The Vine: June 3, 2004
Hi Sars —
I have a problem and I need advice. Okay, let’s start
from the beginning. There was a Boy who worked with
me…and we hooked up. Months went by and we were
discreet, no one knew. No one needed to know. I did
tell one co-worker and she freaked because apparently
he had been trying to pursue a dating relationship
with her. I never talked to him about that or after
that. I kept everything professional and have an
amiable working relationship with him. We’re not best
friends but we don’t need to be.
Fast forward to
months later when I go out with some buddies for a
night of fun. Two of these people were co-workers.
Obviously drinks were had and guards let down. A
comment was made about Boy by a co-worker who I
believe to be an Outside Work Friend of Boy (OWFB),
and I made a sarcastic remark about Boy’s non-ladies’
man status. OWFB called me out about the fling from
months ago. I attempted to play it off as if I did not
know what he was talking about until I was able to
corner him and interrogate him. Big mistake! OWFB
apparently had no knowledge of the incident but was
pretty pleased with himself because he always had “a
feeling” that something had happened. I made him swear
that he would tell no one. But OWFB is known to have a
big mouth.
It’s been a few days since the incident.
OWFB is on vacation for the week. I am not sure if I
should confront OWFB prior to his return to the
workplace to confirm his silence on the issue. I also
considered talking to Boy and letting him know about
OWFB knowing. Because if it were me I would rather
know that someone else knew. At that moment with the
group of people I was freaked that possibly people
knew. As many dog-ish qualities as Boy displayed with
me and female coworker, he apparently has kept his
promise of keeping quiet.
So Sars, should I talk to
anyone in this situation about this situation or just
situate myself at my desk and hope it all goes away?
Promising to keep it out the workplace
Dear Promising,
I would give Boy a heads-up that OWFB guessed the truth — you tried to deny it, but no dice, and you urged OWFB to keep it to himself but you don’t know if that’s going to work.If Boy wants to throw a spazz about it, there’s not much you can do, but if he’s smart, he’ll realize that it’s in the past and there’s no point in creating drama around in now.
Beyond that, keep it to yourself; leave your female co-worker out of it, and don’t approach OWFB about it again, because…see above re: creating drama.Acting like it’s no big deal often prompts everyone else to do the same, so I’d go that route.
Hey Sars,
I’ve recently started my own website and since I am a fan of your site, I thought I’d ask your opinion on something.I emailed my friends with the link and the response has been great, but one of them suggested having a guestbook on the site so people can let me know what they think.Since you don’t have a guestbook but people can email you, I was wondering if you considered having a guestbook or, like some sites, the ability to comment on the column that has been posted.And if you did consider it, what made you decide against it?
Thanks and just sign me,
I really don’t want to spend my time moderating the boards
Dear I Hear You, Sister,
When I started TN, back when God was still in short pants, Sprynet hosted it — and eventually kicked me off for exceeding the traffic requirement, and that’s without boards.Also, I didn’t have the HTML skills to add stuff like that back in the day; I could barely get italics to work.By the time Glark got fed up with my ugly design and elbowed me out of the way to redo it, I’d never had boards or a guestbook, and it never really occurred to me to add them once it was a more feasible option.
It’s fun to have that community on a site — I think TN forumites would be a great bunch — but it’s also a big time commitment, and I want to keep doing what I do well and not spread myself any thinner than I already have.
A guestbook is less of a time investment, and it sort of lets your users talk to each other, so if it’s not a huge hassle for you to do it, you might consider that option.
Sars:
Your advice is usually right on, so I wanted to run this past you.I have
found myself in a bit of a sticky situation with a friend and (former)
co-worker.It starts like this: I started hanging out with this friend
about 18 months ago at work.We enjoyed going out to lunch together and
felt we had a lot in common generally.I was very up front in an implicit way
that I was not the type of friend who likes to spend hours on the phone and
such, in or out of work, as I had a feeling that this friend might be the
clingy type.This should have been my first clue that things weren’t all
right, but I continued forward with the friendship — I apparently was needy
myself.
In time my friend clearly showed a tendency toward a more dramatic side.She
would get obsessive of what I felt were small issues — let alone big
issues, and it became clear that she had a hard time handling the ups and
downs of…well, of life, in general.This was especially clear because we
worked closely together and as we became closer friends I got a better view
of how she handled issues in and out of work.
About six months into this and sure enough some issues get blown
out of proportion at work and I am dragged into it.I am the type of person
who usually flies below the radar when it comes to office politics, so my
displeasure at this turn of events was abundant.At the time, though, I felt
I had made my bed and I should lie in it, and my friend was in the right on
the issue, just not the way she handled it.I backed her, but made all
efforts to maintain my neutrality on a professional level.
It was about this time I realized what a sticky situation I was in with this
person, and I was so mad at myself.This person is the type of person who
loves small talk of all kinds, good and of course bad, and does not censor
who the comments are made in front of, and if you slight her you are up for
grabs, friend or not.It was not in my best interest at the time to sever
this friendship, even though I had about enough of the (seemingly constant)
negativity. My way of dealing with it was to maintain the friendship
while establishing distance, and to try to inject some positivity.I am not
a saint by any means so I will admit up front that some days the
negative/gossip track was too easy to fall into.
Because of this vicious circle I pulled away even more.It was easy to
distance myself as we did not have a habit of hanging out socially (very
often, that is — but it happened occasionally). THEN she noticed, and I
could sense the daggers were pointed at me (she is the type of person who if
you are not with her, you are against her).BUT because I truly felt it was
in the person’s best interests and because she still valued my opinion, I
convinced her to get another job somewhere which would make her happier
(truthfully she was underpaid and underappreciated at this current situation
— though some of this was of her own doing — because of her personality
and penchant for overreacting, she tended to provide a negative impression to
higher-ups).And surely enough within weeks of being on the market she
found a better job at more pay, excellent benefits and with responsibilities
which were more in line with her work skills, which in all honesty were
stellar. (Lucky, lucky girl — yet STILL the bitching continued.)
So in the end it is a win-win situation, right?I am free and clear
— distance was clearly established, AND when she left we were on good terms
(but not very close).She has moved into a much better situation. Hooray?
Right?Well, here is the thing, this person is truly a nice person (or wants
to be), she has redeeming qualities, but she is also very emotionally
insecure and extremely negative (to the point of not only pointing out her
flaws but mine as well — this part is key).
I am not in a position to deal with this negativity right now as I am really
trying to move forward on my life, and this is hard to do with negativity and
doubt buzzing in your ear.I have learned my lesson (again) about toxic
friends and I promise to be more careful in the future, but now finally my
question.Should I continue to maintain some contact with this friend?
(Intermittent calls, lunch/dinner once a month maybe?)
Realizing I have not used proper “friend break-up etiquette” (i.e. being
direct about what I was unhappy with — because I was scared of the reaction
and consequences socially and at work), it feels wrong to just stop contact
cold turkey now that she has stopped working here. BUT on the other hand the
relief I feel at not having her in my life any longer on a regular basis
(daily) is almost palpable.What do you suggest?What if she confronts me,
how should I respond — I do not really want a confrontation with this
person because I feel it will spiral out of control quickly? (We still have
several mutual friends/acquaintances/contacts/workmates.)
Many thanks for any and all advice,
De Tox
Dear Tox,
You don’t want her negativity in your life.You managed to maneuver her negativity out of her life.Why would you continue to court it?The only reason to continue handling her so carefully was to avoid awkwardness at work, but that issue is a dead one now; keep your distance.
Your mutual friends know her; they know her behavior pattern.If you elect to keep her at arm’s length, they will probably see why, and if they don’t, it’s not really their business.Tell them you haven’t spoken to her lately, decline to elaborate, end of story.
As for the woman herself, you can do the polite-but-vague “too busy” thing to put her off until she stops trying, or you can just not respond to proposed plans –but regardless of the strategy you use, if she confronts you, tell her the truth — she’s too negative, you don’t need it, and best of luck to her.
Nobody really relishes the prospect of kicking someone to the curb in this fashion, but sometimes you have to weigh the long-term benefits, sack up, and do it.If you’ve had enough, don’t sign on for more.
Dear knowledgeable Sars,
I have two quick and (hopefully) easy questions for you. I have just been
promoted to a new position that includes recruiting recent college graduates
for entry level jobs.
Most of the resumes I receive are sent by email, but I also get a couple
resumes per week through regular mail and every once in a while one will
come in by fax. All of the resumes are unsolicited — they are not sent in
reply to an online ad. Is it proper to reply to all applicants by email
(including the ones who have spent money on nice bond paper and actual
stamps)?
What is the correct way to address an applicant when I am not sure of their
gender? Is “Dear [First Name]” too casual? “Dear Mr./Ms” looks very awkward
to me.
New to Recruiting Etiquette
Dear New,
If the applicant supplies an email address, it’s a tacit acknowledgment that contact via email is acceptable, and given that it’s an unsolicited application, I think you can respond via email — as long as the response itself is professional and polite, I don’t think it matters so much which medium it goes out in.
I just ran into the gender-address thing last week, and got around it by addressing it to “Ms. Such-And-So (unless it’s Mr., in which case I apologize for assuming).”I don’t know if you want to get that dizzy with formal letters, though, so if it’s a Kim or a Dana, addressing those to first names is probably the best workaround.
Dear Sars,
I’ve never actually felt the need to write one of these “Please help me” letters before, and now that I do, I decided on your Vine because the advice has always been sound, so I hope you’ll have some good advice for me too.
I have a problem: apparently I mumble in my sleep sometimes. While that’s not a big deal, apparently on a couple of occasions I mumbled “M, you’re the only one for me.” Which isn’t best thing for my girlfriend to hear when her name is not M, especially when M is the name of my ex-girlfriend who I pined over for a couple of years after we broke up.
Now I admit that I once thought M was the love of my life and yes, I was really hung up on our breakup (to the point where I wrote and made a couple of short films about it)…but that part of my life is over now. I’ve long since closed that chapter in my life, and I’ve moved on. I’ve stopped thinking about M and I am able to hold a conversation with her now without any weirdness popping up, nor do I wake up on any morning with any longing for her. And I probably got over M a good half-year or more before I even met my girlfriend.
Aside from a few weird dreams that I had of M drowning, I have no recollection about dreaming of her, so when my girlfriend told me about this problem of mine, I was honestly quite shocked. And I feel horrible too for subjecting her to it.
Now I honestly don’t know what to do. My girlfriend and I both know it’s probably just a dream, and dreams are never literal anyway, but nevertheless this is bothering us in a major way. She can’t help but doubt me every time I express my feelings for her, because she’ll always have that sound bite in her mind of me saying that M’s the only one for me. I can’t control my dreams, it doesn’t matter if my girlfriend never hears it again because it’s already happened…so what now, Sars? I considered seeing a hypnotist to purge it from my subconscious or something, but after watching Stir of Echoes I kinda have a fear of hypnotism now. My girlfriend thinks I should talk things over with M and consider getting back together with her, but I really have no desire to do so because well, I’m over her!
Sorry if this sounds like a trivial matter, but as silly as it sounds, the damage that it’s doing to our relationship is quite real and serious. Help me, Obi-Sars. You’re my only hope.
Thank you in advance,
Scared of sleeping
Dear Scared,
This is only as big a deal as the two of you choose to make it, so obviously I’d advise you both to ignore it and move on.I know it’s disconcerting, but while dreams do have their value in assessing what’s going on under the surface, like the man said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar — or it’s not the cigar you think it is.M’s not really M in these dreams, in other words; she symbolizes something else, a commitment you want to make but can’t in your conscious life, maybe, and possibly not even a romantic one.Or your brain is just throwing off sparks, who knows.
But you really can’t take dreams literally, especially the weird and/or ooky ones, and sleep-talking…whatever.I apparently announced once, quite forcefully, “That is MY PEANUT BUTTER!”Which…yeah.I don’t know either.Just try to think of it as your brain blowing off steam, and don’t get too bogged down in interpreting it negatively.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships workplace
