Hey Sars,

This is for I Don’t Need A Man To Be Happy, But One Would Sure Be Nice.

I know exactly what you’re going through. I’m 21, a senior in college, and I’ve only recently met my first boyfriend, and had my first kiss (even gone on my first date!). Your email could have been mine six months ago (it’s almost spooky how closely it echoes some of my journal entries). It’s not that I’m a horrible person, physically repulsive, or a prude. But I was uncomfortable with the idea of casual behaviour, even just “making out” with random people. I know it’s frustrating, and depressing, and at times makes you start questioning yourself. But if you do take relationships seriously, and the idea of one-night stands or casual relationships doesn’t interest you, it’s definitely worth waiting. Don’t try to force yourself into situations that will make you uncomfortable just to get experience. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with casual behaviour, but you sound so much like me, and I know how hard such actions would hit me.

Like Sars said, it’s going to happen. Just try and relax, and remember you’re not the only one.

My best wishes to you,
Commiserating in California

Sars —

Here’s the situation — I’ve got a decent job, a nice apartment in Chicago, a great husband.We’ve recently gotten married and have been dealing with all the those newlywed things — joint finances, decision-making, et cetera. My husband just finished law school and started his job this week. I’ve always been comfortable financially (I’m not rich, but I’m not in the poorhouse either), and now that my husband will be contributing, things will be even better.We’ve put together a new budget, and I save for retirement, and obviously you’re never going to have all the cash for everything you want. But this month has devolved into this huge cash crunch, for a number of reasons. We’ve been hit with all sorts of extra expenses — his brother got married and we were both in the wedding, and my sister and sister-in-law just had their first children, so there were showers and such. We’ve also argued over having to put off major purchases like a washer/dryer (which we ended up buying anyway) and a couch (we just don’t have the money right now). Our lease is up, and we’re moving to a new apartment closer to his new job, since I can commute into the city via the train, but I’m short for the security deposit.

All of which irritates my husband, because he doesn’t understand where my salary went over the last year. A large part of it went to our wedding, but here’s the real problem with my extra cash — I’m a sucker.

I’m a sucker in particular for my siblings — and I have four. I let them walk all over me when it comes to money. My younger brother is in college, and in the last year I have twice given him $450 for his rent. My little sister is also in college, and I gave her $150 for an underage drinking citation at a football game. I don’t really mind helping my college-age siblings, even though I think they should pay me back eventually. It’s the older two (who are both married and fairly established) with whom I have issues. Especially when it comes to family stuff.My dad’s fiftieth birthday — we all agreed on a joint gift — I spent the $200 — they signed the card. I sent them an email right after I purchased it, and they never sent me their share of the purchase price. But when my older brother bought my mom’s Mother’s Day gift — he called my house every day for a week and sent emails until he got his $50 check in the mail.

Here’s the one that irks me the most. A little over a year ago, we all went out to a nice restaurant for my parents thirtieth wedding anniversary. I ordered a bottle of champagne to toast my parents, and my two older siblings were irritated about it. Why? Because they are cheapskates and often accuse me of being a snob, and as evidence they offer that I do things like order champagne for my parents thirtieth anniversary! I don’t think I’m a snob so much as thoughtful — it’s not like it was Dom Perignon. When it came time to pay the bill, I paid for the entire dinner — for all ten of us. And the bill with tip was around $850. Now, we don’t do things like this every day, but my siblings had all agreed to splurge for this special occasion and split the cost. Here’s what happened — they never even offered to give me any money, and I refuse to ask them for it because they agreed to it beforehand and should have just given me the money shortly after the dinner. I think too much time has passed to bring it up again, but I have to admit, it has festered a little bit and I resent them for it — especially since right now I’m in a monetary pinch. My husband says that’s crap and I should send them a note and say cough up the money.

Obviously I need to stop giving any money to my siblings, but what about these past debts? Should I try to collect? Am I being petty because of a temporary cash flow issue? My siblings aren’t broke — they have both purchased houses in the last year and take at least one vacation a year, usually two. And please — no trite b.s. about money and family not mixing.

Am I Petty Or A Sucker?