I moved to New City about eight months ago and became fast
friends with a guy. We were definitely just friends
at first and he helped me through homesickness by
listening to my inane stories and hearing about
friends I left behind. A lot. After a few months, we
started dating. It’s the best relationship I’ve been
in: strong, intelligent, and fun. There’s just one
little catch.

Since Guy and I started off just as friends, I was
comfortable telling him all my ridiculous stories,
which did include some more-than-just-friendly
encounters with the friends I still keep in contact
with. He thinks these stories are amazing and just
add to the person he feel in love with, but that’s in
theory. I still talk to these home friends (and they
know about him as well), and it sets him on edge a
little. Not in the domineering “I’ll tell you who you
can and cannot talk to” bad-Lifetime-movie way, but in
the “wow, the last time I was safely promiscuous and
flirty with my friends was really long ago, and for
you it was…not even a year. I don’t talk to my exes
and you still do” way. (I met him as he was ending a
very long relationship.)

So, I thought that this would just be one of those
small hiccups that would die away as the communication
between my home friends and me dissipated, or when
somehow Guy and them met (when? how? I dunno.). BUT.

One of my friends with whom I shared the most
explicit sex-friend relationships with is moving here,
probably within the month. He’s in the military and
will be stationed for the next few months and then
leaving the country for an undefined amount of time,
but probably years. I haven’t told Boy yet, but I
will; there’s no way I’d hide this from him. My
question is: should they meet? I mean, they know of
each other, but to actually see each other? (Military
Boy has made passive-aggressive comments: “Is it okay
that I talk to you now that you’re taken?” and has
tapered-off the once-weekly phone calls to once a
month since I told him about Guy.) Or should I keep
my two worlds physically separate, though they aren’t
since they know of one another?

Granted, Military Boy isn’t a very close friend, but a
friend nonetheless. I haven’t seen him in almost a
year and now he’ll be less than two hours away. I
know that Guy will tell me to see him, that “it’s
fine, really,” and he’ll mean it, but there’ll be some
awkwardness. I am an extremely faithful person and
very much in love with Guy, so there’s no risk of
anything “happening,” I just don’t want to add
unnecessary stress onto an already vulnerable spot.

Any insight would be so welcome!

Such a Thing as “Too Honest…”

I write to you seeking the wisdom and knowledge of the
ages… For the last 14 years I’ve been tormented by
a demon from the depths of unspeakable hell. Okay,
it’s not quite that dramatic but still feels
compelling nonetheless.

At 32 years old and the precipitous cusp of either
normalcy or daring to achieve something more than
ordinary, I’m paralyzed with fear and inaction. I
completed my MBA about a year ago and took a promotion
to a new city. The job rocks! It pays well with nice
benefits and the responsibilities are manageable if
challenging in a very good way.

What’s the problem, you ask? I have no life outside
of work: no buddies, girlfriend, or dog. My nearest
family is eight hours away by car and work travel frequently
precludes visits anyway. I can grudgingly live with
this under the pretext of building my career.

However, in talking with more experienced colleagues
and other older workers, I’m having doubts about
working for The Man. I realize those feedback may be
a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by skewed
statistical samples, but there’s a restless element in
me that keeps popping up to say, you can be greater.
Be a company founder. Meaningfully change the lives
of masses. On the other, it’s comfortable and edgy
enough in my current situation.

Is the horn of my dilemma clear? Please tell me, Oh
Sparkly and Red One, what ever shall I do?

Yours in servitude,
Can’t think of a cool pen name

I would like your input about this, please. Players involved: A small group of female friends/acquaintances who I haven’t known for that long (about a year)…one of them is named “Stacy.” Stacy is the ringleader of the group. I’ll call this group “Stacy and the gang.” Next player — a friend, “George,” who I’ve also only known for a short time. He’s complained to me in the past that he doesn’t get to go out as much as he would like. I’m closer to “George” than I am with Stacy and the gang. About a month ago, I introduced George to Stacy and the gang, and George developed a crush on Stacy. George met Stacy and the gang only once.

The situation: Stacy and the gang were planning on going out for an event at Bar A in the city one evening. They invited me along, but I already made plans for dinner. However, I mentioned that I could join them later if they were still planning on staying out after the event (which was ending at 10). I definitely was in the mood that night for going out to a bar, away from the suburbs where I live. George called me earlier the day of the event, and I mentioned the gang’s plans, indicating that Stacy was going. George decides he wants to go, so I check with Stacy about this, and I give George Stacy’s number so that they could get things arranged.

After my dinner that day, at around 10:30 PM, I called Stacy and asked if I should make my way to the bar, emphasizing that it would take me about an hour on public transportation to get there. Stacy said yes, and mentioned that they were planning on heading towards Bar B at the other side of town, and they probably wouldn’t get there for another hour. With the plans defined, I made the lengthy trip by subway to the station by Bar B. When I got there at about 11:30, I found the gang at the stop, as they also had just arrived at the station. Stacy right away tells me that they changed their minds about Bar B, and that they were all tired and only wanted to sit down, eat, and leave early. As we started walking towards a nice lounge I suggested that served food, Stacy kept on mentioning going to some fast-food places. However, these places didn’t have enough seating for all of us, and within 15 minutes after my arrival, the decision was made to end the night out and go home, back to the suburbs. Yet again, I had to hop on the subway for the hour-long trip back home.

Sars, I was really upset about this. Clearly, from the phone conversation I had with Stacy before leaving the suburbs, I was given no indication that it was going to be an early night for the gang. The fact that they were traveling across town to go to Bar B did not insinuate this. If there had been any hint that the gang was tired, I would not have bothered going out that night. I was hurt that they didn’t consider the time it took me to get into the city, or even apologize for this. If I were on the other side of the situation, I would have stayed out in the town with my friend for just a bit longer, considering the time and trouble the friend took in going out, regardless of my mood.

I didn’t tell Stacy and the gang that I was upset and I tried to hide my feelings about the matter. But when George and I were alone on the train, I told George how hurt I was about it. George could not sympathize and told me that I had to consider that the gang already had their night and I was just starting my night. George told me I should have been more understanding of the fact that they were all tired. When I told George that I was surprised he took their side about the situation, he told me he had to “side with reason.”

Sars, please tell me, is this enough of a deal-breaker to come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t try to maintain friendships with these people (Stacy and the gang, and George)? Do you think that I shouldn’t be hurt by this and that I wasn’t being reasonable as George suggested? Should I not at all be bothered by what happened?

Also, I feel as if George in some way betrayed me. I thought that I was being a good friend to him, and considering that it was through me that he got to go out with Stacy and the gang, I would have hoped that he would have been just as considerate about me in return. Is George a good friend?

Please let me know what are appropriate feelings to have about this. Thank you.

Disappointed by “Friends”

Some lesbian drama that I would like your advice on, as you often surprise
me when I read your column. I have a close friend whom I’ve known for
about three years, “D.” We are both very dependable, and tend to rely on
each other for practical, day-to-day things that you need friends for in
life. She has introduced me to people as one of her “best friends” and
has expressed in the past that she feels we have a “great relationship.”
That being said, I don’t think we’re terribly compatible or connected
emotionally, but I’ve always really liked hanging out with her, and have
found her kind and generous. I think she thinks the same of me.

Problem: about a year and a half ago she started dating this person, “H,”
who ended up being insanely jealous, of every friend at first, but then
just of me mostly. It was very difficult for me to hear about how they
fought about the time D spent with me (which was less than once a week),
or how H demanded D tell her every time she called me and literally, how
many minutes each conversation lasted (which was usually less than ten).
H refused to spend any time getting to know me, and eventually refused to
be in the same room with me. She decided we were sleeping together — we
hadn’t even entertained the idea. It all seemed crazy and irrational —
she didn’t even know me. I felt disappointed in my friend D as well, I
didn’t think she should be telling me all these details, and wondered if
she was getting something out of all the drama. Then H and I ran into
each other in the supermarket one day and I was on the receiving end
(verbally) of her delusional rage. I started crying and had to leave my
groceries and run out. Shortly thereafter, they broke up — I was very
relieved.

Now, nine months pass and they get back together, D doesn’t tell me at
first, but I find out eventually. I feel hurt and betrayed — how could
she choose H a second time after what happened the first time? D acts as
though I shouldn’t be upset and can’t see how disrespectful of me her
choice is. She says I need to “get over” my problems with H — like I
somehow caused them! She says she’s not going to make a choice between
the two of us and that I shouldn’t throw away our friendship. She no
longer talks about her relationship with H with me, because I don’t let
her. I’ve hardly seen her in two months and when I have I just feel
miserable and worthless, she acts like nothing has changed.

I guess I wouldn’t feel so bad if she hadn’t convinced me that I was an
important friend to her. Now I don’t know what to do, or I just don’t
want to do what I think I need to do, which is not see her anymore. Or am
I being the drama queen?

Thanks,
Confused and Depressed

It’s 5 AM and I can’t sleep, so I’m writing you because your
advice is wonderful.

My boyfriend works as a freelancer at a lab that is moving to another state.
He’s only been there for two months, but he does very specific work and he’s
valuable. Yesterday the head of the lab asked him to apply for a job to go
with them in about four months when they make the move. We’re talking huge
opportunity for him, this is a seriously state-of-the-art, privately funded
medical research lab. If he gets the job (he probably will), I’d go with
him. His boss even mentioned that I’d have no problem finding a job in or
around this new place since it’s one of the fastest growing counties in the
country.

I’ve been in my position (my first office job) for two years now and I’ve
become very valuable to the company. I’m in that sticky situation where I’m
the only person who can do the job with any reliability. That being said, I
don’t particularly like my job, and just landed in it because it was the
first thing I got after dropping out of college with about a year left to go
(serious depression got in the way of schoolwork, but has since abated,
thanks in part to having a steady job). I like almost everyone there, except
of course, my supervisor and my office manager, the two most important
people. They have made sure to let me know that they want me around for the
long haul, and I’ve let them think that that’s what I wanted, too, because I
needed the job.

How do I tell people that I might be leaving my position? I’ve never had to
quit a job before and it’s really nerve-wracking. How do you find a new job
in a new state? My office is positively catty when it wants to be (often)
and I know that my leaving would be taken badly by quite a few people. I
don’t know how to ask for references from people who were hoping I would
take their positions when they get promoted.

I get VERY nervous speaking to
my immediate superiors about anything. I vomited before asking for more
money on two separate occasions, though I got it both times. I don’t know
if I can handle sitting down with the two people I relate to least (my
supervisor and manager) and telling them that I’m leaving and hey, can they
help me find a new job? My friends at work will write wonderful references,
probably, but how much do they count if they aren’t your direct superiors?
Is it reasonable to expect good references from your bosses when you quit a
job? We have offices all over the country and they’ve helped people they
didn’t need as badly transfer before, but how do I know if they’d help me
the same way? When do I mention that I might be leaving? I don’t want them
to start replacing me until I’m sure that I’m going, but four months isn’t a
long time to find a new job, is it? I don’t want to work with people who
resent me for months before leaving, but I need to train a new person if I
leave, so I’d need to tell them well in advance.

I’m just totally clueless
about how to exit my position and how to find a new one. I try not to stir
shit up at work, I don’t like to make waves and piss people off in general,
so I’m pretty freaked just imagining the office dynamics after announcing
that I’m leaving. My friends at work will be pissed if I don’t tell them
that I’m thinking of leaving, but it doesn’t seem wise to mention it because
I have never seen a more gossipy place in my life (including junior high)
and I’m sure it would get around to everyone in less than a week, including
my bosses. I mentioned before that having a steady job helped me out of
depression, so that’s another reason I’m scared to start over, but my
boyfriend is a wonderful support, so I’m not as avoidant as I could be. We
don’t even know if we’re going yet, but four months doesn’t seem like a lot
of time to get ready when I won’t know for sure until he applies and hears
back. I’m sorry if this is a jumble, I just can’t get my thoughts straight.

If you can find anything to respond to in this letter, please help.

So Glad You’ve Already Written About Relocating Cats