Mr. Yum-Buckets and I have been dating for about a year, and have lived in sin since around April. My family isn’t keen on that but, having felt the need to say their piece about it, are courteous enough to now leave the topic alone. (We talk about our jobs a lot. It’s the last non-confrontational topic.) However, he is not invited to family gatherings that center on my mother (a widow — and I’m sure my father would have been equally nonplussed). He’s never been invited to Mama’s house for family celebrations, and I don’t expect that to change. Her birthday is tomorrow. The fam is celebrating by taking Mama out to dinner. I (evidently, um, WRONGLY) assumed that since the restaurant was off Mama’s turf, I was free to bring my cavorting companion; after talking to big brother and big sister today, I was gently advised that “that wouldn’t be the best idea.” (Reasons cited: she’s under a lot of stress; I already know her feelings about my living conditions and should therefore not try to “push it”; it just wouldn’t sit well with her, et cet. ad naus.)

Papa has only been gone for about a year, so we treat her somewhat gently even though I admire the boots off her and think she’s mighty plucky. We attended a very times ten to the nth power fundamentalist Christian Bible-believing church as a family since I was three; I left it when I divorced, and now my mother and sister and brother-in-law are the only ones left there. I still think the church is doctrinally sound and good, but I no longer feel I belong there. End of story for me. I have no qualm with Mama’s beliefs and think she is entitled to believe anything she wants. I know she truly believes my lifestyle is “bad” and she feels I should “know better,” and I have no desire to settle anything with her, make her see my side, or try to force anything that would smack of her condoning my “wrongdoing.” I just don’t feel it to be necessary.

HOWEVER, I feel stuck. By continuing to attend family gatherings to which he has been pointedly not invited (meaning, they never bring it up — just don’t acknowledge his existence — very Eastern European old-schoolish — it’s unspoken, I can come but without him), am I, in essence, condoning their dismissal of him? I’d like to add that I am insanely, obscenely, disgustingly happy. He rocks my socks. He is the knee of the bee. I wish they could enjoy that and be pleased and we could all live in the same blissful world, but I see that, because of my mother’s religious convictions, no one wants to rock the boat. And I am loathe to wobble as well, and I think that makes me a wuss. I keep feeling like I should say, “If Mr. Yum-Buckets is not invited, I gracefully decline an invitation to the family soiree, too.” No big scene, just “I would prefer not.” What would you suggest? I’m a big girl and I enjoy the hell out of my happiness, and I wish I could share same with them, but I don’t expect them to change. I am not incredibly super-close to my family, but — they’re family, and they’re mine, so.

Also adding that, to his credit, Mr. Yum-Buckets does not make an issue of this. His mother is also not super-keen on the cohabitation angle, but is able to love me and have me in her house and everything. I love her too — another fine example of a plucky woman.

Stuck in the Familial Muck

To start, I’m a senior in college (English major), and I’ve been with a terrific guy for almost two years. We’re not living together or married, but would be if we had the money. (Which we don’t, since I’m a student and he’s an unemployed techie looking for work.) We have our problems, but we are mostly happy and plan on staying together no matter what.

Before my boyfriend and I started dating, I was pursuing this professor of mine. He was older than me, gorgeous and smart, and I thought he had an interest in me too. We’d go out for coffee, he invited me to call him at home, he’d give me hugs, we’d talk about everything, et cetera. At the time, I thought he was single, although he never really came out and told me if he was or not. (He knew I was. And he also knew how I felt about him.) And while I was in love with him (or thought I was), it slowly became clear to me that he didn’t feel the same way — he wouldn’t return my calls, he’d be really late if we were meeting for coffee, and he basically just blew me off. I wasn’t sure why and I still don’t know why, but I have a feeling that maybe he just got scared, because I was his student (still taking a class or two from him), but especially because I was pretty aggressive in persuing him and he doesn’t like aggressive women. (Although now I wonder if there was another reason — which I’ll get to in a second.) So I grieved a little bit, but moved on, and got together with the guy I’m with now, who does love me and who has never played any of the mind games that my prof did.

This was almost two years ago, and since then, I’ve taken two classes from the guy. The class I took with him last spring went fine in that I distanced myself totally from him, and just took the class. I didn’t talk to him afterwards, and while I still found him physically attractive, I knew he wasn’t worth my time. (Especially since I have my boyfriend.) Fast forward to this current term, and I went into his class eager to see him, and finding myself elated when he said hi to me, or despondent when he acted like I didn’t exist. I don’t know what happened between last spring term and this term. It’s not because I’m unhappy with my boyfriend. But for whatever reason, I guess I’m still attracted to my prof and can’t seem to let it go.

A couple of days ago, I found out that this prof has gotten married. (I found this out through another prof of mine, who is somewhat of a mentor.) I had no idea this guy was married — in all the times I’ve talked to him, then and now, no mention of a wife has come up, and he doesn’t wear a wedding ring. (And I fucking hate men who do that because I feel they’re leading women on.)

So here’s what’s upsetting me. First, I guess I’m mourning the fact that he’s married, which I think is stupid of me, considering I have a boyfriend and we’re happy together. (And I know I shouldn’t give a fuck about my prof.) Second, I guess I was still more attracted to him than I was willing to admit to myself. Third, I feel stupid, so fucking stupid. I’m not sure when my prof got married (I get the impression it was pretty recently), but I wonder if all the time I was chasing him, I was chasing after someone who was taken. (One time, I called his house and a woman answered the phone. Pretty soon after that, I gave up on him.) I also feel stupid because this has happened to me before: chasing after an older man (who I feel led me on), only to find out he has a girlfriend — when we’re actually on a date. I wonder if maybe I misintrepret signals from men, that whenever someone I’m attracted to acts friendly towards me, I start to assume they like me too. I just feel so dumb.

So I guess what I’m asking is, am I wrong to feel the way I do? Should I be burned at the stake for still liking a man even though he treated me poorly (in my opinion) and I actually have a man who adores me? Or am I just being hard on myself?

Thanks,
Sad and Confused