The Vine: June 5, 2002
Hey Sars,
I’ll cut right to the chase — my boyfriend of three years and I have long been planning on getting married. We were shooting for next summer. Come this fall, he says he has decided he wants to hold off on marriage for awhile longer — he feels he is still not ready, he wants to enjoy college life a bit more, he needs to be on his own for a little while longer, et cetera. I have no problem with that, exactly. The problem is…
He says he fears that if we continue on as we are (ready for marriage) and do not get married within the next few years, that we will grow apart (it’s a long-distance college relationship at the moment). He is saying that he is considering breaking up — i.e. throwing the past three great years down the tube — for this reason. I say that’s a pretty big “what if,” and I’m willing to wait it out, and continue dating. He says he still loves me, and that what he’s considering has nothing to do with the relationship itself, which is great. I can’t imagine why he’d even want to consider breaking up, especially when I’m all for giving it a try, working it out, and waiting.
So…what should I do? Try to convince him to wait? I can’t imagine not being together with him next year…our relationship is absolutely wonderful; he is my best friend and the one person who truly “gets” me. If he does indeed choose to break up with me, I don’t know what I’ll do. (I want to think that he’d come back eventually, but I can’t just wait around with no guarantees, you know?)
This is quite the rambling story, but I’d appreciate any advice you can give me…you’ve mentioned that you’ve been in long-distance relationships before, so I thought maybe you’d have a bit of insight.
Thanks very much!
Willing To Wait
Dear Willing,
Why is he even telling you this now?It’s not “in a few years” right now, when he’d make that decision, so why is he messing with your head by dumping it on you in the present?
Ask him that, and get an answer that satisfies you, because it’s one thing for him not to want to get married in the near future; he’s young, so are you, that’s fine.But to warn you that, if you don’t get married within a certain time frame, he’s calling off the whole shooting match?That seems needlessly manipulative to me, and I don’t get what’s behind it.
Call him on it.Find out what’s really going on, because something’s going on, and you need to know what.
Okay, here’s one for you: I met this boy recently. We started dating about two months ago. He asked me out. I said yes. He said he just broke up with his ex of two years a week before he asked me out. I told him that I was afraid of being the rebound. He has assured me again and again that that’s not the case, but recently he’s been distant and I finally got him to confess that he is indeed a bit freaked out. He hasn’t had any time to think about his past relationship, but he doesn’t want anything to change between us.
He likes me. I like him. I feel it could work since there’s so much potential, but now I’m full of anxiety. What advice do you have that could help me ease us through this transition? He’s worth the risk and so am I.
Monk
Dear Monk,
Uh…no, he’s not.
I mean, I’m sure he’s a nice guy who’s kind to animals and the elderly and all that, but that’s beside the point.The point is that he’s had no time to process the end of a long-term relationship, and now he’s going to do it at your expense.The current freak-out is just the beginning.He’s going to keep having attacks of wooziness about things.You’ll have to have A Talk About It.He’ll reassure you, and he’ll mean it, but then it’ll start all over again.
He means well, but that’s not enough.Get out of it now.
Tags: boys (and girls)
