The Vine: March 14, 2006
Sars,
I am a big fan of your site, and I am hoping that you can set me
straight on if my sister-in-law is loony, or if I am just rude.
The background is that my husband and I have been married for almost eight
years. Most of his family hates me (simply because I am a different
race), but my sister-in-law has always been nice to me, and we
exchanged a few emails a week just talking about random stuff.
The problems stems from this — two years ago my sister-in-law got engaged
and we all went to her wedding (specifically me, my husband, and our
then 1.5 year old son flew 2500 miles for the wedding). Sister-in-law
was very clear that she wanted our son at both the wedding and the
reception, and I was clear to her that we would attend for as long as
possible, but since the ceremony didn’t start until 8 PM and the
reception was from 9:30 PM — 2:30 AM, there was no way that my son was
going to last until the end of the reception (hell, we wouldn’t last
that long) and that whenever my son started to get tired and cranky we
would have to leave. She said that she was fine with that. My son’s
bedtime was normally 7 PM (an hour before the wedding was even to start)
but I gave him a long nap and hoped for the best.
Overall my son was
very well-behaved through the ceremony and the first part of the
reception, but at about 11 PM he started to get tired and cry, so my
husband and I removed him from the reception and stayed with him in an
outer room to see if we could calm him down. We couldn’t (his crying
escalated to screaming), so I went back inside the reception to find my
mother-in-law and tell her that we were leaving. I was going to tell
my sister-in-law that we were going, but her and her husband were
getting their pictures taken in preparation for cutting the cake, so I
just asked MIL to pass on our best wishes and we left (we had
a 45-minute drive to get to our hotel, so we didn’t want to hang around
until after the cake-cutting to say our goodbyes). SIL and
hubby left the reception and went straight to the airport to leave for
their honeymoon, and two days later we flew back to our house.
When
SIL got home I emailed her to ask about her honeymoon, but
she didn’t write back. I didn’t think anything of her lack of
response. I got a very generic thank-you note in the mail for the
wedding gift we gave to her, but again I didn’t think anything was
wrong. The holidays came and went with no card or gift from her, and
at that point I asked MIL if something was wrong. It
turns out that SIL isn’t speaking to me, because she thought
that I was “unexcusably rude” to not let her say goodbye to her nephew
before we left. MIL says that she passed on our message at
the reception, and at that point the bride was so upset about not being
able to say goodbye that it “cast a shadow on the rest of the evening”
and “ruined the rest of the reception.”
Now, in my opinion, my sister-in-law is being a huge drama queen (which she has been known to do in
the past). They didn’t even meet my son until two days before the
wedding, so I can’t see how not being able to say goodbye to him would
really have such a huge impact on SIL, but regardless of that
the only reason that I didn’t let her say goodbye is because my son was
overly tired and screaming his head off, and I didn’t think that that
it was appropriate to drag him back in to a room full of adults (he was
the only child there) and interrupt the cake-cutting just so she could
say goodbye. Regardless, I wrote her a letter and sent it snail mail
(in case she had my email account blocked) and both explained my
reasoning for doing what I did and apologized for upsetting her. She
emailed me that she got the letter, but that was the extent of the
email, and now she has basically cut off all communication with me, my
husband, and our son.
So (finally) my questions to you are: Was I really so wrong in
removing my son from the reception and not giving her a chance to say
goodbye to him? I’ll admit that I hate it when kids make noise and
their parents just ignore it, and as a result I remove my son at the
first hint of noise, but he really was screaming non-stop at the point
that we left. If I was wrong, is it still reasonable for her to cut us
all out of her life completely, especially my son? My husband is fine
with just cutting all ties with his whole family (mostly because of the
way that they treat me in general) but I hesitate because a little
nagging voice keeps saying that maybe I was heartless and insensitive.
Please help me out here…is she just a drama queen or am I a jerk
(or is it a little of both)?
Thanks!
Curious In California
Dear Curious,
You took your son home so that he wouldn’t create a disturbance at the reception, right? So how is it possible for you to be the jerk here? Your SIL barely knows your son, as you said, and even if she did have a reasonably close relationship with him, it’s…her wedding day. It seems like she should have had a few other things occupying her attention and not even had time to get into a swivet about the fact that a toddler left the party early.
I would bet American money that, if you had stayed, she would have found a reason to be a bitch about that instead. She’s got no grounds to stop speaking to you over something so ridiculously minor and bizarre, but she has, so take it for what it is: a blessing. She’s a nuthole, and if your husband doesn’t care whether the two of you get along, you shouldn’t either.
Sars,
Okay. So, my boyfriend and I have been living together
for over a year, been dating for almost two. We love
each other. Everything is seriously peachy; we’ve got
a cute little house and a dog and a cat and we’re as
happy as happy can be. We’ve been talking about
marriage and kids, and we know we want to do it all,
but we’re in no rush.
Problem is, my boyfriend is a smoker. I used to smoke
— all through college, in fact — but last year I
quit (it was getting too expensive; plus, I’ve
embarked on a whole “healthier me” thing recently,
which also included losing 40 pounds). I didn’t have
too much of a problem kicking the habit, but I
appreciate the fact that it’s harder for some than it
is for others. My boyfriend has been smoking since he
was 16, and he smokes about a pack and a half a day.
Nothing would make me happier than spending the rest
of my life with this man, so the thought that he could
drop dead of lung cancer or a blood clot or something,
way before his time, scares the crap out of me. If I’m
thinking about having children with him, part of me
wants to be assured that he’s still going to be around
in ten or fifteen years. (I know, I know, it’s not
possible to predict what the future holds — but I
feel he’s clearly heading toward something that might
otherwise be prevented.)
Every morning he goes into the bathroom and hacks
various amounts of mucous into the sink. It’s gross,
horrible to listen to, and it scares me. Recently I’ve
started hinting that I want him to quit. I’ve told him
if he decides to do it, I’ll be there for him with
whatever kind of support he needs, but he’s been
acting very childish about it. He says that the more I
ask him to quit, the more he’s going to want to smoke,
which just seems like a very five-year-old way to go
about things. I’ve told him I don’t want to rush him
or anything, but that it would really mean a lot to me
if he could at least give it a shot. He basically told
me, “Don’t bother, it won’t happen.”
For instance, last night we went out to eat. He got up
from the table to go outside and smoke. I asked him if
he could maybe go without the cigarette, and he said,
kind of half-joking, “You know, I’m going to smoke TWO
now, just because you said that.”
I’m trying to be sensitive and not adopt the whole “If
I can do it, so can you” attitude, because I know how
obnoxious that can be. I realize I only smoked
cigarettes for four years, as opposed to his nearly 20
years, so I can’t really compare our experiences. But
it’s really been bothering me. I recently lost my
grandfather to lung cancer (this is really what
prompted ME to quit, and to become healthier in
general), and I watched as Grandpa went through a long
period of suffering before it was over. I love my
boyfriend and I don’t want him to have to suffer that
way in the end. It’s heartbreaking to even think
about.
Another factor in how I’m feeling is, I admit, a
little more selfish — up until about a year ago, I
used to smoke a lot of pot. It’s something I started
doing in high school. When my boyfriend and I moved in
together, he told me that he’d rather I didn’t bring
pot into the house, and in fact he would like if I
quit altogether — so I did. And that was that. No
more. It was tough, but it was a sacrifice I was
willing to make because I love him. So this cigarette
thing is making me feel kind of bitter — I mean, I
gave up something I really enjoyed so I could live
with him, and he’s not even willing to think about
giving up something for me. Relationships shouldn’t be
all about sacrifice, I know, but I can’t help dwelling
on that.
We haven’t actually fought about this, because we’re
both pretty mellow people and it takes a lot for us to
have a serious argument about anything. My question
is, am I right to keep bugging him to quit, or should
I just drop it? Is there a certain way you would
suggest I should go about this? I know it has to be
HIS decision, on HIS time, and it’s not like I want to
make him choose between me and Marlboro, but…I’m
confused about how to proceed.
Signed,
Trying Not to be Pushy
Dear Push,
Drop it. He has said, in so many words, that he’s not going to respond to nagging and “hinting.” Continuing to do it won’t work, unless the goal is to irritate him.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you how awesome smoking is, because it isn’t, and every reason you’ve laid out for why he should quit is perfectly valid — and intellectually, he knows that. But this is not about smoking, in the end, because the thing is, you do want him to choose between you and Marlboro, and you want him to choose you. In other words, you want to change him.
“…Noooo, I want him to change his habits, and I’m right.” Nice try, but it’s the same thing, and “right” isn’t really relevant here. You are in fact “right,” but unfortunately, that isn’t the point. The point is that he smoked when you met, he smoked when you got together, but now that you’ve quit, you’re going to change the rules — and to use guilt for leverage because you gave up smoking pot “for him.” And, you know…you didn’t have to do that. You could have agreed not to have it in the house and toked on your own time elsewhere. But you chose to give it up. He didn’t make you.
Do you see what I’m saying? I think it’s fine to insist that he smoke outside, or not stink up a car the two of you share, or whatever — that’s a courtesy issue. But as far as getting him to quit…he can read the side of a cigarette pack. He knows the risks. Hectoring him doesn’t do any good; you already know that. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to work either, probably, because he’ll probably pick you over smoking, but then he’ll resent you, and he’ll resent quitting, and he’ll start sneaking smokes, and you’ll smell it on him, and now it’s an argument about lying on top of quitting, and once again, it’s not going to be about smoking in the first place, and that cycle is going to repeat itself like ten times because it takes heavy smokers a few tries to quit for good.
Sound like fun? No? Then how about this: tell him once more that his smoking worries you, you want him to quit, it’s his choice but if he won’t quit he smokes outdoors, and let that be the end of it. Because you know what worked on you, to get you to quit smoking dope? Yes ma’am. Exactly that.
Again, you’re in the right, but…think about the cost of enforcing that fact. He’s an adult; he makes his own choices. You can live with them or not, up to you, but the choices themselves…you can’t always make people do what you want them to do.
Sars —
I was just given a Zippo as a gift and have been trying to find a place to buy lighter fluid for it.
I have gone to mass market drugstores, but they send me to the supermarkets (I have no clue what the thought process is there…) who send me back to the drugstores. I know that I can just order it online, but I feel like there should be some place in Manhattan that I can buy some and save myself the $10 s/h charge on a $1.50 item. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks!
But they just last longer than a disposable lighter…
Dear Light,
A lot of delis have it — the one across the street from me certainly does, and when I lived in Manhattan, the corner store had it (but Duane Reade didn’t, because Duane Reade sucks my ass). Half the time, they don’t even know what it is because so few people use Zippos now, so ask for “Ronsonol — the yellow bottle.” It’s usually either behind the counter or near the supply of saint’s candles.
Failing that, look for smoke shops on CitySearch; they’re bound to have it.
Dear Sars,
I have a boy problem, and although I know you must be sick of them, I desperately need advice from an impartial source about this one.
So, I met this guy “Dan” about three years ago when he was single. We got along great and flirted a lot, and it seemed to me like we were heading towards dating. However, a month later at my surprise birthday party he ended up hooking up with “Ellen,” one of my best friends. It sucked, and at the time I was crushed, but I got over it, although my friendship with Dan became awkward.
That summer I started to get close to a guy named “Jim” who was an old childhood friend. I was a sophomore in high school and he was a freshman in college, so it is safe to say that he was the much more experienced one in our relationship. We “went out” for a few weeks, until one night I got into a bad situation with him that involved him not understanding the meaning of the word “no.” It wasn’t rape, but I can’t be sure it wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t finally pushed him off of me and told him violently that I was not under any circumstances going to sleep with him. I completely severed ties with Jim after the incident, but never told anyone about it except for my sister and a few close friends, deciding that I didn’t want to make a fuss about an occurrence that I had managed to handle myself.
However, about a year later Dan called me randomly and asked me to hang out. I agreed somewhat cautiously, as we hadn’t spoken for a while, but we actually had a very good time together and realized that we wanted to rekindle our friendship and maybe let it develop into something more. He and Ellen had broken up a while ago, so there was no obstacle to our relationship, and things seemed to be going very well for us for a while. That is, until I told him about Jim.
I told Dan about the relationship after he and I ran into Jim at a movie. The meeting was perceptibly awkward, and after Dan pressed me for details I told him about the incident, taking care not to over-dramatize it or act as if it had traumatized me in any way (which it hadn’t, it was actually quite empowering). The problem is quite simply that Dan freaked out. He actually punched a hole in his door when I told him, displaying a level of violence that was frankly much scarier than anything Jim had ever done. He went into a crazy primordial “protector mode,” ranting about how “he was going to kill Jim,” and that “he couldn’t believe the bastard had hurt me.” In the movies such reactions seem hopelessly romantic, however in real life…yeah, not so much.
Sars, what should I do? I don’t want to end my relationship with Dan, and he obviously cares about me, but at the same time it’s a little frightening that he punched a hole in his wall. It had been a week since I told him, and I have kind of avoided him, even though he has called me multiple times to see how I am doing.
Should I continue looking for a relationship with this guy? Or should I just give up and move on?
Thanks,
All this “he-man” shit annoys me
Dear Me Too,
I think that at the very least you should tell Dan what you just told me — while you appreciate his concern, that “Hulk SMASH” shit won’t fly. Never mind that it’s kind of sexist — it’s over the top, and it made you really uncomfortable.
Don’t apologize for feeling that way; don’t over-explain it. Just tell him it grossed you out and leave it at that. I mean, loyalty is one thing; I’ve certainly wanted to kill guys who took it too far with my own friends, but there’s a way to express that that isn’t inappropriate and doesn’t make it all about Dan, which…this was, on both counts.
I don’t think you have to cut ties with him, but it’s something to keep an eye on, and to tell Dan you’re keeping an eye on, because you can take care of yourself, and a failure to get that on his part is not going to work long-term.
Dear Sars,
I have a question about a boy — well, actually not so much about a boy as about our relationship. We’ve been good friends for over four years. We’ve been “together” for over two years now. There is an age difference of more than ten years between the two of us. He’s late twenties — I’m late thirties. What’s my dilemma? I want to get married — not necessarily right now but someday — soon. My guy, while not ruling it out in the distant future, is not ready for that level of commitment. Meanwhile time is ticking away. I love him BUT do I wait to see if he (ever) wants to commit? Or do I cut bait?
Another related problem involves mom who is retired and lives with me. She can’t support herself on her own — so she’s part of the equation. I think she’d be very happy if I didn’t have any outside social life. I get constant griping and nagging if I go out at all. My hours are monitored and if I’m sleepy the next morning — it’s because I “stay out until all hours” and neglect my health. I feel like I’m being suffocated. She goes on and on about things that happened decades ago and people she hasn’t seen or talked to in several years. When I ask her why she obsesses about it, she claims she’s not obsessed and that I’m her form of therapy. For many reasons including those such as lack of: funds, transport and inclination — she has no outside life. I love my mom and can’t dump her but I feel overwhelmed.
Help, I’m drowning
Dear Drowning,
Okay…lots going on here. I’ll take the second one first: your mother does not sound entirely compos mentis to me. You love her and you want to take care of her, but if you are her primary caregiver, and if that isn’t something you are trained for/qualified to do, I think you need to investigate other arrangements. She’s depressed, at the very least, I think, and you need to have her evaluated by a professional, and perhaps get a recommendation for an assisted-living situation, because it’s one thing not to want to “dump her,” but I think you need to see if you can’t figure out a different solution — get her her own small efficiency apartment and visit her a few times a day, find her a home aide, something that gives you a little bit of separation.
Again, I know it’s difficult not to feel like this is abandoning her, a little, and she sounds like she’s probably going to say exactly that to you, but…you know, it’s not your fault that she got to this point in her life and had no resources to fall back on besides you. She might make it out like it is, and you might feel like it is, but it isn’t…and caring for and about her is certainly something you should make time for, but not at the expense of your entire happiness.
The need for boundaries here leads me, sort of, to the other issue…and no disrespect to your mother or to you, but if I’m your guy, I’m…not in a huge rush to get married to a woman whose dependent (and domineering) mother lives with her. This may not be his reasoning, or it may be only part of it, and forgive me for stating it so baldly, but if the situation with your mom is as smothering as you describe it, he’s probably not eager to bind himself to that legally. This is not to say that you should shuttle your mother into a home posthaste in order to make yourself more appetizing to him; it’s just something to think about.
The other thing to think about is why you want to get married right now. Do you want children and you think you’re running out of time? Do you think getting hitched will solve, or at least make you feel better about, certain other ongoing problems? Because saying yes to one or both of those questions isn’t “wrong,” but you do have to be honest with yourself about what you want from this guy, and you have to be honest with him if you’re to have a shot at getting it. If he doesn’t want kids yet, he doesn’t, and you can either gamble that he’ll get ready in fairly short order, or you can move on to someone who’s more into starting a family. If the issue is that he doesn’t want to take on your mother, well, you can find that a deal-breaker and move on, or you can discuss your options with him and see what you can work out.
The bottom line on both of these questions is that you want things to change, but that you’ll need to make that happen yourself with action and communication. Your mother is not going to wake up one morning with a full bank account different personality. Your boyfriend is not going to read your mind. You know what you want, and you may not get it by asking, or by acting, but you won’t get it by sitting still either.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships NYC the fam
