Dear Sars,

I need help. We live in the suburbs with our two-year-old cats. About six months ago our neighbors acquired two cats who belong to their elderly father (he moved in with them). We have had a pleasant nod-and-smile relationship with the neighbors, we don’t know them well, but they seem like nice people. Unfortunately the father’s cats are not.

I have broken up a couple fights between one of his cats and one of mine (in our yard). They had a cat before these ones moved in, so the new cats are obviously trying to take over some new territory and my cats are resisting.

About three weeks ago my cat ended up at the vet getting seven staples and a round of antibiotics for a laceration in her side. I told the neighbors about it, so that they would know to check over their cat. They offered to pay the vet bill and we said no, these things happen.

I broke up another fight at the beginning of this week and at the end of the week found another cut that abscessed. So now she has eleven stitches, a drainage tube, antibiotics and pain killers. This time theneighbors brought over a check. We said we would split this one with them and they insisted on paying the whole thing. Then they told me that they have an appointment to get the cats declawed.I’ve always thought that declawing cats was pretty cruel and unusual, on the other hand the $350 vet bills are a bit much. I’m also not sure declawing the cats will stop them from fighting.

I don’t think I should ask them not to declaw their cats, it’s none of my business, even though I think it’s mean.Or should I say something? I’m also thinking I should stop telling them about the cat fights, but I want them to know to make sure their cats are okay. We are going to put some serious effort in to keeping our cats inside. I don’t think we can keep them in all the time, but we can try.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Can’t all the kitties just get along?

Dear Apparently Not,

Well…apparently not.You’ll have to keep your cats inside from now on, or continue to rack up injuries and vet bills.

If you do talk to your neighbors about anything, broach the possibility of everyone keeping their cats inside.It’s going to save everyone money and aggravation, not least the fighty felines, and on the plus side, your neighbors do seem amenable to doing something, even if it doesn’t make much intuitive sense (I don’t recommend declawing any cat, much less one you’re going to keep letting outside, but that’s another discussion).

So, ask the neighbors if they could keep their cats in — or maybe you could work out an alternating schedule where your cats get to go out Mondays and Wednesdays, theirs Tuesdays and Thursdays, and so on and so forth.

But if that doesn’t go over, or if you try it and it doesn’t work out, you’ll have to face the reality: your cats are getting their asses handed to them, and if you want that to stop, you’ll have to keep them inside.It’s annoying, but y’all’s cats don’t get along and that’s that.

Hi Sars,

I know you often like to tell it like it is and I really want to encourage that in your response (and that from your readers). I am in an MFA program, which I do not exactly love, but I am here and trying to make it work. I think it would work so much better if I wasn’t so shy.

It just kills me to say anything. Of course, when I do start talking, then I can’t stop…it’s like all of those things I wanted to say before just blurt all out…and then I feel like I just spoke too much. Aaargh! I am not a stupid girl. I just think I have no idea what is appropriate classroom behavior?

Talking in circles

Dear Circ,

Your perception of how your talking comes off is probably much worse than the reality, but you can probably use a few tricks to help yourself calm down and feel a little more in charge of your classroom remarks.

The first thing to try is to rehearse some comments before class, just in your apartment or in the car, whenever.Think of points you might like to make about the reading (or someone else’s piece, whatever), and say them out loud a few times — don’t go over it so many times that it sounds canned (although, really, that’s okay too), but review it aloud so you can identify spots where you feel like you start to ramble, and practice getting back to the point.

In class, follow the discussion and make a very brief list of one-word prompts that will remind you of points you want to cover; then, when you jump in, keep half an eye on the list, make sure you’ve gotten to everything you wanted to say, and when you’re done, wind it up (doing that is something you can practice, and will get better at with time).A lot of people can’t tolerate a silence in a conversation, negotiation, or class discussion; it can take time to get used to it, to not feel obligated to keep blabbering until someone finally, mercifully interrupts.(Not that I speak from experience or anything.)(Except I totally do.)Don’t be afraid to say what you need to say only.

And if you forget some things, or stumble over your words, or prattle sometimes, well, welcome to the human race.Don’t be too hard on yourself; it’s class.You don’t have to deliver Lincolnian oratory every time out — you have to get on the credit radar for having done the assignments.It doesn’t sound like the issue is affecting your ability to do your work, so give yourself a break and try the little devices I’ve suggested.You may never enjoy talking in class, but you can acclimate yourself to it.

Hi Sars,

I think I have a problem with a Nice Guy.And it’s making me feel horrible and guilty and possibly just stupid.

About me — I’m something of a disaster when it comes to dating.Perfectly fine in other social situations, but call something a “date” and I’m a mess.Even though I would love to find the right person, I’ve been single forever because I find dating so awkward and stressful that I avoid it most of the time, and when I don’t, I usually end up turning into Jerry Seinfeld in the “Man Hands” episode, and I hate myself for it.I know I’m not perfect and I don’t expect others to be, but I just get to the point where I would rather be with friends, or home alone, or at the dentist’s having a root canal. On the rare occasions when I’ve been able to get relationships started, I have no trouble looking past that stuff, but I fixate on it in the beginning.

About the current situation — met Nice Guy a few weeks ago through a friend.Was more or less indifferent(he’s cute and tall, but a little too skinny, etc.) until said friend told me just how nice this guy was, which then piqued my interest.Which made me crazy happy because while I profess to be looking for a Nice Guy, I am not necessarily drawn to dudes because of that.Sort that typical immature girl-who-likes-somewhat-jerky-guys problem, right?Except I’m 31 and would like to get married and stay that way so I know I have to get past it.So this was something of a personal growth moment for me.

Went out with Nice Guy exactly one week ago.Had a great time, did some light making out, even let him stay at my place because we’d had some wine and I didn’t want him driving home.Normally, I get freaked out about my personal space when a guy sleeps over early into dating (even when there’s no sex involved), but I was surprisingly fine about having him there.

We talked on the phone a couple of times over the next few days, then I saw him again.Mutual friend and I met up with Nice Guy and other friends for drinks and such.This time, I felt kind of on the fence about him, mildly irritated by the typical Man Hands-like stuff that doesn’t matter, but told myself to shut up and forget about it and get to know this perfectly Nice Guy.See?More personal growth!

Anyway, I end up feeling sort of pressured into letting him stay the night with me again.Not by him (of course not, he’s way too nice!), but our friends dropped us off together and I felt like I’d be making things awkward if I didn’t just go with it.(Plus, I’m trying not to be the freak that I am about dating and not have a coronary because the guy stays over.)

So we go upstairs, start with the making out again, which is fine.No huge fireworks, but it’s fine.And while trying to get a little more into the spirit of things, I make a reach down his pants, between jeans and boxers.

There’s no way to put this delicately — Nice Guy is, um, tiny.Really, really tiny.WAY outside the normal range tiny.Like, I’m looking up “micropenis” on Wikipedia tiny.And I’m not proud to admit it, but this really bothers me. The few guys I’ve had sex with were all normal-sized and I know how much I like that feeling, so I instantly started worrying about the idea of a relationship without it.

Anyway, I tried not to visibly react, we kept making out for a little while, went to sleep, he left early in the morning to get to work, and now we’re supposed to go to dinner in a few days.And meanwhile, I’m…still bothered.And feeling REALLY guilty about it.

Am I a horrible, superficial person?Is this a deal-breaker?Do I keep getting to know him and try to get over it?I’m looking for a real relationship here and constantly sad over how hard it is to find one — do I even have the right to let this be a factor?If I do stop seeing him, can I (and should I) keep him from knowing why?Have you or any of your readers ever dealt with this issue?

Please help,

I Know This Letter Is Way Long, But Something Had To Be

Dear Long,

The larger issue, from my perspective, is that you say you want a real relationship, but you haven’t acted real in this situation at all — you let the guy come up and make out even though you didn’t want to; you forced yourself to let him into your personal space even though it’s against your nature; you assume that, because you aren’t really into the guy and you aren’t really psyched about his…more-portable-than-usual equipment, shall we say, that the problem is you.

And hey, maybe you do have problems, but the biggest one is trusting yourself and your instincts and not cramming yourself into a role that doesn’t fit you.You gave the guy a chance; he’s not setting your world on fire; next.End of story.You don’t have to disclose why, you don’t have to flagellate yourself for “never” liking nice guys, you don’t have to keep going out with him so you can tell yourself that at least you tried, because you can try all you want, but you aren’t into it, so it’s not going to work out.

The abridged penis isn’t the point.The point is that you’re asking me whether you’re right to like and dislike certain guys, or right to be attracted to them or not, and it’s not a matter of “right.”It just is.You don’t like guys with small penises; you’d rather not have them up in your shit on the first date.That’s called “a preference,” and you need to get honest with yourself about your preferences — I mean, do you want to get married, period, who cares to whom?Or do you want to get married, to someone who knows who you are, to someone you know and love who gave you your space from the jump?

For the record: tell him you really like him, but it’s not working for you.Don’t specify; just end the conversation quickly with a “take care,” and move on.But, again: ain’t about the peen.You’re just telling yourself it is so you can find a reason to beat yourself up for not going along, and it’s just not necessary.

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