If PCOS is, in fact, the culprit here, it’s likely that she’ll also be having other symptoms, like steady weight gain, inability to lose the weight once it’s gained, diabetic symptoms, and wacked-out periods.(Can you tell I was recently diagnosed?I’m like a frickin’ new Catholic over here.)

As far as hair-removal/disguise: Bleaching (professional, of course — orange hair isn’t going to hide anything) on the head will cover obvious scalp peeks.

S.O.

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Dear S.,Thanks for the tips.People will often assume that the gleam of scalp is actually a blonde highlight anyway, so I would counsel against weakening the hair further with any color treatment…except henna, which thickens the individual hairs but is a pain to maintain.

I hesitate to offer any other counsel on the PCOS tip unless she’s been diagnosed, but here are some suggestions for bolstering/disguising thinning hair:

prenatal vitamins
organic hair products
scalp massage
Nature’s Plus B-complex with high B6, biotin, and PABA
zig-zag your part
multivitamins with iron
don’t wear ponytails; don’t ever sleep in a ponytail
cut down on blow-drying

And for the facial stowaways:

hair threading
Tend Skin (available at Sephora)
Vaniqa*
Avon’s hair-bleaching system
waxing (use the at-home cold strips)*
tweeze like the wind*

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Hi Sars,

Now that you have opened up the personal hygiene floodgates, I have a
question for you and your readers.

I recently started a new schmancy job at which I am required to wear closed-
toed shoes. The shoes need to be nice-looking, not comfy tennies or
anything. My California-bred tootsies are not too happy about this and are
being, um, vocal about it.

Two weeks after starting the job my new work shoes already stink pretty
badly. I need advice on two things; 1) How to get odor out of already
stankified shoes and 2) How to prevent my shoes from smelling like a swamp
in the first place. Powders? Inserts? Help!

Sincerely,
The Stank That Ate Houston

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Dear Stank,My feet sweat even in a whispery pair of Old Navy flops, so I feel you, and I’ve learned a few tricks for battling the foot funk.

First: Don’t bareback your feet in a pair of closed-toed and -heeled shoes.If you’re not wearing hose, you’ll need those little Pedz/Not Socks things; buy them in bulk (onehanesplace.com probably has them for cheap), wear them every day, and wash them after each wearing as you would regular socks.

Second: Dr. Scholl’s Odor Destroyer foot spray.Spray your feet and the shoes before wearing; spray your feet and the shoes after wearing.Make sure you get between the toes.

Third: Try to wear the shoes as little as possible.If that means doing that thing where you have bulky white socks and sneaks on with your suit during the commute, so be it.

Fourth: Wear leather or natural fibers only.Manmade shoe materials = Sweattron 3000.Also, look for cushioned foot-/toe-beds, especially in heels; this cuts down on friction while you walk, thereby reducing sweatage.You can buy bed cushions at the drugstore (get unscented; the scented ones smell like diaper cream), or buy Aerosoles….I know, I know, but they make some cute styles now, the break-in time is zero, and your blister/stench rate goes way down.Trust me.

If you get caught in the rain: My grandmother used to pack wet shoes with newspaper that she’d shot with a spritz of Tea Rose.DO! NOT! put wet shoes in the oven or on a radiator.It, like, bakes the smell in.

Following this regimen religiously should prevent stankage; for already-skunked shoes, give them a shot of the spray, then bring them to a cobbler and ask him to replace the footbed (not the entire bottom, just that flap that goes from the heel to the ball of the foot).

Twinkle-toed readers, it’s all you.

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Dear Sars,

I think you’re fantastic, and I respect your advice (this is true, not blatant sucking up) so here goes.It’s about a guy, of course.I first met him a few years ago during my time in the Peace Corps.I thought he was adorable and wonderful, and had a mini crush on him, but he had a serious girlfriend so I never really harbored any serious thoughts (plus he is five years younger than me).During our service, this girlfriend (who was also a volunteer, but in a separate part of the country, very far away) cheated on him.He got really upset, ended up sleeping with this other volunteer, which I heard about.So, when I heard that, I had mild thoughts of flirting with him, but still no real intentions, because I genuinely didn’t think he’d be interested.

So what happens next?He flirts heavily with me, we end up sleeping together, having what is still the best sex of my life, numerous times over the course of a couple of weeks.Then, he has to go home, and I stay on.We email each other a lot.We become even closer friends via email.He sends me a great care package.All of this is wonderful.I know that he has since broken up with his girlfriend (whom he had not exactly, officially done at the time we were together).

Six months later, I come home, he and I speak on the phone, we (my group of PC friends, of which he is a part) all meet up to hang out, and he and I hook up, even though he tells me he is dating someone, although not exclusively, but he says that we shouldn’t do it anymore because he doesn’t want to spoil our friendship.I say fine, no problem, but of course it is, because I have been obsessing and fantasizing about our time together since it happened, and he has told me that he thinks of it also, telling me how wonderful it was, and so forth.He says he doesn’t want to date me, yet is obviously still attracted to me.

What happens now?We continue to be, basically, best friends, and I visit him or vice versa every 2-3 months.We end up sleeping together during most of these visits (sometimes initiated by me, sometimes by him) and it feels great.But afterwards, I fall apart, and we always end up having these agonizing phone calls where he basically says that he loves me, and feels incredible comfortable with me, and that we are great in bed together, but for reasons he says he cannot really identify, he ultimately thinks of me as a friend (one of his best friends) and doesn’t want to have a relationship with me.

This has gone on for the last year and a half, and it’s been tearing me apart.He really is my best friend, and I know I am to him as well.We have a wonderful time together, and he is basically perfect (funny, smart, cute, sexy) in that he is everything I want in a guy.I’ve told him I’m in love with him, he’s told me he loves me, but is not IN love with me, which makes me crazy, and totally tears down my self-esteem.I keep thinking that he loves spending time with me, we have a wonderful friendship and great sexual chemistry, what could be missing?It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that he’s not telling me.It basically brings out the crazy in me.

But he has always said one thing and done another.For example, one time he was supposed to come visit me, and a couple of nights before during a phone call he says, “So, are we going to be sleeping in the same bed?”I say sure, he says great.Fine, no problem.Then, a few hours before he will arrive, he sends me an email saying that he wanted me to know that he has been emailing with a girl he met at home during his Christmas vacation, and that she will be coming to stay with him soon, that they aren’t dating, but it looks like it’s heading in that direction, and he just thought I should know.Then, he arrives, we talk about it, I’m upset but put it aside and he still wants to sleep with me (which I do, because I am helpless where he is concerned).

Then, a few weeks later, he tells me he is going to visit a relative for the weekend.I call him repeatedly because I’m really upset about something (totally unrelated) and need someone to talk to.He doesn’t pick up or return my calls for three days.After some prodding, he finally admits that this was the weekend this girl was coming to visit, he was with her, and that’s why he didn’t return my calls.So, he lied to me because he thought I’d be more upset if I knew about it while it was happening, and completely let me down when I needed him.

Well, after repeating this sort of cycle numerous times, where we have a wonderful time together, then I leave, get upset, he feels badly about me being upset and feeling rejected, I have finally (I know, I’m an idiot) really accepted the fact that his decision is not going to change.The final precipitating factor was that he just started dating someone again.Anyway, over the past few weeks, I have finally been making an effort to go out with other guys, and I’m trying to speak to him less frequently (we typically spoke a couple times a week.We live in different cities).I really am making an effort to get over him.

I thought that the actions I’d been taking would be enough.But I still find that I am really angry with him, and feel horrible about being angry with him, because he is my best friend, and because he hasn’t exactly done anything wrong (except say one thing and do another).And I can’t bear to hear anything about this girl, he hasn’t even told me her name.

The last time we spoke, though, I thought maybe it would be okay.But here’s the thing.I am going to be in his city for this big concert with several of my (and his) favorite bands, which I had initially wanted to go to with him (which is when he told me he had been dating someone for a little while, and had been afraid to tell me).Normally when I come visit, I stay with him, but since he’s dating someone and it would be weird, I decided that, since I really want to go to the concert anyway, I would just go with a female friend of mine, stay in a hostel, and it would be fine.

Then, he tells me that he will be at this concert with this new girl, and I immediately plunged back into the depths of jealousy and anger.I told him that I didn’t know if we could be friends, that I didn’t think I could see him at all when I come to his town, and he got upset (sad, not angry or anything) and said that he really wants to see me, and he is scared by me saying that it’s possible that the only way I can get over him is to not have him in my life.But he also said that I have to tell him what I need, because he feels horrible that just by calling me or seeing me, he might be hurting me and keeping me from being happy.

Things have been really hard for me for other reasons, and he has been there for me in so many ways.We are so close.I can’t imagine us not being best friends, but I don’t want to hurt anymore and I really want to stop pining for something that’s never going to happen.I am terrified of losing his friendship.I want to believe that our friendship is important enough that it is worth the pain I feel sometimes when I see him or talk to him (because he still seems so perfect), but what if the only way to get over this is to cut him out of my life?I’m not sure I am able to do that, and I don’t want that to be the only solution.I really don’t know what to do anymore?Should I stop talking to him altogether?Should I see him when I am there?Am I a horrible person for being angry at him?Is this all my fault?Can we have a friendship if I can’t even bear to hear the name of his girlfriend?

I am at the end of my rope, and would love a completely impartial opinion on this.Thanks.

Stuck between friendship and unrequited love

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Dear Break Free,Yes, you should.No, you shouldn’t.No, you aren’t.No, it isn’t.

No, you can’t.

Listen, I’ve said this a hundred times in this space, and I know you don’t want it to apply to you, but it does — a friendship where one person is in love with the other one is not a friendship anymore.Once one of you has gone through that door, that’s it.And I know that sucks, and I know there are friendship elements there that you rely on, but it doesn’t change the facts.You love him; he doesn’t love you back, and either he’s lying to you to protect you from that fact, or he’s sort of just going along with the sleeping together because he’s too weak to make the kind choice.And he’s not in an easy spot either, but he’s not going to change things.So, you’ll have to.

You think you can’t go on without his friendship, but think about what else you’re going on without — self-doubt, tears of rejection, anxiety about who he’s with and where he’ll sleep.Think about not having to deal with any of that anymore.Think about how light you’ll feel not having to carry that torch around.”But –“I know, sweetie.I’ve been there.We all have.He doesn’t love you, not that way.He can’t.He won’t.He’s tried, I bet, but it’s not happening, ever, and you need to accept that, and you need to start moving on.

It’s a big loss, but you can manage; you have to manage.You have to let go now, because it’s not going to get any easier down the road.You aren’t going to be hit by a bolt of lightning and set free.You have to set yourself free, and you have to do it now, today, completely — tell him you love him and you’ll miss him and you’re doing this to save the friendship, and he’s not to contact you for six months.Get rid of all his contact information, put everything he’s ever given you or touched in a box and store it at your parents’ house, tell your friends the plan and enlist them to prevent drunk-dials, point forward, and start walking.Go on dates.Buy a new dress.Look into some counseling.Take boxing lessons.Don’t look back.

It seems like a waste, after all the time and tears you’ve spent, to just leave it in the road; I feel you.But it’s the only way.He’s not going to do it for you, and that’s exactly why he’s not the friend you think he is.Make a decision to avoid unnecessary pain, and start your avoidance regimen with him, ASAP.

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