The Vine: March 15, 2001
Okay, here’s the deal. Once upon a time in the land of college there was a group of close “Friends.” Phoebe had a roommate named Monica and they lived happily together for three years. Phoebe had another friend named Rachel, who became her roommate for the fourth and final year of college. Starting in college, and continuing for about four years, Rachel and Ross were an item. Eventually, they broke up and came close to getting back together and broke up again. They adopted cats together. They moved into the same apartment even after they had broken up. (Which Phoebe thought was a really bad idea, but that’s not the point.) Anyway, last Christmas Ross and Monica started talking a lot on the phone, and — long story short — at this point he’s moved halfway across the country to date her. Of course, this has caused Rachel to no longer speak to Ross and Monica, and vice versa. Phoebe, natch, is caught in the middle…
I know if I were in Rachel’s place I’d probably never forgive Ross and Monica. Ever. On the other hand, is it fair to be upset by a relationship that seems to be making two people very happy? Monica and Rachel are both close enough friends that they’d be bridesmaids at my wedding (not that that’s an immediate issue) and this seems to have ruined any future possibility of having all of the “Friends” in one place.
I can’t take sides, but I feel like I’m being disloyal to one or the other if I don’t. So I thought I’d see what an objective observer would say. Did Monica do something unforgiveable, destroying a good friendship for the sake of being able to date someone? Or is it anything goes when it comes to potential romance?
Puzzled Phoebe
P.S. And yes, I’m fully aware that by invoking the whole Friends parallel the idea of a relationship between Monica and Ross becomes pretty ick. But coming from the point of view of someone who often thinks of this group of friends as extra brothers and sisters, that’s sorta the point.
Dear Pheebs,
I have an unofficial policy about this very sort of situation, namely that any boyfriend of a close friend of mine is automatically and forever rendered off-limits to me, whether they go out for five minutes or five years, because once you get tangled up in that incestuous shit, you never get free, and it just isn’t worth it, for you or (in your case) for the rest of the people in the group that have to crawl under the table when the screaming starts. Which it always does.
But I also believe that you have to see about love when it comes along, so I don’t know what’s the “right” thing here. I’d like to think that, in Monica’s shoes, I wouldn’t have gone near Ross, but it’s easy to say how to act when it’s not you. Like, it’s easy for me to say that Rachel should suck it up and move on, too, but she feels how she feels, and I can’t fault her for that.
I think you really want to know if Rachel and Monica can get past this. Well, maybe they can and maybe they can’t, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to make that happen, or to choose a side if it doesn’t happen. Be a good friend to both of them, and try to accept that, sometimes, friendships just get ruined. It’s hard, I know; it doesn’t occur to us that the whole group won’t stay together forever. But that’s not natural, as you can see from tuning in to the real Friends and seeing how old they’ve grown and weird it’s gotten that they’ve all lived on top of each other for so long. Part of adult life, unfortunately, is walking the tightrope of mutual friends that hate each other.
Hello —
I just recently started a new job as a “admin assistant,” and while I like my bosses, I do not like my coworkers, particularly the one who sits next to me.
See, the problem is that where I work is very racially divided — white women with degrees are the bosses, and black women with high-school diplomas (perhaps some college, and degrees — not as many) in secretary positions. I’m white, a new college grad. I constantly hear a lot of fellow secretaries, in particular the one sitting next to me, Yolanda, constantly trashing the bosses.
To Yolanda, it’s as if every person here who isn’t black is “an airhead,” or “stupid,” et cetera, and this is a constant dialogue she carries on with whoever will listen — in this case, the woman sitting next to her, Marjorie, who’s a lot nicer and polite (she and I get along).
I’m having problems not just because of the constant chattering and giggling, but also because Yolanda is singing, humming, and whistling when she’s not in gab sessions with others. It’s frustrating, because it throws my concentration off, and when I’m talking to clients, it sounds as if there’s a party in the background. No professionalism whatsoever.
I’ve bought earphones, headphones, et cetera to drown out her voice, but she wins every time — I never fail to hear her. Problem is, I’m 23 and totally new to the place, and she’s been here since the Ice Age — mucho seniority, and all the women here love her, because she’s one of the few who’s willing to talk shit about people no matter if they’re bosses, coworkers, whatever. I know she talks about me, too (sometimes you can just tell — and it doesn’t bother me, because i’d rather be someone she dislikes than likes — when I first got here she would come over to my desk and talk my ear off about how stupid my bosses were, and I would be uncomfortable).
She asked me this morning to not “slam” my filing cabinet drawer (although I wasn’t trying to get any attention — I was merely closing it), but it made me angry, because here I am, making all these concessions to avoid her annoyances, and can’t talk back to her without every fellow admin assistant here regarding me as the “white bitch” (another phrase I’ve heard a gazillion times here, referring to others). I haven’t talked to the “big boss” of our department, but my immediate boss just said i’ll have to deal with it myself. I don’t want to start waves, as I’m still in the probationary period of working and don’t want to be labelled as a bitch. But it seems I already am.
WHAT TO DO?
Greenhorn
Dear Greenhorn,
You do not have to like your coworkers, and your coworkers do not have to like you. Your bosses should like you, at least a little, and the clients should like you, and you have to make nice with people, of course…but work is not a popularity contest. Work is not summer camp. All you have to do at work is…work.
I understand that you don’t want to get into it with Yolanda; you seem to feel that it will be construed as A Race Thing, and that she’s got the other admins “in her corner.” Regardless, she’s annoying you, she’s already talking shit about you anyway, and she’s not your direct superior. Lay on the sweetness and light, and ask her as nicely as you can to keep it down. You don’t have to suck up to her, or join her in the trash-talking; just say “please” and “thank you” and “I really need to have quiet on this call,” and smile as much as you can. She is affecting your ability to do your job well, and you have every right to ask her to stop.
Your coworkers will get on your nerves until the day you retire. You will have to find a way to cope without tattling to your bosses or seething silently — because, believe me, I’ve tried those things, and they don’t work.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships workplace
