Oh great goddess of Reason and Humor,

I bow to thee.

Let me begin by stating that I adore your site…I have read EVERY SINGLE piece on Tomato Nation, and look forward to reading more.Unfortunately, I didn’t write merely to eulogise you…I have a problem. My Best Friend (the only human being I ever gave that status to; I didn’t even have a Best Friend in kindergarten) has finally fallen out with me.

We’ve shared everything — we were so unbelievably intimate, it’s hard to understand why the relationship remained platonic. (But that’s another story.) But then she went to college, and I stuck around and got myself a job. We both got busy in our respective lives, but we kept religiously in touch, and every time she came back, it felt like she had never left at all.

Until she got a boyfriend.

I was visiting her for a week a few months ago, and she showed off her boyfriend, showed me around town AND showed me a good time. I was convinced then that things hadn’t changed at all, despite the fact that she hadn’t been emailing or calling for the past few months.

Then, I decided to get married. I got married within six months of meeting him, and therefore things were so rushed that I didn’t really keep up my side of the communication, either. I understand that she may have felt left out, but it’s not as though she had even bothered remembering my existence after she got a BOYFRIEND, and Jesus Christ, I was MARRYING this guy.

Okay, it may seem as though I’ve been digressing, but it all leads to this: after weeks of telling me that she’d fly in to attend the reception, SHE
DIDN’T ATTEND MY WEDDING. And she’s my best friend. (Or was.) Anyway, as forgiving and as naive as I am, I sent her a long email, saying I missed her and that I’d like to tell her about what’s been going on in my life, and hear about hers.

She did reply, but her reply was vague at best. She replied, and I quote:

“You don’t need to withold traditions.Times change and so does best friend status.I can sense your disapproval and I know I deserve it.But I realize that in trying to keep everyone happy someone or the other never is so I stopped trying.

I am truly happy for you and I am glad you dont feel as left out or think your life devoid of meaning.

But I wont apologize for what I am.

Even before *insert husband’s name here* came into your life I was very much on the sidelines.You chose to tell me certain things and I guessed/assumed the rest and vice versa.Maybe you didnt trust your new found happiness with anyone and I guess neither did I.

You should return the favour and not attend my wedding. I will COMPLETELY understand.

I guess when you came here and after you left and even while you were here things happened so fast that we didnt have time to talk them over.I guess once we do that one of these days we will both feel more talkative.

You take care you and I’ll call you soon when I am in town and maybe then I’ll take you up on that offer of coffee.

Love always”

Dear Ex,

Thanks for the compliments.

Your best friend “stopped trying.”She “won’t apologize for what [she is].”In other words, she thinks, because she’s admitted that she’s selfish, that the admission excuses the behavior.

But she blew off your wedding, and when you gave her an opportunity to explain, she came back at you with condescending, saccharine slop.She obviously can’t give you what you need in a friend, and what’s more, she’s told you flat-out that she won’t even try.It isn’t your fault, but it’s the reality — she’s not willing to make an effort, period.

Stay civil, but move on.She already has.

Dear Drink,

Try alternating nights when you buy rounds and nights when you don’t.If y’all go out on Friday and you only want a couple of beers, buy the first round, drink on the second round, and head out.On Saturday night, let others pay for you for two rounds.

It’s one thing when it’s a group that you don’t know well, or see very often, but if it’s people you hang with regularly, it all tends to come out even over time anyway.Just buy rounds every other night, and if someone gives you guff, explain your system, and tell them that if they don’t like you skipping rounds, you can buy your own beers from now on.

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