To avoid future claimants of “I thought he was a jerk, but maybe he’s
just autistic,” you may want to clarify a few things about Asperger’s.

Autism isn’t just poor social skills/learning disabilities. In fact,
many people with Asperger’s have an easier time with fact-based
recollection. The best description of Asperger’s effect on the human
brain has to do with the way the brain differentiates between “object”
and “creature.”

If a given “normal” person were to go through a face recognition task,
a certain part of their brain would “light up (the fusiform gyrus).”
If they were to go through an object recognition task, a separate
section of their brain would light up.

Many autistics only access the “object recognition” section of their
brain in both tasks. They see the human face no differently than they
see a telephone, a light switch, or a pencil. They cannot assign
characteristics of differentiation to facial features.

In addition, they have difficulties dealing with gestures. If you were
to point at something and say “I like that picture” in an art gallery,
it would be difficult for an autistic to determine what you were
discussing, as the gesture of pointing has no meaning. If you were to
say “I like the third picture in from the right side of a duck” they
would immediately determine which picture you were talking about
(assuming they were high-functioning). It is as if their mental
portrait of a human is a rigid, static fixture.

A great description of this can be found here.

As mentioned earlier, another commonality among people with Asperger’s
is a fascination with things of a factual nature. Generally, this
demonstrates in very constrained topical interests, but a startling
depth of knowledge in those interests. I.e., a child may be fascinated
with animals and be able to recite to you the mating and eating
habits, preferred climate, et cetera associated with entire kingdoms and
classes, but be unable to identify the American flag. Asperger’s is
also known as Savant Syndrome for this reason, though the term has
fallen out of use. Cite here.

High-Functioning Autism is generally a bit different than this (not as
significant motor skill deficits, et cetera).

In the case of the BF with suspected Asperger’s, if he kisses her, if
they hold hands, if he recognizes her smiling, and was never diagnosed
with Asperger’s until now…chances are he may just be an asshole.

Best,
My Sister has a Degree in Cognitive Neuropsych, but Somehow my Poli
Sci Degree Qualified Me to be the One who Studies the Brain

I could really use your advice on how to deal with a problem that I’ve had with my dad for awhile now.

The problem is he uses “presents” and “favours” as bribes. Either it’s advance payment to make up for him being a jerk later, or it’s an attempt to buy my forgiveness and/or silence at the end of a fight.

After an argument, he’ll buy something for me, and expect me to forgive him. Once in awhile he’ll just quietly set down some actual cash beside me. It’s not that these are peace offerings, because that I can deal with. This stuff seems intended to shut me up about what I’m upset about, because when I try to discuss with him the actual problem, even when I’m apologizing for my part in it, he won’t listen, acts like he did nothing wrong, and sometimes mentions the “present.” Oh, and on at least one occasion he’s said, “Do I have to give you another X dollars before you’ll let this go?” I’m not really the grudge-holding kind. When I talk to him about stuff we were fighting over, I want to make sure that everyone is on the same page about whatever it was. I try very hard to be calm and understanding when I’m doing this, because he’s easily provoked, and I genuinely do want to know if there’s anything I can do to improve the situation.

He cleans, cooks sometimes, and runs minor errands for people. Which is nice and all, and my sister, mom, and I appreciate it, and thank him. However, he uses the fact that he does these things whenever someone calls him out on being rude, or inconsiderate. I’ll ask him to quit cutting off my sister when she’s talking (he’s got hearing problems, so he often doesn’t realize when he’s doing it), and he’ll start railing about, “Who cleaned the kitchen last night? Who drove your sister to her music lesson so you could see a movie with your friend?”

The thing is, no one asks him to do these things. He offers, and never asks for anything in return. At the time. Later he expects other people to ignore his condescension, and veiled insults. Besides, everybody else cleans, cooks, and runs errands in our house. When we do trade for these favours, it’s upfront and comparable in value. I’ll clean up cat vomit if my sister takes out the garbage, et cetera. So these transparent attempts to make me feel guilty just piss me off.

When he gives me stuff after we fight, it makes me feel cheap, dirty, and disrespected. It’s like he’s trying to buy me off, and, well, I’m NOT FOR SALE. I’m wary of accepting any kind of favour from him because I know it will be thrown back in my face later. He becomes really upset when I’ve refused the after-argument bribes, saying that I’m ungrateful, rude, and hurtful.

Sometimes he acts apologetic and swears up and down he’ll never-ever-ever do that again. I don’t even bother pretending I believe him anymore because I’ve heard this a million times before. I work around his other eccentricities but this one has me puzzled.

Okay, I swear I didn’t write just to complain. What I want to know is, how should I react to this? Am I overreacting? I’m going to be living at home for the next few summers, but I’m not here during the school year, so should I just smile and act nice while I’m at home so as not to create any problems? I’ve been giving the bribes to my sister, but should I take them so as not to offend him, or refuse them immediately? Should I refuse all favours offered by him, or simply point out when he tries to guilt me, that he offered and cleaning the kitchen doesn’t give him a license to be an asshole? Is this kind of behaviour normal? He does this with everyone in my family and they all hate it, but no one is really sure how to deal with it without causing World War III.

Thanks,
Five Bucks Doesn’t Cover It

I’m looking for some advice on how to handle an issue with an old friend. We’ve been close friends since college and we’re probably more like sisters than friends. I go on vacations with her and her sisters, she’s considered family by my family. We talk on the phone two or three times a week and have done so for 20 years.

Her highest priority has always been work; she was raised with a very strong work ethic. She has been with the same company for 20 years, moving up from a minion to managing a multi-million dollar budget and large staff. In 20 years she has taken 1.5 sick days (not exaggerating) and calls in and checks emails while on vacation. Over the years one might say she was obsessed with work, but it was okay since we were young, and striving to get ahead was normal.

She has always put her full intellectual concentration into her work. She keeps up on current events but her main interests are reading trashy novels and watching movies. She says she likes those hobbies because they are her only outlet for relaxation and turning her mind off work. Even when planning vacations she always says, “You do the research, you decide, just tell me when to write the check, all I care about is getting away.” (Even for our trip to Europe she had no interest in doing the research.) Over the years our conversations have mostly revolved around her job and my giving advice.

So this has all been fine, it’s just her. All of our other friends have felt the same -– she really needs to get over that work thing, but whatever. But as we’re getting older, it gets harder and harder to deal with. It has been years since I said, “How are you?” and she said anything besides, “Okay,” or “I’m tired.” I can’t remember the last time she seemed to have any joy in her, or just burst out laughing at something silly. The biggest problem for me is that she has fallen into a habit of treating everything I am interested in with disdain or outright hostility.

She laughs when I mention anything about politics, even though it’s my passion. If I tell her some activity I’m doing that’s the least bit intellectual (going to a book fair, taking a class) she laughs and says, “WHY would you do THAT?” I participate in on an online message board and have made several friends around the world that I stay in contact with through it; she thinks this is the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. We both struggle with our weight, although I work out and try to take care of my health. But when I talk to her about exercise or vitamins or some article I read on a health issue she brushes it off or acts like I’m preaching to her. (And while I have tried to convince her many times over the years to get some exercise, sometimes it’s just something I want to talk about.) Getting my legs waxed, having my hair colored, researching a new interest, reading a nonfiction book, you name it, she thinks it’s a foolish waste of time or that I’m being a snob. (Once she called me a snob for saying I preferred half and half in my coffee and hated Cremora!)

The culmination of this has been that she recently suffered from a stress-related illness. She says that this has “scared” her and she’s not going to let work “get to” her the way she has in the past. The problem with this is that I think she’s been focused on work for so long that she’s forgotten what it means to be curious about other things. Even during her illness she did no research on it or how she could prevent it from happening again, and she laughs outright at my urging her to take vitamins or talk to her doctor about protecting her health. (“Doctors don’t do that! Bwah!”)

So, it’s a two-part problem. First is MY problem that her disdain for my interests hurts me deeply. The second part is that I think that disdain is a manifestation of her lack of interest in life outside of work. Her mind is either “on” (work) or it’s “off” (reading trashy novels or watching movies). She’s a “do it right or don’t it at all” kind of person, and I think that prevents her from experimenting with new interests or learning new things. I think her lack of interest in my interests is some sort of defense mechanism or maybe it’s just a reflex reaction related to her overall stubbornness. But there’s a line between stubborn and self-destructive, and she’s close to crossing it.

I don’t know how to talk to her about this. I don’t want it to turn into an “I don’t laugh at you! You’re too sensitive! You’re always such a know-it-all!” conversation. (She does, I can be, and sometimes I am.) I just want to point out to her that she does this, that it hurts me, and that I want her to think about WHY she does it because I know in my heart she doesn’t think I’m shallow or stupid (and in fact she often scolds me for saying that I think other people are smarter or better educated than I am). We aren’t the kind of friends who talk about our deepest darkest thoughts –- we’ve known each other forever and we just kind of glide along on a sea of unconditional acceptance. But it’s gotten to a point where I’m scared to say anything to her about anything for fear of the derision or that I sound like I’m preaching. We live on opposite sides of the country, so it’s not like I can just say let’s have dinner and talk this out.

I’d appreciate your thoughts.

Sign me,
Wish I Was as Wise as Sars

This isn’t a very convoluted or unusual problem, but I would like to get your advice. I recently graduated from college, and my birthday is coming up. I wanted to have a party and invite my college friends, as well as some older friends. Problem is, my college friends recently had a falling-out and they don’t all get along. More specifically, there is one girl (I’ll call her “Jane”) whom everyone else basically hates. They get annoyed by her and try to avoid her. One of my other friends completely “broke off” her friendship with Jane.

I, on the other hand, am friends with all these people and would like to see them all for my birthday. Jane is still pretty vulnerable about the fact that her former friends dislike her now. Even though I hope everyone would try to get along for my sake, Jane has a tendency to wallow in self-pity, and I suspect she will be unable to refrain from bringing up her frustration with my other friends, in a self-pitying kind of way.

So my question is: Should I get everyone together or not? I want to see them all (and get presents!), but at the same time, I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable with each other. Is it fair to ask people to tolerate each other for my sake? If so, to what extent?

Thanks for listening, and I look forward to your response.
Shelly

I have never completely understood the editorial term “sic.” For a long time, I thought it stood for “Spelled In-Correctly” (alternative: “Spelling Incorrect”), however, I now see that “sic” is also used when the statement(s) preceeding the appellation are grammatically incorrect, or wrong in any other fashion.

I’m guessing that “sic” is an abbreviation of some Latin phrase; such as “etc” is an abbreviation of “et cetera.”

Please help me!

Dictionaries Are Useful, But Not Informative