again, and I hope to see some of your words of wisdom regarding this issue floating through the Vine.

Very truly yours,
Save Me From The Penis Pasta

Dear Save Me,

I can’t say that anyone’s offered to bear my child before, but…thanks!

Here’s what I’d suggest if I had to plan a bachelorette.First, send out the invites.Specify that it’s a slumber party; dress is casual (and by that you mean “nothing that you wouldn’t wear to go bowling,” i.e. leave the Blahniks at home).Guests should not bring gifts, but rather should invest in I-Zone cameras or Polaroid minis (very cheap) and bottles of champagne.This isn’t a shower, so make it very clear: NO novelty gifts, NO making the bride wear a dork-ass t-shirt that says “fuck me, I’m getting married,” none of that crap.

Next, rent a suite in a local hotel — nothing too fancy, just a living room and a bedroom; guests can bring sleeping bags and stuff if there aren’t enough beds — and have all the ‘maids chip in on the cost.Reserve for a Friday or Saturday if you can (you’ll see why in a sec).Arrange for everyone to meet there in the early afternoon.

Everyone drops their stuff off; then it’s time to head to the Village and try on clothes at Patricia Field (each member of the bridal party must don at least one vinyl or cut-out item; bring the cameras and take pictures), or go to Macy’s and get a Dragon Lady makeover, or storm the local Korean nail place for a group pedicure (make sure nobody wimps out and gets a French — purple and gold are preferred).Pose with boas on.Pose with coochie-cutters on.Pose with the pedicurist.Leave a big tip.Go up Fifth Avenue to the super-rich shopping district and try on big old rubies at Tiffany’s.Model a bag at Chanel.

Next, find a psychic reader or a tarot lady and arrange to have her come and read your palms (or do your astrological charts — whatever) at the hotel room.Beforehand, arrange with room service to bring a nice, light snack buffet of fruit and cheese and pitas and stuff so you all can snack while having your futures told.

After the snacking and soothsaying, bust out the champagne, pile into a limo or head for the subway, and go out to Coney Island.It takes a while to get to Coney Island, so don’t drink too fast.When you get there, ride the Cyclone.Play skeeball.Shoot the frogs and win stuffed animals and go on the Ferris Wheel and see the freak show and walk on the boardwalk and play in the sand and take lots and lots of pictures.Coney Island’s rides and things stay open pretty late in the summer, but check first to make sure you don’t go out there and find them sweeping up.

Anyway, don’t leave until someone wins a goldfish.Go to a diner if you feel like it, then head back to Manhattan and drink champagne and play card games until everyone is exhausted.Order room service again.Pick the lamest movie available and order it to the room.Go up on the roof and watch the sun come up.

That’s what I’d do if I had to plan a bachelorette.It’s kind of a full day, but it’s fun stuff that you don’t necessarily make time for if you live here, and it’s also an agenda that has a little something for everyone, and is a bit “girly” without getting into penis-paraphernalia territory.

Have fun!

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