The Vine: March 1, 2002
Dear Sarah,
Of course, the usual compliments about your site apply. We’re both fans.
Our problem is this: A guy friend of ours (Bob) is dating a girl (Sue) we both know is a skank. We were both worried that something bad would happen (though not like this!) when they got together. Recently, one of us (Elaine) found out from Sue’s best friend (Tabitha), that Sue, Tabitha, and Tabitha’s fiance had been involved in some three-way action in August.
The problem? Sue and Bob have been together since June, which means that Sue cheated on Bob with both Tabitha and Tabitha’s fiance, and we’re well aware that Bob is NOT a big fan of cheating. So we have this knowledge, and our dilemma is that we’re not sure what to do with it. One of us (Wendy) is close enough to Bob that she could likely tell him under normal circumstances. However, this is complicated by the fact that she and Bob have had discussions about their mutual attraction post-Bob’s-getting-together-with-Sue. While Wendy is involved with someone and nothing is going to happen with her and Bob, we’re thinking Wendy telling him this would look like sour grapes, in a way.
Frankly, both of us are wishing that we knew nothing about this, and are considering following Wendy’s mother’s advice (“Change your name, move to Brazil, and forget you ever knew this”). So, what can we do that would be the right thing while still minimizing Bob’s overall heartache and pain? Should we:
1) Just tell Bob?
2) Not tell Bob?
3) Send Bob an anonymous email telling him?
4) Attempt to talk to Sue?
5) Do something else that we haven’t thought of?
Thanks,
Howling in Cleveland
Dear Howling,
A wise woman, Wendy’s mother.
It isn’t your business. It seems like your business, because you know what happened, but it isn’t. It isn’t your business, it isn’t your problem, and it isn’t going to do anything but cause trouble and ag for you if you get involved.
If Bob asks you directly, tell the truth. Beyond that, stay out of it.
Dear Sars,
I started a new job just over a month ago, and although the work is exciting and challenging, it’s become clear to me that my boss is a neurotic loony and I’m starting to truly hate her on a personal level. I can generally work around our basic incompatibilities, but I’m finding myself increasingly distracted by personal hateful thoughts, especially in the meetings that she “facilitates.” I’m worried that while my brain is occupied thinking about what a twat she is, I might be missing important details.
Any suggestions for putting those little distractions to rest?
B
Dear B,
I used to work for a guy who, while a friendly and amusing guy I would have liked well enough as a friend, made a horrendous boss and drove me batshit crazy in under a year. During meetings, I used to fantasize about plunging a pencil into his eye, ratcheting it around like a joystick for a minute or two, and then hammering it in with my shoe…and then I’d come to and find the entire staff looking expectantly at me, waiting for an answer to their question on development estimates.
I quit that job because I couldn’t take it anymore, for various reasons, but in the current economy, you might not view that as an option.
Beyond quitting, I don’t really have any suggestions, but when it’s getting really bad, keep a couple of things in mind. 1) You go to work to do work, not to forge rewarding connections with your co-workers. 2) Sucky bosses don’t suck on purpose; they don’t do it specifically to piss you off. Most sucky bosses suck because they don’t know how to manage people effectively, and it’s important not to take that too personally. Put your head down, do your work, and don’t let her neurotic crap get to you unless she’s treating you unfairly or interfering with your ability to produce.
Or you could quit, but there’s a recession on, and you’ll run across crappy bosses in just about every workplace regardless. Try to think of her as something you’ll laugh about later.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships workplace
