The Vine: March 10, 2006
Hi Sars,
I hope you can help me out with this strange, stupid problem. I graduated high school with my best friends this past May. It was a pretty big deal for all of us to not be together anymore, since we were all going to be going to colleges far away from each other. I have considered these girls my best friends for a while now, and I thought I knew everything about them, and that no little drama thing could break our bonds.
In high school, two of my best friends, “C” and “S” had some problems with this guy, “D.” Don’t ask me why he had two girls fighting over him (and a girlfriend at the same time, along with many other flings and one-night stands)! The thing is, D had always had a crush on S, and of course C always got jealous. C and S always would get into little or big arguments about D. It was getting pretty pathetic. With the end of high school, both of my friends swore that it was over, that they would never see him again unless they ran into him somewhere, and that it was all over.
The thing is, S has told me that she never completely broke things off with D. I also know that he and C have talked on the phone multiple times. And S just revealed to me that they were dating for a month, right at the beginning of college!
This guy is a sleazeball, Sars. I don’t trust him, and I don’t want him to hurt my friends. I know, however, that in all likelihood he will continue to be in my friend’s lives, maybe for the long run. Should I tell them my true feelings about this guy, and tell them that they shouldn’t be wasting their time? Or should I just leave it be and let them make their own mistakes?
Thanks for helping,
Hos over Bros, Chicks over Dicks, et cetera
Dear Try Common Sense Over Drama,
Just stay out of it. Why either of them is still concerning herself with a wannabe player she knew in high school when she’s already graduated is something of a mystery to me, but in that same vein, you don’t really need to concern yourself with him either. He’s gross, and his continued presence in their lives is putting you in an uncomfortable position, so the next time S starts oversharing about this situation, tell her exactly that and that you don’t want to know anymore.
You can tell them whatever you like; it won’t stick. They have to learn he’s not worth it for themselves. Step back, live your life at college, and let the chips fall where they may. I know you don’t want anyone to get hurt, but it’s kind of not up to you at this point.
Six months ago I moved to Los Angeles, where I’ve been
trying to get a job in my chosen field: nonprofits,
specifically foundations.
I quit my job in 2001 and moved to Cleveland, OH to
get an advanced degree in Nonprofit Management. Spring
2003, my final semester, I was in a car accident and
suffered a head injury. I began having episodes that
were alternately diagnosed as seizures, migraines, and
Meniere’s, a degenerative inner ear disorder.
I managed to finish the degree the next semester, but
as my health insurance ran out, I hid in my fiance’s
apartment and stopped sending out resumes.
While I’ve worked the occasional job, my resume now
has a FIVE-year gap.
To try to plug the gap, I invented a job, working with
my husband’s home business as his office manager.
But my resume still doesn’t reflect all the hard work
I did in school, where nearly every class included a
real-life project for a local nonprofit. I
accomplished a lot in the program and I feel as if all
of that is lost to me now.
I’m in a new city where it’s very hard to network, I’m
walking around with this unimpressive resume, and I’ve
made myself into a liar.
While I’m convinced that there’s something that
could be done, I just can’t see what it is.
Any direction you could offer would be greatly
appreciated.
I Don’t Want To Be Head Wound Harriet
Dear Beats “Lying Linda,” Don’t You Think?,
Okay, obviously, I have to advise you to scotch the made-up job posthaste. It’s not even relevant to your field, and on top of that…come on. It’s unethical and kind of pathetic, and if I busted you with that on your c.v., I wouldn’t hire you.
Your next step, which seems kind of obvious to me, is to update your c.v. so that it does reflect your real-world experience from school. Flesh it out; put in some bullet points that show the projects you worked on.
Then, start doing research. Look in the want ads. Look on Monster.com. You had a very big setback, so I think you have to forgive yourself for getting a little lost…but then you have to understand also that a job is not going to find you just because you had a tough time. Prospective employers will get that a major health problem is tough to come back from, and — again, speaking for myself — if someone is qualified to do the job now, I wouldn’t particularly give a shit that she was off the market for five years getting herself together.
I think you lost a lot of confidence as a result of this gap, and that’s understandable, but now, it’s time to dust yourself off and get going. Tune up your c.v. Make sure it’s accurate. Grit your teeth and fake a belief in your abilities even if you don’t feel it every minute. Start lining up interviews. Feeling sorry for yourself isn’t working; try another way.
Dear Sars,
Normally I don’t do this, but I love reading your column and your advice tends to be dead-on so I decided to give it a try.
I’m a college student. I have a small network of friends who I went to high school with who attend the same college as me. We don’t see and talk to each other every day and that’s cool with me; we all need to be a little more independent and meet new people.
The problem I have with two of them, Jake and Tom, is how we do communicate when we have the time. I talk to Tom almost everyday through IMing each other, but Jake doesn’t get online much. Jake does like, however, to talk on the phone. So I’ll expect a phone call from him and an IM from Tom.
The only thing is, Jake tends to go to great lengths to get in touch with Tom that he really won’t go through to talk to me. Tom hates using the phone, he prefers IMing, and Jake knows this. So he calls Tom and most of the time Tom doesn’t pick up, but Jake will still call Tom until he picks up. Jake will call me sometimes (when he hasn’t heard from Tom in a few days) and he will call me even less if I happen to sound busy or something.
The last time I spoke with Jake it was for maybe ten minutes and he had only called to ask for a number. I found out a few weeks later from Tom that he hadn’t call me since because he said I sounded “down” or something. I don’t know where that came from.
It may seem like me and Tom are just big introverts who keep Jake running around trying get in touch with us, but that isn’t the case. Jake likes to call people and all that kind of stuff. A lot of times, though, it seems like he calls so you can entertain him. It’s weird. I’d feel really uncomfortable calling him as much as he calls people because a lot of times I don’t have much to say. I wouldn’t want to waste anybody’s time.
I mean, how should I look at this? Should I tell Jake how I feel? Should I let it go? I don’t know what to do.
Sincerely,
D.
P.S. I’m a guy and this phone tag business is a little emasculating, don’t you think? I wish we could physically hang out with each other but we have conflicting schedules and it’s just hard to do between work and school.
Dear D,
I don’t think I understand why phone tag is “emasculating.” Is it because girls stereotypically talk on the phone a lot? Doing something girls tend to do does not by definition make you less of a man.
I also don’t think I understand what the problem is here in the first place. You seem jealous of the attention Jake pays to Tom, but then, if you’re given the same attention by Jake, you’re uncomfortable because you don’t always have much to say. So…isn’t the fact that Jake calls you less than he calls Tom a positive?
It is what it is: a high-school friendship that isn’t really making the transition to college. It happens. You don’t have to end the friendship, or have a big talk about it; it’s just a difference in communications styles. Or it’s that you’re annoyed that Jake seems to care more about Tom than he does about you — and it’s worth noting, I think, that your attitude of not wanting to “waste anybody’s time” with what you have to say is maybe not the biggest motivation for Jake to call you, if you see what I mean. Generally speaking, it sounds to me like you need to spread your wings in the college breeze a little more and not worry so much about what your friends from home are getting up to.
Short form: Jake is giving you a little more agita than is warranted here. If he doesn’t call you as much, so be it. Call a friend from class instead.
Dear Sars —
Longtime reader, brand-new New Yorker. I moved here a little over two weeks ago. I lucked into a great place in Astoria, I quickly found a job that pays me plenty to live, and I’m already starting to feel at home here blah blah New York-cakes.
But there’s something completely mystifying to me and it sits right across the street from my apartment. It calls itself a “deli.” Yet one evening when my roommate (the one I dragged here from Pittsburgh who’s as new at this as I am) and I decided we wanted turkey sandwiches, we discovered it wasn’t at all a deli in the sense we were used to.
Back home, a deli usually featured cold cuts and fresh bread and things like macaroni salad. But this “deli” seemed to be more like a convenience store — overpriced impulse items, some basic foodstuffs, and lottery tickets. (Yes, I know you LOVE the lottery tickets.)
We hit three “delis” on our street and came up empty in each one. The second was a lot like the first. Mysteriously, the third seemed to specialize in discount luggage and their sole food offering were a couple of lonely cans of Pringles with the ingredient lists in Spanish. Finally we gave up the search for Butterball and called our third roomie, a lifetime New Yorker, who directed us to a little storefront across the street that DID sell sliced turkey but did NOT have the word “deli” in the name.
Sars, I’m confused. Do all New York “delis” eschew the obligatory cold case? If so, where am I supposed to get my macaroni salad fix?
Also, I’m suffering from lack of one-stop shopping. Supermarkets here don’t even sell shampoo! What’s a Target addict to do in the Big Apple?
Sincerely,
Even Without Macaroni Salad, I Don’t Miss Pittsburgh (Go Steelers!)
Dear Pitts,
…Macaroni salad? Girl, don’t go there. I used to work for a food-testing lab, and…for real. Make your own, at home.
The convenience store is called the deli here. “Corner store,” “bodega,” whatever — we call them delis. The presence of deli food is not a prerequisite; the “cold case” only has to have beer and bottled water. It’s a place to get smokes and lottery tickets, basically, and everything else is gravy.
Supermarkets here should sell shampoo; certainly in Astoria, where you have larger groceries than you would in Manhattan, you should be able to find a C Town or a Key Food that has it…but it’s not the greatest selection in the world. So, you could see if Fresh Direct delivers to your apartment, although their “personal care” section is not the greatest either, or take the N to the Target at Atlantic Center. But yeah, if you want a full selection of paper products and drugstore-type notions, you do have to go to a drugstore separately, because most stores here don’t have the real estate to sell everything under the sun.
So, get one of those old-lady collapsible carts, indispensible for errand-running and laundry-hucking, or just start buying every damn thing online and make UPS do the work like I do.
Dear Sars,
I was hoping you could shed some light on what, exactly, would be the least objectionable course here. I will try to keep this short.
“Trish” and I have been friends for years, since high school. Not close friends, but we keep in touch. She and “Brandon” have been together for about the same amount of time, with two small children and one on the way. Also for the same amount of time, I’ve been maintaining that he’s going to leave her — he treated her like shit, his mother treated her like shit, and Trish…well, she’s not the lemon yellow crayon. She “loved” him, called him her fiance though he’d never proposed, and tolerated Brandon’s mother accusing her of passing off someone else’s children as his (when she wasn’t fawning all over them).
When her first child was born, he was allergic to the formula she got from a state program, and she didn’t notice he was throwing up more than just normal spit-up. He didn’t gain weight for a month or so, and so the Department of Human Services was called in. She retained custody, but had to take several parenting classes in order to do so.
So last week, Brandon left her. And then, for reasons unknown to me, DHS took her children. Perhaps as a precautionary measure, perhaps Brandon’s mother instigated it. Either way, without my knowledge or consent, she told the court I’d be a character witness in her defense.
Sars, I have no idea what to do. I feel like if I tell her I can’t possibly do it, and she loses the boys, it’ll be partially my fault. And if I do go in, tell them I haven’t seen the children in over a year and have no worthwhile testimony, and she loses the boys, it’s still somewhat my fault. Obviously, I’m not going to perjure myself.
I haven’t talked to her about what I’m going to do yet, because I don’t know. I’m just looking for a little direction, maybe some advice on what may be the best course of action, and how best to broach it with her. Anything you’ve got is highly appreciated.
Thanks,
I have the right to remain silent
Dear Fifth,
The best course of action, to my mind, is to plan to tell the truth, as you outlined it above — say what you know, admit that you haven’t been that close to the situation that you’d be able to testify with any authority, and whatever happens, happens. And you should tell Trish that this is what you’re going to do. You feel terrible for her, you hope everything works out, but you aren’t going to lie and you hope she’s okay with that, because even if she isn’t, this is what you’re doing.
Because, first of all, she didn’t ask you first, and in her position, when she’s freaking out over the custody arrangement and willing to do anything she has to to get her kids back, maybe I’m not asking either — maybe I don’t want to risk you saying no. So, I can let that go, because it’s presumptuous, but under the circumstances, it’s understandable.
But the other thing is that…maybe her losing the kids is not the biggest disaster in the world…for the kids. Obviously, foster care is not ideal for children, and it’s an ugly situation all around, and as you said, we don’t know what exactly happened to lead to this. But it’s not my impression that DHS usually removes minor children from a home on the word of a bitchy mother-in-law alone, and it’s also not my impression that Trish is the best equipped person in the world to raise children, given that she’s…well, “unobservant” is one way to put it, I suppose.
I’m not trying to bash Trish here; my real point is that you should really try not to blame yourself for the upshot of this hearing. Again, not that DHS shows flawless judgment all the time, but the central problem here is not what you did or did not see, or do or do not say. It’s that Trish is demonstrably overmatched by being an adult, and while we can all hope that the court finds a beneficial solution to that problem for the sake of those kids, if they don’t, it isn’t your fault. Trish may not get that, and may choose not to be friends with you anymore, but: see above.
Tags: friendships kids NYC workplace
