Dear Sars,

I adore The Vine, and I’ve noticed the recent influx of
reader-response to various questions, so I decided that now was a
great time to get some input.

I have a problem with hair.More precisely, I’m losing hair on my
scalp and getting it on my neck and jaw.I’m female, I’m only 23, and
both of these problems are causing my self-esteem to plummet.I’m
going to see my doctor soon about a possible hormonal imbalance and
ways to help control the hair loss, but I’m completely lost on what to
do about the unwanted hair.I can’t afford laser hair removal, and
depilatory creams cause severe rashes and have even broken the skin
and caused bleeding.I feel like I can’t even hold my head up
completely for fear that people will see the dark hairs against my
very pale skin.

Advice from any and all, please, about either or both problems!I
know I’m not the only woman who has had to deal with this, but I feel
very much alone and ugly right now.

Sincerely,
Why can’t my hair grow in the right place?

Dear Place,

Okay, for starters, go see a GYN and an endocrinologist.Hair loss in women is, sometimes, actually male pattern baldness, stemming from an elevation of testosterone.Nobody really wants to hear that, but it doesn’t mean you were born a boy or anything; it’s seriously a difference of, like, a micron in the blood, and the good news is, going on the pill brings the testosterone back in range and reverse the hair loss in a lot of cases.It’s a pain, and the reasons for it vary, but it’s fixable.

The other good news is that nobody notices, not nearly as much as you think they do.Cut your hair shorter to take some weight off it where it’s thin, experiment with parting it creatively, and try not to worry about it.I know it’s hard to put it out of your mind, but stress does not help.

The hair elsewhere, in conjunction with the loss on your head, sounds to me like PCO — polycystic ovarian syndrome.This is quite common, and totally treatable; a friend of mine had it, and her endocrinologist got her straightened out.

I’m not a doctor; I can’t guarantee that either of these things is your problem.Go to your GYN and have her do a full blood panel, and if she’s not finding anything amiss, ask for a referral to an endocrinologist.In the meantime, buy some scarves and some Sally Hansen bleach and just try to hang in there until your doctors figure out what’s going on — which they will.

Readers, any alternate theories welcome.

Hi Sars,

I’ve got a cat question for you. It’s about my cat peeing outside of the
litter box. KIDDING! No, it’s actually about a cat that isn’t even ours.

A couple of months ago I noticed a six-month-old kitten with no collar
hanging around our house. One night when it was really cold, he came up
actually shivering, so I de-fleaed him and brought him inside. After
several days of phone calls of “No, that’s not my kitten — mine is grey
with white stripes, not grey with brown stripes, but call here,” I found
his owner, and asked him to come get him, since I didn’t have a cat
carrier. The owner picked him up, but the cat was back at our house a
few hours later. He’s been sleeping at our house every night, and since
he’s not ours, I let him out during the day when it warms up a bit. I
assume he goes back to his owner’s house, but he may just be terrorizing
squirrels in our yard.

I would be fine with continuing this way and having the cat as our
overnight guest, but we’ve bought a house and will be moving in a few
weeks. The house is only about five minutes away, but unless the cat has
the best sense of smell ever created, he’s not going to find us there.
I’m concerned about what will happen to him after we move. When I was
searching for his owner, we had him inside for three full days, and his
owner didn’t even notice that he was missing. He told us, “Oh, we just
thought he was under the house — that’s where the cats go when it’s
cold.” Which, dude — I’m not completely against having outdoor cats,
because I had them growing up (my mother is severely allergic), but at
least when it was cold, we put them in the garage with cat beds and a
space heater, and we sure as hell would know if they weren’t around for
three days.

My husband says I should just call the owner and say, “This may be an
odd question, but our family loves the cat, and we were wondering if we
could take him with us when we move.” I think that’s not only rude, but
the most likely to elicit an “Umm…NO” reaction. My dad says we should
just take him. When I pointed out that it wasn’t our cat, he said,
“Obviously they don’t care about him.” Everyone else says, “Wow,
that’s a tough one.” Thaaanks. The only solution I came up with is
asking where they got the cat, since we want to get one just like him,
but that may be too subtle to get the point across.

Can you think of a better way to broach the subject with the owner? Or
should I not even consider asking and just hope that he’s okay after we
leave?

Don’t Want To Be a Catnapper

Dear Nap,

I’d go over to the neighbor’s house and tell him straight out that the cat spends the majority of its time at your house, but that you’re moving, so you wanted to let the neighbor know that in case the cat got confused or tried to follow you — and the neighbor might want to keep the cat inside for a few days just in case, hint hint.

Depending on how the neighbor reacts to that — and he’s probably not going to catch his snap, since he didn’t before, but if he’s friendly about it — you might consider adding, “…Actually, we really like the cat, and since he does spend so much time over here, would you consider letting him come with us?”It sounds like they have more than one cat anyway (and, obviously, like they wouldn’t miss this one all that much).

See how it goes.I would just tell you to pop the cat into the car and not look back, but you could get in trouble for that, so try hinting/asking first and see where that takes you…and if you get the distinct feeling that the cat is going to die of neglect based on that interaction, do what you feel is right.

Dear Sars,

About a year and a half ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. He and I are still friends, and he works with (and is also very close to) my best friend and her boyfriend. My best friend is working long hours, so I offered to set up her boyfriend’s birthday dinner, and invited my ex, among others. Turns out, he’s bringing his new girlfriend, and I really don’t want to meet her. I realize I’m being petty with the not wanting to meet, and I’m capable of being civil, friendly even, to her. It’s not her fault she’s dating my ex.

My biggest problem though, is that I have a six-year-old, who has only ever known the ex as her “dad” (the real one is in Utah). I really, really don’t want the new girlfriend to meet my kid. I feel partly possessive (she’s my kid, I don’t want to share), and partly protective (that’s [ex’s] new girlfriend, wanna meet her?)

Compounding this is the fact that everyone loves this new girl. They all work together, so my best friend and her man always tell me how much I’d like her, and how great she is. I feel threatened by her, and it makes me feel insecure.

I want to leave my daughter at home for the dinner, so I can concentrate on being nice, and giving myself a chance to get to know the new girl, and to like her. My ex and my friends think this is selfish and mean, and that I should bring her, because they like my kid, and want to see her. I’d like to know what you think.

Is it wrong that I would rather not have my daughter meet my ex’s new girlfriend (yet)? Or am I more petty than I realized?

Thanks for your help,
Mongolian barbecue is not worth this headache

Dear Depends On The Mongolian Barbecue, Really,

It really depends on how much time your daughter spends with your ex now that you’ve broken up, I think.Do they see each other regularly still?Does he come over to hang out with her?Because if it’s not a situation where he still spends time with her and continues in that paternal role, I think you’re right to hold off on having her meet the new girl — because it’s confusing for your daughter.I mean, if the ex is still doing dad stuff with her, I’m all for letting her meet the new girlfriend and giving her access to as many caring adults in her life as possible…but there’s a difference between a big happy non-traditional family and a revolving door.One’s good, the other’s not.Consistency is key for kids.So, I think you should make the call on that basis.

I think it’s a bit insensitive of your friends to pressure you into bringing your daughter to this thing when you haven’t met the woman yet and you aren’t comfortable with it.So, if your ex isn’t so much in your daughter’s life anymore, just tell them it’s too confusing for your daughter and she’ll be staying home; if he is still around a lot, tell them you’re looking forward to having her meet the new girlfriend, but you’d like to meet the new girlfriend yourself first without having to negotiate any other interpersonal minefields at the same time.

It’s not selfish and mean; it’s looking out for your daughter in terms of protecting her from mixed messages.And it’s not their call; it’s yours.As long as you can separate your pettiness in re: your ex from the best thing for your kid, I think it’s fine — and if your friends want to think that’s petty, well, let them.You’re not required to do something just because everyone else thinks you should.

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