I’m having some issues dealing with my mother lately and I’m looking for another perspective. This is long, so please bear with me.

To give some family background, my parents divorced when I was 10. My mom never liked my dad’s parents, and his refusal/inability to stand up to them for her was one of the big things that contributed to their breakup. After they divorced, my mom lived with her boyfriend on and off for 20 years and they finally got married about three years ago. In 2001, they retired and moved down to Myrtle Beach from New Jersey. About two years ago her husband died. She’s been living alown down there since then. From what she says, it seems like she has made quite a few friends and is very active. But we think she is depressed and should see a doctor about it, but she won’t.

My mom has always had a bit of a loud, argumentative style of communication. She’s a native New Yorker and fits the stereotype fairly well. I learned to tune it out, but I don’t know if she’s becoming more argumentative or it’s just that I don’t see her too often anymore (about 2-3 visits a year) but it’s getting harder to deal with her. She has to comment about everything you say or do, and it’s always in an argumentative way. For example, if we tell her how we’re doing something with the kids, instead of just saying “why do you do it that way?” she’ll say “what about doing it this way?” So it comes off like she’s criticizing you for not doing it that way. I really don’t think she means it to be critical, but that’s how it sounds. And she does this about practically everything. My wife is totally not used to it, so it really bothers her when my mom visits and I’m getting tired of it as well.

She also seems to think she in competition with my dad over who sees us more often and that sort of thing. It’s almost like she counts how many days we spend with him to make sure we spend more with her. And she still seems to have all this bitterness towards him and my grandparents. We went to NY (we live in Denver, so it was a haul with a two-year-old and a six-month-old) over New Year’s to see my grandparents because my grandfather isn’t doing well, and for some stupid reason my mom is still mad about it. She refuses to believe that he is really in that bad shape, and is upset that we went to see them but we still haven’t gone to SC to visit her. The fact that they can’t travel just is completely irrelevant to her, as is the fact that it might have been my grandfather’s only chance to see our daughter (although he’s doing better right now). She still has a lot of bitterness towards them for stuff that happened over 20 years ago and just won’t let it go.

My brother and SIL have four kids and she goes to see them a little more often than us because she still has friends in NJ that she sees as well. They have the same issues dealing with her as my wife and I do. My mom was up there last Thanksgiving and it was a bit too long of a visit. The last night my SIL finally exploded and it turned into a messy argument that ended with my mother crying and saying she’s only trying to help.

She is very helpful when she visits. She does a lot of the “grunt” work and she’ll get up with the babies at night, and she’ll watch them so we can have an overnight out somewhere and so on. But by the end of four or five days (or longer) you just can’t wait for her to leave so you can have some peace again.

So that brings us to the current situation. We are going to NJ at the end of next month for a week — with two days of travel, we’ll be there five full days — Thursday to Monday. Our plan was to see my grandparents one day, get together with a bunch of friends one day and then just hang out with my brother and SIL and their kids the rest of the time. We saw them for a couple of hours when we were in over New Year’s, but we haven’t spent any real time with them in about two years.

So my mom decides she wants to come up. In fairness, she did ask me if I minded, but what the heck am I going to say? So she is going to go up the weekend before, so she and my SIL’s sister can watch the kids and my brother and SIL can go overnight somewhere for their anniversary, which is very nice of her. Then she is going to stay until the Saturday we are there, so she’d be with us Thursday and Friday. So this leaves us hardly any time to spend alone with by brother. (My dad and stepmom decided to horn in on the trip as well, but that’s just for the day we’d see my grandparents anyway so it’s not a big deal, just annoying.)

If she was less abrasive, we’d all be okay with it. But because she is how she is, it makes things a lot harder. So my brother talked to her and said that we wanted to have some time together, so maybe she could visit some of her friends on Friday and then come back for dinner. This did not go over well, to put it mildly. She started crying and said that my dad always gets what he wants, and complained that we’ve never visited her since she’s been in SC and finally hung up on him.

I called her a couple of days later, and she was still pretty upset but said that she’ll leave Friday morning if that’s what we want. She said she doesn’t understand why we can’t spend time with each other if she’s there, and I didn’t know how to explain it without making things worse, so I just let it go and we changed the subject. I talked to my brother that night and we finally decided that he’ll take that Monday off instead of Thursday and tell my mom to stay until Saturday. So he called her last night and they worked it out that she’ll stay until Saturday morning and then my brother will take Monday off.

Then I was IMing with my mom the next day, and she’s still upset that we’re going to see my grandparents. She’s still harboring all this bitterness towards them and I think she’s projecting a lot of her feelings on me. She kept talking about how they did all these things that hurt me, and I have no idea what she’s talking about. There was one thing when I was 13, and I’ve gotten over it in the last 20 years. She’s also convinced that our trip at New Year’s was my grandparents’ idea and they guilted and manipulated me into it, but because they’re so good at it, they made me really think it was our idea. Considering that they didn’t even know we were coming until we showed up at their door, I’m not sure how it could’ve been their idea.

So if you’ve made it this far, how the heck should we deal with her? It’s just so hard to talk to her about things like this because she immediately gets defensive and starts playing the martyr and throwing guilt trips around. I almost think we should see a family counselor when we’re there or something.

Frustrated with a bitter mother

Don’t talk to her about “things like this” — tell her. Tell her you don’t want to hear it about your grandparents anymore; tell her you love her but you want some one-on-one time with other people, too; while you’re about it, tell her that every time she starts in on a generation-old divorce and the “oh well I guess I won’t come since NOBODY LOVES ME” shit, it makes you want to visit her less, not more. And then hang up the damn phone.

I know it’s harsh, I know she’s alone, but y’all give in to the martyr routine and the guilt trips every time, which only teaches her that they work and that she can keep pouting and passive-aggressing and eventually she’ll get her way, because that’s what always happens.

“In fairness, she did ask me if I minded, but what the heck am I going to say?” How about “no”? If you don’t like the way she behaves, start giving it consequences. Yes, she’s going to get all pissy, and but once you’ve made it clear that you won’t put up with the manipulation, you can just…not. You can just hang up, or announce that the discussion is over, or whatever. You don’t have to do it unkindly, but it’s time to start dictating the terms once in a while instead of letting her do it all the time because “it’s easier,” because…it isn’t.

Sars,

I am a 24-year-old who just graduated college. A month from now, I will drive out to Los Angeles to work at a four-month, unpaid internship I got through a program at my school, working for a network situation comedy. I want (I think) to be a television screenwriter, and this is an incredibly good opportunity to make connections and get experience: a good percentage of interns get real jobs out of this program, and the show I’ll be working for has a lot of alumni from my school, so they’ll be looking out for me.

I have been in telephone correspondence with someone who works on the show, working out a schedule and things like that. She is very nice, has gone to effort to make me feel welcome, and to be accommodating. I recently had to phone her to tell her exactly what day I’m going to start, and when I called, I reached her voicemail.

Now, let me say here that I suffer from social phobia disorder and low self-esteem, and have been in therapy for several months. Though that has helped a lot, I am still very, VERY nervous about this situation. I haven’t left home since I moved into the dorm (which lasted a single semester and was absolutely horrible), I haven’t held a real job with regular hours since my last one left me crying every evening, I wanted to have several spec scripts done by this point and was utterly blocked on all of them, and much of the time I just feel like I’m a phony trying to trick himself into believing he can actually write for shit.

Anyway, with that in mind, I was antsy about calling this woman. When I left my message, I just got progressively more upset, to the point that I realized I wasn’t making much sense at all. I tried to just cut my losses, but then, when I left my callback number, I actually FORGOT IT. I completely panicked, which may or may not have come across in my voice.

A few days ago, after hearing nothing from her, I tried calling again, since I had new information relating to my summer schedule. This time, midway through leaving the message, the machine beeped, so I started over. Then it beeped again. The point is, I left another mangled, ridiculous message, and between semi-rational worries that my career in Hollywood is over as a result, I am really just upset about my ability, or lack thereof, to hold it together; I mean, if I can’t even leave a damn voicemail message, how can I live on my own, much less build a career in television?

So, I have two questions here. First, is there anything at all I can do about this woman besides just worry? I mean, I know she doesn’t really give a damn about my leaving crappy messages and she can’t make any decisions about my future anyway, but I still feel like I’ve buried myself too deep, here. Is there any way to make her think I’m not a complete spazz (even if I am undoubtedly coming off as one in this letter)?

Second, what should I do about my feelings in general towards this? The application process for this was very long: I feel guilty about having been judged better than other applicants, and also feel like I’ve been swept up in this current, and it’d be a huge mess to get out, now. I have no positive emotions whatsoever about going to L.A., just dread and anxiety; I feel that everything good in my life is going away, to be replaced with just squalor and drudgery and failure. However, I’d be just a huge loser to stick around anymore after living with my parents all through college; I’d probably end up never doing anything and just working as a waiter forever…and anyway, I’d blow my big opportunity, which I was very lucky to get.

Sorry, this is poorly organized and whiny. I WANT to go on this internship, or at least I want to want to go; I feel like such a fuck-up for not being excited about it and about the move to L.A. I’ve been scaring myself with thoughts like, “If I wreck my car, I won’t have to go,” and while I would never do that, I just feel like such a baby for even thinking such things about a career path I want, or for trying to avoid the unavoidably shitty life of the adult.

Please bear in mind that I’m not nearly as screwed up as this letter implies; therapy has been extremely helpful and I’ve made a lot of progress in most areas. This situation is just so extreme, I’m having a really hard time dealing with it (and a month is not a long time with once-a-week sessions). Any advice you have would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Usually funnier than this, I promise

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Dear Usually,

Okay…do you hear yourself? I don’t mean that rudely. Do you? Because I don’t think you do, or at least you don’t want to, because you think you can’t trust your instincts and you just have to do what you think everyone else thinks you “should.” You don’t want to go to L.A., but you feel like you “have to.” You can’t cope with leaving a voicemail message, or with anything that doing so implies, but you feel like you “have to.”

You don’t. Feeling the way you do is both 1) a normal response to exiting college and staring down the barrel of your adult life and feeling like, “Jesus, now what” and 2) part of the anxiety disorder and the way it affects your reactions, and you don’t need to feel ashamed of either of those things. What you do need to do is listen to them and what they’re trying to tell you, to wit: you are not ready for this. You are freaking out over something really minor, you are talking yourself out of any future success or happiness…and you know you’re doing it, and it’s perpetrating this vicious circle where you’re like, “Why can’t I just calm down, I SUCK,” and you need to just stop, take a deep breath, and decide whether this move is really something you can do at this point in your life.

I don’t want to discourage you, because I think you’ll get to a point where you’re ready to do it and to kick ass, but I don’t think you’re at that point right now, and I think you need to care about yourself enough not to make yourself miserable trying to prove otherwise.

Talk to your therapist about it, but more importantly, talk to yourself about it and listen to your own responses. Do you want to do this now? Do you think you can do this now? And if the answer is “no” both times, don’t you think maybe it’s better to wait, and work on your self-esteem and your coping skills and see where your life ends up taking you, instead of fantasizing about wrecking your car so you don’t have to meet your commitments?

I’m really not trying to be harsh here. I’m trying to get you to focus on your own needs and to deal with them — to start valuing yourself enough to do what you want to do and not what you think you ought to do. And if you want to go to L.A., you should do it and to hell with me, but you need to make that decision for yourself and to feel good about it on that basis. Take it from a woman who bailed on grad school the day it started — your life has a way of putting you where you’re supposed to be. I don’t think your life thinks you’re supposed to go.

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Hello Sars,

I am in my late thirties and I still don’t have this relationship thing figured out yet. I am divorced, have one child and I am a shy person, I guess. I don’t let others in easily. I met the sweetest man in the world through one of my child’s extracurricular functions. It was an every-week thing, so I had plenty of time to talk, get to know him, and keep my feelings a secret until I felt comfortable. I thought it was going so good, the vibes were there, we share interests, he’s trustworthy, et cetera.

So finally (after a year!) I let on that I am interested…just in time to find out he’s gotten hooked up with some girl off the internet. She’s basically moved in on him and brought the kids along too. She has two of her children but neglected to tell him right away about the four others that are God only knows where. She doesn’t work. He tells me all this and then tells me how nice she is and how he gets along with her and stuff.

Well, it was a soul-destroying moment. I told him I hoped she realized how lucky she was, politely said goodbye, went to my car and cried my eyes out. How could I have been so wrong? Why did I wait so long to let him know how I felt? How could he possibly prefer to be in a situation like that? If this woman would lie about the existence of her own kids, she would lie about anything, right?

Sars, I don’t even know what to ask for advice for. I’m old enough to know time heals all hurts but I guess I just need a pat on the back till I can get there.

Signed,

The crush that crushed me

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Dear Crushed,

Instead of advice, let me offer you some positive reinforcement. First of all, yeah, maybe you should have said something sooner, carpe diem blah bliddy blah, but that’s not your style and that’s okay. Second of all, when it came down to it and he’d wound up with someone else, you behaved very classily — more classily than I would have, God knows (although admittedly that’s probably not saying much…heh). You wished him the best, you didn’t slag Internet Lady — good show.

Which brings me to my third point, namely that if Internet Lady is what he wants, well, you’re probably better off, because that whole situation sounds like it’s going to wind up on Dateline or as a Dr. Phil Phamily, and you don’t need to get involved with a guy like that.

None of that really helped, did it? Yeah, I know. I do my best, but I can’t really stop the crush-bomb from sucking, and neither can you. It’ll stop eventually, though, so in the meantime, get a feisty new haircut and keep reminding yourself that you did the best you could with the situation, and it didn’t work out but that isn’t your fault.

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Dear Sars,

As a former linguistics major, I enjoyed your reference to the “language-is-free-like-a-butterfly people” in a recent Vine.

However, my question has to do with wedding etiquette: If one attends a bridal shower and gives the couple a gift at that event, is one also expected to give a separate wedding gift? I’m feeling pretty poor right now since I just bought a house, but I want to do the right thing.

Thank you in advance for your input.

Sincerely,

Poor in Texas

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Dear Poor,

It is my understanding that, if you bring a gift for the couple to the bridal shower — i.e. not a gag gift for the bride, or lingerie, but something from the registry and/or definitely for the two of them — you don’t have to double up and buy another one. But if you bring, like, penis pasta to the bridal shower (which, don’t, please), or a peignoir, or something that’s really just for the bride like a gift certificate for a pedicure, then I think you have to buy a fish fork also.

Wedding etiquette is the readership’s absolute favorite point on which to differ with me, so if that’s incorrect, we’ll hear about it shortly.

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   etiquette   grammar   health and beauty   the fam   workplace