The Vine: June 29, 2011
I have a problem regarding a friend’s wedding. Friend, whom I’ll call “Barbara,” is getting married in a month and I have to decide if I’m going.
Barbara is a co-worker of mine and decided to get married 600 miles away. She decided to get married out of town because she likes that city, but she doesn’t live there and none of her family does either. I thought I’d be okay with going, because I’ve never been to said city, but now that I have to book flights I realize that I will be paying 250 dollars for a round-trip flight. Add transportation, hotel, a gift, and the dress I’ve yet to buy and I will end up spending 500 dollars to go to a wedding ALONE (because none of my friends can be expected to pay that much just to go with me) where I really won’t know anyone but her annoying family.
Now, Barbara is adamant that I HAVE TO GO, because I’m her REAL friend and other friends have come up with excuses why they can’t go. She has made me feel like I will be her only non-related friend going and I have to say she has succeeded in making me feel guilty. I can’t use work as an excuse as she knows everything about what we do and when. I’m not married and don’t have kids, so there goes that excuse. I care about her, but I don’t want to spend that much and I don’t feel as though I should have to. She may never speak to me again if I don’t go, though. It would make the rest of the school year VERY uncomfortable.
Another thing is that I will have to miss two days of work to go to her wedding. It’s cheaper for them if it’s during the week. I’m desperate! I feel like a bad friend and at the same time I resent the position she has put me in. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.
Really hate weddings now and hope nobody invites me to one ever again!
Dear Really,
If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. Decline the invitation, writing a nice longish note on the back of the reply card saying how sorry you feel that you can’t attend and wishing her great happiness; buy a gift; feel good about it. You may want to speak with Barbara directly instead of mailing the card in, though, so that she doesn’t feel ambushed. “Barbara, I really wish I could make it work, but I just can’t. Have a wonderful day; I’m sorry I won’t be there.” Resist the urge to provide supporting details, or to back down, even if she gets angry or insistent. Just repeat your regrets and end the conversation.
“But she’s still going to hate me!” Maybe; that’s her choice. Explain that you agonized over the decision, but you simply can’t afford it, and you really hope she’ll understand one day. She may not ever get over it, which might indicate why not one other friend of hers is willing to travel to her wedding…because she absolutely should get over it, because it’s also her choice to have an out-of-town wedding, in a city none of her friends calls home, during the week. It’s not as though she and her fiancé couldn’t have foreseen that some of their friends couldn’t afford the trip or a non-Saturday-night plane ticket, couldn’t get off work, et cetera. If it mattered that much to her to have all her friends around her, she probably ought to have thought the scheduling through a bit better, but she didn’t, and the couple’s attempt to save money wound up costing prospective guests more.
It’s sad for her that none of her friends can (or will) come — but it’s a known risk of a Thursday wedding in a different time zone from your everyday life, and the gamble didn’t pay off for her. It’s inappropriate for her to guilt you about attending at all, much less to imply (or from the sounds of it, say outright) that you have to come because everyone else has abandoned her.
Yes, some discomfort could come with your standing your ground here. Eating beans from the can to pay for a dress you’ll wear maybe twice is kind of itchy too. Decide which discomfort you’d rather deal with and proceed from there.
Tags: etiquette friendships workplace
It doesn’t sound as if the problem is whether or not you’re going.
It’s pretty clear to me that you aren’t!
The message I get from reading your description is that you don’t want to go there, don’t want to be there, don’t want to use either the vacation time or the cash to make it happen.
I bet there are a lot of things you could do with $500 and two days off work that you could describe with a lot more joy and enthusiasm!
Other than making that observation, Sars pretty much covered it.
The hard thing to get comfortable with is that you don’t really owe excuses, justifications, and explanations…. but guess what — you don’t!
It is courteous to give a polite response, and offer something up to keep the lines of communication open or keep the conversation going, but a really good friend would understand how much she’s asking and not exert the kind of pressure that sends you into this state.
Good luck!
I completely agree with Sars’ take on the situation, but wanted to add one little comment…
Have you actually asked any of your friends if they’d like to go? Maybe you have and they were also all cringe-y about the cost and timing, but if the city is worth seeing during the non-wedding hours and the friend doesn’t have to buy a wedding gift (because that’s your job), you might be surprised. Someone might be willing to tag along just for the time away and a chance to hang with you for a bit. I have certain friends that I would absolutely consider doing them the “favor” of coming along because it would be a fun time even with the random wedding in the mix.
I’m in the midst of planning a “destination wedding” and I want to say that before we even STARTED the planning we asked all of our friends and attendants if they would mind ponying up the extra cash to go. We made it clear that since we were asking people to fly across the country that first and foremost they were absolutely NOT expected to bring gifts, and that the attendants would be in their own clothes. This is a tad easier for us in that we’re doing the Vegas thing, but everyone we asked said YES immediately and I think it is because we made a point to try to make it as easy for them as possible, that and Vegas is Vegas and people just like to go.
That being said there are people who can’t come for various reasons and I would NEVER consider holding it against them. In fact I was more concerned that they would be annoyed at me for having an inconvenient wedding. Here’s the bottom line. If you are friends, real friends you understand each other enough to be able to say “I know that in a perfect world this would work out, but it isn’t a perfect world and you can’t come” or whatever. Friends understand these things. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t grasp that concept. That’s just me though.
I read “co-worker” and “600 miles away” and was like “Nuh-uh,” and then I read “middle of the week” and was like “OK, clearly she’s not going.” If you have a wedding during the week, in a city that everyone involved has to travel hours to, you should assume that you’re going to get a lot of no responses. It is indeed sad for her that her money-saving tactics and desire to get married in this particular city cost her guests, but them’s the breaks, and that’s not your problem. And not being able to afford something (to say nothing of the inconvenience) is an excellent excuse for not going, so decline and keep it movin’ and try not to allow her to make you feel guilty.
I also have to wonder (without knowing where you live) if things would have evened out financially for Barbara if she had just had the wedding on the weekend (maybe during the day, which is typically cheaper than evening) in your hometown. Traveling 600 miles isn’t free for her either, and presumably she has to travel a few times to deal with planning stuff. If your hometown is New York or another expensive city, then probably not, but the thought occurred to me.
Having a destination wedding and then expecting everyone else to take a vacation with you is absurd.
Damn, people are insensitive. My brother decided to get married on a Wednesday in a state/town where none of us lived (family vacation home in resort area). He chose the Wednesday because he wanted to discourage cousins and other distant relatives, who *do* live in that state, from coming. So, to avoid having a few extra guests he didn’t want, he put all the rest of his close family out. All of us who live in other states had to fly in and stay over a Saturday, days later, to get a decent price on the airfare. It’s been 12 years and I still shake my head.
BUT … that was my brother. Demanding coworker/chum? Uh, no.
I totally agree with Sars here — just because the bride decided to have her wedding out of town doesn’t obligate you to go into debt for her choice. There’s no need to make up an “excuse” here. You can’t afford it, period. “I really wish I could afford the airfare and hotel and other travel expenses, but I just can’t swing it right now. Have a fantastic day!” Send a gift. That’s it.
What I really wonder is why the bride didn’t just arrange to have her honeymoon in the city she enjoys so much, and have the wedding closer to home? I just seems odd, if the location has no sentimental or family connection for her. But whatever.
As another example, I have friends who held their wedding in Italy — they had a couple of their closest family (I think) and that’s it. When they got home, they held a separate reception in their home town. It’s fine to have your wedding wherever you want, but you can’t expect all your guests to take time off, travel, etc. And if she’s crappy to you about it, then she’s not a very good friend.
If it were me, I’d smooth things over by giving her the nicest gift (within my price range) from her registry at the same time that I dropped the “can’t come” bomb.
“Hey girl, I just wanted to drop this off for you now since I’m not going to be able to make it to the ceremony. Let me know if you need any help with your work while you’re gone. I’m sorry I can’t make it after all, but I wish y’all the best!” (Your use of “y’all” may vary, based on where you live.)
@Lis When my little sis got married, they decided to ditch their ever-more-expensive ‘perfect’ wedding plan and get hitched in Vegas instead. They told people their plans, and didn’t really send invitations but more made an announcement of ‘feel free to join us’. They thought maybe 10 people would show up (parents and siblings). They ended up having to plan a party for 40. But I think a location like Las Vegas is an exception. To me, generally, a ‘destination wedding’ is a decision to have really limited attendance.
Are you two even that good friends? Usually an underlying closeness is pretty clear in a letter, and I’m not hearing it. This sounds like she’s a co-worker that you chat to, and that you’re standing out in the “friendship” because you haven’t sent your regrets yet. Do you do stuff together outside of work, one on one and not just “going out with the gang,” on a regular basis? Would you have her in *your* wedding?
I mean, maybe you love her to pieces and felt it wasn’t necessary to state, but it sounds like this is a co-worker you find relatively pleasant to hang with who’s trying to guilt you about a hardship you’d struggle with for a sister. It’s okay not to be as good friends with her as she wants you to be; it’s not your obligation to ensure that co-workers feel properly celebrated during off hours. You don’t need an excuse, because this isn’t something you were required to do in the first place.
Hear, hear. I got married at 11 in the morning on a Saturday, because that’s what worked for us — but if I’d gotten all sniffy about out-of-towners being unable to make a wedding that I’d voluntarily chosen to set at the very start of a weekend, then I would have deserved to lose those friendships. I knew what I was doing. Your friend knew what she was doing.
…More broadly, of course, if I’d gotten my nose out of joint about *anyone* failing to attend my wedding for *any* reason — other than my husband — I’d have a hard time arguing that I deserved to retain any friendships at all. Our friends have lives and priorities beyond our own precious selves.
FWIW, I’m going to a wedding this weekend in Alaska because my sister is in it, and she hates weddings. She loves her friend dearly, and she’s honored to be asked, etc. But she HATES weddings. So when I could tell how miserable she was thinking about it–expensive plane trip, hotel, dress, etc.–I volunteered to come to Alaska so she had someone to do totally non-wedding stuff with. Neither one of us has ever been there, and there are plenty of things to do. The bride was overjoyed that I was coming to hang out with my sister, so she invited me to all the wedding related stuff. And as soon as she’s safely married, we’re turning the next few days into a great adventure. And now my sister doesn’t hate this wedding as much as she did when she first heard about it.
If you don’t want to go to the wedding, don’t go to the wedding. And I wholeheartedly agree that you shouldn’t be bullied (or have to make excuses) into doing something outside your comfort level. But there may very well be someone out there that would be happy to go to the town with you and turn the wedding trip into a bigger, more fun adventure.
I agree with all the other commenters about dropping off the Official Wedding Present at the same time as your refusal to go; if there were others around, that would probably make things easier, too. Maybe a small gift for Babs as well, some pretty necklace or bracelet to wear during the rehearsal dinner? It sounds like this friend is nursing some fairly heavy drama and sugar-coating your unavailability may be the only way to preserve at least the semblance of the relationship.
I do hope you get to attend a nearby, low-key wedding ceremony in the future, though, because when they’re not drama-ridden, they can actually be pretty fun!
I obviously don’t know this person, but one thought I had was: Maybe she isn’t as serious about the “you have to come or I’ll hate you!” vibe as it seems. Three years ago I was invited to a wedding in India, and another in Italy, and both were within two months of my own wedding in my home town of San Francisco. So obviously I couldn’t go to either, but I did manage to make it to the India-wedding couple’s Stateside reception in Chicago.
Anyway, the Italy-wedding couple did pretty much beg all their friends to come, in a “no one wants to come, wah wah!” kind of way that made my then-fiance, now-husband wonder, gee, will they hate us if we can’t go? And of course they didn’t. It wound up being their immediate families, a couple of attendants, and that’s about it. But they had a great time, and we made a big fuss over them and their (gorgeous) photos the next time we saw them. But yeah, it would be silly of her to hold it against you if you can’t afford to go ESPECIALLY since you’re obviously not the only one who can’t make it for some reason. Even if she seems wound up about it now, brides can get wound up before their wedding, but I’m sure it’ll blow over.
Would you be going to this wedding if it were free, you could get a friend to go with you, but you still had to take 2 days off work?
I know it isn’t free, but:
1) You don’t need to buy a dress; you’re clearly not a bridesmaid. I hardly think you don’t have a single dress in your closet, and even if you don’t, I’m sure there’s something for $20 at goodwill that you actually would wear again.
2) You don’t need to buy a gift. Co-worker really wants you to be there, and it’s expensive to travel there. Tell her you’d love to come, but if you do, it’s at the expense of a gift.
3) 600 miles is driving distance. That’s a pain, and it’s probably just as expensive as the flight, but not if you bring a friend. Which brings me to…
4) Bring a friend. INVITE a friend. I’d imagine you have +1 privileges. If it’s a city they’ve never been to before, and you set up some fun plans, the $150 in gas (or $250 for a flight) will probably seem just fine.
Of course, this is all moot if you didn’t answer the first question with a yes, which I frankly doubt you did. You don’t want to take the time off work. That’s a perfectly good reason to not attend the out-of-town wedding of a co-worker. I suspect the real reason you’re soured on the idea of going is that your co-worker has been berating you and also probably making the whole event sound like a real drag!
In my book, “because she’s being annoying and now I don’t want to go” is a perfectly good reason to bow out. You’re a big girl and I’m sure you can explain to an acquaintance that you can’t make it.
A past coworker of mine is getting married on a weekday in the Carribean, and she is giving me pouty face for not coming even though we haven’t seen each other in months and I’m currently supporting my unemployed college student boyfriend on my government salary. What is wrong with people?
My brother got married in Alaska — which was actually not a destination wedding, but where his wife is from. However, it was 2,000 miles from where most of our family lived and from the town where my brother went to college, so only the only people on the groom’s side were immediate family and his best friend from college (who was the best man, and who only had to pay for airfare because my parents and the bride’s parents covered his lodging and tux rental). And really it was pretty understandable — although my mom did get a bit bent out of shape when my aunt and uncle went to Alaska on vacation the following summer. But they’ve been married six years and any grudges are all but forgotten now. Bottom line, even if she’s a bit miffed initially, if Barbara’s a real friend, she’ll eventually see that you had good reasons for not attending.
I agree with Sars and just want to add that even if you can afford to go ten or one hundred times over-you don’t have to. It’s an invitation not marching orders.
You do not need an excuse to turn down an invitation. This won’t keep needy people from asking, but “I’m sorry, I won’t be there” is perfectly polite.
Sad to say, but in some cases I think people invite folks from out-of-state or distant relatives or co-workers expecting a “No” response and a gift.
…or maybe that’s just my ‘friends’.
@Lindsay- I freely admit that having my wedding 700 miles from my hometown allowed me to invite all the people I felt obliged to invite without having to worry that they’d actually show.
I had the kind of opposite problem. My husband and I got hitched in the city we’d been living in for over a decade, but all (and I mean ALL) of our family, both direct and extended, lived out of state. The closest was my dad, who was only one state away, and my mother, sister, and all of my parents relatives were on the other coast.
Here, verbatim, is the conversation I had with my mother when we first picked a date:
Me: Mom, I’m calling to tell you we picked a date!
Mom: Wonderful, honey! When?
Me: March 10. (This was the day we had somewhat randomly selected as our “anniversary”–i.e., we’d started seriously dating around that time.)
Mom: Ohhhh…
Me: What?
Mom: Well, honey, it’s just that the Final Four games will be going on then..
Me: WHAT?
Mom: It’s right in the middle of the playoffs!
Me: This is my WEDDING.
Annnnddd…it went on from there. Long story short, we got married on October 10th. We hadn’t been overly attached to the date and it was a lot easier, weatherwise, for everyone to travel in the fall. And if we’d been really adamant about March 10 of course they would have come. But honestly, weddings come with enough hassle; why go online and compulsively order more?
If getting married in Destination City is what’s most important to Co Worker, than it is. But she can’t expect non-immediate family to drop their lives to fulfill her dream.
I feel for you Really. I’m spending next weekend at a wedding 200 miles north of home. Which may not seem like a long way, but as I don’t drive and am reliant on the rail service the cost has ballooned. Hubby and I seriously considered saying “No” as the whole thing has cost us £200 before we even get to the gift. But then we’d known about this for ages so were able to put aside the cash. Even so, I kinda resent the whole thing. I got married in the town where we live and the only people who had to travel were family. I made a big deal of finding cheap (but nice) hotels and advising people on low cost transport options. I tried to be considerate of anyone who had to travel to see me be wed – I wish others would be too
I had a friend get married in Vancouver, when I was living in Toronto. I had just moved to Toronto, from England, and had tons of bills associated with setting up house, and moving expenses. I was tapped out, and when I told my friend that I wouldn’t be able to come to her wedding, she stopped speaking to me. She utterly dropped me from her life, didn’t say anything about the gift I sent, I was absolutely persona non grata. She just wouldn’t respond to emails or calls, and after a while, I stopped trying.
A lot of the stories above resonated with me – why do people think that the only plans/circumstances that matter are the ones associated with their wedding?
@Lis: Yours is the best “destination wedding” plan I’ve ever heard!
@Lindsay and Barbara: Ha! Miss Manners actually uses the term “people we counted on not to come.” For us, it wasn’t to shake far-flung relatives down for presents, but because we invited their closer-situated counterparts and the gesture seemed important. (In fact, I’d have LOVED for my East Coast people to show up at the cost of a few seats for his much-bigger local contingent, but we knew it couldn’t happen that way.)
There are some people we’ll move mountains to support on their big day and others we wont.
Thats okay.
It really dosent sound like you would expect her to do the same for you, or that you’d even ask her to.
I want to reiterate that an invitation is not marching orders! She may just now be realizing how few people are willing to accomodate her wedding plans. You don’t have to make up for all her other friends who’ve already said no.
My brother got married across the country. We had to travel from Texas to Michigan, so there wasn’t much family there that wasn’t immediate and not many friends that weren’t in the wedding party. They got married in the church they met at and it was sweet but it was states away from both his family and hers. No one, especially the bride and groom, blamed anyone for not coming, though they did imagine a bigger turn out. They ended up having three receptions – one here in Texas, one with her family in Minnesota, and one in Utah where they live. So everyone had a chance to celebrate with them.
I have been to many weddings! and you will never please everyone. It is your day has always been my belief as long as you are realistic that some may not show up your good – I have seen some bride and grooms subsidize their friends, sometimes overtly and sometimes they have no idea
@Jen S 1.0: But October 10th is the World Series! How could you do that to your guests?! :)
I agree with everyone that this woman doesn’t sound so much like a friend, but a chatty, domineering co-worker who has managed to alienate most of her actual friends with her bad manners and presumptuousness. Don’t go–tell her it isn’t in your budget. No need to mention that a new pair of designer shoes or a night out on the town *are* in your budget (if they genuinely are!) Bottom line is you spend your money as you see fit, and this woman is guilt-tripping you about an event you don’t want to attend!
I also had a destination wedding, and from the get-go we knew it would be very small. Immediate family (parents and siblings) were the only ones invited, and we paid for everyone’s lodging and food, so they were only responsible for their travel (and we did pay for the travel of 1/3 of the guests, since we knew even that was a stretch for them). Initally we planned to have one friend each to stand up for us, but my friend found out she was pregnant and couldn’t travel, so it was back to family only.
With so many people moving away from their hometowns, it’s not an easy decision to make on where to hold the wedding, so I have sympathy in that respect. But you cannot hold it against anyone if they do not have the time, interest or funds to accomodate you, and you certainly can’t bully them about it!
Jen S 10…
you got married in the middle of the baseball playoffs to avoid the final four playoffs?
Karen and Dukebdc, look, they’re from Maryland and don’t care about baseball, thank God. I count myself lucky I only had to accomodate one sport!
I get that wedding details are a bigger deal to some than others – I got married on Christmas Eve with six guests, because I couldn’t afford to take off work, and it was the absolutely perfect wedding for me – but the thing is, this is the beginning of a huge, happy Thing for Barbara, not her kidney replacement surgery, that you’re backing out of. It’s a drag for her to realize that her plans aren’t working out, but unless you have a blood kinship you left out of your letter, I think the chances that she will take even one minute out of her actual day to miss you are slim. Not because of your closeness or lack thereof, just because she’s getting married and that’s awesome regardless of whether co-workers show up.
She’s possibly not able to see that herself because she’s in planning mode now, but I bet that will change.If she’s a pain in the ass about your regrets, I’d chalk it up to her already tenuous maintenance of perspective and figure she’ll get distracted by another detail soon.
Your friend wants to have a relatively inexpensive destination wedding. Your friend also wants all her friends to attend. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
Getting annoyed that people can’t take two days off work and spend 500 bucks on top of that is pretty darn nervy. Decline, and you’ll know if she really is your friend or not.
My fiancé and I are getting married in my hometown in South Dakota, which is a pretty pricey plane ride for his family and our friends from the East Coast (where we currently live). We’ve tried to make it clear to everyone that their presence is very wanted, but that we understand the financial commitment (and time commitment-SoDak is not really accessible by many direct flights). We’re throwing a party in Connecticut when we get back, and know that the decision we made about location means we will have a different batch of people at the wedding than we would here.
It is tempting sometimes to say “please won’t you come” because I want the people I love to be there, but so far the Sars in my head has always spoken up in time to save me.