The Vine: March 1, 2006
Dear Sars,
I’m a 22-year-old guy who’s fallen in love with a woman 15 years my senior. That is all fine and dandy, but my problem is that she is a born-again Christian and…I’m not. As a matter of fact, I’m an atheist and always have been.
She “gets me” and is the first woman who ever has. She is my first love. It’s inane, but true. She is sweet, gentle, affectionate, caring, intelligent, challenging, honest, humble, hot and I don’t know what else, but — and that is a big but — she is also seriously concerned about my “potentially” going to hell as I’m not a Christian.
I don’t have a problem with religion, of any kind, I respect their beliefs. I just have to admit that sometimes I don’t feel like the believers respect my right not to believe. I’ve noticed that she’s more or less trying to convert me — or at least that’s how it feels to me. For my birthday last year — I’ve known her for about a year — she gave me books by C.S. Lewis, and it wasn’t the Narnia series. She has purchased the entire Left Behind series for me — without consulting me or even asking if I were interested, and she keeps forwarding emails to me with material that I at best find annoying, and at worst, plain stupid and misleading.
The thing is, I know that if I confront her about my reservations, she’ll be extremely upset. (I have from time to time.) She really believes this stuff, which is fine, but she doesn’t seem to be able to accept even the slightest objection I have to some of her opinions. If I do voice an opinion contradicting her point of view, she’ll get all worked up and do her damnest to convince me until I just get too tired from it all and pretty much end up saying “whatever.” (She believes in the Rapture and all what that means.)
I don’t want or need this hassle, but I can’t just compromise myself and my beliefs and go along with her. (Or pretend to anyway.) I love her, more than I have ever loved anyone — which is why I cut her a lot of slack — but I don’t feel she considers my beliefs, or lack of, as valid as I do hers.
As an atheist, I guess it can be difficult to grasp the conviction a true believer has, but I’m just wondering, how much am I supposed to put up with? She seems to be contradicting herself at every turn: for instance, she has an older brother who’s gay, and she’s — seemingly — fine with that, yet, she still believes that homosexuality is wrong and that gay people will go to hell.
I guess it’s the back and forth I can’t deal with. I know she loves me, she has proven that more than once, but I also have the distinct feeling that if I force the issue, she will break up with me. (In fact, I’m pretty sure she will, and that scares me.)
I guess it comes down to this: I don’t feel like she’s respecting my beliefs, and I know she’s not going to change hers. Does this relationship even stand a chance? Because she’s made me compromise so much in the past, I don’t feel like doing that anymore. I feel like she’s not respecting me. What do you think?
Magnus
Dear Mag,
I don’t think she’s respecting you either. In fact, if you can’t have a conversation about this without her getting really upset — and not even a discussion about her beliefs per se, but about the fact that she’s constantly pushing them on you when she knows it irritates you — that indicates to me that she doesn’t really “get you” at all.
Or…she does. She gets that she can keep it up with the inane forwards and the thoughtlessly inappropriate gifts, and you won’t do anything to give it consequences because you’re afraid to lose her. Why, I’m not sure, because frankly she sounds like a brat and a half.
Okay, okay, I’m sure she has many wonderful qualities, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that you are unable to communicate with each other effectively about key issues, or that she’s taking advantage of your feelings for her to kind of emotionally blackmail you into accepting her harassment. And it is harassment. People get fired for pulling that shit at work.
Talk with her again. Tell her what you just told me. If she spazzes out again and won’t hear you, ask yourself whether it’s you she loves, or the idea that she can boss you. Because I’m sure you have many wonderful qualities also, but she’s not looking for a partner. She’s looking for a convert. This is your first love; sometimes things aren’t clear from in the middle of that, but let me tell you, if she’s not going to change? She’s not, and you’ll need to leave.
Hi Sars,
After reading Enough Already’s letter, I immediately emailed several close
friends and accused them of writing in on my behalf…which they didn’t.
Sorry, y’all.
I have to ask — what if you’re in the throes of that situation right now? In
brief, the live-in boyfriend of one of my oldest and closest friends has
made a number of passes at me over the last two years. On many, many
occasions, I both asked him to stop and pointed out how wrong he was to be
doing these things. In spite of this, things escalated from inappropriate
touching (hands around my waist, hand-holding, oddly-lingering hugs) to
conversations (“We should be having sex — no, really!”) to text messages (“I
love you”). The text messages were especially upsetting in light of
everything else that came before it.
I know that I should have told her much, much, much earlier or, possibly,
Tasered him while yelling “BAD TOUCH.” On some level, I’m worried that she
might not believe me, or that I might be misinterpreting things; however,
the text messages seems like physical proof that it isn’t just me.
Oh — and just to throw another wrench into the works, have I mentioned that
he’s emotionally and mentally unstable, to the point that I somewhat fear
for my own, hers, and his safety? I myself am no poster child for mental
health (and, after plenty of therapy, have realized that many of my issues
were the reasons behind my not telling her — and not Tasering him) but the
boy’s a very special sort.
Should I tell her everything? Do I need to talk to him (which I’d really
rather not, what with the crazy and all)? Can I get away with just alluding
to things instead of spelling them out in gritty detail or is that the
weenie friend copout?
Thanks,
Could I hire someone to do this for me?
Dear Have We Met?,
Go buy The Gift of Fear right now and read it. All of it.
Okay: Do not respond to him anymore. He makes you uncomfortable; you asked him to stop and he wouldn’t; responding in any way just puts you “into the fight,” and you don’t want to be there. Ignore him.
Save all the text messages and any other evidence of his inappropriateness. When your friend asks why you never come over anymore (which you obviously shouldn’t) or why you never want to hang out with the boyfriend (which you should make sure not to do, even if it seems “rude”), show her the texts and tell her, “Your boy’s a creep show. What you do is your business; I’m not having any contact with him.”
Gavin DeBecker’s main point in that book is that we don’t trust our instincts enough. If yours are telling you that this guy is unhinged — and I’d have to agree that something’s wrong with him; at best, he’s a titanically awkward cretin — then stay away from him and do not make excuses to anyone, especially not yourself. Take precautions, be alert, but if you don’t want him in your life, your first step is to act like it. Don’t engage. And nothing against your friend, but…she goes out with this guy on purpose. He’s her problem; she will need to deal with him. Let her.
Sars,
I have a delicate problem and I’m hoping you can offer a suggestion. We
employ the world’s greatest babysitter. She’s bright and responsible, my
son ADORES her, and we all think she’s absolutely sensational.
Unfortunately, she wears Uggs with no socks. When she comes to babysit,
bringing arms full of books and art projects, she takes off her boots and
leaves them by the door. The problem, of course, is that her feet stink.
Now, lest you think I’m overly sensitive, I would like you to know that not
only did I grew up with four brothers, but my husband’s odiferous feet could
peel the paint off the walls; in other words, it’s not as though I’ve never
encountered stinky feet before. The stench from my sitter’s feet, however,
fills my entire house and LINGERS for hours afterward. I live in Michigan
and it’s February, and yet I open windows after she leaves! I’ve even
attempted to offer her socks, under the guise of concern for her cold feet,
but she always politely declines.
Is there anything I can do about this? Is there a way I can bring it up?
Insert it into some other conversation and hope she takes the hint? Or is
there anything you can suggest to really effectively deodorize my home after
she leaves? As I said, my family thinks very, very well of her in every
other way, but my eyes literally begin to water when she’s here and I come
home. Please help!
Thank you,
Ugh
Dear Ugh,
She’s your employee. As much as she’s part of the family in her way, you pay her to do certain things in a certain manner, and you have the right to tell her that the smell is not acceptable.
It’s not a fun conversation, but you’ve seen that hints don’t work already, so: tell her what you just told me about how much you all love her and how great a job she does, then adopt a tone of regret and inform her that, when she comes over, she’s to have socks on, or with her to put on at your house; she’s to spray her boots and feet with Dr. Scholl’s Odor Eater spray or something like it, and that she’s to leave the boots outside by the door, because they reek.
It’s a quality-of-life issue. You wouldn’t let her smoke, right? Your house, your rules.
I’ve got a crush-related question that I’m pretty sure you haven’t covered in The Vine so far.
Background info: I’m a 23-year-old engineer. While I’m definitely more on the plush side of the physical continuum, I’ve been rated as cute by non-relatives. I do all right in the dating scene, but I’m not exactly beating women off with a stick. Which is why the following situation confuses me a little.
I act for a creative outlet, mainly kids’ shows, as they tend to have more appreciative audiences. I was cast in a production that also had a 15-year-old actress, we’ll call her Good Kid (GK). I treated her the same as I treated the rest of the cast. Friendly during shows, but we weren’t hanging out afterwards. However, it slowly penetrated my obliviousness that she had an enormous crush on me. By which I mean one of the actresses around my age pointed it out. Luckily, it was near the end of the run, so I just pretended like it wasn’t happening. The show’s run ended, we parted ways, and I haven’t seen her since. That was a year ago.
This February I got cast in another kids’ show, and guess who else got cast? GK, and it seems like the crush hasn’t died off at all. I’ve actually had other actors mention it. Along the lines of, “Hey, have you noticed that [GK] keeps gazing at you?” Now, in addition to the rehearsals, I’m looking at seven straight Saturdays of valiantly pretending like I don’t notice anything.
My question boils down to this: How long do high-school girl crushes on older guys last, and is there anything I can do to hasten the end? I don’t want to embarrass the poor girl, but she keeps getting this big smile on her face if we so much as make eye contact. I’ve never been in a situation quite like this before, and I’m slightly worried that she might try to make a move.
Always thought I was more Don Quixote than Don Juan
Dear Donnie,
They can last a while…but sometimes, at that age, the unattainability is the exact point. She’s probably not entertaining any serious ideas that you’re going to pledge your troth; she’s probably not going to do anything about the crush. She likes you, most likely, because she thinks subconsciously that you’re not interested, not in spite of it.
With that said…she is 15. Protect yourself from the ancillary issues there. Treat her normally, as you have been (unless “normal” for you is really outgoing, in which case you might want to tone it down around her). Try not to do anything she might read as encouraging, and try not to be alone with her at any time. If she does make a move, tell her firmly that you aren’t interested because she’s not of age, and to not put you in that position again; then tell the director immediately so that s/he can decide how to handle it.
But there’s nothing you can really do to speed up its life cycle. It’ll pass in its own time; until then, minimize contact with her.
Dear Sars,
I’ve noticed you using “my own self” and “your own
self” lately. Or maybe it’s not new, but I’m just
noticing it. Anyway, does this mean you’re a Firefly
fan?
“You Can’t Take the Sky” (which
is from the theme song, which is probably redundant
info, since you’ll probably only print this if you
are a Firefly fan, and don’t mind a run-on sentence
and improper parentheses when the writer knows they
are run-on and improper, and in that case you already
know where it’s from)
Dear Sorry,
I’m not a Firefly fan. I saw one episode, thought it was boring and full of itself, hated Nathan Fillion immediately, and never watched it again.
(Please: No emails. If you loved it and got something out of it, that’s great. I’m not you, and that’s why the world’s an interesting place.)
It’s not a locution Whedon has a patent on, in any event; it’s a regionalism, probably originating in the South, and it’s quite handy.
You, however, may have the patent on Vine letters whose signatures are longer than the letters themselves. Heh.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar
