The Vine: March 13, 2002
How can I figure out what I want to be when I grow up? I’m almost 29 and still have no clue what I am supposed to be doing. I’d love to be writing, but after reading your site I fear I’d be a mere imitation, and a bad one at that. I’ve thought of being a lawyer, a teacher, a psychologist, and working for a non-profit to help children. But instead, I’m currently working as a legal secretary and spending all my free time online writing in my diary, pretending I am a big, famous columnist. It’s not cutting it anymore. My soul is racked with grief, because I know I did not suffer through life only to end up. Here.
Any suggestions on how to “find” my path in life? The self-help books my Mom gives me annoy me, and I stop reading them before I reach the final conclusion where they tell me, “You are destined to be a legal secretary.”
Sign me,
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Find a thing you think you’d like to do, and do it. If you don’t like it, find another thing you think you’d like to do, and do that. Just…start.
It’s so easy to let yourself freeze in an intersection because you don’t know which direction to go in. We’ve all done it — just stood there, staring at the signs and arrows, worrying that if we pick the wrong road, it’ll turn out a big old waste of time and leave us right where we started, so we’d better stand there a while longer until someone gives us a guarantee or tells us where to turn. But it doesn’t work like that. Nothing is guaranteed. You have to pick a direction and go in it, and if it’s the wrong way, you have to trust yourself to get back to the intersection and choose another way and not worry about falling behind or whether it looks to other people like you don’t know where you’re going, blah blah blah.
That grief racking your soul is actually paralysis. It’s not that you don’t know what to do; it’s that you’re afraid to do anything, in case the thing you pick to do doesn’t come out right, and I can sympathize, but it’s time to pick a direction and go in it. At the very least, it’ll allow you to eliminate one road if it doesn’t work out. As my dad once said, it’s better to regret doing something than to regret doing nothing.
Nobody knows what they’re supposed to do. God knows I don’t. Concentrate on the doing, not on the not knowing.
Sars…please help!
For the last six months or so of my life, I have wanted a steady long-term boyfriend. I have been living the single life to the max and loved it, but now I’m not quite sure what I want.
I have been seeing a few guys on and off, and the other day, Mr. New BF asked after a very few dates if we could make it offical. In other words, I’ve rushed into something too fast that I’ve wanted for a while, and to make matters worse, I slept with him that night as well. I’m not cut about about having sex with him; he wanted it more than I did and I’m pretty sure he feels more for me than I do for him.
There is this other guy, Mr. September Fling, who lives on the other side of the country and is getting more serious. Mr. September and I were a holiday affair — sex and that’s all, really. He said to me that after it ended, there would be no more contact. I was fine with that; I didn’t want or expect anything from him. A week after the fling, to the day, he contacted me. Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve, and certain other times, he has said he loves me and always will, et cetera. We are in constant contact.
Sometimes I feel strongly for Mr. September, and I have felt more strongly for him than Mr. BF. I know nothing will ever happen with Mr. September deep down, but I’m not so willing to give him up just yet.
Am I cheating if I am having very flirtatious almost cyber-sex-like text messages with Mr. September?
Neither one knows about the other. I know that nothing will come of Mr. September, but am I doing the wrong thing by even keeping contact? Am I being horribly unfair? Mr. September is to his wife though he has special circumstances (married out of guilt).
What should I do?
Stop or Keep Going
Dear Stop,
Wow. Okay, there’s a lot going on here, but let’s start with this sentence: “I’m not cut about about having sex with him; he wanted it more than I did and I’m pretty sure he feels more for me than I do for him.” So…the reason it’s okay that you slept with Mr. BF is that he’s more into it than you are? Think about that. Think about what that means. Mr. BF is safe for you. He likes you more than you like him. He’s a fallback.
Then there’s Mr. September, who’s also safe — he lives far away, and he’s married (“special circumstances,” my ass — a vow is a vow is a vow), so nothing’s really going to happen there, in spite of the fact that he’s professing his love for you and flirting and all that stuff.
Do you see a pattern here?
Now think how you’d feel in Mr. BF’s position if you found out about the text-message/fling business with Mr. September. Think how you’d feel if you discovered that he’d only kept you around as a back-up, that he really had much stronger feelings for another woman.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting safety, or with feeling indecisive — until those things put you in a position to hurt someone else. Mr. September might have his reasons, but what he’s doing, to his wife and to you, is still shitty, and you’ve turned around and done the same thing to Mr. BF.
Get rid of both of them. Chalk Mr. September up to bad timing, cut off contact, and start getting over him. Tell Mr. BF that you want to slow things down because you don’t know what you want; break up with him entirely if you have to, but whatever you do, get honest with him and yourself about how much you have invested in him. Stop dating for a bit. Look at the choices you’ve made in this situation; try to understand what they say about you emotionally. Take a break and get your head on straight. You aren’t ready for a serious relationship right now.
Tags: boys (and girls)
