The Vine: March 17, 2010
So, I need some advice on something I’ve been thinking about for a while.
Four and a half years ago my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. And I took it really, really hard. I immediately got into an abusive rebound relationship, I tried to kill myself twice, and I would flip between being comatose, to being unable to stop crying on the bus/at work/while grocery shopping, to being drunk and manic and pretending everything was okay. I was pretty messed up to put it mildly.
Fortunately, the abusive relationship lasted less than a year before I stopped seeing him and started seeing a really good psychiatrist. And now I’m years removed from that drama and the first ex is just a bittersweet memory, the abusive ex is ancient history, I’m living with a really great guy, and things are going really well in all other aspects of my life. Basically, I’m good. My problem, then, is this:
In the months after the initial break-up, my best-friend-since-we-were-14 was there for me. We live in separate cities and every day I would call him and he would talk to me for hours while I cried over the phone. But after almost exactly six months of phone calls where I would either cry about my ex or cry about my new abusive boyfriend, he gave up on me completely.
His last email to me said (verbatim), “if all you have is bitterness and negativity then i hazard to say that we DONT have anything further to say to each other, i have far too much stress in my life to want to engage in a friendship that only adds more. i am neither insensitive nor insecure, i am merely protective of my time and how i spend it and dont relish the thought of endless arguments over the phone with someone who seems only hell bent on sharing her misery.”
To be fair, I was hell-bent on sharing my misery. I hated the abusive relationship I’d gotten into and didn’t know how to get out of, I hated my life without my ex, I hated myself, etc. etc. etc. At the time of the break-up my ex and I had been living in a new city where I didn’t have any friends, and my family had earlier disowned me for religious reasons of their own, so because he was my only friend, he was the one I leaned on completely. (My sister’s response when I called to tell her of the break up and my new phone number? “What did you expect? You weren’t married.”)
I realize the stress of dealing with someone as depressed as I was is a lot to take on, so intellectually I understand how he would want out of that kind of a friendship. But emotionally, all I can wonder is why he abandoned his best friend when she was suicidal and self-destructive!
So we haven’t spoken or called or emailed or sent any texts in years. And I was fine with that, mostly I was too busy working on feeling better and then starting my new life with my partner to even notice he’s not around anymore.
But for the past year or so I’ve been thinking about him. And I’m thinking of contacting him again, maybe friend him on Facebook or something, but I hesitate to because 1) I don’t want to “lose face” by being the one contacting him when he was the one who took off when I needed him the most; 2) I don’t know if I could ever trust him again and think maybe no friendship is preferable to a superficial one where I never confide in him again if something is bothering me; and 3) maybe wanting to contact him again is just nostalgia sneaking up on me since I’m turning 30 soon.
What do you think? Should I email him? Or just let it go?
HR
Dear HR,
I’d just let it go, and here’s why: it doesn’t sound like you want the friendship itself back in your life. You didn’t say you miss it, or him; you just say you’ve been thinking about him, and that your first concern is whether you’d “lose face” doesn’t indicate to me that you’ve really let the feelings of hurt and betrayal go.
I think what you really want is closure in the form of an apology. I can’t really predict whether he’d respond to your reaching out by saying he’s sorry for pushing you away. I can tell you that reproducing his kiss-off note verbatim probably means you aren’t as far “removed” from the drama of that time as you think. Your general tone is one of resentment; think about how that might go if you try to contact him.
Think about what you want out of emailing him, and if it doesn’t involve moving forward with a friendship, versus conducting an angry postmortem on what happened, leave it where it is.
Hi Sars,
Recently, I’ve found myself in an escalating custody battle over my two cats and would really appreciate your bullshit-free advice. Please tell me if I’m being an unreasonable asshole or not.
Here’s the back story: my cats are two four-year-old littermates, whom I adopted at 8 weeks. I was fully prepared for the lifetime commitment that comes when you adopt animals. Because, like you’ve said in the past, pets are family, too. Simply stated, my girls are the shit. They are very social and affectionate (even with total strangers), an unending source of entertainment and are each other’s best friend.
A few months ago, I moved from Michigan to Las Vegas. My mother has been nice enough to let the girls stay with her during the interim. Moving them to the other side of the country is going to be stressful enough for them (and me…), so I want the transition to be as easy as possible. My boyfriend and I bought a house and are in the process of tearing out carpet, replacing cabinets, etc., so I don’t want to bring them into a total war zone.
For the last couple years, my mother has also been caring for my 95-year-old grandma, who is approaching the final stages of dementia/Alzheimer’s disease. She has caretakers for Grandma who are there almost round-the-clock, but it’s still understandably stressful and frustrating for her.
My mother also has a wee bit of a martyr complex. I won’t delve too deeply into that, for fear of turning this into the Great American Novel, but it’s definitely a key factor in this issue.
At this point, I should mention that I have no brothers or sisters, and that I’m approaching 30 with a quickness. My parents divorced when I was 14, and my mother has no other family other than myself and my grandma. Since moving out on my own, both of my apartments have been about 30-45 minutes away from my mom’s house. So even though I’m an adult, I still do feel a significant amount of guilt for moving so far away when my mom doesn’t have anyone. But at the same time…she’s a big girl who shouldn’t expect her adult daughter to not live her own life.
Over the past few weeks, when I talk about my upcoming plans to collect the cats, she makes statements “in passing” about how “the cats are my WORLD. I just don’t know what I’d do without them.” Or, “The cats are the ONLY things that keep me going.” Or my favorite, “If you want to see the girls, you can come home and visit them. They don’t need to move to Las Vegas.” To which I respond, “Hey, don’t turn this into a guilt trip! I refuse to get into a bitter custody battle over them. What’s going to happen when I have kids?” I started off saying it somewhat jokingly, but now I’m getting more and more NOT joking.
Then came the kicker: I got an email from my mom’s best friend last week, completely out of the blue. To be fair, I consider Sue (name changed) to be my other mom. Known her my whole life, her daughter is a month younger than me so we grew up together, blah blah friendshipcakes. The email started out as a standard “miss you, hope things are going well, here’s an update of what’s going on with us.” Then came the last paragraph, talking about how “Your mom is so happy that your cats are staying with her. She is so attached to them! They are the only things that are keeping her going! Take care! Love, Sue.”
Oh, HELL no.
I feel like I’m being bullied into giving the cats to my mom, but…they’re MY cats. I didn’t adopt them to just hand them over to another owner after a few years. I’m still planning to get the cats in about a month. Sars, am I being an asshole for wanting to do so?
I’ve tried talking to her about it like, you know, adults, but all I end up getting is passive-aggressive crap. My boyfriend and I are fully prepared to extract them Elian Gonzales-style if need be (and we haven’t entirely ruled out SWAT team assistance).
Then again, my mom really is going through a hard time taking care of my grandma. And (God forbid) once Grandma’s gone, my mom really will have no one. I don’t want to give up the cats, but if it’s the right thing to do, then I’ll suck it up. Should I just give in and let my mom have them? Or get her kittens of her very own? Or get myself a set of replacement cats?
I never thought I would miss the pitter-pat of the poo gallop
Dear Gallop,
Well, you’re “right,” of course, but this is one of those times where you can be right, or you can be happy.
You don’t mention that your mother doesn’t take proper care of the cats; you don’t say that she’s careless of them, lets them wander outside, whatever, so I assume that she’s conscientious about them and loves them. They don’t cause her any problems or seem unhappy there, that you’ve said. You just don’t want to give in.
I realize that this is beyond annoying. I realize that sometimes you really just want the other person to see that she’s being presumptuous and passive-aggressive, to get it. Yes, you miss your cats, too, but: “they’re MY cats.” I think this is as much about the “my” as it is about the “cats.”
Like I said, you’re “right.” She “shouldn’t” have offered to care for them if she thought she’d get too attached to let them go, and if that’s what’s happened, she “should” discuss it with you like an adult and work on a solution. She isn’t going to do this, and if you decide, “correctly,” that that gives you license to kidnap the cats back from her, you will have to hear the sighing and weeping and little digs about it until one of you is in the grave, and I am telling you, it isn’t worth it. If the cats gave a shit, maybe, but they don’t.
Craft a statement to your mom along the lines of, “You know, I was thinking — it’s probably easier just to leave the cats with you. They seem really happy; it’s great that you’ve bonded with them, and less upheaval for them is probably best. Would you be all right with that?” Something that makes it out like this was your idea. I know, I know, it’s galling, but seriously, the cats don’t care, it gets your mother off your back, she has the companionship — and there’s no shortage of cats who need homes. You adopt another pair and get to enjoy the kittenhood phase again; everybody wins.
“No, SHE wins, AND I’M SICK OF IT.” Right, but if you don’t let her win, you will lose even worse, and remember, you live in Vegas now and you don’t really have to deal with this on an everyday basis as much. If the cats are being properly seen to, leave them to her. You can see them at the holidays.
And the next time you move: kennel. Just saying.
Dear Sars,
I hate that I’m writing to you over something I feel is very trivial, but obviously if it was trivial I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
I’m a guy and have a friend who is a girl, who I will call S. We are both in the same graduate school program and have become friends over the past few months. I’m new to the area and have a bit of difficulty integrating myself into groups very well, so becoming friends with S was nice. She’s a great girl and we get along well.
The problem is that S is sucking me dry. I literally feel like she is sucking the life force out of me with her constant texting. She recently had a bad break-up with her boyfriend, J, and saw that I am easy to talk to, as well as being a guy, so I fit into the void that was left. She’ll send me 5 or 6 messages in a row before I can respond, going on and on about her break-up (I’ve told her to try to not do that because it makes responding difficult).
She’ll call me just to talk about how she doesn’t know what to do. Now that she’s met with him since the break-up, they’ve become fuck-buddies, which has caused her to become even more confused and text me even more. I have no problem with people coming to me for help (I’m currently getting my Masters in Counseling, so yeah…) but since she’s a friend and not a client, I’m having difficulty in setting up boundaries.
I’ve tried to get her to see my counselor which didn’t pan out because of insurance issues, and I’ve told her that she needs to talk to a professional or someone more experienced in dating relationships, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. Last week she texted me asking if I would meet with her and hold her, since she needed to be held by a guy and I’m “non-threatening.” I told her I appreciated the thought, but it wasn’t a good idea. I don’t think she’s attracted to me physically but I think that emotionally she is.
I’d stop responding more often but she’s the only friend I really have down here that I hang out with, because most of my friends in my program are girls with boyfriends so they aren’t as willing to hang out with me. I’m worried that I’m walking a fine line between being helpful to both S and cutting off my social life. I really do enjoy being around her but it’s really becoming overwhelming.
It’s also frustrating because she’s told me they plan on getting back together once J has worked through some of his issues and he’s told her he doesn’t like her to have guy friends, so that means she’ll text me in secret like before they broke up and I will only see her in class, or I’ll completely become irrelevant. I’ve never met J, but they apparently got into fights about her texting me and he flipped out because she was in a car that dropped me off at my apartment, accusing her of being in my apartment.
One of the things S is waiting for J to work on is maturing, but ultimately I don’t think he’s a good guy for her but that isn’t my business. I’ve told her my opinion and she’s going to do what she wants to do. I’m well aware of my position if they get back together.
So my question is how do I set up boundaries and distance myself from her clinging to me while still maintaining a friendship? I don’t want to do anything that’s going to cause more damage to her since she’s obviously hurting and confused.
Thanks for your help,
Precariously Positioned Future Counselor
Dear Counselor,
Echoes of the first letter, eh what?
I don’t see much of a friendship here, frankly. I have a little notebook that I’ve written quotations down in since college, which is pretty Smurfy of me, but also handy in terms of providing a record of things I found insightful over the years. I was just updating it earlier today and I saw this quotation from Norberto Felix-Cruz:
In jail, I wondered what a friend is, and what it means to trust. But maybe it’s just, when you tell the story of yourself, you don’t have to leave things out.
Different friendships “do” different things, of course, but what I see here isn’t really that bond or commonality by which most of us would define friendships. I see two people using each other: she’s using you as a sounding board and a seat-filler and a…I don’t even know what to call that “can you hold me” business. A hug-bot? I get that she’s having a hard time, but it’s not appropriate; I see her delivering a series of oh-woe monologues and not asking about or listening to you.
And then you’re using her just to say you have a friend, even though you’re 1) tired of/out by her, and 2) well aware that if she gets back together with this douche, you’re out on your ass. And that’s not friendship. That’s two people talking past each other because they don’t have any better options.
But you actually do. First, set firm boundaries with S. Enough with the manic texting; don’t respond right away, and if she’s peppering you with half a dozen in a row, remind her that you discussed this and you’re not an audience member. When you hit minute 20 of her banging on about J, change the subject, and if she’s resisting, end the call, get up for another cup of coffee, whatever. Start inserting reminders into your interactions that other people have problems, or would just like to discuss television for five minutes.
Second, put yourself in situations where you can make other friends. Go to events. Join groups. You mention that you have difficulty integrating yourself into group situations, but everyone does on some level; you have to give it some time, and you can’t do that if S is monopolizing all your free time.
I don’t think she’s a bad person, but you’ve taught her how to treat you, and she’ll keep doing it unless she’s shown that it will no longer fly. You don’t seem to think you deserve better, friendship-wise, and you do. Start expecting it. You could make up your life story, this woman wouldn’t know the difference. Find friends who care about you.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships the fam
Why can’t Gallop take a visit to see her mom, and take a field trip to the local shelter and pick her mom up a pair of kittens of her own? If her mom can take care of Gallop’s two adult cats, she can get two kittens or grown cats of her own and Gallop can take hers back without the guilt trip. Save two more cats, everyone gets kitties to love, win-win?
poo gallop:
Why not get your mom her own cats? Kittens even, so that she is distracted by “awwwwwww,” and won’t even notice that the full-sized ones have gone to another time zone.
Gallop, I disagree with Sars this time. In terms of your long-term relationship with your mother, I don’t think this comes down to “right” vs. “happy.” For one, you’re certainly not going to be happy with the outcome of not having your cats, and in fact, you may end up resenting your mother if you let her keep them. Second, she’s a grown-up, and should come to terms with the fact that this was a temporary situation, and it’s coming to an end. She may make snide or passive-aggressive comments for awhile, but I bet she’ll let it go eventually if it’s hurting her relationship with you.
If she wants cats that badly, take her to a shelter when you come home to retrieve your cats. Pick up a pair of new cats, or kittens if she’s up to that, and wish them all well. Though your mother is going through a tough time, and she agreed to do you a favor, that doesn’t mean she should keep the cats just because she loves them now. You also love them, and raised them for four years, and giving them to her seems like an unequal solution, and one that could hurt you more than it helps her.
Re: counselor. Lots of universities have free counseling services. Given that you’re a counseling student, maybe you’ve already looked into that, but worth a shot if not.
Gallop, a similar thing happened to me. I moved back in with my parents between college and grad school and my cats moved with me. My mom fell in love with one of them, and admittedly, he adored her back. She joked about keeping them, but it was clear that she wasn’t really joking. While it was hard, I opted to let her keep them both (I couldn’t separate them), and I adopted two more kittens. Mom was so thankful that since I had had the first two cats neutered and paid for all their kitten shots, she paid for my two new cats. It was hard leaving my guys behind, but they have a great home (I still get e-mails about their antics), they’re happy, she’s happy, and best of all, I was able to rescue two more cats from the shelter and give them a good home.
Second, she’s a grown-up, and should come to terms with the fact that this was a temporary situation, and it’s coming to an end.
I agree that she should, but…she isn’t, and based on the history alluded to, she may never. I’m all for putting feet down with people, but sometimes, struggling towards “should be” means you aren’t dealing with “is” and going on to something else.
Gallop loves the cats, it’s not “fair,” etc., but a lot of custody battles aren’t about the dependents themselves, and I think that’s the case here.
I disagree with Sars here too – maybe for the first time ever!
Gallop, speak to your mom about getting her some cats of her own. Maybe even visit her then go to a shelter and take one on a playdate to your mom’s home. That way, she gets a pet she can be emotionally attached to, you don’t end up resenting her, you both get kitties. Everybody wins.
I don’t think this is some sort of passive-aggressive immature “but they’re MINE” thing – they’re your pets, they’re your family. You wouldn’t give your children to your mom just because they were helping her cope. Why would you give up your furry kids?
To HR – If things were as bad as you say, and you leaned on this one friend completely, I understand why he had to end the friendship. I have had friendships like that, where I’m on one end of the phone trying to help friend, cheer them up, guide them to help and they don’t want it. They want the drama. They want to be sad all the time, be it for attention, be it because they are incapable of getting help, whichever reason. It becomes and endless cycle and a chore. You start to not want to pick up the phone because you have heard it all before and you don’t feel like repeating all the advice for the 100th time.
As that friend that is trying to help, you are also emotionally exhausted and drained, and everyone has problems of their own to deal with.
I (like your friend) did the only thing I could do. I let that person go. They are not benefitting from my help because they will only get help when they are ready. I am not benefitting because I don’t have two hours to repeat every supportive word I’ve already said before, and I don’t really like being sadder when I hang up the phone than when I picked it up. You got help on your own when you were ready and nobody was going to talk you out of the bad relationship until you saw it for what it was.
He isn’t going to apologize for “leaving you when you needed him the most” because he TRIED TO HELP YOU FOR SIX MONTHS. You said yourself “hours on the phone every day.”
He didn’t do anything wrong. If you really want to be his friend again, he might be open to it, but it can’t be because you expect something like an apology or because you feel he owes you something. He owes you nothing. And I know I am biased because of my own experiences but maybe you should apologize to him because you don’t know the emotional toll that trying to help takes on a person…as exemplified by the letter to Sars from “Counselor”. It’s horrible when you are trying to help a person and they won’t take your help.
So maybe it’s best you just let him be.
I think Sars is right on the money about the mom and the cats- and I don’t think it’s easy, by the way. I would feel differently if it was a dog that we’re talking about, because the dog would care a lot more. But the cats simply don’t care as much, especially if they have each other. And if the mom doesn’t have anyone with her and loves the cats and has the responsibility of overseeing her own dying mother with Alzheimer’s (precluding her from doing other things to get on with her own life, since that would be one draining job), then what is really the right thing to do here? I fully agree that Poo Gallop shouldn’t HAVE to, that these are her cats and she has every right to take them back. But I think that it will be pretty cold comfort for her to take her cats back and know that her mom is now miserable. The Alzheimer’s makes a huge difference in the situation, in my opinion, and it doesn’t sound like this mother is usually manipulative or selfish, even with the martyr complex; it sounds like she feels she is losing her support system just when she needs it the most, and the cats are making a difference for her.
When reading Counselor’s letter, I thought, “He just needs to read HR’s letter, above, and do exactly what her friend did.”
HR’s friend did exactly the right thing, and I think Elisa’s comment, above, gives the reasons why.
Gallop, I know exactly how you feel. I left my very well behaved, very sweet, very chill cat with my parents while I finished school. This was from spring break until the end of the year in June. I was planning on driving home from Florida to DC, and wanted to spare Wesley (my cat) the drive. My parents were not thrilled, but they agreed. So I graduated, made the drive, moved into a new apartment about twenty minutes from my parents, and fully expected that they would be happy to get my cat back to me.
I had underestimated the charm of my cat. There was a pretense at first that they were going to return him, but as the weeks went by, I realized that they were planning on keeping him. I was pissed, because he was MY CAT, and they were basically STEALING him. Actually, I still think it was a crappy move, but Wes (the cat) is happy and very well cared for. In fact, he is spoiled and doted upon. My parents like to tell me stories about his adventures. I just decided that it would be easier for me to give him up than to forcibly take him back. If he was unhappy or being neglected, it would have been a very different story, but see above spoilage.
I got another cat, who is not as easy to live with , and I love him just as much, but in a different ways. I still get to see Wes, and when I spend the night at my parents’ house, he sleeps at the foot of my bed, just like when he lived with me. I miss him, but my parents really, really love him, and that makes it slightly better. Plus, my new cat is a shelter adoptee, and I feel pretty good about that. He is not as well behaved, but he is totally lovable, and much more cuddly than Wes. I’m actually pretty satisfied with the situation at this point, but I do remember how outraged I was at first.
HR, I feel for you, and for the your ex-friend. I once dumped a friend who was in an abusive relationship and expected me to listen to him for hours every day complaining about a situation that he was completely unwilling to do anything about. After a time I grew to feel worthless in that relationship, since nothing I said or did made any difference at all, and listening to the woe just seemed to enable it to continue. Being supporting was using up all my time and emotional energy, and apparently provided no value. So I stopped, and was the “bad guy”. From that perspective, your friend may be glad to hear that your life did finally get straightened out. But I think Sars is on the money.
Gallop, I wonder if this is really about the cats at all. Of course, you know your mother better than any of us; but when she says “the cats are all that is getting me through!” my brain automatically added “because my traitorous child is moving away!” Of course, if this really is just passive-aggression, I don’t really have any advice better than Sars’. I will add this suggestion: if you choose to give your cats to your mother, make sure she understands that they’re HERS now, or you may be getting vet bills in the mail next year.
I actually agree with Sars on the cats. Perhaps I’m biased, as I live with a cat that belongs to my roommate (and hence will have to give her up when at some point in the indefinite future I move somewhere else), but as long as Mom can take care of the cats, let Mom have them (and perhaps she’s attached to these cats in particular because they remind her of her daughter). There are lots of great cats in the world who need loving homes, either way.
^^ I agree with you, Fiona, but it just seems as though another cat could do the same without meaning Gallop has to give up her babies.
I agree 100% with Elisa, with regard to the first letter. In all honesty, I’m not sure what HR was looking for out of her letter, except to be validated by Sars and the rest of the internet that he was a horrible person and a bad friend.
My friends and family mean the world to me, but I am a firm believer in putting on your own oxygen mask first. You have to be your own first priority. He tried to be there for you, but he has his own problems, and he can’t give up his life at the expense of yours. Was his kiss-off letter a little over-the-top? Sure. But his points were valid.
If you really are interested in getting back in touch, perhaps you should consider thanking him for his patience.
Gallop – I might disagree with Sars on this one too based upon my dealings with my own passive-aggressive mother. On an individual level the question of the cats may not be terribly important, but it sounds like it may be one example of an underlying pattern in your relationship with your mother in which you end up feeling responsible for parenting her (feeling guilty for moving away from her, for example). If this is the case, then the only escape from the pattern is refusing to participate. You are not responsible for your mother’s feelings. Taking responsibility for them only encourages her to give you the same responsibility in the future.
I have to agree with Elisa on this one. While going through a difficult time sucks, being the sole support for a person who is going an extended period of depression, mania, drinking, being engaged in an abusive relationship, etc, is exceptionally taxing on the individual providing the support. I’ve been there too, supporting a needy friend or family members. I have had to step back at times to make sure that I was taking care of my own mental health needs. Being in a friendship that has become needy to a toxic degree doesn’t really help either party. HR, as Elisa said, you have no idea how many sleepless nights your friend might have had as he tried to cope with your problems, and how damaging your issues were becoming to his well-being. When you have a friend you truly care about going through a difficult time due to things outside of their control, that’s hard enough. When you have a friend who is perpetuating their own awful situation because they continue making poor or unhealthy choices, that can be unbelievably disruptive because no matter what you say or do, there is always some reason why you’re wrong. I’m sorry you had to go through a crappy time, but you got through it and hopefully know better than to make those same choices in the future.
I’m of two minds on the Gallop situation; part of me agrees with Sars that if the cats themselves will be happy either way, it’s both a kindness and a stress reducer to leave ’em with Nana. I did this once, for different reasons, when after living abroad, I came home and retrieved only one of my two cats from my sister’s house. I was going to be living in my friend’s basement and the cat who stayed had FIV and needed the warmth and comfort of life above ground.
Now I see the same sister bonding intensely with the little guy my nephew brought home after college and think both Sis and LG will be very sad if Nephew were to get his own place, and my first reaction would be “leave LG with Nana” in that situation too.
But – that cat I did retrieve? Could not live without her by choice (she’s 17.5; eventually I will have to live without her). And she is such a little bitch that life with anyone but me would be a trial for her as well.
Not that ANYONE is asking for her, mind you.
Getting the Mom another two cats of her own would also eliminate the possibility that the writer leaves the cats with her mother, gets herself another two, and then in 6 months time, the mother feels better about her situation and is coping better and is now ready to give the cats back . . . the writer could end up with 4 cats or with an even worse dilemma. This may not be an issue – and its not hinted at in the letter – but such stress is put on the fact that the mother is having a hard time NOW and needs the cats for support NOW – what happens when things improve?? If the writer does decide to leave the cats with her mother, I’d give it a grace period before getting anymore and also make it very clear to her mother that if she does leave the cats with her, it’s for keeps.
My only cautionary note to Gallop re: the martyr complex. If you let mom keep the cats, make sure the passive-aggressive digs don’t keep on a-comin’ a la remarks like “Boy, those kitties sure are eating me out of house and home, and me an old lady on a fixed income!” or “Dear, did veterinarians charge so much for a simple checkup when I wasn’t taking care of them?”
I’m not saying she’s definitely going to do this (I can’t, obviously, I don’t even know her) but if the stoic and patient and be sure you know it routine is how she copes with stress, than having the cats may not shut off that faucet. She’s got skyrocketing stress levels right now, of course, but that won’t end when her mother passes and she has to deal with funeral arrangements, leading a life on her own, etc. Just be prepared to stand up for whatever decision you make and don’t let her make you feel guilt where none is warranted.
Counselor: You say this: “ultimately I don’t think he’s a good guy for her but that isn’t my business. I’ve told her my opinion and she’s going to do what she wants to do,” which is contradictory. It sounds like the real problem you’re having is not your inability to set boundaries between being a friend and a therapist, but the fact that you’re desperately trying to fill both roles for your friend.
A counselor is supposed to stand back and help her see why she’s making the choices she’s making. (Which, in my unsolicited opinion, are almost universally bad ones.) AS A FRIEND, if friend is indeed what she wants, it is your right to tell her to shape up. You can do one or you can do the other.
Personally, I think you should be her friend, tell her to get off that guy’s leash, and help her rebuild her life. If you want to distance yourself from her, you also have that right. But unless she’s paying you 50 bucks an hour, there is no reason for you to sit there, listening objectively, while she describes the mess she is perpetuating for herself and lets herself grow increasingly dependent on you.
Gallop: I think you should talk to Sue. If your mom is really going to fall to pieces without the cats, her friend will know. If she’s a second mother to you, like you say, she should be able to keep both your and your mom’s interests in mind while she helps mediate a solution.
I also have to disagree with Sars, here. My mom is the shit and I would do almost anything in the world for her, but there is no way she would martyr me out of my beloved pets. I’m kind of appalled by the idea that Gallop should consider the cats replaceable after four years but Gallop’s mom somehow can’t be expected to after a few months. Try one more time to explain that your cats are coming home with you, but maybe you guys can brainstorm solutions to the gaps they’re currently filling in your mom’s life. Don’t be pass-aggress about it, and don’t accept pass-aggress toss-offs in return.
Gallop – please consider adopting a couple kittens from a local rescue organization. Nevada has one of the highest foreclosure rates in the nation, which leads directly to abandonded and unwanted animals. Use this as an opportunity to help out some other cats that need a permanent home. I’m sure you are very attached to your cats, but I guarantee you will fall in love with others. And, you can still visit and hear about your cats from your mom.
Granted, your mother could do the same in Michigan, but then you’ll have to deal with the fallout from that situation. Use this as an opportunity to do some good for some kitties in Nevada.
First of all: Sars, I about died at your “Smurfy” comment, as I keep a quotation notebook too (also started in college). HEE.
I’m-a have to agree with Sars here when it comes to Poo Gallop. It has taken me all of my 33 years in dealing with passive-aggressive/martyr parents to realize that insisting on being “right” isn’t going to pave the most peaceful pathway for anyone. There’s a lot of caving and clenched teeth, but you know what? It’s just SO NOT WORTH IT to take the hard line sometimes. Especially as they get older. I mean, yeah, any other person pulling that shit? NO WAY. But…my parents? I pick my battles. And in this case, Poo Gallop’s mom is going through some heavy shit. I say let her have the cats.
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever disagreed with Sars’s advice before, and from the comments it looks like people are going to be divided on this.
I’m with other commenters that say go back to Michigan, find two deserving kitties from a local shelter, and give those to your mother. It sounds like having pets is a huge help to her, so that’s wonderful, but she will probably get the same kind of love and companionship from any good pets– not just yours.
(I’m probably also knee-jerk overreacting to what feels like Sue’s emotional manipulation of this situation. An “out of the blue” e-mail that ends with “They are the only things keeping her going”? Really? That… doesn’t feel contrived. Nope.)
If you’re strong enough to leave your cats with your mom, Sars is absolutely right in that it’s probably simpler. But let me say, as another only child, you are not personally responsible (nor are your cats) for your mother’s happiness. They’re your cats, and you have to make the call that’s right for you.
I gotta say, when I first read the advice about the cats, I resisted it, but when I heard it explained, I came around. First of all, the cats are four years old; they’ve been with mom for “a few months,” not a couple weeks. The cats have been with Mom for a significant chunk of their lives now.
Here’s the equation:
(happiness from reclaiming existing cats) – (happiness that could be obtained from having different cats) = cat-specific happiness deficit (CSHD) (this is your loss of happiness from having other cats live with you instead of these cats)
(misery of hearing from Mom about loss of cats for the rest of your life) – (misery of knowing you gave in to Mom) = standing-up-to-mom misery index (SMMI)
Unless the CSHD is greater than the SMMI, then reclaiming the cats isn’t even worth it FOR YOU. And that doesn’t even count the fact that Mom’s happiness weighs entirely in favor of leaving her the cats. Or the fact that you could derive additional happiness from knowing you helped your mom.
If Mom’s behavior were VARIABLE, then you’d have a whole mess of things to look at as far as how to influence Mom’s behavior, but I don’t think Mom’s behavior in this situation is variable. I’m being somewhat facetious, but I’m also … not. What’s great is that the effect on your relationship with Mom is TOTALLY variable. You can decide, “I’m letting the cats live with her — not because I have to, but because I’m choosing to.” They’re still your cats; they live with Mom. Mom really is going through a bad time. Mom raised you. Doing something big-hearted for Mom that truly means a great deal to her is something you could choose to feel good about. You don’t have to see Mom as a martyr, even if Mom does. You can choose to say, “My mom is in an incredibly difficult situation, and when I realized that there was something I could do that would mean a great deal to her, I did it even though the way she asked was really annoying, and I feel good about it.” You can choose to make it the moment you take back control of your relationship with Mom.
You don’t have to; you’re not a jerk if you go get the cats. But if I’m being honest, I see more happiness in your future if you decide to let them live with Mom.
HR – I totally get where you’re coming from. And I sort of agree with Sars that you should just let it go UNLESS you can just… be cool. If you want to send him an email or a Facebook message or something along the lines of “hey, I was just thinking about XYZ that reminded me of you and that got me wondering how you were blahblahblah hope you’re well take care whee!” and then LEAVE IT, then by all means, do that. If he responds, great. If he doesn’t, well that has to be fine, too.
I behaved VERY badly to a dear friend who pretty much did the same thing as your friend, but through the magic of Facebook, I was able to drop him a line and apologize for my horrible past self, he ‘friended’ me, and we chat occasionally but it’s not and won’t ever be like it was between us. And I am totally okay with that, which I think is the key. You can’t make him apologize for dumping you, but you can apologize to him for being out of your mind. But you have to keep your expectations really low in these situations or there’s resentment and icky-ness and all that jazz.
I’m probably also knee-jerk overreacting to what feels like Sue’s emotional manipulation of this situation. An “out of the blue” e-mail that ends with “They are the only things keeping her going”? Really? That… doesn’t feel contrived. Nope.
It totally is; this is part of why I think she’s better off ceding the field this time. If her mother has enlisted her friend in the passive-aggression? I mean, this is what you’re dealing with.
Part of it is also logistical. Drive to Michigan, pick out kittens for Mom, pack up adult cats, drive back to Vegas…if someone is going to adopt kittens in this deal, why not skip the cross-time-zone trek and just adopt them yourself?
I’m not trying to underplay the cats’ own importance to Gallop, but given that this is probably Mom’s last stand on being controlling at close range…I don’t think this is about the cats. I think it’s about trying to teach Mom a lesson, and in my experience, with that kind of person, that lesson does not sink in.
I’m with Elisa and John on the HR letter. I, too, had an experience with a friend that I got closer to over the course of several years, until she was basically just using me for…I don’t know what. Someone to talk at instead of a wall? I felt awful about having to “dump” her, because I was truly worried about what would happen to her if I did. But after lots and lots of soul searching, and help from conversations with a couple of friends (both mutual and separate from the relationship), I just had to tell her that I didn’t think I could be the friend she needed me to be at that point in her life. And I asked her to stop calling me.
I ran into her at a bar we were both at about a year later. She looked fine, which made me happy. She was also kind of cold towards me, which I didn’t blame her for. I haven’t seen her since then, except for one time I thought I saw someone at a Target in town who looked like it might be her from behind. She was with a guy, and they had a 1 year old with them…and I hope it was her, because she looked soooo happy. And that was all I ever wanted for her.
Gallop….good luck..Eveen though emotionally I sided with you ..( mom to 6 rescues) ..in the real world..Sars is pretty much spot on…sorry and best of luck.
Letters # 1 and 3..This is the classic example of a much often quoted Sars-ism:
” Some friendships have experation dates..”…it appears those dates have been met.
I speak from experience..garlic up..emotional vampires are just that. They will bleed you dry. Being a friend is one thing…being a door mat is another.
Again…good luck .
I think Katie makes an excellent point: Poo Gallop should consider the question of what happens after Grandma as died and Mom is alone. Does she think mom will still want the cats? As the cats get older and/or if they ever require special care, will Mom be able/willing to do that?
If the answer to to those questions is yes, then it probably is the kindest thing to let Mom keep the cats if they are happy, well-loved, and properly cared for (and it sounds like they are right now.) But if down the road it’s going to become a different passive-aggressive tug-of-war, then Gallop should take the cats back now and encourage Mom to adopt her own pets. Because then Mom can’t come back and say “but they’re YOUR cats” when/if she decides that she doesn’t want them anymore.
Cats Mom adopted herself don’t have the power to become guilt buttons for Gallop later on. These cats do.
1 – I want Linda to mathematically address all the problms in my life.
2 – I’m with Elsa and, many years ago, have also been the friend who had to cut someone off. I had other things going on in my life (my grandmother died, a recurrence of severe depression, work problems) and my friend’s problems were not of her own making (she was ill and required significant emotional care). I still feel guilty about it somewhat but I also recognize that I was drowning (and she had many other friends to turn to) and that break might have been what kept me afloat at the time. We have since patched things up – we’re not as close as we once were but she also wasn’t in HR’s mindset. Once she was better, she was able to appreciate how I was drowning as well, and has never suggested to me that I OWED her an apology or that my behavior was shitty. (I have apologized but then so did she for making me her caregiver when I wasn’t up to it). There’s a reason lifeguards will knock you unconscious if you fight and the flight attendant tells you to put on your air mask first.
Sorry Sars, but I don’t agree at all in regards to the cats. I don’t really see this as a “these are MINE and my mom isn’t going to take them” I see it more as “these are part of my family and not my moms” I think the best solution is to get mom her own cats that she can bond with. Gallop had these cats for four years. Mom had them a couple of months.
I also wonder if it would be better for mom to not to have the cats as the “only thing that is keeping her going”. I’m reminded of a letter to the Vine where someone was concerned that her parent was too invested with the family pet to the degree that most of the commenter thought it was unhealthy. Mom obviously isn’t all alone since she has a friend who is willing to write a manipulative letter to get Gallop to give up the cats. I could be wrong, I have been before.
Linda, I love your mathematically based advice! It made me understand that this really comes down to Gallop’s feelings about her cats and her mom. But based on that, I would still take the cats and help Mom to get new ones. Because the first factor (happiness from reclaiming cats) would be off the charts for me, and I’m guessing for many other pet owners. We’ve all lost pets before, and while you might get a new pet, you will always miss the old one. So getting new cats wouldn’t be a one-to-one swap for me, but I feel like it would be closer to one-to-one for Mom. To keep this mathematical.
And I guess I didn’t really get that Gallop was hoping to get some sense of satisfaction out of not giving in to Mom. All I got was that she wants her cats, and that Mom ramping up the hints about wanting to keep them was vexing due to the guilt over her situation, and the fear of not getting them back.
Regardless of the circumstances, I just don’t think that temporarily leaving your pets with anyone comes along with an unspoken agreement that if the petsitters decide they love them, you may never get them back. And I don’t think that Gallop speaking to her mom about this in a sympathetic way, and encouraging her to adopt new kitties while she takes hers back, will necessarily result in the destruction of their relationship. Again, I weigh the cost/benefit for each, and I feel like it’s more balanced if Gallop keeps her own cats.
Wow. Throwing in with Sars on the cat thing, AND on the HR thing, AND on the Counselor thing. A freakin’ hat trick or something, that was. Trifecta? Triple Crown?
I’ve been HR, and I’ve been Counselor. Sucks both ways, and when you’ve been HR first it just makes the Counselor role that much ickier, because you totally know how it feels to be HR, and yet it still makes you tired and angry to deal with it. When someone else’s problems are in their power to fix, but they don’t fix them, and it somehow is expected to become YOUR issue, it’s pretty understandable to bail, or to want most fervently to do so.
I guess I didn’t really get that Gallop was hoping to get some sense of satisfaction out of not giving in to Mom. All I got was that she wants her cats, and that Mom ramping up the hints about wanting to keep them was vexing due to the guilt over her situation, and the fear of not getting them back.
From the original letter: “My mother also has a wee bit of a martyr complex. I won’t delve too deeply into that, for fear of turning this into the Great American Novel, but it’s definitely a key factor in this issue.”
Again: I’m sure Gallop wants the cats back per se. I also sense that this exact push-pull goes back decades and it’s probably time for Gallop to opt out of it if she can. This isn’t just any pet-sitter; a pet-sitter, you pay, and you don’t have emotional involvement (presumably) that dates back years and has nothing to do with whatever the current issue is, as is apparently the case here.
I can see the other side, obviously, but Gallop herself made the Elian reference; that’s not guilt. That’s anger. And it’s not going to net out as a reduction in drama for anyone involved, including the felines.
@Marv: “Best solution” for who? Who will be happier if she takes back the cats? I maintain it is EXTREMELY unlikely that Gallop will actually be happier. She will avoid a short-term unhappy situation (the tooth-grinding of giving in to her mother, which will suck, but which will fade) and buy herself a long-term unhappy situation (the dynamics created by the cats and her mother for the rest of her life). Her mother will certainly not be happier. The cats will certainly not be happier. If she forces the return of the cats and it becomes a sore spot between her and her mother forever, who comes out ahead?
“These are part of my family and not my mom’s”? My guess is that to the cats, mom’s house is now home. They’re loved. They’re fine. They are, unfortunately, part of both Gallop’s family and her mom’s under perfectly valid arguments. The lesson here is “don’t enmesh your life this much with your mother’s by accepting a favor this large from her.” I still say: let the cats live with Mom, and don’t make the same mistake again.
I wasn’t convinced at all by the “leave them” advice for Gallop until I read Linda’s equation and comments, which make a lot of sense. I still think maybe it would be worthwhile to talk to Mom about the possibility of Mom adopting a cat/cats in Michigan and Gallop retrieving her two (if CSHD is high), but if that doesn’t work, leaving them with Mom and getting new kitties might be less angst all around. Gallop has entertained this possibility, so it isn’t inconceivable.
If it were me, my instinct would also be to take the kitties and to hell with the drama, but there would definitely be a righteous attitude in there, which I think is the point that Sars is making — the righteous attitude feels good at the time, but doesn’t really get you anywhere in the long run.
@Gallop: I think Sars is totally right, but in my experience, it helps to be completely settled in your own soul about it before telling Mom to keep the cats. Making a decision without really being 100% resolved leaves you more likely to be in the “Mom ripped me off AGAIN” place instead of “I’ll miss them, but it feels good to make her so happy.” So, not advising to fetch them or leave them… just to be sure you’re really on board with whatever you decide.
It’s also worth considering how your Mom reacts to cats in general. My partner is Not A Cat Person and he likes our shop kitty, but that is highly contingent on her qualitities as an individual. There are a lot of perfectly-typical cat behaviors she does NOT regularly exhibit, and I shudder to think what life would have been like if she had been more destructive, or louder, or a bigger escape artist than she already is. (Or – heaven forfend! – she ever sprayed anything.)
It might be the case that the magic here is these specific cats, and new kitties might easily do things that get them re-homed post-haste when they don’t prove to be as magical as your beloved Girls. Only you know your Mom, but…worth considering.
HR, Sars’ response was so dead-on. I read nothing in your letter that suggested a friendship, only a user-user relationship. And there was also a hint of comfort with the role of sounding-board, but only if she wasn’t going to dump you later, and only if she’d take your advice already? I dunno. Texting you in secret? Trying to monopolize your time? That’s a pretty crappy friendship, in any event. And how is that friendship helping you to settle in to your new social situation? Or is it allowing you to avoid other social entanglements?
Oh, I’m so torn on the Gallop situation. I have two kitties whom I love, but while I could see tearfully leaving one with another loving family, our little boy has wrapped himself so far around my heart that I can’t imagine being without him. He’s part of our family. I’d strongly resist anybody who says “you can always go to the pound and pick out another.” (There would probably be foul language involved.) I think the problem here is that Sars read Gallop’s main objection as being about mom and her attitude, while many of us are reading (or projecting?) deeper feelings regarding the cats’ place in Gallop’s family. So maybe that’s the crux? If the issue truly is not giving in to mom then, well, just give in already. But if the issue is that Gallop will be devastated without her kitty family and just doesn’t know how to deal with all the pass-agg aggro? Get mom some kittens.
Now on to the main reason I’m writing. Like Rachel, I’ve been the dumpee in an HR-type situation. Mine was much less dramatic (no abuse), but man I could.not.shut.up about all the terrible things my boyfriend was doing to hurt me. I was obsessed, and my since-junior-high friend was the only person I had to talk to about it. When she dumped me it was definitely a slap in the face.
This was probably 16 years ago. It only took me a year or two to realize how dysfunctional I’d been in that relationship. I’d say that within, oh, 4 or 5 years I was able to look back and see why my friend had needed to distance herself from me. It took me another 5 or 6 years to get over the hurt of *how* she dumped me. Now, granted, she did a piss-poor job of it (really? my repeating the same bullshit complaints over and over leaves you feeling…emotionally raped?) and framed it in such a way that she was being traumatically victimized by me (again, I was not in an abusive or dangerous situation, just immaturely obsessed with the relationship and smothering it to death). So, hm, just like HR I spent way too long focusing on the exact wording that she used.
But the thing about truly leaving this stuff behind and in the past? Is that it’s just…past. A few years ago I found myself wondering how my friend was, and hoping that perhaps she might be willing to get to know the present-day me (which would require a risk on her part, since the last she’d seen of me I had been an emotional vampire). But in order to do that, I had to be ready to let go of the hurtful way she’d protected herself. Bottom line is, she did what she had to do. And she did it in a messy way, one that reflected her own issues. So that meant I knew something about her, her limitations and her limits. I added that up with all the rest that I knew about her, and decided that it would be worth some initial investment in contacting her.
I dropped her a friendly line, she replied in kind. Over the past 5 years she’s visited me twice while in town, and I’ve visited her once (we don’t live on the same continent currently). We send each other life-update emails a few times a year. We both enjoy having a connection with someone from our young lives, and neither of us has tried to reestablish our former intimacy. If she’d needed it, I would have apologized for being such a self-absorbed ass. I’m still ready to do so, but I think our lives have moved so far beyond those days that it’s not really an issue for either of us. I pushed too hard on the bonds of friendship, she pushed back, we lived our lives. I have other friends (and a husband) who will bear the brunt of my kvetching and carping about rough times, so I suppose you could say that we’re reestablishing our friendship within the framework of the boundaries she set oh-so-many years ago.
I suppose that’s a long-winded anecdote meant to demonstrate my opinion: HR, if you regret losing a from-childhood friend, and if you fundamentally recognize why he needed to dump you (and if you have healed from/set aside/forgiven any awkwardness or phrasing that was less-than-perfect or revealed some of his own issues), there’s no harm in dropping him a line. But if you think that writing him would be “losing face,” if you think that the exact wording of how he distanced himself from you is incriminating evidence? Then this incident isn’t far enough in the past, you haven’t come far enough emotionally. And I think contacting him would still transgress the boundaries he set once upon a time. If you do contact him, please realize that the only person who owes an apology is you.
Thank you so much, Sars, for answering my letter! I think you’re right. I do really miss him sometimes since we were very close for a long time, but there is left-over resentment towards him so it’s probably best for both of us to not be friends than for me to risk bringing all that past unpleasantness back up to the surface.
Jayne says: “I agree 100% with Elisa, with regard to the first letter. In all honesty, I’m not sure what HR was looking for out of her letter, except to be validated by Sars and the rest of the internet that he was a horrible person and a bad friend.”
Nope, I was just looking for advice from a third party. I’m not the kinda person who looks for personal validation by sending out anonymous letters to be commented on.
Elisa says: “And I know I am biased because of my own experiences but maybe you should apologize to him because you don’t know the emotional toll that trying to help takes on a person.”
and
Rachel says: “You can’t make him apologize for dumping you, but you can apologize to him for being out of your mind.”
Strangely enough, it never occurred to me to apologize to him! I actually really appreciate those comments because I honestly didn’t think he cared enough about me to even feel like I was a drain on him. To me at the time, his actions felt really dismissive and flippant. But that was probably the result of seeing the whole thing through my own depression.
Thanks again, Sars. It’s been really helpful to have all these outsider opinions.
I perfectly understand how Gallop feels. That said … I’m leaning towards leaving the kitties with Mom, on the basis that it’s these kitties that Mom has bonded with while her mother was dying. Also, and really not wanting this to sound awful, given that Gallop just lost her grandmother, it’s possible that Gallop may get her kitties back anyway; I wound up with my Mom’s cats.
I’m hoping that Gallop can see this as a way of looking after her Mom, without having to either see or talk to her; instead of “Mom wins another round!” in the adult-child struggle. Also, that bit about Nevada kitties needing homes cut pretty close to the bone for me.
I hope you’ll keep us updated, though, because we here at the (unusually!) highly divided Tomato Nationals are rooting for you, your Mom, AND the kitties, hoping for the best for everyone.
Hello all! I’m Counselor from the 3rd letter.
I’m glad that I wrote because it was basically what I was expecting to hear, & it was good to see that. I’ve been in this position before, & I’ve also been in the other position of emotionally dumping on someone. Luckily, I’ve developed enough self-awareness to moderate over the past few years. I just hate the feeling of leaving her out to dry.
But since I sent this in this past weekend, there has been some changes. S has started talking to another guy, J got mad, they decided they could still date other people, J is now ignoring S, she is confused because she says if he loves her as much as he says he does, wouldn’t he rather have her in any capacity than not at all. I told her that was kind of faulty logic & some people would rather not have that, expect not to hear from J again, & move the fuck on.
I also think I pissed her off a bit when she was talking about how her dad said that J is lucky to be alive after the way things ended with S & I told her that her dad was overreacting, regardless of the situation.
She hasn’t texted me today, & I’m fine with that. I know I have to start trying harder to make friends because as it is, I sometimes go days without seeing/talking to anyone.
@ Linda I see your point. I just wonder if giving up her cats is the kind of thing that Gallop could just get over. If the Mother felt resentment about the cats being taken away from her, wouldn’t Gallop be equally valid for feeling the same way? It’s just as likely that Gallop could harbor deep resentment for a long time against her Mother. It just seems to me that, through no fault of her own, Gallop is being hit really hard and unfairly. There’s no way out that benefits her at all.
HR, I’m going to hazard a guess that’s based only on what I know about myself. Could you maybe just be itching to reawaken old storms and passion and drama, now that your life is on a calmer path? Because it doesn’t sound like you think anything positive can come from contacting this ex-friend, yet your mind keeps going there. Ask yourself if that’s a constructive urge. YMMV.
@Linda – how much do I love your Gallop Happiness Equation? So much.
Gallop – I am so on board with Sars about the cats. You are 100% right, but it’s possible to be right and still lose. Your being right doesn’t change the reality: your mother doesn’t get it, and she never will. It will drive you nuts to let her keep the cats, but she will drive you more nuts if you take them away. I also think it would be very kind of you – your mom loves the cats, she takes good care of them, and she’s having a pretty rough time. The cats will have avoided the misery of a cross-country trip. And I think Sars suggestion about making a big production out of giving her the cats and pretending it was all your idea is genius. I think that would send a stronger message to your mom that you see the game she’s playing here, and that you aren’t going to play it, than it would to take the cats.
HR – Reading the first half of your letter, I was truly expecting your question to Sars to be something like, “should I get back in touch with my friend and apologize for being an emotional leach, or would it be better to let things lie?†I was kind of shocked that you would expect that he should apologize to you. I understand that his decision hurt you, and I think his letter to you was kind of harsh, but this guy spent hours on the phone with you every day for six months with no end in sight. He was as good of a friend as he could be, and then he just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m not blaming you for being a mess, but it wasn’t his fault that he was the only person in your life, and you can’t expect one person, even a good friend, to carry the entire weight of your drama forever.
@Marv in DC – Gallop has a choice in whether or not she indulges feelings of resentment toward her mother over this. It’s not about whether she would have a valid claim to feeling cornered here, it’s about finding a solution she can live with in the long run. Yes, this situation came about through (mostly) no fault of her own, but that’s just the row she has to hoe at this point. She doesn’t get access to some additional, easier choice just because this isn’t a decision point she intended on reaching. She can choose to leave the cats with Mom, and she can choose to find peace with that. That’s a way out that absolutely benefits her – she gets to put an end to this drama by refusing to engage in it. I agree with Sars et al. on the likelihood that taking the cats lands her squarely in Win Battle/Lose War territory. If she were dealing with a completely rational player, sure, she could pick up the cats and be done with it. But Mom’s not acting rationally here, and Gallop will just make herself crazy by trying to change *that* part of the equation. Taking the cats has the potential to turn into perpetual lunch at the shit sandwich cafeteria. I’d skip it.
Wow. I’m kind of shocked at all the people who would apparently be OK with giving up their cats in a similar situation.
Gallop: I side with all the people who recommend you help mom find a couple kittens. Kittens are irresistibly cute and she will probably bond with one or two at the shelter, cats have a way of choosing their owners. (I swore I wouldn’t get another tortie because I thought she’d remind me of my first tortie and it’d make me sad, but sure enough, a tortie claimed me at the shelter.)
Gallop: I also completely disagree with Sars’ advice here. Also this statement: “I would feel differently if it was a dog that we’re talking about, because the dog would care a lot more. But the cats simply don’t care as much, especially if they have each other.”
Cats know, they care. Four years is a lot longer than a few months. I left my cat (with my mother) when I went abroad for a few months and I had only had her a year at that point and when I came home, yeah, she was grumpy but she still knew I was her person. I wound up moving in with my mother and I’m still the person she sleeps with, still the person she scratches awake for breakfast (oh, joy!), still the person whose bed she doesn’t go to the bathroom on (on the plus side, right?) and she’s not an only cat anymore either, so the one-cat argument doesn’t apply. I’d miss her, she’d miss me. As I’m sure Gallop’s cats miss her. Cats are not possessions; they are living creatures with feelings and the fact that Gallop’s mother apparently does not get this or worry about how the cats would feel makes me feel strongly that ultimately, she’d do just as well, if not better, with another cat or two. I won’t even touch the Alzheimer’s issue except to say (again, from experience) that just because someone is having a tough time doesn’t mean they get to do whatever they want at that moment. Lots of people have tough times. Deal.
Gallop,
I have a cat, not my first, but if I move they go with me on the move. Yes they are like family and I treat them that way. We also take our son with us when we move and don’t leave him with other family members to make the transition easier on us.