So, last weekend, a group of mutual friends had a party – at my ex’s and his roommate’s apartment. We hadn’t seen each other in five or so months, and I wasn’t about to not go because of him. I looked great, went, and had a good time. Kind of.

He spent the whole night talking to me – what he was doing, where he worked, et cetera. I was ill from recent surgery, so I wasn’t up to being loud and getting drunk. We would run in to each other at different parts of the party, start talking, and so on.

By the end of the night/early morning, everyone began “pairing up” with each other and disappearing into bedrooms. I wasn’t sure if two friends of mine was going to share a room, and after a while of waiting and being tired, my ex offered his bed to me – with him in it. It wasn’t a come-on, but a courteous-sounding offer. I figured we’d just sleep in the same bed. No action. I wasn’t in the mood to screw around, but he was.

After a few hours of him “snuggling” up to me and playing with my hair, he just began THE MACK. At first I was just laying there pretending to be asleep, kind of hoping he’d stop, but also ENJOYING the attention. See, I haven’t had any boys knocking at my door since he left, so to be kissed and touched after two years feels marvelous. The action got a bit heavier, but he began not really paying attention to me – it was as if achieving his orgasm was more important than being near me (also note: he is not very bright – and I knew this when we were dating – he has never really understood why it was wrong for him to begin sleeping with my roommate when he was still leading me by the nose and feeling ambivalent about everything). He is not very considerate, I concluded, and a shitty lover. He was pretty gross (began masturbating as we were kissing! Ugh!).

I left the next morning feeling very happy that we were no longer together, and I also felt I had gotten some validation from him that I needed – in some ways I felt renewed to not think of him as much. It truly felt liberating.

And of course the next night the same people from the party meet at a bar (an old friend of everyone’s was in town – we were celebrating). I was (again) feeling amorous, and (again) we ended up in bed. And it was an essential repeat of the previous night. I quickly ESCAPED the next morning.

Now, the BACKLASH.

It seems all my friends and family are now telling me how much he “obviously doesn’t respect me” because of the selfish way he treated me in bed. Although I was initially satisfied with the whole thing and realized I finally did it for the action and not out of love for him, and that I had no constant obligation to deal with his little-boy antics, I am starting to think I SCREWED up.

I guess I always thought my essential revenge on him for treating me so badly when we were together was to be the “one that got away,” because after me, he slept with many girls, and I felt inadequate and embarrassed over the whole thing. I wanted to be that girl he would remember as the one who wouldn’t be vulnerable and weak-willed, although now I am starting to think that I was very wrong, and I made a mistake by this past weekend. He has not called or written me, and I left a message about something I believe I left at his place (but I’m friends with his roommate, it might not sound like a booty call or plea for reconciliation).

What I really, honestly don’t want is to have him back. He wasn’t compatible, kind, respectful, or anything like that. I guess I fell prey to nostalgia as we sat and made each other laugh (I always thought he was a funny guy), and then essentially put myself in an even more vulnerable position. I know I made a mistake, so how can I resolve this without feeling cheap and no longer the one that got away?

Thanks for reading,
The one who got away and then got right back to where she was before

Dear One,