The Vine: March 17, 2010
So, I need some advice on something I’ve been thinking about for a while.
Four and a half years ago my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. And I took it really, really hard. I immediately got into an abusive rebound relationship, I tried to kill myself twice, and I would flip between being comatose, to being unable to stop crying on the bus/at work/while grocery shopping, to being drunk and manic and pretending everything was okay. I was pretty messed up to put it mildly.
Fortunately, the abusive relationship lasted less than a year before I stopped seeing him and started seeing a really good psychiatrist. And now I’m years removed from that drama and the first ex is just a bittersweet memory, the abusive ex is ancient history, I’m living with a really great guy, and things are going really well in all other aspects of my life. Basically, I’m good. My problem, then, is this:
In the months after the initial break-up, my best-friend-since-we-were-14 was there for me. We live in separate cities and every day I would call him and he would talk to me for hours while I cried over the phone. But after almost exactly six months of phone calls where I would either cry about my ex or cry about my new abusive boyfriend, he gave up on me completely.
His last email to me said (verbatim), “if all you have is bitterness and negativity then i hazard to say that we DONT have anything further to say to each other, i have far too much stress in my life to want to engage in a friendship that only adds more. i am neither insensitive nor insecure, i am merely protective of my time and how i spend it and dont relish the thought of endless arguments over the phone with someone who seems only hell bent on sharing her misery.”
To be fair, I was hell-bent on sharing my misery. I hated the abusive relationship I’d gotten into and didn’t know how to get out of, I hated my life without my ex, I hated myself, etc. etc. etc. At the time of the break-up my ex and I had been living in a new city where I didn’t have any friends, and my family had earlier disowned me for religious reasons of their own, so because he was my only friend, he was the one I leaned on completely. (My sister’s response when I called to tell her of the break up and my new phone number? “What did you expect? You weren’t married.”)
I realize the stress of dealing with someone as depressed as I was is a lot to take on, so intellectually I understand how he would want out of that kind of a friendship. But emotionally, all I can wonder is why he abandoned his best friend when she was suicidal and self-destructive!
So we haven’t spoken or called or emailed or sent any texts in years. And I was fine with that, mostly I was too busy working on feeling better and then starting my new life with my partner to even notice he’s not around anymore.
But for the past year or so I’ve been thinking about him. And I’m thinking of contacting him again, maybe friend him on Facebook or something, but I hesitate to because 1) I don’t want to “lose face” by being the one contacting him when he was the one who took off when I needed him the most; 2) I don’t know if I could ever trust him again and think maybe no friendship is preferable to a superficial one where I never confide in him again if something is bothering me; and 3) maybe wanting to contact him again is just nostalgia sneaking up on me since I’m turning 30 soon.
What do you think? Should I email him? Or just let it go?
HR
Dear HR,
I’d just let it go, and here’s why: it doesn’t sound like you want the friendship itself back in your life. You didn’t say you miss it, or him; you just say you’ve been thinking about him, and that your first concern is whether you’d “lose face” doesn’t indicate to me that you’ve really let the feelings of hurt and betrayal go.
I think what you really want is closure in the form of an apology. I can’t really predict whether he’d respond to your reaching out by saying he’s sorry for pushing you away. I can tell you that reproducing his kiss-off note verbatim probably means you aren’t as far “removed” from the drama of that time as you think. Your general tone is one of resentment; think about how that might go if you try to contact him.
Think about what you want out of emailing him, and if it doesn’t involve moving forward with a friendship, versus conducting an angry postmortem on what happened, leave it where it is.
Hi Sars,
Recently, I’ve found myself in an escalating custody battle over my two cats and would really appreciate your bullshit-free advice. Please tell me if I’m being an unreasonable asshole or not.
Here’s the back story: my cats are two four-year-old littermates, whom I adopted at 8 weeks. I was fully prepared for the lifetime commitment that comes when you adopt animals. Because, like you’ve said in the past, pets are family, too. Simply stated, my girls are the shit. They are very social and affectionate (even with total strangers), an unending source of entertainment and are each other’s best friend.
A few months ago, I moved from Michigan to Las Vegas. My mother has been nice enough to let the girls stay with her during the interim. Moving them to the other side of the country is going to be stressful enough for them (and me…), so I want the transition to be as easy as possible. My boyfriend and I bought a house and are in the process of tearing out carpet, replacing cabinets, etc., so I don’t want to bring them into a total war zone.
For the last couple years, my mother has also been caring for my 95-year-old grandma, who is approaching the final stages of dementia/Alzheimer’s disease. She has caretakers for Grandma who are there almost round-the-clock, but it’s still understandably stressful and frustrating for her.
My mother also has a wee bit of a martyr complex. I won’t delve too deeply into that, for fear of turning this into the Great American Novel, but it’s definitely a key factor in this issue.
At this point, I should mention that I have no brothers or sisters, and that I’m approaching 30 with a quickness. My parents divorced when I was 14, and my mother has no other family other than myself and my grandma. Since moving out on my own, both of my apartments have been about 30-45 minutes away from my mom’s house. So even though I’m an adult, I still do feel a significant amount of guilt for moving so far away when my mom doesn’t have anyone. But at the same time…she’s a big girl who shouldn’t expect her adult daughter to not live her own life.
Over the past few weeks, when I talk about my upcoming plans to collect the cats, she makes statements “in passing” about how “the cats are my WORLD. I just don’t know what I’d do without them.” Or, “The cats are the ONLY things that keep me going.” Or my favorite, “If you want to see the girls, you can come home and visit them. They don’t need to move to Las Vegas.” To which I respond, “Hey, don’t turn this into a guilt trip! I refuse to get into a bitter custody battle over them. What’s going to happen when I have kids?” I started off saying it somewhat jokingly, but now I’m getting more and more NOT joking.
Then came the kicker: I got an email from my mom’s best friend last week, completely out of the blue. To be fair, I consider Sue (name changed) to be my other mom. Known her my whole life, her daughter is a month younger than me so we grew up together, blah blah friendshipcakes. The email started out as a standard “miss you, hope things are going well, here’s an update of what’s going on with us.” Then came the last paragraph, talking about how “Your mom is so happy that your cats are staying with her. She is so attached to them! They are the only things that are keeping her going! Take care! Love, Sue.”
Oh, HELL no.
I feel like I’m being bullied into giving the cats to my mom, but…they’re MY cats. I didn’t adopt them to just hand them over to another owner after a few years. I’m still planning to get the cats in about a month. Sars, am I being an asshole for wanting to do so?
I’ve tried talking to her about it like, you know, adults, but all I end up getting is passive-aggressive crap. My boyfriend and I are fully prepared to extract them Elian Gonzales-style if need be (and we haven’t entirely ruled out SWAT team assistance).
Then again, my mom really is going through a hard time taking care of my grandma. And (God forbid) once Grandma’s gone, my mom really will have no one. I don’t want to give up the cats, but if it’s the right thing to do, then I’ll suck it up. Should I just give in and let my mom have them? Or get her kittens of her very own? Or get myself a set of replacement cats?
I never thought I would miss the pitter-pat of the poo gallop
Dear Gallop,
Well, you’re “right,” of course, but this is one of those times where you can be right, or you can be happy.
You don’t mention that your mother doesn’t take proper care of the cats; you don’t say that she’s careless of them, lets them wander outside, whatever, so I assume that she’s conscientious about them and loves them. They don’t cause her any problems or seem unhappy there, that you’ve said. You just don’t want to give in.
I realize that this is beyond annoying. I realize that sometimes you really just want the other person to see that she’s being presumptuous and passive-aggressive, to get it. Yes, you miss your cats, too, but: “they’re MY cats.” I think this is as much about the “my” as it is about the “cats.”
Like I said, you’re “right.” She “shouldn’t” have offered to care for them if she thought she’d get too attached to let them go, and if that’s what’s happened, she “should” discuss it with you like an adult and work on a solution. She isn’t going to do this, and if you decide, “correctly,” that that gives you license to kidnap the cats back from her, you will have to hear the sighing and weeping and little digs about it until one of you is in the grave, and I am telling you, it isn’t worth it. If the cats gave a shit, maybe, but they don’t.
Craft a statement to your mom along the lines of, “You know, I was thinking — it’s probably easier just to leave the cats with you. They seem really happy; it’s great that you’ve bonded with them, and less upheaval for them is probably best. Would you be all right with that?” Something that makes it out like this was your idea. I know, I know, it’s galling, but seriously, the cats don’t care, it gets your mother off your back, she has the companionship — and there’s no shortage of cats who need homes. You adopt another pair and get to enjoy the kittenhood phase again; everybody wins.
“No, SHE wins, AND I’M SICK OF IT.” Right, but if you don’t let her win, you will lose even worse, and remember, you live in Vegas now and you don’t really have to deal with this on an everyday basis as much. If the cats are being properly seen to, leave them to her. You can see them at the holidays.
And the next time you move: kennel. Just saying.
Dear Sars,
I hate that I’m writing to you over something I feel is very trivial, but obviously if it was trivial I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
I’m a guy and have a friend who is a girl, who I will call S. We are both in the same graduate school program and have become friends over the past few months. I’m new to the area and have a bit of difficulty integrating myself into groups very well, so becoming friends with S was nice. She’s a great girl and we get along well.
The problem is that S is sucking me dry. I literally feel like she is sucking the life force out of me with her constant texting. She recently had a bad break-up with her boyfriend, J, and saw that I am easy to talk to, as well as being a guy, so I fit into the void that was left. She’ll send me 5 or 6 messages in a row before I can respond, going on and on about her break-up (I’ve told her to try to not do that because it makes responding difficult).
She’ll call me just to talk about how she doesn’t know what to do. Now that she’s met with him since the break-up, they’ve become fuck-buddies, which has caused her to become even more confused and text me even more. I have no problem with people coming to me for help (I’m currently getting my Masters in Counseling, so yeah…) but since she’s a friend and not a client, I’m having difficulty in setting up boundaries.
I’ve tried to get her to see my counselor which didn’t pan out because of insurance issues, and I’ve told her that she needs to talk to a professional or someone more experienced in dating relationships, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. Last week she texted me asking if I would meet with her and hold her, since she needed to be held by a guy and I’m “non-threatening.” I told her I appreciated the thought, but it wasn’t a good idea. I don’t think she’s attracted to me physically but I think that emotionally she is.
I’d stop responding more often but she’s the only friend I really have down here that I hang out with, because most of my friends in my program are girls with boyfriends so they aren’t as willing to hang out with me. I’m worried that I’m walking a fine line between being helpful to both S and cutting off my social life. I really do enjoy being around her but it’s really becoming overwhelming.
It’s also frustrating because she’s told me they plan on getting back together once J has worked through some of his issues and he’s told her he doesn’t like her to have guy friends, so that means she’ll text me in secret like before they broke up and I will only see her in class, or I’ll completely become irrelevant. I’ve never met J, but they apparently got into fights about her texting me and he flipped out because she was in a car that dropped me off at my apartment, accusing her of being in my apartment.
One of the things S is waiting for J to work on is maturing, but ultimately I don’t think he’s a good guy for her but that isn’t my business. I’ve told her my opinion and she’s going to do what she wants to do. I’m well aware of my position if they get back together.
So my question is how do I set up boundaries and distance myself from her clinging to me while still maintaining a friendship? I don’t want to do anything that’s going to cause more damage to her since she’s obviously hurting and confused.
Thanks for your help,
Precariously Positioned Future Counselor
Dear Counselor,
Echoes of the first letter, eh what?
I don’t see much of a friendship here, frankly. I have a little notebook that I’ve written quotations down in since college, which is pretty Smurfy of me, but also handy in terms of providing a record of things I found insightful over the years. I was just updating it earlier today and I saw this quotation from Norberto Felix-Cruz:
In jail, I wondered what a friend is, and what it means to trust. But maybe it’s just, when you tell the story of yourself, you don’t have to leave things out.
Different friendships “do” different things, of course, but what I see here isn’t really that bond or commonality by which most of us would define friendships. I see two people using each other: she’s using you as a sounding board and a seat-filler and a…I don’t even know what to call that “can you hold me” business. A hug-bot? I get that she’s having a hard time, but it’s not appropriate; I see her delivering a series of oh-woe monologues and not asking about or listening to you.
And then you’re using her just to say you have a friend, even though you’re 1) tired of/out by her, and 2) well aware that if she gets back together with this douche, you’re out on your ass. And that’s not friendship. That’s two people talking past each other because they don’t have any better options.
But you actually do. First, set firm boundaries with S. Enough with the manic texting; don’t respond right away, and if she’s peppering you with half a dozen in a row, remind her that you discussed this and you’re not an audience member. When you hit minute 20 of her banging on about J, change the subject, and if she’s resisting, end the call, get up for another cup of coffee, whatever. Start inserting reminders into your interactions that other people have problems, or would just like to discuss television for five minutes.
Second, put yourself in situations where you can make other friends. Go to events. Join groups. You mention that you have difficulty integrating yourself into group situations, but everyone does on some level; you have to give it some time, and you can’t do that if S is monopolizing all your free time.
I don’t think she’s a bad person, but you’ve taught her how to treat you, and she’ll keep doing it unless she’s shown that it will no longer fly. You don’t seem to think you deserve better, friendship-wise, and you do. Start expecting it. You could make up your life story, this woman wouldn’t know the difference. Find friends who care about you.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships the fam
I completely disagree on the cat advise. And this is why:
A lot of these comments hinge on the fact that cats don’t really care who they live with. That’s not entirely true. Cats, much of the time, will find a particular human and forge a deep connection with them – whether they have a best four legged friend or not. My cat – he’s the most codependent cat in the world, and insists that he be attached to me if I’m in a seated position. My husband will do in a pinch. But if I leave him for more than a week – he is very, very unhappy.
My husband’s cat, who has since passed, was the most individual and independent cat I’ve ever met. But she was still hopelessly devoted to my husband. Even after he had moved away for THREE YEARS, she still recognized him as “hers” when he was back in the same room. She was always at her healthiest and happiest when with him – a fact that his entire family commented on multiple times.
Cats, they choose their family. And once they decide who that is, there’s no changing it. If that’s Gallop, they need to go home. If that’s mom… well, they should probably stay. But this isn’t about the people – it’s about the dependents. And they deserve to be with their human, whoever that might be.
@Sue: I see your point, but I think you might be responding a bit harshly to Gallop. Cats don’t travel well, as a rule, and moving them into a house in the process of being refurbished would also be hard for them. Her letter read to me like her thought process was initially to make it less stressful/easier/healthier for the cats by bringing them into a house that was ready to settle into, rather than have them travel cross-country with the moving van and then spending weeks among the unpacked boxes. It didn’t read to me as though she was dumping the cats off just for her own convenience.
Hindsight being what it is, of course, it probably would have been better all around to bring them along from the first, but I don’t think Gallop was necessarily being offhand or a bad pet parent with initial decision to have Mom take care of them for a little while.
the fact that Gallop’s mother apparently does not get this or worry about how the cats would feel makes me feel strongly that ultimately, she’d do just as well, if not better, with another cat or two
I’m starting to feel like Gallop Sr.’s lawyer here, but: you have no evidence that Mom doesn’t “get” what’s good for the cats. And if she’s as selfish as you intimate, why would you recommend that she get other pets? If Gallop had any reason to believe that the cats were unhappy or neglected, she would have said so. This is the kind of information people include in letters of this type, believe me.
Lots of people have tough times. Deal.
…Jesus. That’s what NOT touching the Alzheimer’s issue looks like?
^^ “Deal” is a totally inappropriate response to anyone going through issues with Alzheimer’s. That’s not a “tough time”, that is an awful, irretrievable, horrific time.
I don’t think Gallop Sr is selfish, I think she’s having a hard time and she wants something to love. Totally understandable. But it just may be that she would love another kitty just as much as Gallop’s, then everybody wins. And Gallop broaching this suggestion to her doesn’t seem like a bad idea. If G, Sr freaks, then maybe reassess – but I think it’s something she should at least try.
Re: Gallop, I’m going to have to disagree with Sars too…
I don’t think anyone can expect you to just give up the two cats you care about because your mother has decided she does, too. It just… no. It’s not just about the cats being OK with staying at mom’s, how about Gallop’s feelings? Personally, if my options were giving up my cats v. neverending maternal hissyfit? I’d take the hissyfit and deal with it.
The comments above suggesting Gallop hits the local shelter with her mom to find her some cute fuzzy kittens of her own seem like a much better idea. She’ll have cats, you will have your cats. If the reason she’s clinging on to Gallop’s cats is that she’s lonely, a pair of cute little ones will help just as well as Gallop’s cats have.
Also, Gallop? If your mother laments that getting new cats isn’t the same as keeping yours, point out that that is exactly why you want your cats back, please.
I’m with Sars on Gallop. My sweet to the point of diabetes stepmom who is amazing is dealing with her mother having dementia and major health problems for a few years now and it has made her nutty in a way I didn’t think possible. She’s always been a really strong woman, but this is almost breaking her. She has brothers and a sister, but they have all but walked away from the situation unless they want to bitch about money. Luckily, I moved back to town a couple years back so I can help with little things, but it’s still all on her. I can totally see the comfort that having something that loves you unconditionally would bring to the caregiver situation and it really does become a lifeline that no human can bring. We had to put down one of the family dogs this year and the other has health problems so that’s a major concern for me and my brothers. Kittens, and getting them trained and settled in wouldn’t really be a good timing thing. If you do insist on taking the cats back, I would at least do some serious petfinder research and find a pair of adult (1-2 years old) cats that already know each other for her.
Maybe it’s because I’m older and can see the future of dealing with my own parents in this situation looming on the horizon, but even with my own crazy mother issues (which I have in SPADES) I’m feeling way more sympathy for mom here.
@Gallop: It’s difficult to give you advice about this situation because it is focussed on the 2 humans in the piece, not the kitties. I think that is why there is conflicting advice occurring here. I think the solution ultimately rests with the 2 cats.
I can second @Amber’s input. As much as my family is not comfortable with this fact because they adore my cats, my cats are mine because THEY have made me their person. It isn’t a projection. The couple of times when I went away on holiday (6 week periods, so enough time to ‘adjust’), as much as they were happy with their other family members they were fundementally very unhappy. It was noticeable and when things are boiled down, my family knows they will be coming with me wherever I go. My cats love all their family (which is probably why the feeling is reciprocated!), and don’t like any of their people going but there IS a tangible difference when that person is me. Just is the way it is.
So, the questions now are: Are they happy with your Mum but making do with the situation until you come back? Or have they genuinely bonded with your Mum to the point where she is their person and would be unhappy to leave her?
This is what should be the deciding factor. It’s win-win all around then. The two of you need to stop thinking about yourselves and think about what is best for them.
The person that ends up not with these particular cats should DEFINITELY go out and adopt a pair of cats from a shelter. Pairs are often harder to place so there are 2 buddies/siblings that can’t be separated just waiting for either one of you. And, IF the ultimate decision is the current cats are truly bonded to you (as I said, hard to tell in your letter because it was all about you and your mum’s feelings), I would make a gift of the 2 new kitties for your Mum. Because it sounds like she needs to miracle love these 4 legged wonders provide if we humans let them.
Grrr..that last line should read “THE miracle love” not “TO miracle love”. Bugger, sorry about that.
Speaking up for a minute on the “dogs would care, cats wouldn’t” issue. Cats can and do care every bit as much as dogs can and do: some cats stop eating when they’re separated from their owners, which is much more dangerous than when dogs do; remember fatty liver disease from the other day? Cats can adjust to new owners – but they can also starve themselves from grief at the separation. And as far as new owners/old owners go? My great-aunt went into a seniors’ home in Florida, near her son; her sister, my grandmother, took care of her cat, loved it and spoiled it for a couple of YEARS. When my great-aunt came back to New Jersey, as soon as she walked into the living room, the cat ran over to her, and proceeded to forget all about my grandmother’s existence (to her exceeding annoyance). I’ve SEEN one of my rescue cats come running up when he heard our car pulling in – only to pull up short if ONLY my husband got out. The cat then strolled sedately over for a pat. However, if I got out – it was warp speed, straight over, followed by climbing straight up me if I didn’t pick him up fast enough.
I didn’t suggest lightly that Gallop _consider_ leaving her kitties with her Mom; it was very situation-specific, and, frankly, through my own smudgy lens of my relationship with my mother, if she were in the same circumstances. The truth is, even if Gallop’s kitties are being spoiled by her Mom and appear content where they are, they might very well still _prefer_ to be with Gallop – cats are as individual as any other creatures, and to suggest that they wouldn’t care where they lived as long as they have food and shelter _only_ because they have tiny brains simply baffles me – I’ve had cats who’ve demonstrated more genuine love for me than some of the humans in my life. Brain size didn’t seem to have much relevance there.
This is one of those situations where, if the LW chose to do exactly the opposite of what I suggested, I’d still be perfectly comfortable backing her up 100% in her choice.
I’m so torn about the whole Gallop letter, and I’m sure it’s because I’m projecting my feelings about my own cats into the situation. I just can’t imagine having someone who’s looking after them say “You know, I think I’d like to keep them” and have my response be, “Oh, okay, they seem happy here.” But then again, our family cat was with us from when I was nine until I was at least nineteen, and just the first year away at college did a lot to fade the attachment. I guess this all comes down to the feelings towards the CATS, and not the feelings towards ownership of the cats. If Gallop is going to resent her mother for usurping her possessions, that’s one thing. If it’s going to break her heart to not have her cats nearby and have the companionship with individual animals she’s already bonded with, then I agree that mom needs two new kittens, because the hurt and resentment will be a LOT harder to handle.
Please keep in mind that my sister and I turned down a few likely apartments in college because a non-pet place would have meant boarding our cat with my future mother-in-law, who out of sheer love for animals would have made the cat obese. Obviously my priorites lean towards my pets.
I guess I just don’t see how giving in to Gallop Sr. is somehow subverting ongoing drama as well as current drama. It seems more likely that passive-aggressive guilt trips, having found success, would continue to be applied. Sure, at a distance, but that’s just a bigger pot to bang on for some people.
Just a quick comment on the Gallop situation–I’m reading Sars’ position as “giving up the cats = happiness with mom” or even “giving up the cats = less stress with mom.” I don’t know if that assumption necessarily bears out. If Gallop takes the cats back, yes, there will more than likely be some short-term unpleasentness with mom. But given what (little) we know about their relationship, it’s entirely possible that if it’s not the cat issue, it will be something else eventually. I’m looking at this from a slightly different angle: will this benefit your relationship with your mom IN THE LONG RUN? And frankly, given the level of passive-agressiveness we’re reading in this letter, I’m not seeing much changing about their relationship either way. If nothing else, getting the cats means that mom’s passive-agressive strategy is completely validated.
I’m not saying that Gallop should take back the cats for sure–I’m leaning that way, but obviously, there’s way too much in the grey area that I (and we) don’t know about. I just think the balancing test needs to include what Gallop would hope to get out of giving up her cats, and if that’s realistic, given their relationship.
HR, totally what Elisa says. And as Jayne so perfectly stated, I to “am a firm believer in putting on your own oxygen mask first.” As much as it broke my heart, I was also very relieved when my own HR dumped me years ago. I could have written that last email. To understand “why he abandoned his best friend when she was suicidal and self-destructive! “- it was probably self-preservation. Your determination to destroy yourself hurt other people too, HR. In my experience, you can only hold someone up for so long before the strength in your arms gives out & you drop them. It happens faster if the person refuses to even TRY to get thier feet under them & you’re holding thier dead weight. It’s EXHAUSTING! Like you, HR, she’s happier now, but I would not want her to contact me, even so. My life is better without her. Let it lie, HR. It’s over.
Gallop, if you walk in to your Mom’s & those cats are all over you crying “wemissedyoumissedyoumissedyou” in ecstacy, then cat-nap ’em to Nevada. But if you walk in & they treat you like a guest in thier new home, let ’em stay there. That’d be what I’d do. (But either way, I’m jealous of whomever ends up with new kittens! FUN!)
Counsellor, you’re probably not as central to the trainwreck as you think. Just answer less & less, stop conversations you’ve heard a thousand times with “We’ve gone over this, S. Let’s talk about something else.” and see what happens. I’ll bet when S can’t monopolize you, she will find another audience for her one-woman show.
(My friend keeps the book of quotes, but I send her contributions – I’m smurfy by proxy.)
Regarding Gallop and her cat situation, I agree with both Sars & Linda, as well as Amber, La BellaDonna, and especially H10C8 (some chemical combination that is over my head).
I adopted 2 cats 20 years ago. One died 10 years ago and the other is still vibrant. She is my cat and always has been. She would not be happy with anyone else. The other cat was much more promiscuous and was happy with whatever friend stayed with her when I was away. It would have been easier to let her stay with someone else who loved her because I knew she’d be happy. The 20 year old, not so much.
One thing that would be a huge issue for me is the logistics involved in moving cats. I moved mine from Missouri to Minnesota, a 9 hour drive. It was easily the most traumatic travel experience of my life because they were miserable. Ultimately, they were less miserable moving than if I had left without them.
If you seperate the logistical difficulty (& the accompanying stress) involved from the relationship issues with your mom, what would make the cats happier? If you think they will never be happy in her home, I think you get your cats and help your mom pick out a pair of adult cats that she can love. Otherwise, leave them with her and be happy they are happy.
Gallop,
I’d like to submit that there is a short-term middle ground solution: go to visit your mom for a few days and check out how your mom is, and how the cats respond to her (and you, now that you have been away). You can assess the cats’ relative level of happiness, and how much they miss you, by how they seem in your mom’s house. You can then decide whether to bring the cats away with you, or leave them with your mom. Maybe if the cats seem truly happy with your mom, and respond somewhat neutrally to you, then it will seem easier to you to leave them with your mom.
[By the way, I am leaning toward taking the cats back, and encouraging your mom to get her own cats. While there is definitely the unfairness factor of letting your mom keep the cats, on the other hand, you and she had an agreement (that this was temporary) and she is reneging. Go get your cats, and go with her to the shelter to check out other cats.
And bringing in the friend (Sue?) to manipulate you is just ridiculous. Since the friend agreed to this manipulation (by sending the email), asking the friend for advice is not going to yield any objective information.]
Also: I am very sorry to disagree with Sars, because I think this might be the first time ever. But! It might be a good thing to stand up to mom in this instance, b/c this is a *big thing* and you wouldn’t want mom to learn that she can manipulate your behavior in such a big thing. Because that might bode much ill for future situations.
also: I did love Linda’s happiness equation. :)
I happen to agree with the advice provided to Gallup – I think that logically it makes the most sense from all angles. However, I find myself nodding saying “yes, yes, that’s exactly what I would do too” for an additional reason, which is that I like feeling like I did a good thing. If it were me, I’d hand over the cats formally (b/c really, she already did hand them over a while ago) and walk away, arm twisted awkwardly to pat myself on the back for making mom happy (even if mom will never admit she’s happy, or find it within herself to thank me). Maybe it’s the Phoebe from Friends Theory – a good deed is inherently a selfish deed b/c it makes YOU feel good for doing it. Well, that’s enough reason for me, and that’s exactly what drives pretty much all of my good deeds in life. So sue me.
“I’m starting to feel like Gallop Sr.’s lawyer here, but: you have no evidence that Mom doesn’t “get” what’s good for the cats. And if she’s as selfish as you intimate, why would you recommend that she get other pets? If Gallop had any reason to believe that the cats were unhappy or neglected, she would have said so. This is the kind of information people include in letters of this type, believe me. ”
They don’t have to be unhappy for Gallop to still be their person. I’m just saying, plenty of people don’t have this relationship with their animals, and it doesn’t mean that they’re bad people, or not qualified to have other pets. It just means that they don’t have to have particular pets. And, no, I’m not reading neglect either, but nothing in the letter indicated that Gallop Sr. was thinking about anybody’s needs but her own-not even the cats. In fact, that was the main point of the letter, no? But we know that Gallop has a long-term relationship with the cats and cares about their needs, minimum. So I’m extrapolating here, admittedly, that she’s more likely to have this relationship with her cats (of 4 years) than her mother is after a few months. At minimum, they should have the discussion about what is best for the CATS.
“Deal” is a totally inappropriate response to anyone going through issues with Alzheimer’s. That’s not a “tough time”, that is an awful, irretrievable, horrific time.”
I might’ve missed it in the letter when I first read it, but I don’t think I read anywhere that Gallop Sr. is either living with her mother or is the sole caretaker (in fact, Gallop pretty much indicates she isn’t). I don’t want to diminish the fact that the situation is still horrific because it is, and maybe “deal” wasn’t the proper way to get across my point, but I think my point is still valid: people all over go through tough times and you don’t get to do whatever you want when you do. If you’re lucky, people will grant you some leeway, but there shouldn’t be a forgone assumption that Gallop should automatically accede to demands to give up her cats. Again, they need to have a discussion about the CATS.
My mom died of Alzheimer’s. My dad took incredible loving care of her for years at home, and then visiting her for hours every day when she moved into long-term care. I did what I could to support him, but really what could I do? And if giving him my cats would have eased his way, he could have had them, with my blessing. Being a caregiver for a person with Alzheimer’s is physically and mentally and emotionally exhausting. And it’s heartbreaking to see your life partner become physically frail and lose all idea of who you are and what you’ve been to each other.
Let mom have the cats. She does really need them. Do whatever you can to support her. And from as far away as you’ll be, this is what you can do. You will not regret the act of kindness.
I think it was Sars, in fact, who said that “some people just like being talked down from the ledge”.
@Gallop: If the discussion is all about the cats, then probably what they would prefer is to stay where they are right now, wherever that is. Cats would refuse to teleport to Cat Heaven if it meant that they’d have to move out of Their Spot.
They don’t have to be unhappy for Gallop to still be their person.
No, I agree. I do think what’s getting lost in some of these comments is that nobody expects the decision to give up the cats — if indeed that’s the direction Gallop goes with it — not to be difficult. I hope I didn’t imply a “just leave ’em there, who cares” attitude. While it might suck, it still could be a net gain for everyone involved (Mom is happy with her new pets; said pets can skip a car trip; two Vegas cats get a new home), but I doubt Gallop would be cavalier about it, and neither would I. That a choice is tough doesn’t mean it isn’t the right one.
And every cat is different, and so forth. I doubt I could rehome the Hobe successfully; he’s particular. Joe is a lap whore who, while I adore him, would forget about me in a week. Gallop has to use her judgment.
“If nothing else, getting the cats means that mom’s passive-agressive strategy is completely validated. ”
Yeah. Mom wins and wins big time, doing jerky behavior. That’s hard to swallow when you don’t feel like a Gracious Giver so much as you got browbeat into giving them up, and doing exactly what Mom wants, and Mom knows she made you give in. Not that a mom will stop doing that shit over and over and over again whether or not she wins or loses, if she’s that type of person.
I have a similar mom/situation to Gallop in some ways, and really, you just never win or get over being pissed off every effing time mom manipulates you into something (plus the dying relative guilt on top of it). And moms like this aren’t always gonna be happier and let you be even if you give them what they want. Gallop is gonna be mad either way. Mom wins this battle today and picks another tomorrow, or loses this battle and picks another tomorrow. And the cats? Who knows?
Shit, maybe Gallop should just let the cats decide.
Linda for the win.
I’m a little perplexed by the commenters who say “But cats are like FAMILY!” and use this to justify removing a source of support from a woman under a tremendous amount of stress.
Yes, cats are like family. However, a mother is also quite a bit like family, and it doesn’t sound like Gallop’s mother has much in the way of *other* family.
I’ve been a caregiver for a dying parent and also for family members with Alzheimer’s, and I’ve got to tell you, that is shitty on a level that is so far above the Losing Your Cats level that seeing Cat Loss from Parent Loss is like viewing Texas from outer space.
Gallop, your mom is probably stretched pretty thin. If she were just being dramatic about it and didn’t have the other stuff going on, I’d say just go back and take the cats, no further drama needed, but…come on. Her mother is DYING. Consider the cats to be a gift of love and support, take the karma points and hope that the cats sustain her when she is alone.
Unless there’s some serious backstory involved (your mother is a bad person, you actually *do* love the cats more than your mother, you wouldn’t mind severing the relationship, etc), put your mother above the cats.
That being said, yes, she’s kind of being a jerk about the whole Keeping Your Cats thing, but is this a hill you want to die on?
@Gallop I reread your letter after reading the many comments. Here are some additional thoughts. Since it was a couple months instead of couple days or even a couple weeks, your mom may well have decided you were sort of “meh” on the cats combined with falling in love with them. Clearly you are not, but a couple months of settling in can seem like a long time when you’re not there seeing what’s going on (house gutting). I mean, let’s be frank. That seems like a lot of pet sitting unless there’re particular circumstances. Now you may very well have set that timeframe out in advance, I don’t know.
On the other hand, your mother may be in an odd state of mind (as others have said, caregiving is quite a task…I took care of my dad after major surgery for only 10 days and was ready to go bananas–there were other circumstances involved–but I can’t imagine months and months). If you come to the conclusion that she can have the cats, I would do as Sars advises. Make it like you are offering, not giving up. Then go over their vet care again (or for the first time), etc. Get a copy of the records from the vet. Make sure its “real.” You’re handing over the keys, as it were. You might be suprised. Once she really has them…the shine of the prize might wear off and the cats might not be so perfect. They might really just be cats, not a passive aggresive tool.
Or they might be what she really needs to keep her caregiving sanity. No idea.
@Gallop,
I agree with Amber. Make sure the cats have been waiting for you and want to be wherever you are before you uproot them for a second time.
Of my two cats, one would probably be permanently crushed if I left him with someone else. He’s even pretty fond of the husband, and when he doesn’t come home when he’s supposed to because he’s working late, there will be endless “Why is daddy not here yet?” meowing by the door. My other kitty, despite being the most loving and trusting kitty ever (you could do just about anything to her and she wouldn’t blink) honestly wouldn’t care who was taking care of her so long as her “brother” was with her.
Now, if I were to leave my sensitive kitty with my mom and he ended up loving her more than he loved me (so far I’m undisputedly his person), then I’d probably be really sad about it, but I would want to leave him with my mother, especially if I knew that she would take as good a care of him as I would.
Go visit mom. Sounds like she’s having a tough time and could use something to cheer her up. You’ll know when you see your cats again if they missed you and want to go home. Your mom might realize it too.
If they do act as if they are so glad to see you, the only way to deal with the passive aggressiveness is to address the issue with her in person. Tell her how much you missed your cats and how much you have been looking forward to being with them again. Tell her you understand she’s become attached to them a bit, but if she became attached to them in a few weeks, she should understand that you’ve raised them for years. And they clearly are happy to see you, which means that they missed you to.
Offer to work with her in adopting a new kitty, not to replace your cats in her heart, but because you realize she could use a friend, and you are sure that somewhere in a shelter there’s also a kitty who could use a friend too, and who would be much more grateful for her love and care than even your cats could be.
But first, take a honest look at them, and figure out whether they did miss you.
Go get your cats (that you truly love & miss, because they aren’t just possessions in a tug-of-war, right?) and help your mom adopt new ones. Giving them to your mom will only work if you are truly happy to do it. If you aren’t, there will be so much resentment. In my view, helping your mom find cats of her own is the best way to help the relationship between the two of you long term.. and as her only surviving relative, that’s what you want, right?
Have to add my 2 cents on the Gallop issue. One thing I like about Sars’ advice is that she’s really good at sticking with what’s in the actual letter. Gallop doesn’t say the cats welfare as an issue. She does say that her mom has a martyr complex & is passive-aggressive, is in a situation re: grandma that would exacerbate those issues, and that her mom has refused to engage in an adult conversation about the cats. Her mom is not going to see reason or behave rationally, period.
Passive-aggressive + martyr complex usually = attention seeker. A pitched battle over this is what her mom seems likely to want. Gallop is already participating in her mom’s neuroses, because her mom picked an issue that she knows Gallop won’t want to walk away from. This is probably all or mostly unconscious on the mom’s part. She can’t acknowledge what she’s doing, and will insist this is about the cats.
For Gallop’s sake, as hard as it will be, I think the best thing is to let go of her cats. I think people have had good advice about taking charge of the issue, telling her mom of her decision & making an “official” handover, and framing it as a good deed that will help her mom in a stressful time. And I would wait a bit on adopting new cats. It’s possible that once the cats can’t be used as a way to hold on to Gallop emotionally, her mom may lose interest.
I would add that Gallop might want to try to steer her mom to counseling or a support group for people who have loved ones with Alzheimer’s/dementia/terminal illnesses. Couldn’t hurt.
Gallop – I would like to register my vote for the “they’re your cats, take them back!” contingent. IMO, giving in to your mom’s passive-aggressive asshattery won’t be the end of it. Your mom isn’t doing this because she ‘loves’ the cats, she’s doing this to punish you for moving away. “If I have her cats she’ll have to come see me!” It starts with the cats, and will just never stop.
My mom used to pull the P.A. stuff when we were on trips. She’d hem, and haw, and when asked for input about where she wanted to go for dinner, “oh, I don’t know,” but as soon as a decision was made to go to Restaurant A, bam! “But, I wanted to go to B.” The way we ‘cured’ her was to stop giving into her. She learned that, if she wanted to have input about where everyone was having dinner, she’d better speak up before the group made a decision.
In my experience, giving in to P.A. behavior doesn’t make it better, it makes it worse.
I also have to say I’m having a hard time reconciling the “oh, just let your mom have the cats and give them away without a fight” for this letter (both in the advice and responses) with the blistering response to “I may be evil’s” letter of a few weeks ago. Back then, when Evil wrote to say that she discovered that she just wasn’t into cats, and so decided to rehome them, the number of “how dare you get rid of your cats!?” responses (frankly) surprised me. And now, when Gallop is saying “they’re MY cats, and I want them back!” many responses are exactly the opposite.
I’m honestly confused. (I’m not trying to be contrary, it’s just that I instantly flashed back to Evil’s letter after reading Gallop’s, and feel a disconnect.)
A reminder: I do have commenting guidelines on TN, and you can find them in the FAQ. I’ve deleted a handful of recent comments for tone; this is an emotional topic, we don’t all agree, and that’s fine. The rising level of snot over the last few hours is not cool, however, so be mindful there. If your comment got punted, rephrase and/or move on.
Back to the topics in progress. Thanks.
Throwing my hat into the “Sars is wrong on the cat issue” ring. Maybe Gallop just wants to finally win one against a passive aggressive mom, but I think, of all battles, this would be the battle to pick. Letting Mom win and losing the cats is a lose-lose situation for Gallop. There are other things she can do to help Mom’s situation.
@Margaret: I’ve been backing off this past week & S still doesn’t seem to be getting it. She’s stopped the constant texting but she calls me at all hours of the night (such as about 10 minutes ago, at 2:30 am).
The other night when I may or may not have pissed her off I shut her down a few times & changed the subject but she keeps changing it back. Next time I’m going to just say straight up, “New topic.” Sometimes, I just gotta be crunk.
Second dirty lens confession (adding to “choice I would make if it were my Mom, who is NOT Gallop’s Mom): it’s possible that a leading factor in my being able to say, AT ALL, to Gallop that she might _consider_ leaving kitties with Mom: I have spent decades of my life placing adult cats and kittens from my house into new homes. These were cats who came to me in different way, and it was frequently _really_ wrenching to give them up, but I couldn’t keep them _all_; I kept a heck of a lot of them, as it was. So I have had years of training, so to speak, in the re-homing wrench. What made it possible for me was thinking of it in terms of what was best for the cats, as opposed to _just_ what was best for me. That’s not necessarily a factor here – and I can say that I still question my decision to re-home some, and there were, and are, cats whom I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and didn’t re-home because of their attachment to me, and mine to them. Farm out for a couple of months because I had to? That I could do. Give them up? Wouldn’t, couldn’t, didn’t happen.
So much of this depends on Gallop, her Mom, and the cats themselves here.
Kittens are a handful. So, that’s kind of the main reason I agree with Sars on Gallop’s questions.
Mom is already taking care of / dealing with a dying mother. Two adult cats are a lot easier to take care of daily (as long as they’re healthy, etc) than two little kittens.
Getting two kittens after the new house in Las Vegas is finished and letting mom keep the two adult cats just seems like the better thing to do, IMO.
Full applause for afurrica’s comment. You can choose this moment to be kind, and this is the moment to choose for this.
The cats are fine. Even if they have some modest preference for their original owner, that’s not what drives the situation here; as long as they’re content and healthy, it’s the human situation that’s important. Poo gallop was okay without the cats for several months, knowing that they were with her mother (and I think that this was actually a rather large favor to ask of somebody in that situation, and I’m not seeing that acknowledged); she’ll be okay if the situation continues.
Of course it’s a wrench, and of course there’s history that complicates it. To my eyes, that doesn’t change the best thing to do here. Be generous to a woman who’s in a really horrible situation without much help, even if it means that you’re only one being generous.
@ Jane “Poo gallop was okay without the cats for several months, knowing that they were with her mother (and I think that this was actually a rather large favor to ask of somebody in that situation, and I’m not seeing that acknowledged); she’ll be okay if the situation continues.”
That’s true if Gallop had indicated that she left the Cats there to “figure out” what was happening in her life and then try to work them back in, but it seems to me that she never had any intention of giving the Cats up in the first place. It seems to me from the letter that the only reason she didn’t bring the cats with her initially was because they wanted to get the house squared away before introducing the cats to a new place. The many times that I moved, the cats were the last things to move into the new place. I agree that a couple of months is a longer time then normal for pet sitting, but it doesn’t seem that long in terms of moving across country and setting up a new house.
Totally agree with Affurica’s comment and with Sars’s response to Gallop.
Weirdly, I’ve got a lot of the same ingredients in my life at the moment in different places – my grandma is also 95, but she’s in stellar health and my mother is dying, and my mum’s two cats may come to me or me and my brother in a few months. And Affurica’s comment hits it bang on the head: cats might be family, but mothers and daughters are more family. So from someone who’s losing her own mother and watching her grandma lose her daughter, I’m just kind of baffled by the idea of looking at somne who is losing their mother and whose daughter has moved away and think that the most important thing is getting her cats back. You know, we’ll look after the cats. We love the cats. But they are *so* far down the priority list right now…
If you think your mom is really not that interested in the cats and purely being a passive-aggressive control freak and it’s all about proving something, by all means get the cats back. And probably cut off contact with her too. But if you have any sympathy for her and you think the cats really do mean something to her – get a little perspective? Yeah, she’s got a totally infuriating, passive-aggressive way of going about it, so be annoyed about it, roll your eyes and rant to your friends, call the new kittens Passive and Aggression to commorate why you got them, but do the nice thing.
[i]She’s stopped the constant texting but she calls me at all hours of the night (such as about 10 minutes ago, at 2:30 am). [/i]
@Counselor, I can’t help wondering what you said to her when she called at 2:30am? Because if it wasn’t, “It is totally inappropriate to call me at this time. Don’t do it again”, it really should have been. (While you’re at it, turn your phone off after 10pm; this is what I had to do with my friend who had a nasty habit of drunk-calling around 2 when she’d had a few.) I really don’t think this girl gets hints; I know you don’t want to feel like you’ve got nobody to talk to right now, but I genuinely don’t see an upside in continuing to give this girl even a smidgen of your time. I think it’s time to pull a Letter #1 and tell her you’ve had it.
@HR: Honestly, I was also expecting your letter below the cut to continue, “…and I’ve been considering contacting him to apologise for how I acted back then”, not what it turned out to be. It sounds like he tried and tried and tried, and then got to the point where, for his own protection, he just could not take it any more. I’ve been there with a very troubled ex, and it didn’t take me long to learn that, at a certain point, when someone’s drowning, your choice is either cut them free, or drown with them. I cut them free, and I’d do it again.
Oh, and for HR: I saw your response, and I’m glad that this is helping you get some perspective. I do note you say, “But emotionally, all I can wonder is why he abandoned his best friend when she was suicidal and self-destructive!” To be blunt, somebody whose contact with me is to cry on the phone for hours every day for six months about a situation she’s not changing? That’s not a friend, that’s an unpaid job. Obviously in the full throes of depression it’s not going to look like that to you–you’re just grabbing at what you can–but “suicidal and self-destructive” is our own job, and other people aren’t betraying us for not taking it on. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the friendship ended not when contact was cut off, but when the relationship turned into a support arrangement for one person that didn’t give back to the other.
From your time frame, it also sounds like you didn’t get help until *after* contact between you two stopped. I wonder if the stopping ended up, whether it seemed that way or not at the time, being a factor in getting you unstuck where his offering you the same support over and over again just kept you in the same place. Just a thought. And good on you for getting out of that bad place in the end, however it happened.
Excellent point, Jane.
I had a friend in a very unhealthy relationship (I wouldn’t go so far as to call it emotionally abusive, but it teetered on the edge). She called me multiple times a day, day or night, any hour, to “vent” about the relationship, how badly he treated her, etc. It was, as Counselor said, draining the life out of me. I finally told her, on someone’s advice, that I could not talk to her about that relationship anymore. Period. Full stop.
Two weeks later, she moved out. Coincidence? I really don’t think so.
“I also have to say I’m having a hard time reconciling the “oh, just let your mom have the cats and give them away without a fight” for this letter (both in the advice and responses) with the blistering response to “I may be evil’s” letter of a few weeks ago.”
I am 100% on board with Kristen B’s confusion in this regard. Just wanted to voice that! :)
You know, I’m rethinking my answer and going with Kristen B:
“IMO, giving in to your mom’s passive-aggressive asshattery won’t be the end of it. Your mom isn’t doing this because she ‘loves’ the cats, she’s doing this to punish you for moving away. “If I have her cats she’ll have to come see me!” It starts with the cats, and will just never stop.”
You’re absolutely right. It’s about punishment and control, not loneliness and love for kitties. Gallop should let herself be punished?
“My mom used to pull the P.A. stuff when we were on trips. She’d hem, and haw, and when asked for input about where she wanted to go for dinner, “oh, I don’t know,” but as soon as a decision was made to go to Restaurant A, bam! “But, I wanted to go to B.” The way we ‘cured’ her was to stop giving into her. She learned that, if she wanted to have input about where everyone was having dinner, she’d better speak up before the group made a decision.”
Hah, my dad pulled similar shit with restaurants, only his trick was to object to every single place suggested. My cure for it was to refuse to ever suggest a restaurant again and insist that he pick one every time. Not that that was fun if he picked the shitty diner he liked, but at least we didn’t have an hour of bitching any more.
Why do people act like this? Or more specifically, why do we get the idea that it’s more socially acceptable to manipulate people in a shitty way? Gah.
I’m on Sars’s side re: Gallop and her family situation, where the cats DO count as part of the family. Problem is, they’re also part of Mom’s family. I don’t doubt that there’s a long history of guilt trips and passive-aggressiveness between Gallop and Mom which is surely fueling the fire, but I don’t read the current situation as Mom turning on the Martyr Machine so much as that the cats are the only bright spot in Mom’s otherwise shitty life. This isn’t about blame, it’s about the fact that Mom doesn’t have the freedom to live her grown-up life. If Mom had agreed to house the cats after Grandma had died and Mom had gotten some time to grieve and recover, or if someone else were taking care of Grandma, or if Mom had other family in the area, then I would agree that Gallop should expect to reclaim her cats. But, you know, all those conditions do not apply; Mom is taking care of her own dying mother with Alzheimer’s and has no family in the area except for her daughter’s cats. She might be manipulating her daughter when she comments that the cats are her world, and she doesn’t know what she’d do without them, but I don’t think she’s exaggerating. She’s caring for her dying mother with Alzheimer’s. That part jumps out at me a lot more than any guilt trip she’s putting on Gallop.
Furthermore, if the cats are happy with Mom, then they don’t need to be cat-napped to Nevada.
Ultimately, unless Mom is neglecting or mistreating the cats, I think Gallop will find this is a battle that isn’t worth winning. I’m sure Las Vegas has plenty of kittens in need of good homes, and Gallop is in a better position than her mother to take in new ones.
My mother is 91 and has mild dementia. She doesn’t live with me – she is in a very good nursing home in the NY/NJ metro area. But nevertheless, when your only surviving parent is in that kind of a state and you are waiting for the day when she won’t recognize you anymore, and then the day when she will be gone, it takes over your life. It is totally overwhelming and colors everything around you. I can only imagine what it is like to have your mother living in your home in that state, even with round-the-clock nursing care. And don’t forget, the home nurses are also in your house 24/7.
When I lived on the east coast I had a cat that I loved dearly. My son brought her home as a kitten and then went off to college and grad school, so she was “mine” as much as any cat “belongs” to someone. But I was moving from a house in the woods to an apartment in a city in Washington and couldn’t find a home for her, so I shipped her to my son in North Carolina via air freight, where she lived out her life very happily.
I say, leave the cats with Mom for now and maybe forever. The whole dynamic will change when Mom’s mother is gone.
Another opinion from my partner, who loves cats more than people (his cat is his ‘fur wife’; I am ‘the other woman’). His mother also died at 90+ with dementia. He also says: leave the cats with Mom.
Faith and Kristen–I don’t remember the letters to Evil that well, but there’s certainly a possibility that the difference is just that different people answered. My problem with Evil was that she clearly had taken on cats without thinking the issue through, and that she still didn’t seem really to be treating the situation with an awareness of what I’d think her responsibility level should be. But with Poo Gallop, there’s no responsibility to the cats issue in play, because the cats’ welfare is being looked after. She’s likelier to be doing them more of a favor by leaving them where they are, if anything. So it becomes about the people.
Basically, I think people have a serious responsibility for the choices they make about companion animals, but that’s not because animals are just like people and should never, ever change families except in dire circumstances; it’s just because of the human-animal power imbalance. And while I understand that sometimes the situation makes leaving your pet temporarily with somebody a rational choice, and I’m not saying that PG did the wrong thing, I also think that people who leave their pets for months with somebody else, unless it’s official paid boarding, really are setting themselves up for this circumstance and should be prepared to face this possibility. If you leave the cat with your parents while you’re at college, for instance, she has to some extent become their cat more than yours, because they’re the ones who are taking the immediate responsibility for her. Not that that relieves the college-goer of the responsibility, just saying that taking the active hands-on responsibility that the animal’s owner isn’t earns you some privileges and, I think, a little more understanding than PG’s mom seems to be getting from her daughter.
@Jane “If you leave the cat with your parents while you’re at college, for instance, she has to some extent become their cat more than yours, because they’re the ones who are taking the immediate responsibility for her.”
I don’t think this argument applies though. If you are going to college you are not allowed to bring the animal with you. In Gallop’s case she always had the intention of bringing the cats with her. Now the person she left them with is reneging on the issue. We also don’t know if the responsibility was truly the Mothers. We don’t know if Gallop provided money for food and other essentials. We don’t know if Gallop was the one responsible for paying for a vet visit if there was one. If that’s the case, she is being fully responsible for the cats.
Marv, I’m not saying she was irresponsible. But unless she’s the one feeding them and cleaning their litterbox, then no, she’s not fully responsible for her cats; she asked her mother to assume that responsibility for her. It’s not about money.
I would just drop by and pick up the cats and pretend not to understand what the big deal is. “I’ve come to pick up my cats! Thanks for looking after them!”
I have a VERY adorable dog. Sometimes people babysit for him or take care of him (or even just hold him) and make jokes about “adopting” or “kidnapping” him. I laugh goodnaturedly but in all seriousness, there is no way anyone is walking off with my dog.
It could simply be that your mother (and her friend, your second mom) are hoping you’ll offer to leave the cats with her……but only if it’s not a big deal. That’s the purpose of all those hints. They’re just letting you know that if you don’t want your cats anymore, your mother will take them. All you have to do is say, “I want my cats” and this talk will stop. It might be that simple.
@Sue: “We also take our son with us when we move and don’t leave him with other family members to make the transition easier on us.”
I have, on at least three occasions, made arrangements for my son to be with other family members during a move or the most difficult phases of an extensive renovation project. It’s best for everyone – I don’t have to worry about him getting crushed under a stack of boxes, getting bored and needing my attention while I’m lugging a bookshelf into place, or picking up the nailgun to see what it does. He doesn’t have to feel ignored, pick up on any of my stress, or be negatively affected by the chaos and discord. The family members in question get the unusual pleasure of having his company for several consecutive days – long enough for more than just an afternoon trip to the zoo.
It makes the transition a tiny bit easier on me, but immensely easier on him. Gallop’s concern about her own convenience is mentioned only parenthetically; her concern is for the cats, and she has behaved accordingly.
Gallop was being a responsible pet-owner when she made her decision, and it’s a decision that some parents find to be the most responsible and healthiest (for the child/ren, and coincidentally for the parent, which – bring it back around – also benefits the child/ren), as well.
@ Mary: “cats might be family, but mothers and daughters are more family”
Some mothers and daughters, perhaps.
I have nothing to offer that hasn’t been covered before, but did want to second a few points others have made: Gallop needs to step as far back as she can and assess what is *really* driving her mom’s behavior.
Is it love for the cats?
Is it a need to control and/or punish Gallop for moving away (which will manifest in a different direction as soon as Gallop is controlled/punished here, BUT will continue to fester if Gallop stands up to it)?
Is it an unhealthy fixation on the cats during this stressful time in her life (which, as others have noted, will shortly be drawing to a close – will her emotional dependence on the cats then increase or decrease?)?
Is it perhaps even a subconscious way of punishing Gallop for being so “inconsiderate” as to ask her mom to house the cats for a few months?
If Gallop does decide to relinquish the cats, though, she MUST MUST MUST make it crystal clear that ownership has passed. I brought a cat and a dog with me when my first marriage blew up and I wound up back at my parents’ home. I’d had them for about a year, and then I lived there, with the pets, for about a year. When I moved away again, my parents wanted to keep both animals. I knew I’d be living in miserable conditions for at least six months, so I agreed.
The dog lived to be 14 years old, and when she had to have studies, surgery, and ultimately euthanasia for an unusual form of cancer, my father – the dog’s owner for the past 12 years – sent me the $6000 bill with a note that said, “We paid for her food and checkups for 12 years, this bill is yours and we’ll consider things even.” It’s been about 8 years since the cat died, and I still get comments now and then about, “Does something smell odd to you? Oh, it must be that place on the carpet where YOUR CAT peed.”
If Gallop Sr. is doing it for control/manipulation/martyrdom, it WILL NOT END with the physical possession of the cats – no matter who has them. So IF she’s doing it to punish you, to manipulate you, to prove what a saint she is – do what makes you and your cats happy; no matter what you choose, it will not make your mother happy.
@Sarahnova: I actually didn’t answer. I had left my phone on because I was expecting a phone call this morning as a wake-up call. I also couldn’t sleep so it wasn’t a big deal. I’ve pretty much stopped answering her calls altogether.
I’m just really worried about further isolating myself. I mean, it’s Friday night & I’m in my room watching old cycles of ANTM because I’m putting my foot down & not hanging out with S because she’s the only game in town right now. However, when she called me for the 2nd time this afternoon (I didn’t answer the 1st time) she turned the conversation over to J & I changed it after about 3 minutes.