Hooray! I finally have a Vine-worthy question, I think.

I just read your answer to Worried Cat Mom, and I have a related question,
since I might be in somewhat of a similar position next summer. I’m planning
to apply for a foreign exchange program and am hoping (fingers crossed) to get
a placement that involves me being away for a year; the program also offers
shorter placements, usually three months and up. I have two charming cats (6 and
2.5 years), but sadly, neither by roommate nor my boyfriend seem to find them
as charming as I do, so I’m not sure either of them would want to have my cats
around long-term without me there to do the kitty care work. Some of my
family members might, but as they’ve already got two cats in residence at the
family home, I’m hesitant to double their trouble.

So my (multi-part) question is, what do I do with my beloved boys if I decide
to go? If I’m only gone a short time (say three months), is it better to try and
parcel them out among my more cat-friendly family members a few hundred miles
away, or should I try to convince my roommate and/or boyfriend to keep them
for me in an environment closer to home? (There’s also a far-off possibility
that they and I might end up living with my boyfriend when I return, so
perhaps this is their chance to bond…) If I get a year-long placement,
I’d definitely like to take them, both to spare my friends and family and
because I would miss them so much; if I can find a place to live where it’s okay
to have pets, is there any compelling reason not to have them travel with
me? If I’m gone for some in-between time, like six months, how do I decide what
time period is long enough to justify having them come with me as opposed to
staying in the States? And if I have to separate (and be separated from) them
for a long time, how will they react to each other and to me once we’re
reunited?

Any advice (or pointers to cat-travel resources) that you have would be
welcomed!

Thanks,
Cat Got My Travel Bug

Dear Bug,

It depends on what you have to do to take them with you — whether they have to spend a significant amount of time in quarantine, for example, and if it’s any more involved than presenting paperwork at a border, I would not take them with you unless you end up going for a full year. I took my cats with me to Canada for three months, but I could just drive them across the border, and anything more involved than that is not worth the aggro for any of you.

So, the short answer: if there’s a quarantine, don’t move them for less than a year, and even if there isn’t, for any less than six months, I’d leave them with friends or family.

As for the potentially-not-that-happy reunion, as I told Worried Cat Mom, cats do not really have long memories for this sort of thing. It’ll take a week or two, but they’ll readjust to you and to each other, and if it means they don’t have to spend several weeks in a government kennel, so much the better.

Dear Sars,

I’ve found myself in a situation lately where, every time someone
mentions just how horrible and evil the human race has become, I want
to run screaming. I just don’t agree with them.

Every day someone feels the need to inform me of the fact that we’re
all going to hell in a handbasket. Murders, terrorism, horrible acts of
depravity, they pull them all up to support their claims. It’s very hard to
argue your point when someone’s waving dead people in your face.

I agree that these things are horrible and should never have happened,
but I just can’t agree that the world is an awful place. When I look at
the world I don’t see murders and villains, I see people who are trying
to do the right thing and who genuinely care. I hope I never get to the
point where I let things that happen make me believe that humanity is a
lost cause.

But I find it really difficult to explain this to other people. They tend to
get upset and assume I’m in denial, or worse, callous about the pain of
others. I suppose I could ramble, the way I have here, but most people
won’t wait around that long to hear my point. Usually I just keep my
mouth shut.

What do you think is the best way to say this, without risking the usual
tongue-lashing?

Eternal Optimist

Dear Eternal,

I wouldn’t bother. The world is sometimes a pretty depressing place, human beings do sometimes do pretty depressing shit to one another, and if people want to get in a mood about it, whatever. Just remove yourself from the conversation gracefully and don’t let it bring you down.

Sure, you could point out that we don’t hear much good news from the media because it doesn’t sell, or that a species that produced Jackie Robinson and Mozart and, you know, their own friends must have something on the ball, but it doesn’t sound like you’ll get far, so…leave it.

I’m a high school student, and I have a bit of a problem.

Last Saturday night was a school dance. Out of the three hours I was at school, I’d say about an hour of it was spent with my friend looking for a guy (or a “man whore,” as she so fondly put it) to dance with. This shouldn’t bug me, but it does, because it sent off a lot of messages. My friend has had about six boyfriends in three years. She was recently involved in not one but two nasty break-ups (yes, she was dating two boys at the same time. She thought she’d already broken up with one of them). I cannot see why, only one week later, she would want to find another guy, since all she is doing is hurting herself. For the past years, I’ve been the one to dry her eyes and tell her everything’s going to be okay after every single break-up, and I’m getting sick of it. Also, while she seems to be really lucky in the guy department, I have never been asked out or gone on a date or anything. The way she’s always dating is like she’s rubbing it in my face. I’ve told her this, but she doesn’t listen.

Also, it gave me the impression that she didn’t want to be near me anymore. What she was basically saying was, “Help me find a guy and then get the hell away from me.” It really hurt. I was mad at her for that, and for her breakdown in the bathroom later. We’d all had crappy nights, but she made it all about not having a guy to be there with. Like that was THE most important thing in life.

I know I’ve written her out to sound like a horrible friend, but she’s not. She’s a good listener, funny, and a true person. But this thing with the guys has got to stop. I’ve tried talking with her but it isn’t working. I’m getting this close to kidnapping her, tying her to a chair, and making her listen to the speech about high school boys in Clueless so many times that I eventually brainwash her. But I’m thinking that might not work.

Heeeeeeeeeeelp.

C.

Dear C.,

I remember the annoyance of having the drama-queen “oh, so many boys, boo hoo” friend in high school, but I also remember that it mostly annoyed me because I myself had nothing going on in the boy department at the time. Not that the whole man-hunt thing isn’t irritating, because it is, or that she shouldn’t dial it down with the drama, because she should, but it sounds to me like a lot of the problems you have with her come from…you. The “rubbing it in my face” thing, for example…she’s not doing that, and you need to not put it on her.

If “this thing with the guys” bugs you, stop playing into it. Point out that, when she gets that obsessive about guys, you sort of feel like she thinks of you as a back-up, and then, if she keeps doing it, go do something else with another friend for a while, or read a magazine — just don’t deal with it.

But at the same time, while she could afford to reprioritize, you can’t really expect her not to date just to keep you company. She’s kind of immature in these matters, and it’s frustrating for you to deal with it when you keep getting passed over yourself, and I empathize, believe me, but you should distinguish between her occasional self-absorption and your own insecurities.

Hello Sars,

I need some family advice.

Here are the facts. Me: 28 years old, married to M, 29 years old. We have one
daughter, L, aged six months. My wife and I have been married for three years, but
together for almost eight.

My wife is an only child whose father left before she was born. She never
met him. Currently we are not speaking to my wife’s mother, whom we’ll call
“Gladys.” In short, Gladys is a very angry, depressed and abusive person. She
physically, emotionally, and mentally abused her daughter (now my wife)
throughout her childhood. When the physical abuse stopped, the emotional and
mental abuse continued.

When my wife and I were just “boyfriend and girlfriend” I watched this abuse
in disbelief, but did not want to get involved. I did my best to remain
respectful to Gladys while supporting M. Gladys and my wife would often go
months without talking, only to re-kindle the relationship some time later.
My wife often did so because of feelings of guilt. It was an awful pattern.

As my wife and I got more serious, moved in together and got engaged, Gladys
started pointing this abuse in my direction. Insulting my family, leaving
harassing phone messages, and generally trying her best to make our lives a
living hell. I can go into anecdotes and details but we don’t have the time.
Let’s just say that in addition to the everyday things, she has placed a
black mark on every major happy occasion in our lives, including but not
limited to our engagement party, wedding, bridal shower, and numerous
holidays…basically, if I can be an amateur psychologist for a moment,
she’s got a huge fear of being abandoned, so she creates a problem and cuts
us off before we “have a chance to.” Also, I think she may be bipolar
because she has classic symptoms of the disease — highs where she’ll buy
everything in sight and stay up for two days naking cookies, followed by
crushing lows where she’ll stay in bed for two days, depressed as hell,
popping painkillers.

So fast forward through a few years of this on-again-off-again stuff, and my wife
becomes pregnant; we are thrilled. So is Gladys. But Gladys is terrified
that she will get to know her granddaughter and then we will cut her off
(after all, that is the pattern, she just doesn’t see how she contributes).
So Gladys starts acting in very disruptive ways. Disturbing phone calls,
“jokes” about taking the baby and running for the border, extreme highs,
crushing lows, insisting that we won’t let her ever see the baby when we’ve
tried to explain to her time and time again that she will see the baby on a
regular basis.

So one day, I come home from work and my wife is terribly upset
after having been on the phone with her mother for almost three hours — so
upset that she’s had contractions. She tells me the details of the
conversation, then I listen to a number of awful phone messages from
Gladys. Disowning us in one message and then asking us about the baby shower
in the next.

I decided right then and there that her behavior is affecting me, my wife,
and now my baby. I fear that it will only get worse after the baby is born.
With my wife’s consent I call Gladys and simply say “don’t call us ever
again…we won’t call you ever again…we are tired of you bullshit.”
Gladys then calls me a drunk (I’m in AA and haven’t had a drink in six years.
Gladys has never seen me drunk).

We haven’t spoken to her since. It’s been wonderful. At least wonderful for
me.

My wife, however, recently told me that she wants to reconcile with her
mother. She feels what I can assume is only a natural, primal urge to be
with her mother as she learns to be a mother. She wants our daughter to know
her grandmother. My wife is a spiritual person and feels that she needs to
heal this relationship to grow spiritually. I respect all that. Here comes
the “but.”

But…I’m all, why the HELL would I want to invite that crazy woman back
into our lives? We tried getting along with her for eight years. We gave it
a great shot. She showed us who she was; she’s a nut. I don’t want her
within 100 feet of my daughter.

On the other hand, our priest whom we like and respect very much is urging
us to heal this relationship, in part, through family counseling. He also
feels that we must do it together. In other words, she can’t have a
relationship with her mother without me.

My wife and I have been very honest with each other. She knows where I stand
on this. We both agree that we’re not going to make any quick decisions, and
we’ll need to seek support and guidance from my family and priest before and
if we proceed with a rekindling.

What do you think, Sars? Am I right to want to keep Gladys away from my
family? Or should I support my wife in rekindling the relationship? It just
seems so black and white to me. Invite Gladys back into our lives and deal
with all that there, or keep her out and live a peaceful life. What’s your
assessment, o wise one?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

It sounds like you can speak frankly to your wife about your doubts here, and like you have, so first and foremost, continue to do that. Don’t pretend you think it’s a good idea; don’t make promises regarding the situation that you don’t feel comfortable with.

I do think it’s the best thing for everyone to keep Gladys away from your family, and here’s why. First of all, you don’t mention any significant change in Gladys herself — that she’s gone on meds, that she’s made any conciliatory contact with your wife. Based on what you’ve told me, it’s primarily M who wants to reconcile, but if Gladys is still the same person and pulling the same shit, it’s going to go the same way it did before, and I don’t see much point in going down that road, which leads me to my second reason — I would not feel good, from a safety standpoint, about giving that woman access to an infant. If your description is accurate, Gladys is a highly unstable substance abuser, and those jokes about heading for the border? Not jokes, I don’t need to tell you.

But with all of that said, M wants to give it another go, and I would support her in that, but I would also set very clear boundaries — that you will discuss it with the priest and take it under advisement, but that she shouldn’t assume you want any contact with Gladys yourself, or that you will permit any contact with your daughter, at least initially; that you might try to let Gladys back into your lives, but you have certain conditions, and if Gladys doesn’t meet them, you will both have to slam the door on her again; that, if you support your wife in this, you expect her to support you if it gets ugly, and to hold the line if you do have to cut her off again.

Just tell your wife as plainly as possible that while you do support her emotionally, and you do want to see this work out, you doubt that it’s going to happen, or should.

Dear Sars,

I completed my master’s degree in Library Science with a specialization in Youth Services a few months ago. I’ve been putting out applications as jobs came open in areas I was interested in, and I finally got a solid hit in Rhode Island (I currently live in New Mexico). So I went through the interview, and visited the New England area for the first time, where a few of my best friends are currently living, and I hated it. I thought it was dirty and depressing and couldn’t believe that people lived like that — all smooshed together like sad little sardine people.

Anyway, I got offered the job, but the benefits couldn’t compare to my current position (which is not in my field, but does pay the bills) and between the higher rent and loss in benefits I would have actually lost money, so I turned it down. I have a couple severe health problems, so benefits are very important to me. I was perfectly happy with my decision, and content, and had decided to continue my job search in Western states instead, because I kind of like being able to drive out of town and see nothing but a two-lane road and the mountains with no one around for miles.

But then the library contacted me again, asked me to reconsider my decision and offering me more money. Instead of feeling happy about this, I mostly felt like throwing up. Am I crazy to turn down a position that could get my foot in the door? Should I take the job or should I stick to my guns and keep looking?

Second question — my doctor has out me on a low-carb diet because I have PCOS, and that means I have to eat a lot of meats and cheeses and stuff, and my main problem is that it just seems like a lot of food and I don’t really like to eat very much anymore. I prefer to eat rice and pasta because it’s light, and I can’t seem to find a happy medium. Any suggestions for a wayward dieter?

Sorry for the length and the many many run-on sentences.

Thank you for your help,
Job Hunting in NM

Dear Hunting,

Unless it’s a lot more money, stick to your guns. You have good benefits now, you don’t like Rhode Island — it’s not worth it. You have the luxury of waiting until a job that really suits you opens up, so I would do that.

On the food thing, I don’t know what to tell you; if you have no appetite, you should talk to your doctor about that. If you aren’t getting enough nutrition, you should ask your doctor to recommend a dietary supplement — a multivitamin or a protein bar or an Ensure shake or something. If the food you have to eat doesn’t appeal to you, go online and hunt around for recipes that sound good or use spices to disguise the nature of the food. But if the problem is the portions, just…cut the portion sizes.

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