The Vine: March 11, 2009
Dear Sars,
I need help. We live in the suburbs with our two-year-old cats. About six months ago our neighbors acquired two cats who belong to their elderly father (he moved in with them). We have had a pleasant nod-and-smile relationship with the neighbors, we don’t know them well, but they seem like nice people. Unfortunately the father’s cats are not.
I have broken up a couple fights between one of his cats and one of mine (in our yard). They had a cat before these ones moved in, so the new cats are obviously trying to take over some new territory and my cats are resisting.
About three weeks ago my cat ended up at the vet getting seven staples and a round of antibiotics for a laceration in her side. I told the neighbors about it, so that they would know to check over their cat. They offered to pay the vet bill and we said no, these things happen.
I broke up another fight at the beginning of this week and at the end of the week found another cut that abscessed. So now she has eleven stitches, a drainage tube, antibiotics and pain killers. This time theneighbors brought over a check. We said we would split this one with them and they insisted on paying the whole thing. Then they told me that they have an appointment to get the cats declawed.I’ve always thought that declawing cats was pretty cruel and unusual, on the other hand the $350 vet bills are a bit much. I’m also not sure declawing the cats will stop them from fighting.
I don’t think I should ask them not to declaw their cats, it’s none of my business, even though I think it’s mean.Or should I say something? I’m also thinking I should stop telling them about the cat fights, but I want them to know to make sure their cats are okay. We are going to put some serious effort in to keeping our cats inside. I don’t think we can keep them in all the time, but we can try.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Can’t all the kitties just get along?
Dear Apparently Not,
Well…apparently not.You’ll have to keep your cats inside from now on, or continue to rack up injuries and vet bills.
If you do talk to your neighbors about anything, broach the possibility of everyone keeping their cats inside.It’s going to save everyone money and aggravation, not least the fighty felines, and on the plus side, your neighbors do seem amenable to doing something, even if it doesn’t make much intuitive sense (I don’t recommend declawing any cat, much less one you’re going to keep letting outside, but that’s another discussion).
So, ask the neighbors if they could keep their cats in — or maybe you could work out an alternating schedule where your cats get to go out Mondays and Wednesdays, theirs Tuesdays and Thursdays, and so on and so forth.
But if that doesn’t go over, or if you try it and it doesn’t work out, you’ll have to face the reality: your cats are getting their asses handed to them, and if you want that to stop, you’ll have to keep them inside.It’s annoying, but y’all’s cats don’t get along and that’s that.
Hi Sars,
I know you often like to tell it like it is and I really want to encourage that in your response (and that from your readers). I am in an MFA program, which I do not exactly love, but I am here and trying to make it work. I think it would work so much better if I wasn’t so shy.
It just kills me to say anything. Of course, when I do start talking, then I can’t stop…it’s like all of those things I wanted to say before just blurt all out…and then I feel like I just spoke too much. Aaargh! I am not a stupid girl. I just think I have no idea what is appropriate classroom behavior?
Talking in circles
Dear Circ,
Your perception of how your talking comes off is probably much worse than the reality, but you can probably use a few tricks to help yourself calm down and feel a little more in charge of your classroom remarks.
The first thing to try is to rehearse some comments before class, just in your apartment or in the car, whenever.Think of points you might like to make about the reading (or someone else’s piece, whatever), and say them out loud a few times — don’t go over it so many times that it sounds canned (although, really, that’s okay too), but review it aloud so you can identify spots where you feel like you start to ramble, and practice getting back to the point.
In class, follow the discussion and make a very brief list of one-word prompts that will remind you of points you want to cover; then, when you jump in, keep half an eye on the list, make sure you’ve gotten to everything you wanted to say, and when you’re done, wind it up (doing that is something you can practice, and will get better at with time).A lot of people can’t tolerate a silence in a conversation, negotiation, or class discussion; it can take time to get used to it, to not feel obligated to keep blabbering until someone finally, mercifully interrupts.(Not that I speak from experience or anything.)(Except I totally do.)Don’t be afraid to say what you need to say only.
And if you forget some things, or stumble over your words, or prattle sometimes, well, welcome to the human race.Don’t be too hard on yourself; it’s class.You don’t have to deliver Lincolnian oratory every time out — you have to get on the credit radar for having done the assignments.It doesn’t sound like the issue is affecting your ability to do your work, so give yourself a break and try the little devices I’ve suggested.You may never enjoy talking in class, but you can acclimate yourself to it.
Hi Sars,
I think I have a problem with a Nice Guy.And it’s making me feel horrible and guilty and possibly just stupid.
About me — I’m something of a disaster when it comes to dating.Perfectly fine in other social situations, but call something a “date” and I’m a mess.Even though I would love to find the right person, I’ve been single forever because I find dating so awkward and stressful that I avoid it most of the time, and when I don’t, I usually end up turning into Jerry Seinfeld in the “Man Hands” episode, and I hate myself for it.I know I’m not perfect and I don’t expect others to be, but I just get to the point where I would rather be with friends, or home alone, or at the dentist’s having a root canal. On the rare occasions when I’ve been able to get relationships started, I have no trouble looking past that stuff, but I fixate on it in the beginning.
About the current situation — met Nice Guy a few weeks ago through a friend.Was more or less indifferent(he’s cute and tall, but a little too skinny, etc.) until said friend told me just how nice this guy was, which then piqued my interest.Which made me crazy happy because while I profess to be looking for a Nice Guy, I am not necessarily drawn to dudes because of that.Sort that typical immature girl-who-likes-somewhat-jerky-guys problem, right?Except I’m 31 and would like to get married and stay that way so I know I have to get past it.So this was something of a personal growth moment for me.
Went out with Nice Guy exactly one week ago.Had a great time, did some light making out, even let him stay at my place because we’d had some wine and I didn’t want him driving home.Normally, I get freaked out about my personal space when a guy sleeps over early into dating (even when there’s no sex involved), but I was surprisingly fine about having him there.
We talked on the phone a couple of times over the next few days, then I saw him again.Mutual friend and I met up with Nice Guy and other friends for drinks and such.This time, I felt kind of on the fence about him, mildly irritated by the typical Man Hands-like stuff that doesn’t matter, but told myself to shut up and forget about it and get to know this perfectly Nice Guy.See?More personal growth!
Anyway, I end up feeling sort of pressured into letting him stay the night with me again.Not by him (of course not, he’s way too nice!), but our friends dropped us off together and I felt like I’d be making things awkward if I didn’t just go with it.(Plus, I’m trying not to be the freak that I am about dating and not have a coronary because the guy stays over.)
So we go upstairs, start with the making out again, which is fine.No huge fireworks, but it’s fine.And while trying to get a little more into the spirit of things, I make a reach down his pants, between jeans and boxers.
There’s no way to put this delicately — Nice Guy is, um, tiny.Really, really tiny.WAY outside the normal range tiny.Like, I’m looking up “micropenis” on Wikipedia tiny.And I’m not proud to admit it, but this really bothers me. The few guys I’ve had sex with were all normal-sized and I know how much I like that feeling, so I instantly started worrying about the idea of a relationship without it.
Anyway, I tried not to visibly react, we kept making out for a little while, went to sleep, he left early in the morning to get to work, and now we’re supposed to go to dinner in a few days.And meanwhile, I’m…still bothered.And feeling REALLY guilty about it.
Am I a horrible, superficial person?Is this a deal-breaker?Do I keep getting to know him and try to get over it?I’m looking for a real relationship here and constantly sad over how hard it is to find one — do I even have the right to let this be a factor?If I do stop seeing him, can I (and should I) keep him from knowing why?Have you or any of your readers ever dealt with this issue?
Please help,
I Know This Letter Is Way Long, But Something Had To Be
Dear Long,
The larger issue, from my perspective, is that you say you want a real relationship, but you haven’t acted real in this situation at all — you let the guy come up and make out even though you didn’t want to; you forced yourself to let him into your personal space even though it’s against your nature; you assume that, because you aren’t really into the guy and you aren’t really psyched about his…more-portable-than-usual equipment, shall we say, that the problem is you.
And hey, maybe you do have problems, but the biggest one is trusting yourself and your instincts and not cramming yourself into a role that doesn’t fit you.You gave the guy a chance; he’s not setting your world on fire; next.End of story.You don’t have to disclose why, you don’t have to flagellate yourself for “never” liking nice guys, you don’t have to keep going out with him so you can tell yourself that at least you tried, because you can try all you want, but you aren’t into it, so it’s not going to work out.
The abridged penis isn’t the point.The point is that you’re asking me whether you’re right to like and dislike certain guys, or right to be attracted to them or not, and it’s not a matter of “right.”It just is.You don’t like guys with small penises; you’d rather not have them up in your shit on the first date.That’s called “a preference,” and you need to get honest with yourself about your preferences — I mean, do you want to get married, period, who cares to whom?Or do you want to get married, to someone who knows who you are, to someone you know and love who gave you your space from the jump?
For the record: tell him you really like him, but it’s not working for you.Don’t specify; just end the conversation quickly with a “take care,” and move on.But, again: ain’t about the peen.You’re just telling yourself it is so you can find a reason to beat yourself up for not going along, and it’s just not necessary.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette workplace
Sars is absolutely spot-on in her advice to Circ, but I just wanted to add one thing about the teeny peeny. There is definitely some truth to the saying that some men are growers and others are showers. And for the ‘growers,’ there can be a difference of like 6 inches between flaccid and erect. So if Circ was getting grabby before Nice Guy had risen to the occasion, she could be mistaken about how small he really is. (Just sticking up for all the poor maligned ‘growers’ out there!)
Crap, I meant that for Long, not Circ.
About the declawing–in addition to being cruel and possibly dangerous to the neighbor’s cats (if they’re still going outside unable to climb to escape from dangers), I’m not sure it will solve the problem, as I’ve heard that declawed cats will turn to biting… and cats can bite HARD. So probably indoor-ifying your cats or working out a timeshare is a better solution. (I’m pretty militant about keeping cats indoors, but that’s a soapbox for another day.)
Yeah, I don’t think it’s really about the penis size for Long either. I mean, re-read your letter, Long: You say you were “more or less indifferent”, “kind of on the fence”, “mildly irritated”, “feeling sort of pressured”, he’s “a little too skinny”, and there were “no huge fireworks”. Big penis or not, why bother with this guy if you’re not into him? There’s more where he came from.
@Long: If you really dug the guy — if you were enthusiastic and attracted to him and this were really your only reason, I would tell you to at least rethink. Not because it would NECESSARILY turn out to be something you could live with, and definitely not because you’re shallow. Just because I would. People you’re really enthused about are in short supply. (So to speak. I did not do that on purpose, I swear.)
But as Sars points out, it’s not. It’s like you think because someone is nice, you’re obligated to fall in love with them, or else it means you can’t fall in love with anyone nice. It’s good to have the capacity to fall in love with nice people, but being nice isn’t a sufficient reason. This is WAY simpler than you’re making it. You’re not into him; you haven’t been from the beginning. There is no chance you’ll make a go of it with this little authentic interest, and all you’re going to do by dragging out the situation is make him think you like him more than you do and make it harder for him. Walk away without guilt; Sarah is completely correct, I think.
Second to everything Sars says to Long (and to the first comment about “growers” v. “showers” — maybe Long has walked into another episode of Seinfeld (“I was in the pool!”)), but one observation: Seems like Long is turning her dealings with Nice Guy into some sort of referendum on whether she has matured enough to date a Nice Guy and is ready to get married. And Long, I have totally been there and done that (and even gotten engaged — to PROVE how into MY “nice guy” I was, and to prove how ready I was to get married). And my advice is not to go down that road. Sacrificing your desires to your need to show “personal growth” in this area now that you’re 30 is dumb — and again, I have done it myself! I sympathize utterly! But here’s the rub: You were “meh” about him until you heard he was nice. You’ve had two dates, two phone conversations, some light necking, and you’ve handled his schlong. So… do you like him? I mean, LIKE him like him? Are you doodling his name in your trapper keeper? Do you wonder what he’s doing right now? Does he make you laugh? These phone conversations: did they last all night, until your cell batteries died, until your ear was hurting from holding the phone against it because you two were utterly fascinated with each other? Because I don’t sense much of that. I think you’re still “meh” about him. “No huge fireworks” the second time you make out? Come on, don’t you WANT fireworks? Don’t analyze, don’t second-guess, don’t get out a measuring tape. DTMFA.
First, totally agree with Anonymous. Long didn’t even SEE the penis-judging it by touch alone could be wrong. And, definitely if things were just getting started and he wasn’t erect yet, she might be pleasantly surprised if things do go that far. (Note: If he is THAT small, even erect, and that is a deal breaker for you, fine, it doesn’t make you a bad person. But why not get 100% sure before you take a pass?)
Rare for me to disagree with Sars, but if I were Long I wouldn’t be so quick to dump the guy. I think Sars has a point re: trusting your instincts, and not talking yourself into something you aren’t into out of guilt or pity. However, Long states she had a great time the first date, the second date she wasn’t as into the guy, but it doesn’t sound like there were any deal breakers besides the penis issue. I think she should go at least one more date and see what happens, maybe even take the foreplay further to settle the size question one way or another.
If she’s not into him for whatever reason, I agree she should dump him, but to me Long’s whole letter reads as “finding reasons to sabotage a potential relationship before it can start because its scary” not “not trusting your instincts when the relationship is obviously a non-starter.” So, I say have a 3rd date before she makes up her mind.
I’d certainly rather give up and keep my cats indoors than pay another hefty vet bill and watch my cat suffer from an abscess, even if the fight was not my fault.
Then again, I’ve never had cats who weren’t 100% indoors and am pretty bewildered by the concept of cats who are allowed out in the first place (I can’t imagine letting my cat out to possible fights, kidnapping, getting lost, run over, wild animal predation, etc. when I don’t have to… really for exactly this kind of reason), so take that for what it’s worth.
To Long, I’d say that if Sars is mistaken and you think the penis really is the entire issue (I have OCD so I could kinda see where all of your nerves, edginess, minor annoyance, etc. might be coming from a place of “I always get so annoyed over minor stuff, how will I ever get married… oh crap, I thought about what I shouldn’t be thinking about so I’m doing it right now! Now his minorly annoying traits are all I can think about!” Sort of a nervous tic) then you could at least try sex, if you are attracted to him and otherwise ready to take that step, of course. Could be you’ll find it’s not that big a deal, or that it is; either way, you’ll know. It’s just that if every single date/relationship you get into begins this way, then maybe it really is a “startup issue” that you will get over.
It does sound like you’re not really that into the guy in the first place, in which case there is absolutely no reason to keep enduring the discomfort and lack of spark just because he’s “nice”; I’m just offering this alternate perspective on the off chance that isn’t true.
I get the distinct sense that Long is looking for a formal deal-breaker because “I’m just not feeling it” doesn’t feel like enough of a reason for her. Not that penis…type isn’t a valid preference to have or whatever; there was just so much other shit out in front of that before she even got to the penis, and said shit consisted almost entirely of “I’m meh on him, but I think I’m wrong to be that way.”
I understand VERY well the whole “I need to not be so neurotic or I’ll die alone” thing, but 1) I’m neurotic, it is what it is; 2) everyone dies “alone,” technically, so don’t fixate on that part; and 3) you can get married to a guy you’re not that into while pretending to be something you aren’t, or you can be who you are and find someone whose lid fits your pot. There was nothing in this letter about talking to him for hours, or daydreaming about him at work, or looking forward to seeing him; it was all about performing for the sake of her friends, living up to a standard that doesn’t exist.
I’m all for giving things a chance but this was over before it started, and with good reason. There WAS one deal-breaker besides the penis: this is not The Guy.
Long: I married a “nice guy” almost nine years ago. When we started “exploring” each other before we got married, I was a tad disappointed in the equipment. But as others have said, he wasn’t fully erect and on further review…yowsa. He’s no Ron Jeremy, but he’s more than enough for me. And now that I’ve over-shared, I’m stopping.
With regards to Long, I’m firmly in Sars’ camp. When my husband and I met, it was the whole daydreams and talk-for-hours business. Eventually (because he is a nerd–I am too), he sent me an email, attempting to ascertain whether I was actually into him or just toying with him. This email was not easy to read, not because of the content, but because of the quantity of spelling/grammatical errors he made. I had to sit down and ask myself, can I date a dude who can’t toss together a couple of cogent paragraphs? Clearly, the answer was yes, and it was yes because I felt so strongly that he was worth a chance that I was willing to give up subject-verb agreement. When you find the right guy, those man-hands issues, be it the peen (and there really are such people as “growers”) or the fact that the guy has problems with writing or whatever, you will say to yourself, “It doesn’t matter. It’s worth a try anyway.”
@Sars: “… someone whose lid fits your pot” is about the most adorable way of phrasing that that I’ve ever heard! Where has that been all my life?!
This is from a longtime catlady (39+ years and counting…). Keep your own kitties indoors and encourage your neighbors to do the same. Even without fights, none of you really want to scrape up the housecat that gets hit by a car. And on declawing, I have only one declawed cat, formerly my late Dad’s, and I argued strongly against the procedure but he did it anyway. Demon Duzy now lives with my three fully-armed Barn Cats, and teeth are his weapon of choice. Usually against me, not the other cats. A bite infection, in my experience, is a lot worse than a scratch or claw-puncture infection; I’m talking antibiotics & tetanus shots & lengthy medical treatment versus washing & a dab of ointment & a bandage. Your mileage may vary, but PLEASE protect your cats by keeping them in.
BTW, an airlock-type of entryway with 2 sets of doors that can be opened/closed in sequence is a great help to preventing escapes. Maybe you and your neighbors could work together on plans and materials if some light remodeling on your homes is needed.
I don’t remember where I first heard “every pot has its lid,” but it’s a good one, I agree.
I agree that Circ is probably way over estimating how her behavior appears to others. I’m a TA (not a USian, so please forgive the attempt to translate my job title, it’s probably incorrect) who takes about 8 classes of 20 students each semester. I’ve seen every type of student, but what every one has in common is that they’re way too wrapped up in their own stresses to worry about whether or not others seem confident in class.
The more you talk, the easier it will be. I don’t think it’s necessarily about stopping yourself from rambling (though obviously that would be great) but about getting enough experience talking that you don’t invest your entire self-esteem in every time you talk.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, Circ, I’ve got several degrees and have been teaching for about 6 years. I still ramble. It’s part of my process and I just incorporate it into my general madness. I don’t do it much (I get good reviews and never let my personal weirdness overtake class discussion) but I found that embracing my personality quirks helped enormously in the classroom. I get nervous and weird sometimes but a quick ‘hey, thanks for letting me ramble, I’ll just get back in my box now’ helps enormously.
Do people say ‘I’ll just get back in my box’ in the US?
Not that I don’t totally agree with everything that’s been said about Long–“meh” is a relationship death trap: just enough to get him in the door; not enough to get him back out again–but I figured I’d at least throw out there the idea that having your friends along on dates, mutual or not, can totally change the dynamic you had with him. The first date was good, you said, and you were surprisingly comfortable with having him over (this was a heeyuge plus when I started dating my boyfriend–still is), but throw another person into the mix on the second date and you can’t really get lost with him–you’re totally focused on the three-person thing and how is he fitting in and oh golly this would be so much more comfortable if I was just with the person I already knew really well. I’d sympathize with that, anyway.
On the other hand, when I started integrating my BF into my circle of friends, I was suprised to find my attitude to be, “Fuck it, I’m glad he’s here.”
So, in conclusion, everybody else is probably right.
It would make me not want cats if they couldn’t go outside ever. I love their dude-I’ve-been-in-the-catmint-and-I-am-baaaaaaked faces, I love the little furry presents they bring home to me (it’s totally the thought that counts here), I love watching them negotiate with the rudeness of falling snow, I love having a lot less litter box content to contend with. So I’d really be eager to work out a schedule of days out with the neighbors before I kept the kitties in for good.
Is there any kind of kitty socialization classes they could attend? Any neighborhood cat whisperers? Yeah, I know. Unlikely, given feline nature. Still – worth a shot, no?
Long: There are worse things than being alone. Spending a lifetime with someone you don’t click with is right up there. Wait for a guy for who makes your heart beat fast just thinking about him; you deserve that – and so does the guy you finally pair off with. I’d also like to post a note for the ladies who find that they are NOT with “growers” and for whom that IS a deal breaker. Try not to beat yourselves up over it – for every girl who is looking for Jack and his Beanstalk, there’s another girl who has a short corridor and is hoping to find the right fit for her. Yet another variant of lid/pot.
Speaking as a Cat Lady with 35 years and counting, I’d like to put in a plea that everyone’s cats be kept indoors. Suburbia isn’t all that safe – cars, kids, monsters who steal cats to warm up their fighting dogs, and, in a surprising number of suburbs these days, coyotes who regard cats as candy. If that’s not enough for people to keep their cats indoors, please don’t declaw them and then turn them outside after removing one of their best means of defense/escape! Apparently Not, if you can’t get your neighbors to keep their kitties in, maybe you can at least get them to rethink the declawing part of their program – especially if you mention that you’ve heard declawed cats often become biters as a result of the declawing.
Growing up, almost all the extend/ ed-family cats had full outside priveledges. Fast-forward to grown up with cats of my own, and they were indoor-only, as are the fam’s. There were never any great mind-changing moments, it just kinda oozed into the brains. Anyhow, it results in less worries and fears for the fuzzies.
Oh, for heaven’s sake.
Long, dump him. Dump him before he gets all hopeful or attached, or dump him to be kind, because he’s maybe not feeling all those fireworks either, eh? Maybe he’s writing to an advice columnist right now, saying “Jeez, she’s NICE and all, but…um…her boobs?” (I’m sure you have perfectly lovely boobs, by the way)
Everyone else saying she should just mess around with him MORE, maybe sleep with him, whatever? WHY? He’s not ringing her bell with his clothes ON. She should sleep with him…why?
Let’s say he did turn out to be a grower, not a shower? Who cares? “Gee, his personality is only so so, he doesn’t really turn me on, I’m not really interested, but HEY! He has an average sized penis!” This is not a good reason to date someone. Lots of men have penises, I hear!
Think of it like shoe shopping. If you saw a pair of shoes that you didn’t like, weren’t your color, didn’t go with anything you owned and were totally boring (besides being two sizes too small, or maybe five–I haven’t seen this guy), would you buy them anyway and wear them around for a week or so to see if they grew on you? Of course not. That’s absurd.
So, this guy isn’t your pair of shoes.
Don’t buy the shoes. Keep shopping.
To Circ — Just a thought, but you might want to check out “The Introvert Advantage,” a book by Marti Olson Laney. It was recommended to me recently (by a professor in my MFA program, incidentally) and has some good info on what an introverted personality is, and how to build on your strengths and cope with situations that don’t come naturally.
Sars’s idea of jotting down one-word notes about topics you want to talk about and trying to come up with some ideas ahead of time are good ones, too. Also, if you’ve got one closer friend in your program, maybe the two of you could try to chat about class topics before class — I sometimes find it useful to do that before a workshop.
But check “The Introvert Advantage” out of your library… I really think you might dig it.
@Niki, I smiled at your comment because it sounds just like me and my husband. In fact, describing why we love each other, we have a whole list of “in spite of”s to go along with our “because of”s :)
This is for CAT question:
The serious wounds you are seeing are from BITES, if they declaw their cats it will not help the problem and could it make it worse. (And it is a horrible thing to do a cat.)
Please do not let them declaw the cats. If all cats involved here aren’t neutured, then doing so will probably go a long way towards reducing the fighting. The next step is to keep them indoors.
@Circ: I might also suggest finding a friend in class, someone you feel comfortable enough with to share your concerns. That person could give you some feedback from their perspective about how you actually sound or agree to give you a sign when you’ve said what you need to say and seem to be wandering off the point. My best friend from college used to kick me under the table occasionally–violent, but effective.
As a professor myself, I would also encourage you to talk to your professors and ask for support and feedback. I’ve had several students come up to me after classes to share ideas because they weren’t comfortable talking in front of the class. Your professor may be willing/able to structure discussion in ways that will create low-pressure ways for you to “practice” participating (small groups, more formal formats for discussion, etc).
Sarah, isn’t it from Anne of Green Gables? I could have sworn…
“There was nothing in this letter about talking to him for hours, or daydreaming about him at work, or looking forward to seeing him”
That doesn’t always happen right off the bat (it didn’t for me and my partner…we dated a few times, I wasn’t interested but we stayed friends, that grew into love a year later). I’m not saying she should stick it out for a year waiting for something to happen, but…
I’m stuck on she says she had a great time on the first date, the 2nd date was kind of meh, but she doesn’t say it was absolutely horrible, either. To me, its worth date #3 to split the difference and just to make sure she’s not throwing something great away too quickly. Its one more evening out of her life. Hell, if nothing else, she hates dating, so this is good practice.
Cats live longer if you keep them inside!
I grew up with some indoor, some outdoor, some combined kitties, and I’m sad to say that we had some vanish on us outside. We also had some live for a good long while, too, but I’ll always regret the ones that vanished. Now that I’m on my own, my husband and I keep ours indoors only, and I really think that’s the way it should stay.
I always heard “there’s a lid for every pot” from my mom, who says her grandmother used to say it. So maybe a southern thing? (Said grandma was from South Carolina.)
To the girl with the long letter and a shortie problem,
Had he been drinking? Because a lot of guys can’t really…reach their full potential…when they have been. You may want to try him out sober. I firmly (..heh. I’m 12) believe that sexual compatibility is a requirement to a functional relationship.
However, I don’t think you’re into this guy. You’re into the idea of being into him. As someone who’s friends all got happily paired up years and years before she did, I know the feeling. You *want* to be in a relationship, and you’re not settling-not exactly- but this guy doesn’t ring your bell either.
Try internet dating. You can be very, very upfront about how awkward the whole thing is, and he agrees, and you both agree that you hate internet dating, and LOOK! You bonded over something.
I had a different read on the letter (at least the one that was published — for all I know there were more details in the original). The “meh”-ness actually struck me as kind of post-hoc, like — maybe it is about the penis, actually, and maybe revising emotional history is easier for the writer than accepting that kind of self-knowledge would be.
Regardless, I still agree with Sars that you’re doing nobody a favor by continuing to see him. People have a lot of sh!tty reasons for dumping other people, but *not* dumping them is usually worse. If you were uncomfortable because you found out he was half-Jewish or had a black stepfather I’d still say dump him. He is what he is, and it’s kinder to him to let him find someone who digs that.
I’m echoing Shannon’s advice for Circ–talk to your professors. Keep in mind also that a good teacher is mindful of traffic control and won’t let you monopolize a situation. Bella also had a good idea with a concluding phrase–you may find that you’re feeling obliged to develop some sort of conclusion when you merely wanted to explore something that you don’t have a conclusion for, and if you have a stable of “The end” phrases (“I just wanted to toss that out there”; “That’s as far as I’ve gotten on that idea”; whatever else floats your boat) you may feel less panicky about rambling since you know you can get yourself out.
A further, often overlooked point on the outdoor cat thing–they’re incredibly ecologically damaging, an invader species with a terrific advantage, and they can and do screw up the ecological balance of an area sometimes to the point of wiping out species. So it’s not just the cats that benefit from their being kept indoors.
Long: It’s okay if you’re not attracted to someone FOR WHATEVER REASON. You don’t need to make excuses or berate yourself for being superficial or not trying hard enough to Really Give Him A Chance or whatever. But I think if this were really just about penis size, you’d get right to the point instead of blathering about tangential stuff for several paragraphs before even mentioning his teeny-weeny weenie. If he is The Guy (or even just not Not The Guy), he could be hung like a Tic Tac and it wouldn’t matter much because you like him for HIM, not just his dick.
@Long: Take a deep breath here. I remember years of teen and young-adult angst in my boy-barrren life… someone I wasn’t into would show a spark of interest and I would feel obligated. “You always long for a boyfriend,” I would think, “and here is someone who is showing an interest, so how could you REJECT HIM after all that whining?”
But, boys and relationships are not like cleaning your plate because there are starving children in China. Never take one out a sense of obligation; especially, you *shouldn’t* have one just to fill some perceived gap that you’ve labeled “boy.” Have one because you’re wonderful, purposeful, and so satisfied with other things that a man would just be icing on your personal cake. In the meantime, work on your personal growth in other arenas, and you’ll be surprised how far you’ve come when Mr. Right does happen along.
Re the cats – I think working out a schedule with your neighbours is definitely a possibility, as they sound helpful (the neighbours not the cats).
Although we keep our cats in at night and when we are away, we let them out when we are here and they get such pleasure from going out in the garden I would hate to take that away from them. I also think it is rather cruel to start keeping cats in if they have previously been allowed to go outside, but of course you can’t let them get beaten up all the time either. I keep a water pistol handy to squirt the aggressive tom who threatens ours. He’s not frightened of them but he is of us, fortunately.
If you do have a vet locally who specialises in cat behaviour issues it might be worth getting a consultation. A behaviour person can help you see things from a cat’s point of view and suggest helpful changes. The one we saw helped us sort out our cats’ peeing on the carpet and it was money well spent.
As a veterinarian, please, for the love of all that is holy, keep your cat inside. Cat bites, dog attacks, hit by cars, feline leukemia, FIV, toxoplasmosis, antifreeze poisoning, gastrointestinal parasites, getting caught in fan belts…..I could go on. I’m not saying this to be mean, but to those who “can’t bear” not seeing them frolic outside in the sun/snow/rain/whatever, tough poopies. I’m sorry. For as much as we like to, well, I guess “anthropomorphize” is the wrong word, but as much as we like to believe Fluffy is but one step away from her hunting big cat relatives, she’s NOT. She’s DOMESTICATED. She’s safer inside, trust me, and can be just as happy.
@Kitty-Peace: Since the neighbours seem so helpful, maybe you could ask if it’d be okay to give disciplining the cats a try? Nothing major – just squirting the lot of them with the hose, or a super soaker, if you catch them fighting; it won’t hurt them, and it’ll get the message across to the cat that up with this you will not put.
I’d also go with the suggestion of trying to find someone local (or within reasonable distance) who specializes in feline behaviour issues who’s willing to do a consult. Could be, the dad’s cats are getting beat up and having a hard time finding space of their own inside the house, so they’re trying to stake out turf of their own *outside*, and they’ve noticed that your cats are push-overs.
And you might want to try asking the vet about herbs and stuff – there’s probably some plants out there that the cats will avoid that you can plant on the border between your yards, to try and discourage the cats from coming over and picking fights. Whatever it is might not be pretty, but you can always spruce it up with nicer-looking plants bordering the important ones.
@Jane: Agreed on cats being fun-sized cuddly bringers of death with all sorts of crazy bonuses. My boyfriend’s cat, especially, can be used as a textbook case of this: she’s one generation removed from being a feral wild-thing, so she’s got the polydactyly mutation – giving her five claws. On each paw.
On top of this, she is a *very, very* good hunter. Like most house-cats, she does not *need* to hunt (one of a cat’s innate advantages – they don’t need to hunt for food, which means they don’t limit themselves to just what they need to feed themselves). She is also capable of bringing down things larger than herself.
No, seriously. We’re talking about a cat who has dragged in *whole snakes* that are twice her own length. The BF and I keep joking that one day, she’ll drag home a moose; we’re only half-kidding.
She’s also very, very smart.
The end result is that the area around my boyfriend’s house, since his cat started hunting, has turned into a kill-zone. There are *no* living animals smaller than her within earshot of the house – and we’re talking about a Cape Breton house that butts up against a wooded ravine. There isn’t even birdsong, any more (although that’s partly the time of year, but apparently there’s very little even when it’s summer).
So, yeah – cats = fun-sized, cuddly, purring avatars of Death, Destroyer of Worlds for the local wildlife, if they’re any good at hunting.
Another suggestion for the outdoor kitties. Is it possible to enclose or “cat proof” your yard? If you already have fences you can easily cat proof your yard using a few pieces of poly pipe coming up at an inward angle with netting spread across. This is a cheap and easy way to keep your cats in your yard, and any unwanted visitors out.
Alternatively, a fixed cat enclosure (with entry from a cat flap or window) will give your kitties the feeling of being outdoors, without the danger of other animals/cars etc.
These sites are from Australia, but give you an idea of what I’m talking about.
http://www.catenclosures.com.au/
http://www.catmax.com.au/
http://www.cat-world.com.au/cat-worldenclosures.htm
@Long: Speaking as someone who always found herself attracted to assholes, and worried that she would never grow up enough to like a Nice Guy…last week marked 7 months with the nicest, sweetest, and most decent guy I’ve ever met. Also? As of our first conversation, I found him super hot and incredibly charming, and there were fireworks all the way. Nice & Firework-y are not mutually exclusive. Keep looking.
Attica:
It would make me not want cats if they couldn’t go outside ever.
Seriously?
You get the same dude-I’ve-been-in-the-catmint-and-I-am-baaaaaaked faces when you give them catnip – straight, or in toys; you still have a good chance of getting little furry presents, since nature finds its way into your home more often than you’d expect, and you can watch them negotiate with packing peanuts, tissue paper, and the grocery shopping. You wouldn’t have less cat poop – but you’d have it without toxoplasmosis, worms, and other parasites.
I spent twenty-five years of my life placing – and desperately trying to place – kittens and adult cats in permanent homes, and despite that, I would never knowingly let one go to someone who intended to let the cat be an outdoor cat. That’s not a kindness to the cat.
To combine two of the above topics–I found out on our second date that he was violently allergic to cats, but I fell in love and married him anyway. Yes–I gave up my cat for him. That was in 1983, and we’ve been together ever since.
@ Attica:
“I love having a lot less litter box content to contend with.” =
Another excellent reason to keep kitties indoors ALL the time,
especially the males. If the cat develops a urinary blockage, the onset is sudden, the damage is fatal if not treated immediately. How would you know if your cat is straining, unless he’s indoors where you can see and hear him? And they do adjust to life indoors. Dad used to let declawed-demon-Duzy go out on the patio to sniff around, and he’s been totally indoors since he moved in with me. And he’s fine with it. Plus, no more worry about ticks or fleas.
@Sharn, you make the point I was going to make about Long – unless you’re a die-hard (heh) size queen, which is not the the tone I got from Long’s letter at all, the thing is, if you really like a guy, you won’t actually care how he’s hung. I agree with the other comments that it seems like the penis is something Long is focusing on as something tangible, because she doesn’t want to come right out and say “look, he seems nice and is kind of cute and all, but I’m just not feeling it.” (So to speak.) (Sorry, I’m twelve.) The people who are arguing that maybe he’s a grower, or was drunk, or whatever, I think are missing the point.
Long, Cyntada is so right. Happy, meaningful, fulfilling relationships are not formed of a sense of “well, he’s nice, so I owe it to him to keep trying to force myself to be interested even though I’m really not.” You want to get married, but do you regard marriage as “spending the rest of my life with someone I love,” or as “HOLY CRAP I’M GETTING OLDER AND I NEED A RING ON MY FINGER OR I’LL DIE A PATHETIC SPINSTER”? What if you do meet someone who really does interest and excite you – once you’re trapped in a loveless relationship with Mr. Nice Guy? Your talk of being an immature girl who likes jerks makes me wonder about your dating history. I also dated several jerks, and then I dated guys who weren’t jerks and were “nice” but didn’t excite me, and eventually I realised that it’s all the same – that being unhappy with someone because you’re BORED is just as valid as being unhappy because you’re being treated poorly. Whether the guy actually intends to make you unhappy or not is irrelevent, in the end.
It really is better to be alone than to waste weeks or months or years of your life with someone who doesn’t make you happy. It took me a long time to learn it, and I had to learn it on my own, but it’s so true.
Joining the chorus of “keep the felines indoor”, especially if yours are of the not too bright and/or big purrbox but useless hunter variety. I’m not sure I would turn my cats out for part of the day even if I lived next to a wildlife preserve area they could trample through.
One of them is so sweet he even puts up with being held up off the floor for over five minutes, and is afraid of the tiny chihuahuas next door who he sees out the window when they walk. The other one is one of those death and dismemberment machines of fable, but alas does not have one lick of sense when it comes to: (a) picking fights with creatures her own size (persists on trying to beat up other cat who is massive and therefore can fend her off one pawed); (b) distinguishing things that are edible from things that are not (e.g., had to have an endoscopy done to extract a sizable piece of the other cat’s collar stuck in her intestines right before the Holidays – not her first offense).
Simply put, putting them outside would result in our wondering whether one of them was not kidnapped to be sold to a lab, and whether the other died as a result of voluntarily crossing the path of a coyote. Much easier to buy a tall cat tree, put it in front of the french window, and letting them beat on each other every day while they “argue” who’s going to sit on the top perch.
I don’t even think that the “well, it keeps the litterbox clean” benefit is worthwhile. If your litterbox’s smell really bothers you, that probably means the litter is not getting changed often enough.
Looooove “growers vs. showers,” Anonymous–my husband is totally a grower, not a shower. Awesome phrase, perfectly appropos. Sometimes, when he’s flaccid, I’m still (many years later) like, “Whoa. Small.” (In my head, of course.) But when he’s hard, it’s absolutely the same length as the other penises I have encountered in my life.
Growers & showers. Fantastic.
@ Long: this is kind of difficult for me to write about… and it all happened a long time ago. It’s presumptious to offer my experiences as a “cautionary tale” of any kind of course – most people are smarter than me from the get-go. But I’d like to post them anyway, fwiw:
I’d done the sexy bad guys thing for a while, and mid-20’s I met a Nice Guy who called on me (prior to any formal commitment) as I was really sick, which my then beaux dismissed as “wow, how nasty – call me when you want to hook up” – leaving me without food in the house, as I couldn’t stand up to get any. Nice Guy brings food, and sympathy… well, you get the idea: Nice Guy, now with added Knight In Shining Armour.
So I dumped Beaux (which had been on the cards anyway) and started seeing Nice Guy.
He was good looking enough, but I did NOT feel fireworks about him, he was also… let’s just say, he was neither a Grower, nor a Shower. I may be shallow but that matters to me – particularly in the absence of any, let’s say, compensatory skills.
I dated him, we got along okay, so I slept with him because back then I was a go-along kind of gal… a few months in, he “mysteriously” lost his apartment and had to move in with me… that Christmas, I took him to meet the fam purely because I didn’t want to leave him alone in my home over the holidays, and that was it, from that point on he was convinced we were Together-Forever and all that stuff.
He then started to really creep me out – obsessing over photos of me the minute I went out (I came back in unexpectedly a few times, and caught him in the act) and just generally… liking me TOO much (yes, there really IS such a thing).
Because I was phobic (for similar reasons to what you described) that this was my issue, not his, I put up with it for too long, and when I dumped him (with resultant threats of suicide from this Nice Guy, and knowing I was making him homeless) it messed my head up so badly, I went on to ruin any chance of a relationship with a guy I’d met who I really DID feel it for, big time, and the resulting emotional pain and fallout has pretty much scarred me in different ways ever since.
I even now still think about it, at times swinging between blaming myself, blaming him, trying to move on (I’ve had professional help with this, but I still periodically probe the issue, like a sore tooth) and wondering where my life would be right now, if I’d not driven away the man I felt strongly about.
The whole thing left me: 1. afraid of casually dating in case I ruin someone’s life again, like Nice Guy told me I did to him; 2. scarred that I met a guy I could have loved, maybe had a future with, and drove him away with my utterly extreme displays of commitment phobia; 3. to greater or lesser degress, not trusting my judgement with men, whether it’s about starting a relationship, or ending one: just the whole deal.
THAT was what going against my gut instincts – and let’s face it, that primal attraction thing – did for me, with regards to one Nice Guy. I’d like there to be a tidy ending to this post, but there hasn’t been one for me in real life yet, so – that’s it.
OMG, Ticks and FLEAS! Thank you so much, Robin. Attica, if none of the reasons anyone else has cited would move you – or any other reader – to keep cats inside, Ticks, and especially FLEAS, are the reasons beyond all others to do so! Even if you can deal with trying to vaseline a tick to remove it from your cat before it separates and the head keeps burrowing into the cat while the bloated body explodes with a big bloody BLAP! all over your hand and arm (you certainly don’t want to try holding the cat and a MATCH to the tick, after all), trust me, you DON’T want to deal with fleas. And no, flea collars will NOT prevent fleas! They may cause a horrible skin infection around the neck (usual), or they may not (less usual), but fleas will hide under the collar and laugh at you. Then they will jump off in the house, take up residence in your bedding and carpeting, and invite all their family, friends, and neighbors in. Did you know that it’s possible to hear fleas hopping on your pillow before they hop into your hair? Yes, it is. Do you know how hard it is to surreptitiously remove a flea from your cleavage on your morning commute? Do you know how awful it is to discover one you’ve missed … at work?
And the endless, expensive flea-bombing. You don’t get them all the first time, you know. Or the second time. And they can live for MONTHS without sustenance.
Ugh. Thank you, Robin, I’d put that out of my mind for a while.
Re the cats, there’s an earlier bunch of comments here https://tomatonation.com/?p=2817 that should make it clear to your neighbours that declawing isn’t just a kind of radical manicure – the comments from the vet. assistants who’d actually witnessed the aftermath frankly appalled me, as declawing doesn’t really feature here in the UK.
Let me quote a bit from the second comment down:
“If you SAW declawing, if you SAW the aftermath, you’d never want to have it done. After two years at a vet clinic, here are the declaw highlights (lowlights?):
The cat who panicked upon waking up, tore off his bandages and then tore open his toes and beat his paws against the bars until he had sprayed blood all over the kennel.
The kitten who sat on her hind legs, trying not to put weight on her newly mutilated front paws, and just STARED at me as I dealt with other animals. When I walked over to check on her, she very carefully put one bandaged paw through the bars, touched my hand and cried.”
That’s… it makes me sick to even think that people can do that to animals, to be honest.
I thought I’d mention this in case you’re looking for backup on that issue – personally I’d vote for the kitty rota, I don’t think declawing is even going to be effective in a case like this, where we’re not talking playful accidental scratches, but what looks like an ongoing feud.
@Circ, I just want to comment that Sars’s advice about how to prepare for talking about readings in grad seminars is also excellent advice for how to get the most out of a graduate program. Learning to view readings as a discussion between the author and a community, which means in part between the author and you, is an important part of making the transition from knowledge consumer to knowledge producer, and is a precursor to figuring out how to insert yourself and your work in that discussion. Her advice will help you talk in the seminar room, and will improve your work outside it.
Long may be ready to demonstrate Personal Growth, but it doesn’t mean she’s quite there yet: I can’t get a read on whether she thinks she *should* like Mr Nice Guy and doesn’t, really, or whether he just hasn’t… uh, grown on her yet.
Speaking from experience: when I met my guy, the first few dates were pretty nice, but there definitely weren’t any fireworks. “Nice, but not really my type,” was what I told friends. Also? I was indeed a bit of a size queen, and early investigations were not promising.
But guess what- sometimes real love takes more than two dates to develop, and sometimes the itty-bitties really do end up growing into oak trees. If there’s any chance at all that he might be a nice guy FOR HER, she should at least try another date or two. I did, and we’ve been married for eight years and it’s pretty damn blissful around here.
Eh, I blame reality dating shows for the idea that if there’s no chemistry on the first date, there ain’t no chemistry ever.
Oh, I wish I had seen this when it was posted, it may be too late. About the cats:
This may provide a solution (depending on the configuration of your yard and/or your neighbors’ yard and whether it would be possible to put this up around the fenceline in either yard):
http://www.catfencein.com
About declawing: it is INHUMANE. More over it won’t fix your current problem (see below). Declawing is akin to lopping off the fingers at the first joint. A declawed cat can’t climb, can’t defend itself, and should not be let outside. Declawed cats also often develop personality issues – aggression, inappropriate urination. So if your neighbors are contemplating declawing their cats anyway, they should just not do it, and keep them indoors. Here’s some good info: http://www.declawing.com/
Also, the abcesses your cats are getting are not necessarily from the neighbor cats’ claws, they could well be from teeth, so declawing wouldn’t fix the problem. My dog once had an abcess from a dog bite, and the vet explained that basically the other dog’s tooth had snagged on my dog’s skin and pulled it away from the subcutaneous tissue, forming a pocket (abcess) in which pus could build up and fester. In my dog’s case, she didn’t need a drain/shunt, or sutures, but she did need antibiotics and I had to put a hot compress on the wound twice a day for a couple of weeks and keep it open and draining. I have had a couple of tussles with my own cats that resulted in abcesses. Actually, both times I noticed behavioral changes in the cats before I knew they had anything wrong with them – they shied away from being touched, seemed depressed and wouldn’t eat. Took the first one to the vet and he found a TINY puncture mark where a claw or tooth had caused an infection. Two weeks of clavamox and he was right as rain. With the second one, I noticed exactly the same behavior, he wouldn’t let me touch his tail…I put him on some leftover Clavamox, and he perked up within a few days, i was able to inspect his tail and found a wound on it, and it was swollen, so I shaved it and cleaned it and everything was fine. Saved myself $130 at the vet on that one!