The Vine: June 6, 2001
Hi Sarah,
When I read The Vine (as I love to do and you’ve even printed one of my letters) and I saw the letter from Bitter Bridesmaid, it really struck a note with me.I had a very similar situation about ten years ago.A guy friend of mine got very involved with the most evil woman I have ever met. She and I had been close friends at one time until I found out that she was a using, lying thief.Although I wasn’t real close with her boyfriend, I did feel like he needed warning about this chick with whom he was in love. So, taking the chicken way out, another friend and I composed a list of the evil bitch’s past doings and mailed it to the guy.Naturally, he confronted her with the info.She admitted that some of it was true and of course denied most of it.Within a year, even after knowing all of this stuff about her, he married her!
Well, long story short — after having to bail her out of jail for shoplifting (not the first time she’d done this), paying off a bunch of bills she ran up, and enduring several years of a hellish marriage, he gladly divorced her.My point to all of this is that Bitter Bridesmaid might as well keep her mouth shut, because her “in luv” friend will probably still marry the guy — and live to regret it.B.B. should just stick around to comfort her friend after the sure-to-happen divorce.Love is truly blind.B.B. should just be a loving friend when she’s needed — and she will be needed on down the road.
Thanks,
Lived and Learned
Dear Lived,
That’s an excellent point, and I considered telling Bitter Bridesmaid just to stay out of it — people have to learn some things for themselves.
But I stand by my advice.It’s a fine line that B.B. has to walk, but I think she has to find a way to make sure Paula knows what she’s getting into with Mr. Right.She doesn’t have to suggest that Paula dump him, or not marry him, or run him out of town on a rail; on the contrary, I think proposing anything of the kind would backfire.But she’s the maid of honor.She needs to speak up.
Let me put it another way.In Paula’s place, if I didn’t know these things, I’d want to, and if I found out later that my maid/matron of honor had known and hadn’t told me, I’d feel betrayed.
Hey Sars —
I thought I could solve this on my own, but no.And considering that it’s my friends that are my problem, I wasn’t sure where to go.
For background: I am a senior, on a debate team in college; I have applied to numerous law schools, and still live in the dorms with one of my best friends.I am the nice girl, always wanting to make people happy — and when it comes to my team, they are my family, and I want to keep my family happy.I am highly competitive, though, and love to win.And I am hard to live with: I am always writing — I’m a writing major — and always in the room, my schedule is much different than my roommate’s, and I thought we had a “mine is yours and yours is mine” policy.
In the past three weeks, she and I had a fight and I thought I was going/had to move out.I was highly upset, and at first, I sobbed that she was so horrible.Within a few hours, I quickly admitted guilt in the whole deal, but wondered why she couldn’t see her fault, too.I also went to a debate tournament that weekend, got sick, and did not make it to finals in anything; I went to see several of my teammates compete, though.I was miserable and crying and went off alone a lot.And smoked too damn much.
And here is the problem.Now, I have moved back in, but I have found out a lot of things about her — that she was accusing me of spreading lies and rumors about her all year long, that she thinks I am a massive nerd, headcase, annoying, et cetera.Also, my teammates have accused me of making mean faces during their final round because I was bitter about not finaling myself.Have I talked to them?I can’t talk to my roommate — we have salvaged our friendship, and I don’t want to go through another few weeks of hell.I talked to my best friend on the team, and he says he knows me so well that no matter what I say (I didn’t make mean faces!How fourth grade is that?!), he doesn’t believe me.No one does!But the fact that he does absolutely destroys me — I mean, my best friend.I think our relationship has been forever ruined because I know how he can carry a grudge.I can’t quit the team — I love to debate, and I am already committed to tournaments.
I guess my questions are: do I move out and just say that “I need my space”?And how do I deal with people who now consider me a Judas, no matter what I say?Or do I stay quiet and then slink off to law school?I’m lost, and my heart is breaking.And my boyfriend Heath Ledger won’t return my calls.Can you help?
Thank you,
A Sad Senior
Dear Sad,
Well, you’ve got two situations here: the roommate, and the debate-team friends.Let’s start with the roommate.I don’t understand what’s happening here.How can you “salvage a friendship” with someone who clearly loathes you?She’s a bitch, and you dislike each other; if you can manage it, you should move out.If you stay, you’ll feel your heart rate go up every time she’s in the room, knowing that she trashed you behind your back, waiting for the next blow-up.You can’t get along with everyone you come across in life.Leave.
As far as the debate thing goes…well, maybe you made faces unwittingly and maybe you didn’t, but the others think you did and apparently you can’t change their minds.I must say that, in your teammates’ shoes, the crying and the loner routine would have gotten on my nerves too.The expression that comes to mind is “suck it up.”Either you’re well enough to show up and compete, or you aren’t; if you are, put your head down and deal, and if you aren’t, go home and lie down with a cold cloth on your forehead, but don’t expect sympathy for your plight when you get all fussy.Or when you smoke.I’m not trying to rag on you; I speak from experience here.People don’t tend to think you’re that bad off if you’ve got a butt hanging from your lips…or if you’ve got enough energy to whine.
Anyway, there’s another expression that fits here, and it’s one I remind myself of frequently: “Never complain, never explain.”Move forward.Let them think what they want; they will anyway.Just continue doing your best on debate and try to put some distance between you and this flap.Maybe an apology to the group would help, something along the lines of “I apologize if some of you feel that I wasn’t supportive during the recent tournament, that wasn’t my intent,” blah dee blah.Say you’re sorry and put it behind you.
And in both cases, keep something in mind — senior year is volatile.There comes a point during everyone’s senior year in university when the cracks that started showing in December start to widen.Everyone’s looking ahead to the future, freaking out, trying to deal with impending changes…and everyone’s also itching to get started and getting sick of the same people they’ve had to deal with for four years.It happens to everyone — screaming fights, stupid misunderstandings, the sinking feeling that your friends might actually be assholes — but the good news is that it usually passes by the time finals roll around.
In the short term, get out of that toxic room and do your own thing without the debaters for a while.The dust will settle eventually.
Dear Sarah,
I started university at the beginning of this year and hit it off immediately with a guy I met there; he and I started spending a heap of time together, and I fell for him pretty hard. I was under the impression he felt the same way about me.
However, three days ago he introduced me to his boyfriend. No, he isn’t gay, he is bisexual. As his relationship isn’t monogamous, he doesn’t see why he and I can’t “go out” regardless. I am not interested in this sort of relationship (I don’t share well), but he is having trouble accepting that; he continues to flirt/hit on me despite my rejecting his every move, and he even acts this way in front of his boyfriend, who seems rather distressed about it.
I can’t help feeling hurt/confused/rejected/angry/sad about this situation — but the emotional damage it has done would be a much less intense had he been up front about everything (he had this boyfriend for some time before I found out, and I found out intially by seeing them kiss — ouch!). He really doesn’t understand why I am hurt (clearly he doesn’t care for me on the same level I do/did him).
I am not sure whether to attempt to salvage a friendship (before sex/gender politics entered the equation, we had fun together), or whether to run like hell (or whether to smack him one! Ha ha!). I have to face him Monday and am anticipating a confrontation…what should I do?
Monogamy Grrrl
Dear Grrrl,
I had an answer all set about taking a bit of time to figure out how you felt about blah blah blah.Then I reread your letter, and now I’d like to go with a different strategy — namely, the one where you tell him to get bent.
No, for real.He has no respect for your feelings.He has no respect for his boyfriend’s feelings.He’s selfish, he’s arrogant, he’s untrustworthy, and he’s going to keep doing a number on your head as long as you permit him to.
This isn’t about his bisexuality.This is about his immature belief that he’s God’s gift.Eventually, he’ll probably grow out of it, but don’t wait around for that to happen.Draw a line on the ground and make the little creep stand behind it.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships roommates
