The problem is, he hates the idea of me drinking; the very thought of me potentially having a drink makes him cry, and I almost never see him cry. Because of this, he wants me to give up alcohol completely. And I don’t want to. The thought of it makes me very unhappy — no more more glass of wine at dinner, no having a drink with my friends, and I’ll never get to go to a wine-tasting. We’ve had hundreds of talks about it, but he just won’t compromise. I promised never to drink around him, but he doesn’t want me to drink at all.

I’m so confused. BF thinks it shouldn’t be a big deal to give up alcohol, but it’s more than that — it’s that he wants me to give up something I like to do. He said he would give up anything for me, but I don’t want him to give up anything, especially if it’s something that makes him happy. I know it’s something he should talk to a therapist about, but he has no money for counseling, and the thought of talking to someone besides me about it makes him uncomfortable.

Please, help me — am I being selfish, or is this something I should give up for him, especially since it causes him so much pain?

Help,

Conflicted

Dear Con,

I don’t think it’s selfish of you — and this really isn’t about you. This is about your boyfriend taking a zero-tolerance stance on using alcohol that is both entirely understandable given his background and at the same time impractically rigid. He’s trying to exert control over alcohol in situations in the past by banishing it from his present. Again, this isn’t hard to suss out, but you aren’t his father, you aren’t his mother or his uncle, and your issue is not the alcohol itself; it’s that he’s trying to run you, on an issue that isn’t yours.

Tell him that, while you respect how much difficulty he has with drinking of any kind and while you don’t want to cause him any pain, your never taking a drink again feels unreasonable to you, and is not a solution to the actual problem in the first place. But you will do it temporarily, for a period of, say, three months — if he agrees during that same period to attend Al-Anon meetings, or some other form of affordable counseling, regularly. He doesn’t get to come home from one meeting and say he doesn’t like it or isn’t comfortable; dealing with these sorts of issues is by definition uncomfortable, and he does have to deal with them, because they’ll keep coming up in other ways in all his relationships forever if he doesn’t confront them and forgive himself…and other people. Some shit needs letting go of here. I mean, even if you agreed never to drink again, he’s going to have to police that. He’s going to think about it every time you meet friends for dinner. He’s going to feel betrayed every time anyone he knows has a glass of pinot. Forget unreasonable; it’s a miserable way for him to have to live.

So: compromise. Key to any relationship, and especially important here. You’ll go along with the no-booze thing for three months, but he has to give something up, too, namely his insistence that he won’t or “can’t” get counseling or get to the bottom of this neurosis. Say it nicely, say it with love, you won’t have any problem with that because you do in fact feel for him and see where he’s coming from — but he takes his ass to a church basement or it’s no go.