The Vine: March 15, 2002
Ms. Bunting,
I have some insight into Clueless’s problem. I meandered through various jobs and majors to wind up as a very unhappy chemist. So, one summer I came across a book called Where Do I Go From Here With My Life? It is sort of a workbook offshoot from the What Color Is Your Parachute? book by at least one of the same authors. The first major task was a review of all the things that you have done that you are good at or that you enjoy, whether as jobs, volunteering, or just for fun. The obvious goal is that you should find a job you love and get paid to do that (yeah, okay: no-shit-cakes). The hidden treasure is that often the things you do best are things that you do almost instinctively and that talent is often overlooked. Like, I am so good at fixing things that when my car breaks down I’m almost excited as I get to figure something out and fix it. Well, not if it is cold, dark, raining, and I left the tools I need at home. The point is that I never really thought about this talent of mine because it comes to me naturally.
The workbook also covers a lot of other aspects of work, like whether you are a people person, do you want to live in big cities, et cetera, and helps you create a picture of your ideal work and work environment (picture a flower with a bunch of petals, with each petal being an important part of where you live and work). The book also has an excellent list of references on job categories, career descriptions, and other guides to finding jobs that match one’s interests.
And what happened to me afterwards? I went back to school studying something I loved, made great grades, worked at jobs that really interest me, and now I’m a highly respected professional engineer at a major private university, doing my ideal job. There is NOTHING like getting paid well to do something you love doing. It makes all the other stressful things in life so much easier to handle. I think this should be the most important course that they teach in high school. So many societal problems would be mitigated if more people worked at jobs they loved.
Walking Eagle
Dear Eagle,
Thanks for the suggestion. I would add that half the battle for Clueless is doing something — buying a book, drawing up a list, making a plan. This sounds like a good first step.
Sars —
I’ve enjoyed many of your Vines, and I think I am experiencing a problem a unique enough to merit your advice.
Some background: I am co-chair of a committee that welcomes and trains new members of the local chapter of a multi-national volunteer/charity organization. An organization you once disparaged when you stated you had not “sprung, fully formed, from the head of [it].” Rants and bygones aside, our committee is divided into pairs of members who serve as “mentors” to groups of ten to fifteen new members. The role of a “mentor” is as much social facilitator as leader or teacher, and mentors regularly get together with new members to bond at happy hours or similar gatherings.
The problem: Bunny and Muffy are co-mentors to a team of new members. Last night, we had a committee meeting, which Bunny was unable to attend. During our discussion of happy hours, Muffy informed us that their team had already met for a social event at one of the new member’s homes. She then proceeded to get into serious detail about how Bunny knocked back a few too many cocktails and basically made an ass of herself. I did my best to acknowledge Muffy’s point and move on, not wanting to get into a group bashing of Bunny behind her back. After the meeting adjourned, Muffy and I chatted further about the problem, and she said this was not the first time Bunny had tied one on at such a function.
The questions: 1) What to do about Bunny? This is a volunteer organization, these social activities are fun, and most of us enjoy an alcoholic beverage or two at these things and at our meetings. On the other hand, Bunny does represent our organization as one of its leaders, and her behavior is inappropriate. 2) What to do about Muffy? I feel her pain and embarrassment, but she definitely shouldn’t have brought this up in front of the group. I’d like to make strong mention of this, but I don’t want her to feel like she can’t come to me such problems, especially if this situation recurs or gets worse.
Thanks for your work in bringing sanity to the masses, and I look forward to hearing your perspective.
Gloves & Pearls
Dear Gloves,
Yeah, my mother’s a former Junior League president and she didn’t love that line either. I tried to skate across a stereotype and fell through the ice — my mistake. No hard feelings.
On to the problem. You need to tell both of them exactly what you told me. The Bunny conversation is going to suck, but you have to step in now and warn her that, you know, you like her, and you don’t judge her or anything, but you’ve heard complaints about her behavior in re: alcohol, and you can’t have that from a representative of your organization. Ask if there’s anything going on with her, anything you can do to help or that she wants to talk about.
Next, make a script from your letter and use it to talk to Muffy. “Muffy, I feel your pain and embarrassment, and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me with problems like this, but you can’t air these things in front of the group — it’s inappropriate. In the future, please take me aside privately if you need to discuss another rep’s behavior. Thanks.” In the future, if Muffy or anyone else starts down the gossip road during a meeting, bring things back on topic quickly.
I understand that it’s awkward and not anyone’s idea of a good time, but you’ve got to do it — and the sooner the better, to nip both things in the bud.
Tags: etiquette friendships workplace
