Dear Sars,

I am a sophomore in high school, and I have a problem.See, my friend “Lisa”‘s mother is dating a man whose son, “John,” goes to our school.John is a freshman.He’s a nice kid, sure, but he really bugs me.I hang out with him sometimes, but he just constantly follows me around, even when I’m with my girlfriends and we want to talk privately.I REALLY don’t like him “like that” AT ALL, but he’s always making really flirty comments and giving me hugs.And this one time, he introduced me to his friend as his “future girlfriend.”I always try to laugh it off with, “Just friends, just friends, he’s kidding.”I don’t want to hurt John’s feelings or piss off Lisa, but I also want John to stop bugging me.What should I do?

Irritated In Ontario

Dear Irritated,

Speak to John about it privately.Tell him nicely that, while you like him well enough, 1) you don’t like him “like that,” you don’t anticipate liking him “like that” in the future, and therefore he needs to knock it off with the come-ons and “future girlfriend” business, and 2) he needs to back off and give you a bit of space, because you don’t mind giving him face time sometimes, but sometimes you want to chill with your girlfriends, and he’s smothering you.Emphasize that you don’t dislike him, but that he’s endangering his friendship with you by getting in your grill all the time.

Let Lisa know what you’ve told John, and hope she sympathizes, but this doesn’t have to do with her, so don’t worry too much about her reaction.

Sarah–

For the past three months, I’ve been sleeping with a married man.I have ranted for years about how shitty it is when women sleep with married men and how anti-feminist it is, and now I suddenly find myself living in a three-story glass house with a big-ass pile of stones.

I’m not sure why I’m sleeping with this man, because he’s not attractive or bright or particularly nice. I’m 28, and he’s 40, on his second marriage.Our conversations consist of compliments about my ass, discussions about his mildly successful career on television (he’s an actor), and scheduling when and where we’re going to meet next. He has no idea that I am smart or funny or that I had a life before I met him.He’ll ask me a question but then interrupt by saying, “Cool, anyway, when can I see you again?”

But the sex is amazing.

The thing is, this whole thing would be a perfect summer fling for me — recently dumped after a seven-year relationship and on my way to graduate school abroad, I’m not looking for a boyfriend at all, but I do miss sex on a regular basis.I’m a relatively attractive woman, but men aren’t lined up across the Manhattan Bridge or anything, and while it’s embarrassing to admit, I really enjoy that someone just wants me for my body instead of my personality.

This man and I have nothing in common, so I’m not worried about falling in love with him or even getting attached.I feel really free.Except for when I feel sick to my stomach knowing that what I’m doing is completely selfish.But I still can’t come up with the reasons or the conviction or the self-control to stop sleeping with him.

Can you help?

Thanks,
Can’t Believe I Thought It Would Be Kind Of Romantic

Dear Thought,

Okay, dig it — sleeping with a married man is not “anti-feminist.”Feminism is about equal rights for men and women, not about who you fuck, and when you or someone else makes it about who you fuck, that’s anti-feminist.

The idea that we girls have to look out for each other in matters of sex and love, because men won’t look out for us of their own volition, is so dated and ridiculous as to border on the offensive.It harkens back to the Victorian era, when the temperance societies insisted that only women could control the dangerous urges of men.It infantilizes men and absolves them of responsibility for their actions, it puts the onus on women as moral guardians while regarding us as pure vessels, and it puts the blame for the infidelity and rapaciousness of men (if and when they exhibit these qualities) on us as well, for not curbing the men, or not respecting the sanctity of another woman’s marriage, or whatever antediluvian Madonna/whore bullshit Reason Of The Week the brain-trust has come up with for making a man’s infidelity our fault and guilting us into not enjoying sex.

Fuck.That.

Cheating on a spouse is wrong, period.But you don’t have the spouse.He does.You didn’t take a vow forsaking all others.He did.Yes, it’s hurtful to another person, but that other person is his responsibility, not yours, and the executive decision to act like a grown-up and stop fucking around is his to make, not yours.

Short form: if you want to stop fucking him, stop.If you don’t, don’t.But for Christ’s sake, put the blame where it belongs.You aren’t a siren, luring him against his will to your bed.You aren’t the whore of Babylon.You aren’t one of Nosferatu’s scantily-clad minions.You’re just a woman enjoying a sexual relationship with a sleazy guy, so leave the guilt over the ruination of his marriage to him, because that’s who the guilt belongs to, period.

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